Embarrassed by FWB

[DancingWithAStranger]

NC for this as don't want linking to my other threads.

I've had a FWB set up with a man over the last 2 years. Fairly infrequent/irregular at times but it suited us both.

Both very much on the same page, strictly for fun, we chat about everyday life etc but no emotional attachment. I do like him, I'm not in love with him.

Recently we've started to expand our repertoire, talking about fantasies etc. Decided to go with one of his fantasies recently.

It was quite in-depth, specific and needed a bit of preparation on my behalf. But I was interested and keen to go ahead.

So preparation done; on the day he decided he's not feeling it blah blah blah maybe another time .

I was so embarrassed, I was meeting him for no strings sex and he turned me down when I got there

I know it's over, my self esteem has taken a bit of a hit. But am I being unfair? I know he has the right to change his mind but I was actually there when he decided no .

I was petty turned heel and walked as fast as my legs could carry me and didn't respond to his following message that "he feels really bad..." oh god the shame of his pity .

Not sure what I want maybe just to get it off my chest really, can't talk IRL about this as my friends don't know I have/had this set up as I feel a bit judged.

Would love to block him and never cast eyes on him again, but we cross paths regularly and I need to style this out, somehow.

Sorry, OP. I can only imagine how you felt and I don't blame you for feeling awkward and embarrassed about it. He was keen an hour prior ... and then said 'no' essentially when you arrived ready to indulge him ... you haven't done anything wrong.

I don't want to make you feel worse but the control element of getting you to do what he wanted even when it pushed your boundaries, and turning you down once you 'delivered' might've been part of what turns him on.
In any case, it's your feelings that matter here and if I felt the same way as you do, there's no going back.

Well on the topic of ‘styling it out’, this guys owes you. He knows it. Give it a little while, then text him your fantasy. Something that requires a fair amount of energy and commitment from him.

It’s not a punishment (unless that’s your thing!?), it’s how FWB works. He messed with a good dynamic and needs to remember FWB comes with its own etiquette. He’s the one who has something to be embarrassed about, not you. Let him wallow in regret a wee while, then offer him a path to redemption.

That’s if, overall, the FWB thing was working for you before this blip. A good FWB is worth holding onto. An unbalanced one isn’t. And yes, I’d say this if the sexes were reversed.

Yes it has raised a lot of questions for me as analyse and over analyse all of it .

Maybe I didn't handle it in the most adult way, but I went into self preservation mode and I'm only just getting myself together.

Maybe he had a very good reason, maybe not.

I think I'm certain it's not something I would want to repeat and I will be honest with him about that, think I'll take a little while longer to respond to him and allow some of my emotions to settle first.

I suppose there is the risk FWB you never get to understand the person on a deeper level. Lesson learned about allowing my guard down to far

It could be an unrelated issue OP. I’d give him a chance to explain.

Make sure you’re 100% comfortable with his explanation though - as a PP said, he could be a game player.

I think he was worried about whatever he had fantasised. Some fantasies should stay in your head but he should have said that to you.

Men are not always up for sex, plenty turn it down, please don't generalise.

If he contacts you, ask him directly and get a proper answer. If you don't, please move on. He's not the only pebble on the beach though I recognise most of us don't fancy that many men and when we do, it's special. It'll happen though.

Of FFS! Disappointment I understand but your sense of entitlement and fragile ego is OTT.

He changed his mind for crying out loud, get over yourself.

He’s the one who has something to be embarrassed about, not you. Let him wallow in regret a wee while, then offer him a path to redemption.

Anyone who does this shit to a person because they didnt want to have sex (especially when you dont know the reason) is game playing at best. it's highly manipulative.

Someone expected me to jump at the chance of redemption, because I didnt want sex, could fuck off.

Thankfully, I cant see op doing that.

It's a shit situation for Op. It is. But given she has no idea why he felt that way, she is assuming it's to do with her.

If he contacts you, ask him directly and get a proper answer. If you don't, please move on.

This 100%

I think some posters are missing out of the humiliation aspect of OPs preparation for HIS fantasy

Oh, this post has uncomfortably reminded me of a similar incident from my past and can totally relate to how you feel right now. I, too, came to my FWB house, big fur coat, nothing but lingerie underneath. He took one look at me and said he was not up for it. I was absolutely mortified and embarrassed beyond embarrassment. He then went to the shops to get some milk and I was left in his kitchen all trussed up waiting for him to come back to make a cup of tea. Looking back it sounds hilarious but it was really upsetting for me. I thought I was the problem. Turned out he had had a really bad argument with his ex wife earlier in the morning and wasn't up for anything when I came over. He failed to tell me this until a few weeks later. I know how you feel though OP. Take stock and see if you still want to go forward with your FWB.

OP I get it. You went to a lot of effort to do something for him, not so much you, because you wanted to do something nice for him. Once faced with the reality he got scared off, maybe because the reality didn’t end up being how he’d pictured it in his head. You felt inadequate and ridiculed.

He may well have been suffering from some sort of performance anxiety, having built it up in his head. But walk tall - you did a lovely thing for him, he knows it and is no doubt feeling pretty shit about it himself.

He behaved unkindly. An hour before he was up for it, right?

I would not be surprised if he enjoyed humiliating you (getting you to prepare, turn up, and then be rejected face to face).

He was up for it just before you went over. I suspect the fantasy should have stayed a fantasy.
Hear him out. It sounds as if he was trying to explain. Then decide.

I think some fantasies just don’t work in real life and it’s 100% not a reflection on you personally so don’t let this affect your confidence. You did a really brave thing.

He behaved unkindly. An hour before he was up for it, right?

Or something happened in that hour.

Amazes me how people attach abusive motives to a man turning down sex. He doesnt want it, must be a twat.

Woman doesnt want it, it's her decision and choice and the man should accept it with no hint of annoyance.

Agentjohnson I'll assume you're a bot and that's why you lack any empathy, thankfully you're not my friend

Entitled? Not for him to do anything he didn't want to no. To feel upset and embarrassed being out of my depth and vulnerable yes.

I accept I haven't acted exceptionally well either.

I appreciate all the responses, I will hear the explanation mostly likely to put a lid on things.

Valuable life lesson

Op I’m very real but if you want to make being turned down for sex once, into some seismic event, then knock yourself out.

Hopefully when you’ve calmed down, you’ll appreciate just how much of an overreaction your reaction has been.

Fragile egos aren’t a good look.

You have taken this much too personally He has had sex with you plenty of times before, so finds you attractive I assume.
It is annoying, in that you clearly went to some effort in this case, but never wanting to cast eyes on him again seems dramatic.

Was he up for anything at all, or just not for going ahead with your fantasy? If it was nothing at all then he should have cancelled. Otherwise I think he was ok to just say he wasn't up for that particular thing. He probably didn't realise the effort you went to.

You've acted out of embarrassment. You opened up and made yourself vulnerable, and then he rejected you in a round about way.
Just give yourself time to calm down and go from there.

Don't know why OP is getting stick for being too fragile, she hasn't said what she did. It could well have been humiliating for anyone.

So bizarre that so many women cannot get their head around a man suddenly not wanting sex. Maybe he’d had a tough day and realised he was not in the mood, maybe he felt off colour, maybe he realised that reality and fantasy are not the same thing...

Not a woman on this thread (i am guessing) would question a woman changing her mind about sex with no guilt attached at any point.

FWB is a pretty cold thing but if that is what you have you can give it up at any point in a similarly guilt free way. You don’t want a man who is not perpetually aroused, find another FWB, no biggie, isn’t that the point?!

I mean realistically they’re FWB. If there’s no benefits what’s the point? He was absolutely within his rights to say no to sex, but it isn’t exactly like you’d want to sit down for a relaxed evening at that point.

Hope you’re ok OP

Absolutely, but I thought it was FRIENDS with benefits, slightly different to a fuck buddy. I totally see why OP could be annoyed and give up on it if it happened repeatedly but presumably, the benefits are normally good for it to last a couple of years.

The control element of getting you to do what he wanted even when it pushed your boundaries, and turning you down once you 'delivered' might've been part of what turns him on.

This 100 %

It was part of his sex game and he always intended to walk away when you appeared