"But we took you to Stately Homes" January 2020 onwards

[toomuchtooold]

It's January 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
August-October 2019
November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Marmaduke, I don’t know. I’m not even thirty years old, I can’t imagine being NC for thirty years, I just know that some of us have to deal with being without parents. I know that my whole life it’s been my responsibility to look after them not the other way round. I’ve been NC and I’m so, so scared they are going to come and get me, I was crying about it today actually. But it’s better being without them, and you are so strong, so you don’t need them. You are doing what’s best for you and they should have spent their whole lives with that as your first priority because that’s what parents should do.

I don’t know. How you feel is OK. Write some more about it if you want. Know that you’re not the only one. You are really strong and brave - everyone here is - but right now you need to know that you are. You don’t need anyone. You’re amazing on your own.

Wow.
I always wondered what this thread was about, and I’ve only read a few pieces.

I’m sorry some people have had terrible childhoods

However where someone complains about her fathers comments on the phone and someone else pipes up that the mother isn’t blameless and is a co abuser?!

I think you would be better finding professional help, not listening to anyone on here and their amateur analysis.

Remember there is not training for parents, all people have flaws, and you have no idea what the real agenda of these “helpful” and “understanding” posters is.

Be wary, and don’t get sucked into it

You may have real relationship problems, don’t let people on here make it worse

.

Ah thanks for taking the time to share your experiences and thoughts. It has helped me x
@GreenLeafedLemon I don't want to get into a disagreement with you but just wanted to defend any posters who do give the advice you were referring to. I have had several months of therapy and most of that has ended up being centred upon coming to terms with my mothers part in being her abusive husbands enmeshed accomplice and about the impact that her inaction had on my mental health. And I sound blamey towards her, and I really was not so much, until I did see a professional about the difficulties I had with my family and they pointed out to me at length that this behaviour was, at best, not good enough. I like to think that everyone on here is well intentioned and coming from a place of caring about others and wanting to help. I think if you read further back through the various threads you will see there's a lot of horribly predictable behaviour, ie the abusive parent can't get away with behaving a certain way unless they have an enabler. If the other adult stood up for the child then the abuser would be challenged. If the other adult turns a blind eye/joins in, then is that acceptable? Not in my book. Yes they may be scared of the abuser but they are a hell of a lot better equipped to deal with them than, say, a 7 year old child. So if they make that choice to let the child be terrorised rather than stick up for them, then it's hard to find sympathy whatever the circumstances. Just my personal experience/point of view. X

Hi All,

I hope it's OK to bob in here from time to time, as I have a few things on my mind at the moment.

Got a phone call of Thursday morning to say that mum had passed. When I was told, I realise that I really couldn't give a toss if she'd passed or not. I asked how everyone was and how they were holding up, but because of the lockdown ATM, I wouldn't be able to make the funeral (not that I wanted to go to the funeral of a woman who made my life hell), as the ferry was only taking freight, and not other passengers.

I PM my youngest brother about flowers and said that, as I can't make the funeral, the least I could do was to pay for something, but have had no reply as yet.

Looking back at my life, I realise that I was nothing more than a tolerated inconvenience to them (mum, and my siblings). The only 2 people I've spoken to about this is my GP cousin, and my dad's youngest brother. My uncle and I were the black sheep of the family. He keeps to himself, and I do the same.

With mum, it was a consistent round of being disrespectful. As an example, I was telling my mum that I wasn't going to have a party for my 30th. I told her numerous time, but she wen ahead and had a get-together for me, at her house. As a result of that, I went, but only because of the fact that if I didn't go, my mum and brothers would have been on the phone, giving me grief about the effort that mum went to, and that I was ungrateful etc, etc. Even though they knew I had said to her I wasn't interested in having a party. It turns out mum and my brothers colluded and brought people THEY knew well, but I barely knew.

There are far more examples of how they were, as I have now realised, setting me up to fall. Other examples include inviting me to meals out of familial duty, rather than because they actually want me there, and when I enquire about why I was invited, they just tell me to STFU and be grateful that they even decided to invite me.

I step back and realise that this is all for show. A front to the world to cover for their dysfunctional behaviour.

In 2004, I met my wonderful MIL, who was the mother figure I should have got....not the one I did get. I could say the same thing about my gran on dad's side. She was there for me when mum wasn't, while dad was working 3 jobs to keep us afloat, so I didn't seem him a lot. But I do understand that he wanted a reasonable life for us, which I know came at a cost, which was to sacrifice a fair bit of family time to do so.

Anyway, I realise now that, as I've said, I can't bring myself to care about mum's passing. I know I'm not grieving, as I left the door wide open for her to contact me and sort things out, but she never bothered. Thing is, she would rather have poked needles in her eyes, than admit she wasn't a great mother. She was very pride-ridden, childish, and egotistical, and would refuse to speak to me if I pointed out things she did that eroded my mental health.

Sorry about the long post. There is so much more to tell, but I don't know where to start. Anyway, thanks for listening folks. It's good to be able to sound off to those who have been through what I have and more. And I' want to extent my sympathies to everyone for what they have been through. It really isn't nice, but the flip side of this is that we can become stronger from our experiences.

Green
So kind of you to share your musings on this subject, this subject that we are all heavily involved in and have spent a lot of time discussing in great depth, so kind of you to generously share your expert opinions having only briefly read a couple of posts🙂

She would have rather poked needles in her eyes that she wasnt a great mother
This complete refusal to admit fault, or back down, it is very familiar to me I see it in both my parents, everything else must be sacrificed at the altar of keeping them looking good 🙄
Thank you for sharing your experience Scruff, I'm so glad that you were able to find nurturing maternal figure in your life 😊

Eugh - I have the opportunity to go NC, but I'm not sure I'm ready.

I've changed my name several times - so brief background - Mum and Dad divorced when I was 4 - both had affairs.

Mum continued to move men in, have they stay for 4 years then have an affair with someone else, break up their marriages, and we got a new step dad and step siblings within weeks.

Basically emotional neglect. We were cared for physically, but Mum wanted compliance rather than a relationship.

She favoured my brother, and is now trying to favour my eldest child over her siblings. We've fallen out over that - and because she keeps pushing back on my parenting decisions, when she disagrees with them.

We've not spoken for about 4 weeks now... and I've heard NOTHING.

It's creeping me out a little because normally by now she would have gone mental.

I've had one flying monkey message from step-dad, who is the enabler and is following the usual pattern of messaging me when he's fed up of hearing about it - and basically wants me to forget our argument and move on.

The silence is eerie. Although she keeps sending stuff for the kids - books and science kits etc - while we are in lockdown.

The books are very disproportionate for each child (favouring the eldest) - so I'm sending them back.

My DH thinks that I either need to tell her why I'm cutting contact, or to maintain some basic contact (skype once a week with the kids).

Telling her would cause absolute chaos, and despite the way she has been, I feel like it would be hurtful to lay out all the things she has done wrong as a parent since the day I was born.

At the moment I think I'm going to enjoy the silence and see what happens.

The only snag to that is that it is her birthday this week. DH thinks I should skype her with the kids and just be nice, and then let contact go again.

I'm not sure I'm ready to go totally NC but I'm also really enjoying the quiet.

I hadn't realised how critical and negative she was until we fell out. I feel much more at peace now.

We are in the process of emigrating (which is obviously on hold for the moment), which will reduce contact, but I also don't want her to come and visit, as I don't think I can stand it.

I know the right answer is NC, but I am just not sure I can do it right now.

Why is this so hard?

Do not respond because that is what she wants. The response to such disordered of thinking people is the reward. Sending the books back would be a response so dispose these by other mrthods

Sunnie,
My answer to why it's hard is because you are having to go against social norms and years of conditioning etc etc.
I think that what you have now is a standoff, whoever blinks first puts themself in a subordinate position, unless you have a strategy to get back into control of the situation and 'manage her' if you do decide to blink.
If it was me I think I would probably leave it, not contact her at all and then if you do get back in touch at some point you can put it down to the pressure of the whole Corona thing, i.e. fob her off with any old bullshit just like she probably always did to you.

I don’t know if you’re still here @GreenLeafedLemon but this thread isn’t for you if that’s what you feel. I think most of the responses to people in distress here are to seek help and protect yourself. I’m glad you’ve got no experience of what people here are talking about, I wouldn’t wish it in my worst enemy.

Very weird but mum and I appear to have agreed to go NC.

Got a random email which in short said that as my mum she should be able to say and do what do likes.

I told her that was not acceptable but I wished her well and I loved her.

Surreal and random.

What the heck do I do to heal?

Sunnie, sounds like she put her cards on the table and you put your cards on the table, if she wants to go by the rule of 'I can do exactly as I please' then she has to accept that other people can respond exactly as they please and tell her to f* off
I say give yourself time to let it all sink in, wait until your brain has crunched it all up and see what it comes back with 😊

How do you feel sunnie? I agree with give it time.

I dealt with my aftermath by reading about dysfunctional family relationships and thinking about what had happened when I was growing up, and trying to understand my reactions to things. I balanced this by doing more things for myself. I also avoided thinking guilty thoughts as much as possible, of course I feel bad about what’s happened, because what’s happened IS bad, but I couldn’t carry on having a relationship so this is what I live with.

Good therapy helps, no doubt. Find someone you can work with and focus on your own repair.

Finally I think I have accepted that it will always be painful for me, it’s too big a relationship to just move on and look at benignly. In context though it’s a better grief than the one I felt before - the relentless feeling of ongoing damage.

@ulterego and @Fanthorpe thank you for your responses.

I'm doing ok. I had a bit of a pity party yesterday (part mother and part lockdown related I think) so ate copious amounts of ice cream and drank wine and watched programmes that I used to watch as a teenager.

But it was refreshing that I KNEW it was just adjustment and that it wasn't a new way of life for me.

I'm actually really relieved. IT obviously feels surreal that the relationship is over with - and that will take some time, but I really feel some release at being able to step away from the constant negativity.

Speaking to my therapist on Friday so I can process some more. I also feel like I've taken that next step, so I'm ready to begin dealing with some of my negative behaviours (like binge eating and drinking).

I hadn't really understood why the binging happened before, but last night it was a bit of a epiphany.... ahhhh I do this because it was something only I had control of.

I'm going to work on those behaviours next... and wait for the inevitable flying monkeys.

I also feel relieved that she seems (for the moment) to have acknowledged that our relationship is just not working.

I'm not sure it'll last - but she really has put her cards on the table. It gave me a really straightforward way to put the brakes on and just say that that kind of relationship was not acceptable to me.

It's not painful just yet, although I'm sure that will come. It is a big hole in your life, and it's weird having to say it out loud. It's supposed to be such an important relationship that most people will never understand.

I'm so glad it's happened now though, before she could drive a wedge between me and my children; and my children and themselves.

Wow, a week ago I would never have imagined that we would be in this position. I feel quite proud of myself!

Glad you’ve got a therapy session lined up, a lot to process.

As well as the lows there might be some highs, I get a little surge of gratitude/relief when I remember I don’t have to phone them every Sunday.

And you’ve got a lot to be proud of! You’re doing well!

Sorry to be posting everyone, I am not doing well. I’ve got this fear that when lockdown ends I will have to go back to living with my parents and my mum will literally kill me. She’s previously been pretty violent just because I stayed later at work than I said I would, and now I haven’t spoken to her for seven months. I’m really worried about my grandparents, that they might even have died, but they’ve been urging me to get in touch with my parents and as a result I’ve been too scared to check my emails and let them build up and this sounds so pathetic as I’m typing it out. I am also suspectedly autistic and really scared of using the phone so I’m resistant to calling them. Even more pathetic.

I’m not coping well and using old coping methods and my boyfriend keeps talking about staying well so I don’t have to go back to my parents’ but at the same time I can’t sleep, and when I sleep I have nightmares and apparently I literally scream in my sleep which is embarrassing and I can’t see a way out. There’s nobody who can help me. I don’t know what to do and my life is literally falling apart.

Cecile
I don’t think it’s surprising that your brain is showing you terrible things. All the confusion, fear and uncertainty about the future are bound to be affecting you (and everyone else) at the moment.

I know I’m having weird flashbacks today about times I felt stupid or humiliated, yet outwardly I look as though I’m doing ok.

So I’d start by just going easy on yourself. Don’t worry about the emails today, we often make things much worse in our imaginings. You could change your settings so that things from your parents go to a junk file.

Why would you end up back with your parents? They’re clearly abusive to you and you sound afraid of them not surprisingly. Is it a general sense of dread?

When I’m having negative or guilty thoughts I go back to the Out of The Fog website and just clarify where I am and what’s best for me. It’s helpful.

The Fear, Obligation and Guilt has got you in its claws again by the sound of it, but it’s all dependent on a false sense of control which you broke free from.

@CeciledeVolanges hiya I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I think the current lockdown is leaving us with a lot of rumination time and I'm also chewing over a lot of old stuff mentally. As fanthorpe said, is there a real chance you would have to move back in with them? Remember, you have the power now, they like to keep you feeling subordinate to them, but you aren't. As my therapist likes to say, you have your own 'agency' now, and they don't get to dictate what happens to you like they did when you were a vulnerable child.
In terms of trying to help your state of mind today, do you like running? Good way of helping with anxiety I find. The trick is to try and find a bit of diversion and it gives your mind some respite from the unpleasant thoughts. Baking is good too; anything that requires you to concentrate on something else for a while gives your mind a rest x

Thank you so much for replying so quickly. I seem to keep ending up back with them because I’ve got severe mental health problems (eating disorder, PTSD, anxiety, possibly ADHD but not formally diagnosed, multiple suicide attempts and a lot of self-harm) and if I have a crisis, someone I know will alert my parents and they come and pick me up and I have to live with them again. NHS help is just not there, or subject to year-long waiting lists, even before lockdown, I just don’t even know what is there during the lockdown. My boyfriend keeps telling me to stay well or it will happen again. I haven’t spoken to my dad for quite a while but in the last phone call with my grandmother she told me I should go back living with him if I get depressed.
I was coping really well with long walks, runs and so on, but recently I fell and did something to my foot. I can walk on it but it is effectively self-harm rather than exercise because it’s so painful. Unfortunately most of my pre-lockdown hobbies are unavailable right now as they involve being in a group. Even having a shower and hobbling to the shop feels like a huge energy expenditure, and I’m doing my job as well, just about. Sorry to moan!

It’s not moaning, really! That’s what this thread is for, say everything, say anything.

It sounds like you’ve got a circular problem, your family situation is causing you anxiety, so you spiral down, then you’re back with your family and they take over your life?

It sounds like you have independence at the moment and a relationship so you’re ok right now (keep reinforcing that feeling, tell yourself out loud that you’re safe) focus on right now, not tomorrow, not next week.

Take it slow, try and regulate yourself, breathe. I’ve been physically shaking my head and saying ‘no’ when I get into negative thoughts.

I’m sorry you’ve hurt your foot, that’s annoying, hope it’s better soon.

@cecile

I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now.

I'm afraid your grandparents are flying monkeys and are not helping you right now.

You do not have to go back to living with your parents. No one can actually make you.

But you have to either be firm with your grandparents that you don't want to discuss your parents, or avoid them too for the time being.

Your health is your priority and nothing else, even with the corona virus going round.

Hey Cecile😊
Arghhh, bummer😣😣, how is your foot?
Oh the times I've fallen over running, last time I cracked a rib, before that I badly sprained my ankle and the things I've done to my knees 🤦🏼‍♀️
I get it I use exercise to cope too, is there anything that you can do while your foot heals that will give you the right kind of exercise 'fix'...I do understand, there are lots of times I have carried on training with injuries when it would have been better to rest🤦🏼‍♀️
can you do some body weight strength training?
I find myself wanting to limit my food intake when I'm stressed, the old anorexic impulse is still there
How are you today?

Hi all! I need some advice on whether I should go no contact with my mum or if I should go to see a therapist and they might be able to heal these wounds.

The situation has only dawned me since looking through a box of old photos my mum gave me back when I moved into my house. The backstory is that she lost my twin sister at 3 months old and had my younger sister 18 months later. She spent my childhood dressing my sister and I in the same outfits after she lost my twin, she’d take me to the grave every year on my birthday and even now on my birthday she will write a post about my sister and tag me in it. Every picture I looked at this evening looked haunted and it really made me realise how much it affected me and the person I have become.

When I was 9 my parents separated because my mother had been having an affair for 2 years. I wanted to go with my dad straight away but for 3 years she stopped me and she wouldn’t let me leave.

I have never had a good relationship with her since. I have cut her out so many times but always been made to talk to her again but definitely not because I missed her. Situations such as finding out my Fiancé and I were expecting our first child and he said you should really tell herself yourself and when I was 16 my dad told me I had to go out for dinner with her one night every other week.

Even now with the lockdown I don’t miss her at all. She keeps trying to video call me and i just give the phone to my daughter and walk away. She keeps trying to set up group video chats with my sisters and I.. the other day I sent her a message saying you are needy and that you constantly want our attention.

I feel like she is a dark cloud hanging over my past.. one that I cannot escape. I put so much pressure on myself and I don’t even know how I am because I feel like a ghost of a dead child, one that I never met. So I feel like I am living in a shadow of someone I don’t even know who to be. I am actually coming to the realisation this evening that that is why I compare myself to everybody, my sisters, my friends & why I hate myself.

The worst thing is i don’t think she knows what she was looking for in me either, I hated her for the affair for many many years and she tried to convince a GP that I had bipolar instead of accepting the fact that I didn’t like her.

I sorted through all the photos and I’ve not kept a single one of her.. there were all sorts from wedding photos of her and my dad (laughable) and photos of her holding my sister and I in the same outfits and it made me feel sick to my stomach.

I am sorry if I have drip fed or rambled, it’s just shaken me to my very core that the reason I don’t like my mum and I don’t want a relationship with her is because the only relationship I knew before the separation was an unhealthy one & the one after that showed me that she would try and control and keep me close whatever the case would be

Mammabee20. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are struggling with your relationship with your mother. I think that we often reach a point where it suddenly hits us, that we just don't want to go on with contact. I think I would accept your feelings, for now, at least. It actually sounds like a good sign to me. You are recognising and accepting that contact with her is distressing. It's time to put your needs first. See how you feel after a few weeks or so. If no contact is right for you, you will start to gradually feel the benefits.

I don't post very often, although I come here every day, so my advice probably isn't very coherent, but I found your post very relatable. My sister is only 15 months younger than me and my mother loved to dress us identically. We were of a similar size and were mistaken for twins. My sister was constantly praised for being so advanced. It certainly leads you to constantly judge yourself, negatively, of course! I actually went on to have twins myself, so have a bit of an idea of the difficulties that being a twin can bring. And mine had each other right there, so the issues were clearer than they were for you.

My mother never sought any help for me, but she has often said that she wondered if I was bi-polar. Just like you say, there had to be a reason, solely within me, for why I didn't like her. After all, she was perfect in every way. Actually, a lot of therapy and working on myself has led me to accept that I was absolutely terrified of her. She was physically and mentally abusive from the start of my life. She was only 20, was desperate for a baby, to make up for her own unhappy childhood and had had several miscarriages before I was born.

I have had so many stresses in my life, including twins with special needs, and a daughter just two years older than them. I was widowed about six months ago and yet I am in a better place than I have ever been, with regards to my parents. The phone rang yesterday. It was my parents number. I couldn't be bothered to answer it. Occasionally my enabling father phones, and we chat about inconsequential things. My mother is never mentioned. The no contact is absolute. I might answer his next call, depending on how I feel, but he never stood up to her so I don't feel I owe him much. Somehow, I have achieved understanding and some forgiveness, and it really is very peaceful in my mind, for the first time ever.

Only you know what is right for you. Trust your instincts, and I hope I haven't bored you with my story.