"But we took you to Stately Homes" January 2020 onwards

[toomuchtooold]

It's January 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
August-October 2019
November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

@CeciledeVolanges Money is a big controlling factor for sure.

Thanks for the replies. I've tried discussing with my dad but as usual he tries to throw money at the problem. Does anyone know of a more private forum or secret Facebook group for daughters of narcissists? It definitely helps knowing others have similar experiences.

Hi all, I hope you don’t mind me joining in. I dip in and out reading stories on here but I’m never sure where to start with mine.

I grew up in a bit of an emotional vacuum. My parents were very hands off in a lot of ways that really matter. They were a lot about appearances and not much about what was actually happening in front of them. My two older brothers bullied my sister and I a lot and my parents turned a blind eye. Eventually one of them started sexually abusing us.

My parents basically told me the abuse was nothing to do with them when they found out and my father particularly has refused to take on board the enormity of what has gone on. My parting conversation with my father was him telling me he was continuing on his relationship with my brother and he was never bringing up this topic with him again and how I’d just have to get used to that. Then lots of waffle about what was wrong with me because I couldn’t just forgive. I cut contact with my parents after that because dealing with them was too painful. My sister has gone along with everything my parents have done and said and has undermined me a lot to my face and with my parents which has put a huge strain on our relationship and resulted in very LC. My brother has raped and abused others throughout adulthood too and so far is wandering freely with impunity because witness testimony gathered so far is not sufficient for prosecution.

I have felt extremely damaged by my parents reaction to the abuse but it has been also really compounded by the rest of my extensive extended family of otherwise seemingly “upstanding” and bright people who all know what has happened but have continued on supporting my parents knowing that I have been pushed out by their behaviour.

The whole thing has been enormously hurtful.

The problem for me is that I have been extremely angry with all of my family for being so kind and helpful to my parents while my parents are being so awful to me. I have seen weddings I have not been invited to on Facebook etc. I try not to take it personally because I know it isn’t personal but it have all culminated and compounded into a huge rejection and betrayal that I have had to face up to.

Anyway to try to deal with the anger I have made peace with a small number of family members (4) by just telling them the truth about the hurt and poor behaviour I have experienced and accepting the relationships that are there after me telling the truth. It has really helped me. I’m not making vast amounts of close relationships out of it but I have gotten huge relief from the process and clearly the relationships were not there anyway as I had already experienced. It has been really therapeutic and I am still communicating with the people I have addressed albeit the relationships are very different from the past.

Because of the CV 19 and the age of my parents and the fact that they are actually the last people on my list of people I am still extremely angry with I decided to give a go to reaching out to them. I know it is extremely risky because I am extremely wounded by their continued rejection. I have reached out and I am not sure what if anything will come of it. I really wanted to be sure I had given them another chance to deal with this in case they are hit by the virus and I have to deal with never having ended the estrangement. It was playing on my mind and I felt I needed to do something.

Mainly though I want to battle my way through this last portion of anger I have for my parents in case I don’t get any satisfaction from our communication which knowing them and based on past experiences is the absolute most likely outcome. The text communication from me was not warm and inviting, as I said above they have been used more to give me a voice so that will impact the likelihood of getting a response from them. One way or another though I really want that transition from the last of my anger towards them just to free myself of the burden of the anger. Really the same freeing up of anger that I have experienced with the others, even if I don’t get the satisfactory communication I have had with others.

Any suggestions or thoughts welcome.

Hi Vibration, welcome, and I’m really sorry that you’ve had to go through all of that. Your parents are supposed to protect and care for you, so it’s natural to be angry about that and to have made a decision no longer to be in their lives. Your feelings about other people who are aware of the situation and still support your parents are also understandable.

You talk about having to deal with never having ended the estrangement if something happens to your parents during the outbreak, which suggests you are currently thinking of the estrangement as temporary, and maybe wanting to get something out of the estrangement such as a change in their behaviour, validation of your emotions and reactions, a different relationship with them eventually? You also said you wanted to give them a last chance to deal with it. May I ask what dealing with it (in a way satisfactory to you) would look like? It might also be helpful to prepare in advance for that not to happen and make a plan about how you might cope and take care of yourself if this doesn’t work out as you want.

Also maybe think about what exactly it was that enabled you to let go of your anger with the other four people you’ve spoken to. If it was a feeling of being listened to and heard, and acknowledgement, from those people, you might be heading for disappointment with your parents because some people just can’t hear what you’re saying. They will just take it as an insult no matter how hard you try. The important thing is that the anger is only hurting you, and in that way your parents are still indirectly hurting you and controlling your feelings, which they have no right to. Enough of your life has been ruined or at least made worse by these people and their selfishness and you deserve to be free of that in the future. I’m not being very articulate about this as I am in the very lucky position of not being angry with my abusive family so my advice probably isn’t the best!

I’m actually feeling quite guilty at the moment because I’m not having thoughts like that. I’ve not spoken to my parents or sister for six months, and I wouldn’t be upset not to hear from them again. On the contrary, I get upset and worried whenever they send me messages, which is often because they have no respect for my boundaries or wishes at all. Most of my other family members seem to have assumed that I’m just like my mother and am angry and using silence as a weapon, and will relent and everything will go back to normal. I’m glad I have my boyfriend and can live where I am for a little while, but I’m almost dreading the end of lockdown for that reason!

I hope everyone is well and taking care, thinking of all of you.

I will be relived if CV takes my parents and I wont offer any olive branches to ease their passing, I say dont prostrate yourself VibrationNation.
I think I recognise you from your account of what happened though I dont recall your previous username, I have experienced similar issues, parents who attacked me for complaining about CSA

I do hear you about the anger VibrationNation I'm not sure how to make it go though.
In my case they will never tolerate being held to account, I will never tolerate being dismissed and trivialized.
Aint nobody gonna backdown.

Thank you so much Cecile for what you have written

Also maybe think about what exactly it was that enabled you to let go of your anger with the other four people you’ve spoken to. If it was a feeling of being listened to and heard, and acknowledgement, from those people, you might be heading for disappointment with your parents because some people just can’t hear what you’re saying. They will just take it as an insult no matter how hard you try

This totally nailed it for me. I don’t think there is much chance of reconciling with my parents but it is for me being stuck in this unplaced anger that is so difficult. The cumulative rejections, that are just for an easy life for others and then the continued bonkersness of what others tell me my brother has gone on to do (extensive abuse and multiple rape) and everyone just sweeping and sweeping it under the carpet and getting frustrated that I, every once in a while, draw their attention back to these ugly situations and what they have done in facilitating all of what has happened. It just boggles my mind when anything creeps in.

It can be small like a comment from my friend saying my parents know underneath it all that you are there for them in this coronavirus incidence to being greater like waking up to find out all my extended family has been to an event that has “oddly” never once gotten a message on the extended family messenger group that I more recently left that I then come under scrutiny for leaving.

I say dont prostrate yourself VibrationNation.
I think I recognise you from your account of what happened though I dont recall your previous username, I have experienced similar issues, parents who attacked me for complaining about CSA

I am so sorry about that Ulter I truly wish I had your resolve. There must be something in me that wants to keep going back for more. I must miss the kickings.

No no no, no blaming yourself for this, please. Not one tiny little bit of it is your fault. I know how it can feel like reality is warped when everyone is colluding in it, but what your parents and family are saying is absolutely not true and you are the one in the right here. It’s not that you like being treated badly, it’s that you want a reasonable and safe family with the unconditional love and support that so many people take for granted. It’s an instinct and maybe you’re angry because you aren’t going to get it, and it’s not your fault and there’s nothing you can do about it. You have to grieve for a while and the anger is part of that. It’s human and natural not to want to give up hope that one day you’ll go back and somehow your parents will be acting like proper parents and everything will be OK. Don’t victim-blame yourself for that.

Vibration I don't think it's you that miss the kickings, more that you've been set-up and manipulated into an impossible position, so much of the abuse and the modus operandi of the predators is to do with making you unwittingly complicit in the harm that is done to you.

And yes, same in my family, my parents who seem like thinking people, decent people who do the right thing, and yet they sympathized with and covered up for a known paedophile, all viewed me as being in the wrong for speaking out, their motto seems to be 'least said soonest mended'
(My motto is 'rot in hell you bastards')
Is there any chance that your brother could be brought to justice?

Vibration I don't think it's you that miss the kickings, more that you've been set-up and manipulated into an impossible position, so much of the abuse and the modus operandi of the predators is to do with making you unwittingly complicit in the harm that is done to you

Ultero I feel that is absolutely the case it ends up feeling like a series of never ending battles that I am set up to lose that is so true.

I want that I have the strength to walk away from all of the people in my entire family and extended family but actually I don’t.

Most of these people are, like what you say Ultero, in every other guise of their being respectable, responsible and good people that I like, admire and value. They don’t even know they are hurting me because it is absolutely nothing personal from them.

If I cut them out I am cutting out people who I know are good people and so there is a loss from that (at this stage loss after loss after loss after loss after loss, that grief all adds up).

I become a bad and angry person when I do it and cut them out. I’ve tried. I feel so rejected and isolated and abandoned that I lose any sense of myself and become a complete and utter nightmare for me to live with inside my own head. Think Gollum and Sméagol. But they wouldn’t even notice to be honest, I’m totally invisible to them but I notice.

But what happens when I do have them in my life is that there are constant reminders that I am on the outside and I do end up feeling rejected too but on a lesser scale.

But I realise I am feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment after writing to my parents and being actually rejected again. I do know that was the last time I ever will because it was two years since I attempted to before so it is not a frequent thing and this has thrown up why I cannot do it.

I know how it can feel like reality is warped when everyone is colluding in it, but what your parents and family are saying is absolutely not true and you are the one in the right here.

Cecile being it the right here feels so far from it because any interaction with my family I end up in the wrong at some stage :(.

Thanks guys for the listening ear. I really struggle on this if I think about it too much so I really, really try not to because Gollum really comes out and I prefer living with Sméagol.

I really appreciate your help with figuring it out.

I want that I have the strength to walk away from all of the people in my entire family and extended family but actually I don’t
and no wonder, it's a huge thing to do, my family is small, not close and I'm a solitary type, I have no siblings to throw a spanner in the works.
It's pretty hard to even to think straight at all with all the crazy weird off the map events right now, apols if I'm not quite making sense!

Vibration the awful situation you’re in is really hard, you’re basically an inconvenient truth-teller in your family, they’re all maintaining the lie while you keep holding up the mirror showing them the ugly reality. Even your friend saying that your parents know ‘underneath’ that you care about them is colluding in the lie of happy families.

It’s so tempting to believe that love truth and justice are inevitable if only we can make everyone see our point of view. The trouble is they just don’t want to, no one wants to deal with your brother, no one wants to help your sister (who must be suffering terribly) and they’ve decided that it’s you that’s the problem. You know it makes no sense, and it’s incredibly cruel. Of course you’re desperate to fix it, you’ve been cheated of a family life.

The only way you can make your life better is to make YOUR life better, you won’t change them, you can only change yourself. Remember what happened to Gollum? He got consumed by something he didn’t want to let go of.

Turn yourself in the direction that will be bring more self-worth. And be firm with your friends when they offer advice, they may mean well, but they don’t know what’s it like to be the child of a abusive family.

Thank you so much Fanthorpe I absolutely know what you are saying is true. I think I have had to come to terms with there can be no full relationships for me with my family anymore because now realising the way things are it just sets me up to be hurt by them. And as Ulter I think it was pointed out, it is not them as such, it is the impossibility where it is just easier to see me as having a problem than digging any deeper.

They just don't want to, no one wants to deal with your brother
Suspect that's what it boils down to
1-tackle this man who is predatory abusive manipulative, cunning, as slippery as an eel,
2-make it the fault of the victim, someone who's already crushed and won't put up much of a fight, she's already down, just kick her a little bit more so she stays down and the problem will go away.
My parents chose option 2, they let me take the hit because they wanted an easy life, now they reap what they sow, I won't be taking any hits on their account.

Hello everyone. Was just directed to this chat because of a thread a started about my family. I’ve only had a quick read so far, apologies for jumping in. I’m glad this thread is here to help us all overcome our childhoods.

Hi Anon I didn’t see your other thread. This thread is a great resource.

Hello,

I have posted on these threads from time to time, but always name changing as I need to be anonymous.

Just phoned my mum who I love very much and had my dad - who is the problem - shouting "comments" in the background. I find this behaviour very triggering and it has now deeply upset me and caused a dark cloud to fall.

First, when I asked mum how he was he shouted "I am not in a coma you know". And then when mum and I were talking about bike shops (just a conversation about which ones were open, no plans to go), he yelled "don't go anywhere, stay within 2km of your home". Both of these comments in a horrible angry tone that. I can't bear.

I had to get off the phone after that. This behaviour takes me back to my abusive childhood with this angry bad tempered narcissist.

I am 38 years old. My job is coordinating emergency response to this pandemic. I am married to a lovely partner and I have 2 lovely kids.

I am desperate to stop this man affecting me like this. I stay in touch just because of mum.

He will never change I know that. I spent years thinking that if I could do everything right he would love me, but finally realised it wasn't in my power.

Now I just need to switch off this part of me that just collapses when faced with his behaviour. I can't bear it. Lockdown is great because I never have to see him, but then bad in that all my emotions are magnified and I can't distract myself as well as I usually do.

Every interaction with him ends with me feeling this way. I am sorry there are others who relate but it also gives me great comfort that I am not alone and not mad to feel this way.

I am at the point where I don't even blame my dad for his abusive behaviour as he has zero insight and is completely narcissistic. I pity him and my mum, and I feel sorry for myself.

HI shattered

Apart from your dad who is clearly not blameless here, I would also be looking far more critically at your mother. I would look at your boundaries here with regards to she and raise them accordingly. She does not deserve your pity necessarily.

She is really his secondary abuser and enabler here; she has failed you as a mother by failing to protect you, her now adult child, from his abuses of her and in turn you. She may well be afraid of him etc but she gets what she wants out of this relationship and she has stayed with him for her own reasons. She may well remain with him for the rest of her days. Theirs is a dysfunctional dance of codependency.

Caretaking and pleasing make codependents feel valued. Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are–only for what they give or do. Narcissists are also drawn to their opposite to support their pride and fill their emptiness–partners who are emotionally expressive and nurturing, qualities they lack. They need partners they can control who won’t challenge them and make them feel weak.

Use this lockdown to further lower all interactions with your mother; she is not supporting or even supportive of you here.

I have read this thread with both interest and sorrow that so many people have experienced this type of upbringing.

I am the middle child of 3, only daughter. My father never wanted children, my mother (5 years older than my father) basically 'oopsed' him into parenthood and marriage - They met in the January, she was 3 months pregnant when they got married in the December. My father was 18 when they met...this was the late 60s.

My mother's family was/is extemely wealthy - my father's slightly less so. My mother's family didn't think much of my father from the beginning - the age gap and the fact my father was/is a raging snob and looked down on them because he was British and they were Australian being the main reasons why. My parents moved back to Australia when my mother was 4 months pregnant with me.

For the first 5 years or so things were more or less normal. When my younger brother was about 4 my father had an affair with a work colleague. My mother was/is a practising Catholic so leaving my father, even though she would have had the financial, emotional and physical support of her large family wasn't an option. My father was then unfaithful more or less for the next 20 years - and it particularly stepped up a gear when he began working abroad when I was 10.

For the first 5 years of his working abroad we accompanied him...we spent years in what were then called 3rd world countries, sometimes in very remote areas. For 3 years we had only 6 months schooling - my parents were supposed to home school us during that time but neither had little patience for it and gave up after less than a week. When I was nearly 15, they were forced to realise our education was badly affected and my mother, myself and two brothers returned to the UK.

My mother was very angry at being 'forced' to not go with my father (particularly as started cheating on her again straight away) and never missed an opportunity to make myself and my brothers aware that she blamed us. My father returned to the UK when I was 20, got a job in London, met and left my mother for another woman a month after I turned 21...and 2 days after my own wedding. That was 30 years ago, and neither myself or my two brothers have seen him since, as my mother emotionally blackmailed us all to have no contact with him during the divorce. Personally, back then I was too young and frankly too sick of their shit anyway to get involved anyway. My mother made it crystal clear that any loyalty we owed was only to her.

I'm not even sure now if my father is still alive - frankly I don't care, that question seems to bother others (family, partner etc) more than it does me. I deliberately live on the other side of the world from my mother and have only seen her twice in the last 20 years. I speak to her on average every 3 months...the last time I did she was angry that the last time she spoke to my older brother, he told her in no uncertain terms what a crap childhood we had... she was complaining to me with ' but you went to all those exotic countries'...

Thanks to anyone who read the above essay!

my mother (5 years older than my father) basically 'oopsed' him into parenthood and marriage
I've never heard that 'oopsed' before but it's so spot on, I'm so sorry that you were lumbered with these extremely dysfunctional parents theprincessmittens and Shattered
this:
just collapses when faced with his behaviour
is such an apt way of putting it, the situation of being so triggered that you just cant counter their 'techniques' and then you are left infuriated etc because this contemptible 'throwback' person has yet again got the better of you despite the fact that you are an intelligent and accomplished adult

@theprincessmittens you’ve described an outline of a dysfunctional family relationship which sounds loveless and lonely, with no room at all for you or your voice. It sounds like your mother drove forward an agenda which resulted in misery for all of you.

I hope you have found something for yourself now. This is a good space to be in, I hope you find it helpful.

@Shatteredconfidence it sounds like you’re reaching your limit with your dad. Give yourself the space you deserve now, protect your wellbeing.

Thank you @Ulterego and @Fanthorpe...

'Loveless and lonely' is accurate...not once in my 51 years has either parents said they loved me, cuddled me or said they were proud of me. Hobbies and friends were actively discouraged - to this day I find it very hard to make and maintain friendships.

It amuses me that my mother can't understand why none of her 3 children have had children of their own...her lack of insight is staggering.

Hiya everyone it's been a while since I was on here, I hope everyone is well. Hi to all the new people, and I send you all my commiserations that you've had such shitty times with your various 'families'.
I'm still NC with my mother and her shit of a husband, I'm 8 months down the line with therapy and it has been really worthwhile. The question I have though is, do you get to a point where you are 'at peace' with it all? I've got unpleasant feeling; I can't quite give it a name but it's a kind of unsettled unsafe feeling. Probably as I have dared to defy them and so, in some ways, I feel like a child again, helpless to do anything about these people and how they treat me apart from decide I won't tolerate it anymore. But still, it feels wrong and bad and so lonely. It's like I am fearful that everything I hold dear is going to be taken away from me some how - I think it's related to being NC with my mother but I can't quite make sense of it all. Has anyone else been at this point? I need to stop ruminating about the situation but it's harder than normal because of the lockdown and all that, plus it's my mothers bday tomorrow which is going to be not helping as I am imagining her all upset and rejected because of how 'awful' and uncaring I am 'after all we have done for you..etc etc' aargh!!! How have you reached a place of being 'ok' with it all? Or do we just learn to live with that uncomfortable feeling?

@MarmadukeM I think your last sentence contains the answer - you do just learn to live with it.

I'm 30 years into NC with my father, and yes, I do still have the odd moment when I miss the idea of a father - but the reality, I don't miss at all. He was an OK father up until the moment we started showing signs of individuality...I think he liked the image of a caring father, pulled it off for a decade and then got bored with it.

If I imagine either parent being upset about my actions, I just try to remind myself that their actions have been upsetting me for 40 years...I know two wrongs don't make a right, but their actions when I was a child were entirely avoidable. My favourite cliche (because it is right) is that you reap what you sow.

Hiya Marmaduke, I agree it can be tricky to live with but I find that those impulses to defer and go back will die off or at least die back if you dont respond to them.
It's uncomfortable, but you had to make a choice and find the lesser of 2 evils, you chose the rock because you knew the hard place was worse, now you can make the rock a comfortable place to be, I'm thinking a big flat slab of rock, on a beach, put up a hammock and rest in the sun.
(Apologies if I over extended that metaphor)
I stopped with the therapy quite a while ago, while it was in some ways helping in others it seemed to make me dwell on things more, I dont know if that's the case with you.
I am fearful that everything I hold dear is going to be taken away from me some how
from what I remember of their behaviour and attacks upon you it's no wonder you feel a sense of unease, there is that history of you going against them and then waiting for their retaliation so that pattern is in a way programmed into you and it may take a while for it to be updated and for you not to be (at some level) anticipating a backlash?