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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I snooped and now I'm heartbroken

225 replies

Lost87 · 29/12/2019 15:25

I had feelings all through relationship that I'm not sexy enough etc. My boyfriend always gets so annoyed and upset if I accuse him of cheating.
I snooped his phone today and I found a group of messages on Instagram to a girl he worked with. They were from back in dec 2018 and we had been together 4 months and he had told me he loved me and we had been away together and things were really good at that time. These messages said things like "was so good to see you, you looked stunning" "do you have a man in your life now" " it's a shame we arent together i miss the hugs" she said things back like "if things were were different we would of been good together" then he replied back with "if you are still single when we are 60 then you know where I am" there was no mention of me when she asked how things are going. She is absolutely stunning and he follows her on Instagram but those were the last messages they sent but I'm absolutely heartbroken as he knows how bad my last relationship was and I was cheated on. How could he of sent those messages when he had just left my place after spending a whole week with me telling me how much he loved me. 12 months on now and I feel like this relationship is all a lie. I feel absolutely sick and ugly

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost87 · 29/12/2019 15:29

He also said "I didnt think I would ever see you again, I was shell shocked when I saw your beautiful face again"
I've found a photo from a work Christmas party that he had two weeks ago when he said he didnt have any photos or got sent any. It's of him and a girl from work taking a selfie but the photo is of another workmate taking a photo of them both. If its so innocent then why delete it.
He said he is offended and hurt that I would think he cheated on me and it's all in my head but to be honest I'm starting to think I'm not totally crazy

OP posts:
peachypetite · 29/12/2019 15:32

Dump him

TashieWoo · 29/12/2019 15:33

I do sympathise as I know how horrible it is to feel insecure, but at the same time I don’t think you should have gone through his phone. Does he know you’ve looked?

Remember, he is with you and he loves you. He has chosen you and that is important, nobody forced him to.

lorettalemon · 29/12/2019 15:34

That's absolutely vile behaviour. Please don't put up with this man

CoffeeAndCarbs · 29/12/2019 15:39

He maybe didn't tell you about the work party selfies as he knows you'd accuse him of cheating?! In the kindest way possible, I think you need to work on your self esteem as it will have a negative effect on this and/or any future relationship x

Original poster
Lost87 · 29/12/2019 15:43

Tashiewoo , no he doesnt know I looked.
Thing is he got really funny when we had only been talking for a week/two weeks as we met online dating. He saw my profile got updated and bumped up and he said he doesn't want to go forward with me if I'm going to play him and mess around. That was after one week of talking, these messages happened after 4 months of dating, saying we loved eachother and meeting my children. Yes he never spoke to her after that but it still hurts and I dont think I will ever be enough. I absolutely love this man and I have been so loyal.

OP posts:
Chickychickydodah · 29/12/2019 15:45

Get rid, the chance to cheat with her will always be there. You deserve better than that 💐

holly40 · 29/12/2019 15:48

If you don't trust him, you don't trust him. It's unlikely to change so what's the point continuing.

From those messages it doesn't sound like he had cheated, but probably wanted to / might have given the chance.

Spitsandspots · 29/12/2019 15:50

My boyfriend always gets so annoyed and upset if I accuse him of cheating

Do you accuse him often?

Original poster
Lost87 · 29/12/2019 15:53

I honestly dont know what to do. We have been together nearly 17 months and hes living with me now. Do I get over these messages?
Has anyone else been through this at the beginning of the relationship but got through it.
He told me he would never cheat on me and its insulting that I would even ask

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plumpmom · 29/12/2019 15:53

It’s best to get rid of him. If this Instagram woman clicked her fingers he’d drop you in a second. Not worth wasting anymore of your life on him

LuluJakey1 · 29/12/2019 15:55

Sounds like you have lost all trust in him. It is extremely difficult to get trust back in a relationship. You may find yourself continually checking up on him which is an awful place to be.

Why were you snooping? Were you suspicious of him for some reason?

I think you should be honest with him and tell him what you have done, why and what you found. See how he reacts and make your decision.

It sounds to me like he wanted to cheat but didn't for some reason- which might be you. Very flirty though. DH would be out the door if I found that.

category12 · 29/12/2019 15:57

If you don't trust him, don't waste your time trying to make it work.

Rockinmomma · 29/12/2019 15:59

You found messages that are a year old and at the time you’d only been together 4 months.
TBH, the major red flag here is how quickly your relationship turned serious Thing is he got really funny when we had only been talking for a week/two weeks
If you have insecurities you’re not ready for a relationship and he’s possibly not right for you anyway

TryingToBeBold · 29/12/2019 16:00

How often do you accuse him.

Molly123456 · 29/12/2019 16:00

I would ask in conversation what would you do if you were 60

Enchanted23 · 29/12/2019 16:04

If you don't dump his arse don't expect your friends and family to listen to your drama.
He's a cheat, if you stay with him that's totally your own look out but I wouldn't have much sympathy for you.

LadyAllegraImelda · 29/12/2019 16:04

It’s best to get rid of him. If this Instagram woman clicked her fingers he’d drop you in a second. Not worth wasting anymore of your life on him

^this

Joemama69420 · 29/12/2019 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Lost87 · 29/12/2019 16:12

I dont usually straight out accuse him. Its usually saying that he can do better than me. I'm not attractive enough for him etc. He told me I dont need make up and he loves my short hair ( what attracted him to me) but this girl is a beautiful Indian girl with long black hair and has extreme natural beauty.
I also know he masturbates which is obviously very natural but he always told me my photos are his go to but turns out he lied and was doing it to female wrestlers who have the most beautiful tanned bodies and long hair.
I just feel so ugly. I've given every to this man. My heart was fragile already and to see that after I had poured my heart put to him when we met and during those 4 months before those messages come about.
I would be more upset and angry if he had spoke to her since then as so much has happened during then and now.
He just came to see me and asked what is wrong with me cos I'm being weird. I am, I admit that. I just want to scream and shout at him but after all the arguments we have had about me not trusting him and my insecurities it would be the end of us.
The work night out was the first time he has been out since he moved in March but he doesbt like going out and drinking, and prefers to stay at home so I always think when he fors go out he sees that the grass in greener. I'm a washed up mum of 4 with glasses and sticky out teeth. I'm ugly and I feel like he is stuck and just settled with me now I see the type of girl he really likes and could get.

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Rockinmomma · 29/12/2019 16:13

Joemama firstly, start your own thread and you will get advice. Secondly ltb

Ohyesiam · 29/12/2019 16:13

I always found that if I was with someone who wasn’t properly “ present” in the relationship, I would feel ugly and get insecure. When I met dh I totally knew that he was prepared to be properly in a committed relationship, and I never felt insecure.
I did work on my issues and had therapy for my low self esteem, but when I could tell my relationship has a solid foundation something in me relaxed.
Maybe your feelings are just information about how wrong this relationship is for you?

ArranUpsideDown · 29/12/2019 16:14

Joemama69420 - you might want to create your own thread.

Enchanted23 · 29/12/2019 16:15

In the nicest possible way you sound infuriating. What do your friends and family think of him?
You've basically poured your heart out and he's made you feel like crap ...so why the hell are you with him?

Rockinmomma · 29/12/2019 16:17

Lost, it sounds like your self esteem is at rock bottom. FWIW, it doesn’t sound like he’s cheated or is attracted to another woman. When he sent those messages he more than likely was undecided about your relationship. Can you try to talk it out, let him know how it’s made you feel?

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