I snooped and now I'm heartbroken

[Lost87]

I had feelings all through relationship that I'm not sexy enough etc. My boyfriend always gets so annoyed and upset if I accuse him of cheating.
I snooped his phone today and I found a group of messages on Instagram to a girl he worked with. They were from back in dec 2018 and we had been together 4 months and he had told me he loved me and we had been away together and things were really good at that time. These messages said things like "was so good to see you, you looked stunning" "do you have a man in your life now" " it's a shame we arent together i miss the hugs" she said things back like "if things were were different we would of been good together" then he replied back with "if you are still single when we are 60 then you know where I am" there was no mention of me when she asked how things are going. She is absolutely stunning and he follows her on Instagram but those were the last messages they sent but I'm absolutely heartbroken as he knows how bad my last relationship was and I was cheated on. How could he of sent those messages when he had just left my place after spending a whole week with me telling me how much he loved me. 12 months on now and I feel like this relationship is all a lie. I feel absolutely sick and ugly

He said as soon as he did it he felt like shit and he was so messed up cos his feelings for me were moving so fast and this girl was the first girl he felt attracted to when he got over his ex and it was like a crutch for him. They couldn't be together as her culture means she has to marry into her same religion and she saw him more of a friend and it just didnt feel right between them to make it more and he didnt see her after that till she came into the shop and he got confused. He said if his feelings for her were strong then he wouldn't of continued with me as it wouldn't of veen fair and that was 12 months ago, he wasnt even thinking of moving in with me at that time and he was scared at how quick it was moving.
He is really down and feels like he cant make me happy at all as I'm always miserable and constantly wanted more than what there is and he feels like that isnt good enough and he is always finding ways to make me happy and make me laugh but I always want something else... mainly sex. But sex is just my reassurance that he finds me attractive and he said that's just unhealthy cos attraction isnt just sex, its who you want to share your life with, who you trust your life with x

He’s absolutely right about the sex issue and what he says about attraction. Your attitude to that isn’t healthy at all.
I’m glad you finally told him. Good luck to you.

You're doing really well op.
Honest communication.
Go to the therapy.
Once you get your head sorted you will feel happy / and sex will very likely increase.
As a side note sex is important in a loving relationship- could be you've just got a higher drive than him.
Many women feel like this.

Haven't full read everything so may have missed some details but from what you said he really doesn't sound great. He was messaging another woman saying he wished he could be with her after you've been together for 4 months. You only have sex once or twice a month. But he finds time for weird porn. You can do better.

It's not weird porn. Its just normal stuff. It was female wrestlers in skimpy outfits but this is all because he feels pressured for sex by me which I do get huffy about if nothing happens and its not very attractive. I'm just glad he isnt finding that connection with a real person

If a woman on here said her boyfriend became huffy when he didn’t get sex everyone would be telling her to leave him because he was abusive

You BOTH have your issues but in regards to sex he is absolutely right. He doesn’t have to sleep with you.

Been following but haven’t posted before. Really glad for you to get it all out in the open @Lost87, I’m sure it was hard but it’s probably the only way forward as a couple. Didn’t sound like you could just forget about it.
I understand his angry reaction to a degree, although I would have shared your concerns too of course! I think his explanation when you did talk sounds genuine and plausible. It had only been a short time into your relationship and as you say, it sounds like she had been very important to him in the past. It’s understandable that he felt confused if your relationship was progressing at speed. The important thing is how your relationship is progressing now, and it sounds like you are starting to communicate properly - which is great news! I suppose this is going to be one of those make or break situations but at least you will be able to work out (hopefully together) where you stand and where you’ll go from here. The counselling will help, although it’ll be little steps at a time. I wish you all the best, whether with or without this relationship. I’m sure it feels overwhelming right now but you will come out the other side stronger than you were before all of this.

Few things. If you lack confidence joint sw its gr8 honestly or a gym to tone up.
Go bk to college/uni and make sure you are self reliant. I have a bloody miserable husband whom I cant stand at this moment but I'm self sufficient which takes power from him also looking at his iPhone isnt good as we all need privacy and if the trust isnt their. X

I think you need to look at your trigger which was that he went to the Christmas party and hadn’t been out since March. That evening triggered your jealousy and made you feel he was acting weird and then snoop to find the photo and the messages.

You need to be ok with him socialising. You need to feel confident in your relationship and yourself. You also need to relearn that although sex makes you feel wanted and desired, it’s short lived but someone living with you and trying to make you laugh and loving you is long term affection.

I think you should also consider some other therapy alongside counselling such as CBT to give you the tools to retrain how you respond mentally and emotionally.

Thank you all.
I want to join a gym to tone up but I lost weight and went from a size 14 to size 6/8 right now but lost boob sizes and I just want to feel like a real woman but nowadays no one knows what that is as social media shoves all different bodies at you.
I'm going to lay off the sex need and enjoy the time with him cos it's a hell of a lot better than my previous relationships, when I'm happy and not moody hes so cuddly and we have such a laugh xxx

So last night turned out pretty ok.
We spent last night with him laying his head on my lap, puppy cuddled up with us. He said let's go up to bed (hour earlier than usual) but I though this to be cos he is tired.
He asked for a bum rub 😂 little massage of the butt cheeks that I really enjoy doing as he has a lush bum but I haven't done it in a week or so just cos I didnt want to.
I did it, it was lovely to do again. I stopped after 20 mins and he turned over and hinted to come over and be intimate, I said no cos I didnt want it to be a pity lay but he said "I love you, I see you and what you are"
Was so lovely but I'm making sure its just the beginning of me looking after myself and it wont glaze my view of everything.

Well done op.
Next time though if you get a lovely offer (ignore your monkey brain / self talk and say) yes pleaser with a big grin.
A big grin will make him feel really good - men like a win :)

Tbh this guy is really setting something off in my intuition, something doesn't sound right. Yes you snooped and have insecurities, normally I'd say no to looking but you did find something. Instead of apologising for messaging someone else saying he wished he was with her, he made excuses and turned it on you.

Is there any chance he is subtly messing you about and making your insecurities worse op? I'd be keeping a close eye out for any shady behaviour.

I dont think, he genuinely has put up with alot from me, I always thought he was sticking around cos he was trapped and wouldn't move out etc but hes broken down a few times just saying he wants the old me back cos he misses the person he had fun with and his best friend.
I'm the first to admit that I have been absolutely horrible to him and constantly constantly accusing him of loads of things. That was the only thing I found and there was nothing from before or after those messages. I think he is walking on eggshells with me and watching what he says cos I'm like a ticking time bomb and the slightest thing can trigger me.
Like today I said I wanted to work out and eat a bit healthier as a support to him as he done weights and worked out when I met him but we have both got comfortable and hes put weight back on and he went through depression at one point in his previous relationship and he was home alone alot being a stay at home dad and he was lonely so he ate and ate. When he split with her he concentrated on getting himself healthy.
So I said to day i want to make my bum pert and rock hard and he said "no, i love your bum its perfect" so I said "well I want to get a bit more muscly in my legs and arms" his reply was "if that's what you want then I'm not going to complain" straight away my overthinking twat of a brain thought "oh, hes not going to complain cos he prefers muscles and will look sexier than I am now"
Luckily I took a breath and went to do something in the bedroom when usually I would react and say something like "oh so no complaining cos I will finally look sexier or you would prefer me to look like that"

My brain is just triggered and I'm proud of myself for not reacting in the usual wrong way I would do.
Anxiety and insecurities suck ass x

Have you contacted your counsellor yet? It's good you have self perspective, OP.

@@Lost87 it happened to
Me about 2 years into living with someone we had to have a big chat about boundaries and expectations around this sort of thing ( flirting. Or worst case cheating )
What w wanted what he wants din the relationship ( was there a future of marriage and kids did either f us have those things as life goals )

We are still together another 10 years later our problem is we never discussed our expectations of each other up until that point

@Tistheseason17 yeh I've spoke to her. I'm seeing her tomorrow and Friday.
I'm trying to take myself away from the situation when I can feel something on the edge of my tongue

Hope these sessions help

@Tistheseason17 thank you. I hope so too as I think this is my last hope.
I cant believe the amount of replies I got back on this. Some were hard to read but I understood every single persons opinion and advice. Xx

Please look into CBT. Counselling can help you see another perspective and offload but CBT can help you retrain you’re thinking.

2nd CBT helped me loads.

I did do CBT when I had depression but at that time it wasnt really what i needed as I wasnt like i was now, it was cos of debts that my XH had occured.
I ordered a mental health journal off Amazon and it came yesterday, its really good as all the pages have something for me to fill in like "Daily feelings" which ask me how I felt when I woke up, what did I enjoy in the day, did I have any negative feelings and how did I deal with them.
Also a mood chart for the month on one page so it has boxes for each day and I colour in with a colour according to how I feel I.e pink for relaxed, blue for negative and down red for netural.
I'm really getting something out of doing it x

I know we've spoke outside of this- but just want you to know- you're doing great, it's gonna be hard for both of us but we will get there- we know what we want and we can work at it and be there for eachother . Glad Iv made a friend out of a shit situation for us both 😂

@doodles17 I'm glad we talk too.
I think we need to have our break downs behind closed doors and away from them and let them see the stronger version of us and that will help x

@doodles17 you are doing great too! X