I snooped and now I'm heartbroken

[Lost87]

I had feelings all through relationship that I'm not sexy enough etc. My boyfriend always gets so annoyed and upset if I accuse him of cheating.
I snooped his phone today and I found a group of messages on Instagram to a girl he worked with. They were from back in dec 2018 and we had been together 4 months and he had told me he loved me and we had been away together and things were really good at that time. These messages said things like "was so good to see you, you looked stunning" "do you have a man in your life now" " it's a shame we arent together i miss the hugs" she said things back like "if things were were different we would of been good together" then he replied back with "if you are still single when we are 60 then you know where I am" there was no mention of me when she asked how things are going. She is absolutely stunning and he follows her on Instagram but those were the last messages they sent but I'm absolutely heartbroken as he knows how bad my last relationship was and I was cheated on. How could he of sent those messages when he had just left my place after spending a whole week with me telling me how much he loved me. 12 months on now and I feel like this relationship is all a lie. I feel absolutely sick and ugly

Yeh that's what I said, he seems to think the honeymoon period is over and life has taken over cos we live together and work makes him tired. He is definitely not the same person I met but then again I obviously didnt know that person either as it must of all been a front and a lie if he sent those messages and acted one way and then totally changed a year down the line. I feel like such a failure and a stupid idiot for falling in love with someone x

I think you are being so hard on yourself and shouldn't. It's a new year, new decade. You shouldn't feel stupid for falling in love with someone, think about yourself and your happiness.

Hi,I'm going thru something similar,although we've been together a long time and are married. Totally know how you'll be feeling tho , I want this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach to go, it's just so awful

@doodles17 would you mind messaging me or telling me about your story and how you are coping. Hopefully we can support eachother xx

I'd like that, a lot of what Iv read of how you feel, is how I'm feeling now and Iv been searching just for anyone that is going thru the same as I just need to talk to someone who knows the feeling- How do I private message hun?? X

You're not a failure or an idiot so please don't feel that way.

@Lost87 I really hope we can help eachother, I'm looking desperately for anything right now

This is one of those threads I would like to hear the other side of. Atm it looks like some form of extreme self harm.

Tell him to bugger off, you'll just use this to whip yourself with for as long as it has an effect and then go looking for something else. The messages are not the main problem you have overall.

Focus on yourself for a while. Get your self esteem off the floor so the next relationship you have won't be shadowed by your past and you might meet a decent bloke who doesn't send messages to other woman.

@doodles17 if you click on the reply cross and then when it comes up with the page to put your reply there is a little speech bubble with 'OP' in it next to the reply arrow. If you click that it messages straight to me x

This is all that comes up when I go to reply? Xx

@doodles17 you can't PM from the app. Try logging onto the mobile site on safari

Thanks Iv done it from safari- did you get the message? X

I would find it very difficult to be with someone with such low self esteem they talk about not being good enough, pretty enough for me. What is he meant to say to that?! Sounds tedious.

The messages aren't ok.

He hates talking, communicating about issues and shuts off&I’m going to try to get some courage to talk to him this evening when he’s home from work, if he’s tired and moody then it won’t be an ideal time to talk
I’m sorry op but neither of these statements suggest you are in a happy relationship. This is no way to live especially with 4 kids and I think you are so desperate to hang onto him you will put up with anything.
You deserve so much better than this and being on your own would be better than tiptoeing round someone who treats you so badly

I've been losing sleep over this for nearly a week. I'm so confused and my head is all over the place.
I honestly dont know what to do.
Yesterday late afternoon I picked him up from work and somehow got into a conversation about a woman at his work as I said I thought she looked young for her age (I know she is engaged and has two kids) and he replied with "shes actually around my age" I instantly went into b**ch mode and came out with "how do you know her age?"... "someone at work told me"......"well why were you talking about another woman's age,you must of been interested"....."no,I heard it in conversation with one person to another"....."you just said someone told you"......"Why would I be interested in anyone else,this really isnt healthy, you are getting upset over someone and something that has nothing to do with me"
All my head was telling me was "lies,lies,lies"
I got so defensive and upset. "I dont think you feel you can leave, you feel like you are trapped here and have to stay cos you got no where else to live"......."I'm not trapped, if I didnt want to be here I wouldn't be here. I come out from work in a good mood and I get it as soon as I get in the car, I come home and get quizzed"

I spent the rest of the evening feeling guilty and sad, he spent the rest of the evening cuddling me, playing some xbox and we went to bed where he cuddled me some more. Then he fell asleep while I didnt sleep one bit.

I know I've got a problem and I know I am this incredibly annoying and irritating person right now, trust me, I couldn't dislike myself anymore than you lot who have told me I'm annoying and irritating. I'm dragging my life and my children's life down and I'm damaging him in the process

@Lost87 if you aren't careful, he is going to walk out sooner rather than later and then the decision has been made for you. I must admit, if I had been questioned like this, I would have gone last night.

OP you seriously have some issues with regards to jealousy.

Either confront him head on about the messages or let it go.
Stop trying to create arguments because you're angry at him without actually telling him why you're angry or he's going to walk.

OP, your response to him is totally disproportionate.

Either tell him and the you can try to resolve it - still salvageable right now, j would suggest.

Or.. end it with him. He does not deserve to be punished daily for a mistake he made a year ago that you won't tell him about. This is psychological and emotional abuse towards him.

Or.. end it with him. He does not deserve to be punished daily for a mistake he made a year ago that you won't tell him about. This is psychological and emotional abuse towards him.

Absolutely.

(I’d guess I know how old about 50% of my colleagues are (1400 of them, men and women). My husband wouldn’t bat an eye if I mentioned any one of them.)

You need to some work on yourself.
FAST!
Contact Womens Aid and enrole on their Freedom Programme / Project.
You were in a very abusive relationship.
You need help to overcome that as I'm sure you never had any support at the time.

And I agree with a PP. I know how old all my colleagues are.
I'd say 50% were males and I've no interest in any of them!
So that is definitely an odd thing to get worked up about.

Please do some work on you.
You owe it to yourself.

I understand that the way i am and the way I'm feeling isnt right and I do feel guilty about being weird with him and on him all the time. I dont want to be this way. I want to be confident and happy. I'm fighting a battle with myself every single day. Sometimes I see these Instagram people and women in the street that looks perfect and I would give anything to look like that. I got to a state of depression and suicidal thoughts after my marriage ended. I put on weight during my marriage due to comfort eating and then I stopped eating properly during this relationship cos I felt fat. I've never been happy with who I am

That’s not your partner’s fault though.

There must be something about you that he has chosen to be with you and your 4 children. You definitely need to get some help, and fast.

So is his sole financial contribution £110 for the sky package?

I see him as looking for a cheap place to live and he moved in too quickly ..., but you are very insecure. The conversation about his work colleague and her age was too much.

I wouldn't like his messages in the first instance in those 4 months...it's nor on.

@NeedAnExpert no I know but see that he messaged another woman when he was in a relationship with me and saying he wished they were together and to call him if shes still single in the future just showed me that all the stuff about us was lies. Some people say 4 months was too early in a relationship but they didnt see how we were together and the things that were said and he promised. I feel like a mug as I know exactly what I was doing that day and time, i was driving to pick him up to come over and stay with me and he greeted me with flowers.
I really need to sort my head out cos I can feel myself going so far south again.
Thank you everyone, i will always say thank you for anyone giving their time to comfort me or give me a bang on the head. Either way you are giving up your time to put up with this mess. Xxx

What’s done is done. It’s been a year - stop dwelling on something that hasn’t happened since!. At 4 months he wouldn’t have been that committed to you. Different people commit at different times. You will push him away if you don’t stop obsessing.