I snooped and now I'm heartbroken

[Lost87]

I had feelings all through relationship that I'm not sexy enough etc. My boyfriend always gets so annoyed and upset if I accuse him of cheating.
I snooped his phone today and I found a group of messages on Instagram to a girl he worked with. They were from back in dec 2018 and we had been together 4 months and he had told me he loved me and we had been away together and things were really good at that time. These messages said things like "was so good to see you, you looked stunning" "do you have a man in your life now" " it's a shame we arent together i miss the hugs" she said things back like "if things were were different we would of been good together" then he replied back with "if you are still single when we are 60 then you know where I am" there was no mention of me when she asked how things are going. She is absolutely stunning and he follows her on Instagram but those were the last messages they sent but I'm absolutely heartbroken as he knows how bad my last relationship was and I was cheated on. How could he of sent those messages when he had just left my place after spending a whole week with me telling me how much he loved me. 12 months on now and I feel like this relationship is all a lie. I feel absolutely sick and ugly

I can't help but raise my eyebrows a bit at the fact you were looking at messages from a year ago - not to say he did nothing wrong, but it's like you were searching really hard for a reason to 'prove' you 'weren't sexy enough', so there is an issue of you apparently looking rather hard for that. Obviously, you've been burned before, so I can understand this being upsetting.

I think you need to leave this guy, who may or may not have done more than flirting, work on your self esteem and look for someone who you can feel more comfortable with - once you are more comfortable with yourself.

Tough love alert:
You are snooping around on his phone looking for 12 month old messages? Such a grotesque invasion of his privacy and lack of respect for him. Your insecurities don't trump his right to privacy. It has honestly never occurred to me to do something like that to someone I loved.

OP, he is not your problem. You are your problem. Get some counselling, maybe try a self-esteem app or work through some books. Constantly telling someone you aren't good enough for them will become self-fulfilling prophecy because that sort of negativity dfrags the relationship down.

Find the things in yourself you can value. Think about the advice you would give a good friend in this situation. If he loves you and treats you well, respect his excellent taste and see yourself as the woman he sees you as.

You don't trust him and now you never will. He's lied to you and you've got zero self esteem and are driving him away.

Best to end it now for both of your sakes.

I’d be inclined to sort the communication issues between the two of you then decide wether to end it or not.

He's better off without you if you're inclined to snoop on him.

You won't hear that from other MNers, though, because apparently going through a partner's phone is normal and there's nothing at all wrong with it.

There are an awful lot of mumsnetters who would not have a clue they were with complete arsed unless they snooped, so this idea that no snooping ever is ok I can’t hold with.

Op, as previous posters have said, based on info available, you seem to be your own worst enemy. Don't keep saying you're not good enough for him etc , it's needy and must be irritating for your partner to have to be continually reassuring you.
I don't think he's cheated, and if I was him I probably wouldn't have shown you the selfie either for fear of the resulting inquisition.
I do understand that it's rubbish to be so lacking in self confidence, but I do think this is where your problem lies.

I was in this situation, except I was the woman who was being messaged, and I had no idea he had a girlfriend. He called me 'beautiful' talked about plans to see me etc. , and just emotional/flirty texts whilst hiding that he had someone.
When I confronted him he tried to make out that he had said everything in a friendly way but that was to save his own ass. I told the girlfriend what he had been doing but she chose to ignore it and that's her choice.

I think that even if it was only 4 months into your relationship, it was still a relationship and what he did was disrespectful, I don't get these PPs saying they would be totally fine with it and even laugh at it 🙄.

You need to decide whether you can let it go or not but it doesn't sound like you can. It doesn't seem like a healthy situation, you think you aren't good enough and you don't trust him. I have been like this before and it's not a way to live.

You need to build your self-esteem to see that you are good enough and also to reach a place where you don't feel the need to look at your partners' phone. However I do think what he did was out of line.

Sorry I haven't come back on in a while. I had to get out of the house and have a good cry cos I could feel it building up. Told him I needed to go to the shops.
I knew that posting on here I would get some backlash about my insecurities and snooping, I admit that they are bad and going through his phone some people find not a good thing but honestly when my intuition gets the better of me then I will look and I will find it, just like I did today. I'm not upset at myself in the slightest and all of you saying he is better off without me for going through his phone then that's your opinion. But when you give your heart, your home and your family to someone who has constantly said to my children that lying is wrong and liars always get found out, he was talking about himself the whole time.
I'm even more confused than I was before I wrote this. In some ways I get that people are saying that he hasn't messaged recently and it was flirty stuff, but what hurts the most about it is the lies that he told me throughout those 4 months. He was the one who wanted to be with me and told me that he needed someone who was truthful and loyal to him.
All these messages were after he told me he loved me, after we had been to Silverstone, a place that he has always dreamt of going.
If they had been the day or day before we met then I wouldn't be bothered. But he had told me all this stuff and I opened to him about my abusive and cheating husband and he knew that I never wanted my heart broken again. I dont even know if hes ever looked at those messages since. I saw on this girl's profile that she is in a relationship but if I'm truthful to myself, I dont think I'm ever going to trust anyone 100% ever again, even before I met my DP.

Everyone can have their opinions of me and my problems as I put them on here for advice and everyone has giving advice in their own way.
I dont want to be with someone who has just settled for me.
He told me a few times "would I be living with you if you weren't enough or if I weren't attracted to you?"
When he says it I sort of get what he is saying but then something happens that makes me question it.
He hates talking, communicating about issues and shuts off, I know there are a few people like that but I think if things were just talked about then things could move on. If I mention what I have seen then it definitely would end the whole relationship, there would be no coming back from it

The relationship is already over .....without trust you have no relationship do yourself a favour and end it what you need is to work on yourself and build up your self esteem

To me OP it sounds like you belong to him but he has freedom to do what he wants. The alarm bells were ringing for me when you said he was upset you'd updated your profile when you were just talking but it's ok for him to send inappropriate messages 4 months later.

If you don't trust him you're only going to hurt yourself over and over by second guessing everything he does and says.

I know for sure that if that was me sending those exact messages 4 months in then he wouldn't if stayed with me.
I'm absolutely heartbroken cos I love him so much but i dont think i could ever trust a man again. I've had 3 serious relationships and all of them have involved some sort of cheating.

I'm not surprised you feel this way after being cheated on 3 times before. The sad truth is that a lot of people do cheat, but not everyone. A lot of people have someone in the wings in case their current relationship ends, or have an overlap.
I hope you will get to a place where you have a healthy self-esteem and not reliant on a man , and so that whatever happens to you you know you will be fine and strong without a man.
Sadly I think we all take risks when entering relationships, people can cheat after 4 months, 4 years, 40 years.

I just dont know what to do.
Hes been asking me all evening what's wrong with me and he keeps looking at me.
The children were misbehaving while I was cooking the Sunday roast and a couple of them answered me back and spoke rudely to me (they do this alot when they get back from their dad's as he allows that behaviour)
I broke down again, he thinks it was because of them but I didnt need much to tip me over the edge. I want to scream out at him what I found but I dont think I can ever tell him.
There hasn't been any messages to any other woman at all, those are the only ones.
I'm not sure if his feelings are different towards me now we have been together a while. Like I said, he always says "would i have moved in and let you meet my children if i didnt want to be with you" ( I had met his eldest son from his first relationship and i met his other son for the first time in August as they live far away and he has him in the school holidays)
I keep looking at him and imagining him thinking of this girl or thinking is he wishing he wasnt here

I mean this kindly but you need counselling because your past relationship experiences are affecting you. Either there were trust issues that made you snoop or you are picking the same type of man.

I've been there OP, it's not nice.

You do not trust this man, it's not going to work. Stop wasting your time. He's an arse for sending those messages.

😢😢 I was afraid of hearing many people say leave him. This hurts more than finding messages on my ex husband's phone because I had fallen out of love with him long before and switched my feelings off cos he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and the kids. It hurts way more cos I love my DP so so much, too much its seems.
I'm trying to tell myself that things are different now cos we live together and so much has happened since then but I dont think I'm strong enough to go through a break up again, I really think I would never be able to trust anyone with my heart and to be part of me and and my children cos it's not just me its them that will be broken as they adore him

I'm flinching every time he tries to hold my hand or cuddle me. Still saying I'm acting weird but I just cant say anything.
I know I won't sleep tonight with so much going round in my head.
I appreciate everyone taking time out to offer advice and support

Hi op I'm just wondering how you are doing . I would have to mention to him about the message s or I would never be able to move on from them . I do think you are thinking the worse because you have been hurt in the past . My self esteem was rock bottom up until a few months ago and I would be thinking like you but now even tho it would still hurt I would think it happened ages ago he's still with me and I'd try to move on . As for the porn that's a deal breaker for me but if it's not for you just think that nearly all men watch it and he's not comparing you at all ❤️ I really feel for you op I have felt like you have for so many years xxx

I wouldn’t get hung up on what happened after 4 months of dating . Even if someone said they loved me I wouldn’t be holding a gun to their head at that stage of the relationship. It’s too early . You are still with him and she is not . Get over it : and this selfie thing sounds ridiculous. So what if he took a selfie with a colleague . Maybe he doesn’t even remember doing it. You need to focus on developing your own self esteem and confidence .

And don’t let your previous relationship ruin this one .

Get rid hun my advice

I'm not trying to be unkind here, but you really need to try and get a grip. The messages are 12 months old and you say there has been nothing since, so you need to either get over it - or you need to leave. This constant putting yourself down is doing you no good at all, and your relationship no good either. Relationships have to be based on trust, and it seems you are constantly looking for something to undermine that trust. Until you can reclaim your lost self esteem and learn to trust I don't believe you can be happy in any relationship.

If you don't want to split up with him but can't keep quiet that you've seen the messages just tell him.

Say you were snooping and that you found them, that you're upset he lied to you but know they were a long time ago and you want to move forward, but at the moment you're hurting.

If he gets angry that you snooped and he leaves, it's crap but ok. If you apologise and he apologises and gives you some kind of explanation, great.

Do get some counselling though. You can't live like this forever.

It’s crap facing a break up but it’s a plaster you need to pull off.

Make this year about improving you and your future life (are you happy with your job etc).

Next time, don’t move in with someone so soon. Yes the children will be upset but that would only get worse and they will get over it. Try not to mix dating and children so this doesn’t happen again (wait years before moving in together). I am a single mother myself and my children have never met any one I’ve dated. Good luck.