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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I snooped and now I'm heartbroken

225 replies

Lost87 · 29/12/2019 15:25

I had feelings all through relationship that I'm not sexy enough etc. My boyfriend always gets so annoyed and upset if I accuse him of cheating.
I snooped his phone today and I found a group of messages on Instagram to a girl he worked with. They were from back in dec 2018 and we had been together 4 months and he had told me he loved me and we had been away together and things were really good at that time. These messages said things like "was so good to see you, you looked stunning" "do you have a man in your life now" " it's a shame we arent together i miss the hugs" she said things back like "if things were were different we would of been good together" then he replied back with "if you are still single when we are 60 then you know where I am" there was no mention of me when she asked how things are going. She is absolutely stunning and he follows her on Instagram but those were the last messages they sent but I'm absolutely heartbroken as he knows how bad my last relationship was and I was cheated on. How could he of sent those messages when he had just left my place after spending a whole week with me telling me how much he loved me. 12 months on now and I feel like this relationship is all a lie. I feel absolutely sick and ugly

OP posts:
KatvonC · 02/01/2020 16:21

So basically for the first few months of a relationship you can do whatever you like ? Even if you have agreed to be exclusive ? At what point do you become 'committed', 6 months, 10 months, 1 year ?

Theredjellybean · 02/01/2020 16:33

From your description of the messages he didn't cheat. What exactly is the issue

NurseButtercup · 02/01/2020 16:45

So basically for the first few months of a relationship you can do whatever you like ? Even if you have agreed to be exclusive ? At what point do you become 'committed', 6 months, 10 months, 1 year ?

Being committed happens at the point you have the conversation to be in a committed relationship, dating exclusively is the first stage towards this.

NeedAnExpert · 02/01/2020 16:47

So basically for the first few months of a relationship you can do whatever you like ? Even if you have agreed to be exclusive ? At what point do you become 'committed', 6 months, 10 months, 1 year ?

Not what I said. But after some time on OLD where he probably was talking to several women, he could well say he didn’t think they were serious. It’s only one side of the story.

DH and I were in a LDR for the first 18 months. I wouldn’t have classed it as serious until we moved in together at that point. Either one of us could have had our heads turned by someone more local. Every situation is different.

Original poster
Lost87 · 02/01/2020 18:56

@Theredjellybean he was having a conversation with another woman who he obviously has history with asking if she had a man in her life and telling her that he missed her and she was stunning and he missed her hugs and them being together and wished it worked out. I can promise you right now if he found messages like that on my phone from the exact same time frame his bags would be packed and he would be out the door and I would get an absolute earful

OP posts:
ScarJo · 02/01/2020 19:01

@Lost87 I must say I completely agree with you. 4 months in should be the lovey dovey honeymoon stage and his eye had already wandered.

Hypothetically if he eventually cheats on you and you post on here the posters on here would be saying "well there was red flags when he messaged another woman so soon in your relationship that you just ignored."

For me, this would be a deal breaker. Bit if you want this relationship to continue you have to talk to him. You will just feel horrible if you don't

Alexandra80 · 02/01/2020 19:09

If I found out DH did that I'd leave him and we have a DC together. I just couldn't trust him. He'd have happily thrown you under a bus for instagram girl had she wanted him so what other stuff has happened that you don't know about? If he hasn't cheated on you at some point or had the full intent to at some point then I'd be extremely surprised.

But it's not you, OP, it's him. He's clearly just like that and would likely be with anyone.

Original poster
Lost87 · 02/01/2020 19:31

Everytime I think I can get over it and try to carry on I see that a lot of posters think that it's unforgivable 😢 my head is a mess. An absolute mess x

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 02/01/2020 20:45

FFS - just have the conversation with him and then decide.

octoberfarm · 02/01/2020 21:00

I honestly think the only thing you can do here is be honest with what you've found, have the conversation with him about it and both decide together where to go from here. Now you know what you know, you aren't going to be able to get past it until you've talked it through with him, and punishing him for what he did without him knowing what he's done (even when he did do wrong) isn't fair on him, and will only make you both miserable/ruin the relationship in the long run. Just be honest with him sweetheart, this (as it is now) isn't (and can't be) sustainable or fair on either of you Thanks

ScarJo · 02/01/2020 21:19

Op please talk to him, I actually feel so bad for you... I know how it feels to tie yourself up in knots on the inside. You're worth more than this.

Theredjellybean · 02/01/2020 22:26

So he said those things.. Did he anywhere say he wanted to be in a relationship with her? Did he ask to meet her? Go for a drink? Hook up?.. No... He made some comments.. It obviously didht work out between them, he was with you by then, he wasn't chasing after her.. To me he made some nostalgic, type comments.. He didht cheat, he didn't try to cheat..and you and him have gone on to have a successful relationship.. Why are you making a mountain out of a molehill?

Weirdomagnet · 02/01/2020 22:48

It does surprise me how many people have dismissed his messages to Instagram girl as nothing. I think they're awful! I'd be devastated (and angry) - seriously upset if it were me- even if nothing else appeared to have happened.

Truly amazed that the majority on here don't seem to think much of it.

But OP you do need to tell him about it (unless you can get over it... seems unlikely though).

I doubt he's all he's cracked up to be and you do NOT need him. That's not to say you might not work it out... but imho you do need to confess and talk it through. He may show his true colours anyway..

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 07:10

It's not unforgivable, it's just massively shitty of him and you need to talk to him and clarify that it crosses so many boundaries and that you won't stand for it happening again.

NeedAnExpert · 03/01/2020 08:46

It does surprise me how many people have dismissed his messages to Instagram girl as nothing. I think they're awful! I'd be devastated (and angry) - seriously upset if it were me- even if nothing else appeared to have happened.

I think it’s pretty awful that the OP went snooping. What’s next, trackers and secret cameras?

Original poster
Lost87 · 03/01/2020 09:30

@NeedanExpert 🙄 it's ok, I knew posting on here people would hate on me for snooping. I dont feel bad for doing it and i know that will cause uproar aswell. I'm glad I did it cos at least I know now that he isnt better than me and I dont feel like I didnt treat as well as he did to me.
I've stopped giving the silent treatment but I will always be on my guard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost87 · 03/01/2020 09:32

Anyone that's asked to be kept updated at how things work out I will let you know and thanks to everyone who offered support

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 03/01/2020 11:03

A relationship lacking in trust is not a whole relationship.

This will eat away at you and you wont be able to hide it.

I think he'll end it with you because of your jealousy and insecurity. Then you'll throw this bit if info at him to blame him.

You have a chance to resolve it whilst the info is fresh - bringing it up down the line to suit your needs would be abhorrent.

If your OH was a woman posting how her partner was giving her silent treatment without reason, aggressively questioning about work colleagues, sulking, jealous, overly needy etc the response would be LTB. Think about this OP and get some therapy to improve future relationships.

Original poster
Lost87 · 03/01/2020 12:07

I have contacted my counsellor from back when my marriage broke down and i stupidly only attended till i thought i was ok which was like discharging yourself from hospital before the doctor signs you off. I should of stayed with it continuously.
I'm not very good at wording things face to face and although it would be good to do it that way, do you think writing a letter to him explaining what happened and why I've been how I've been would be ok? If not I will do it face to face but I've always been better at writing feelings and worries x

OP posts:
jamdhanihash · 03/01/2020 12:26

What's the barrier in talking to him face to face about this?

Tistheseason17 · 03/01/2020 12:43

OP - Your counsellor knows you best. Go back to them with your suggestions. This is a positive step for you.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 13:02

I think if you think it's the only way you'll be able to properly explain your thoughts and feelings then you should it.

Original poster
Lost87 · 03/01/2020 19:38

@jamdhanihash I will probably hold back on certain things and it wont be what I really need to say and I would bottle at saying somethings and i dont want him to feel like he is being attacked anymore. When I write i always say the right things in the right way. Writing has always been something I enjoy doing as it helps me alot to de stress. Even if I just write a journal type thing each day, its helps x

OP posts:
jamdhanihash · 03/01/2020 20:55

Give it a go but consider how you'd feel if you were handed it. It could be useful as a crib sheet for your conversation, to help galvanise you. FWIW I think you need to get to the bottom of this - handing him a letter lets him buy time and robs you of seeing his reactions. You were in so deep at the time of those messages. You deserve the truth.

MsDogLady · 03/01/2020 22:37

I wouldn’t stay with this man. At 4 months, he had expressed love for you. He said he didn’t want to be played and desired exclusivity. He then went on a fishing expedition with this woman. If you had discovered his betrayal at the time, you may not have continued the relationship. You now know what he is capable of.

Shine a light on this and make a decision. I would not write him. You need to speak to him, but keep your words to a minimum. ‘DP, at 4 months in, when we were supposedly exclusive, you tried it on with Instagram Girl.’ Then be quiet, gauge his reaction, and go from there. If he denies, you have the option to elaborate with his remarks to her. Then be quiet and gauge his reaction. Communicate and make your decision, but don’t keep this festering inside.

Personally, I would just break up with him, as I wouldn’t trust him. You deserve better and your children should not be exposed to the toxic environment of a stressful, distrustful home.

Please return to your counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and to learn more positive coping strategies.

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