I snooped and now I'm heartbroken

[Lost87]

I had feelings all through relationship that I'm not sexy enough etc. My boyfriend always gets so annoyed and upset if I accuse him of cheating.
I snooped his phone today and I found a group of messages on Instagram to a girl he worked with. They were from back in dec 2018 and we had been together 4 months and he had told me he loved me and we had been away together and things were really good at that time. These messages said things like "was so good to see you, you looked stunning" "do you have a man in your life now" " it's a shame we arent together i miss the hugs" she said things back like "if things were were different we would of been good together" then he replied back with "if you are still single when we are 60 then you know where I am" there was no mention of me when she asked how things are going. She is absolutely stunning and he follows her on Instagram but those were the last messages they sent but I'm absolutely heartbroken as he knows how bad my last relationship was and I was cheated on. How could he of sent those messages when he had just left my place after spending a whole week with me telling me how much he loved me. 12 months on now and I feel like this relationship is all a lie. I feel absolutely sick and ugly

It's not forced when he actually starts treating me right and he was holding me and we were intimate in bed. But now I seen those messages I wonder if he is thinking of someone else whenever we have sex. He says that it's not the same as when we first met as the honeymoon period was back then and we would have sex each time we saw eachother and life takes over and hes constantly exhausted (hes said hes worried and going to the doctors cos he is way past tired and it's pure exhaustion)
I'm so frightened right now. Keep bursting into tears. He is at work today and I cant help but think that hes relived to be back at work and away from the house with 4 children that arent his.
There is no way i can tell him what I have done as I know after everything that will be the straw that breaks the camels back.
I dont know if he knows yet but I unfollowed her on his Instagram 🤦🏼‍♀️
Yes yes I know, you are all going to think "crazy, psycho gf" but I did it in a moment of pure upset and heartbreak and I was shaking and on the brink of screaming. I keep checking to see if he has refollowed which for now he hasnt but again he hasnt had much time to notice.
Oh God I'm literally falling apart, I dont know who I am and what our relationship has been for 17 months. Was it all based on lies?
He buys me things and has treated me to a lot during that time but that's not what I want. I just want love and affection. He was there for me when I had to be rushed in for emergency surgery and I was on bed rest for a week after and he done absolutely everything. He wouldn't let me lift a finger

You need to work on your self esteem and stop bringing your children into your useless relationships.
Be a good role model, work on yourself, stay single and put your children first.
They didn't ask for any of this.

My children always come first thank you. My children are my world and I am a very good mum. Please dont ever make out that I dont think about my children. I took beatings for my children and they never see the arguments

No they aren't your world if you introduce them to useless men after a few months of knowing them.
They maybe don't see the arguments, but you are hardly any use to them when you are so unhappy and not taking care of the family.
Please, get rid of him, stay single, sort your life out so you can be a happy mum.

I am taking care of the family. I always spend time with them, they are clean, fed, have my attention whenever they want it. And I dont introduce them to MEN after a few months of knowing them.
This is the first and only man I have been with since their dad and I didnt just throw him in there. He met them slowly and we never had any pda in front of them. When he stayed for that week it was only my 13 year old son who was here, the younger ones where here for one day.
The fact of the matter is this man had committed to myself and to our relationship so why is there a need to message this woman when we were in an exclusive relationship telling her he wished things could work between them?! I love how its suddenly my fault

Again I thank you all for your advice. I think I need to take some time out and really think about what I want for myself and what I can do to make myself stronger and more happier. Its needs to be me and mine. I cant keep trying to make anyone else happy other than myself and my children. I know it sounds silly but I always love to take a long walk somewhere quiet like around a lake or through the forest where there is no noise or anything to take my concentration. With my little dog who doesnt judge me at all, only when I forget the treat bag 😂

OP, I don’t think it was all fake from his side, but what happened is a form of emotional cheating.

And you clearly can’t forgive him that which is understandable.

@Honeybee85 I see what you are saying. He can still sense there is something wrong with me. Hes been trying to figure it out and he hugged me last night when he got back from work and I just tightened up and burst into tears. He looked genuinely upset at how cold I've been. Unfortunately due to what I found I am still snooping and that's awful but I've not found anything. I think because of this I'm going to build myself up, get some emotional strength and not crack and bow down to him and act like a needy arse. I've seen other posters set a time frame for things to change or feelings to change. I'm going to give it till next weekend and if things are still awkward and I cant connect with him anymore then I will have the conversation with him and it will probably be over. The children wont be in the house so it will be the best time

to you.

I caught my ex doing this too in the beginning of our relationship, sending these type of messages to his ex. Later he also made an appointment to meet her and lied to me about it.
We eventually broke up for another reason but it really damaged my trust in him.
I know how shit and betrayed you feel.

😢😢😢 I am going to struggle big time now. I keep thinking of all the things he said to me before those messages were sent.

😢😢😢 I am going to struggle big time now. I keep thinking of all the things he said to me before those messages were sent.

OP please. I don’t minimise your feelings about this at all. I don’t think I’d be the same but everyone is entitled to their opinion.
However please please tell him what you found. I was brought up with passive aggressive behaviour and constantly having to double and triple guess what on earth I’d done wrong this time. It usually came out weeks later. I had a relationship where my ex snooped and installed spyware on my phone and laptop. Please just tell him and have the conversation. I feel anxious reading about how you’re bursting into tears and he has no idea why. I understand you’re very unhappy and questioning your relationship but right now YOUR behaviour is cruel. If he was having an ongoing affair and you were biding you’re time I’d get it but not this. This is something historic. You’re not collecting ongoing evidence. It doesn’t sound like you’ll get over this so stop being cruel to him and just tell him. You’re making him utterly miserable, confused and anxious. I’ve been there most of my life and it’s absolutely soul destroying.

@Aminuts23

Agree with what you are saying completely.

OP, he knows something is off and from reading this thread you are in knots over this and want to leave it longer? That's no good to you.

You've found something that's off, so confront now, before he takes it out of your hands and gets to the stage where he goes because of what's happening.

You are really doing yourself no good and will be in a worse state when you do confront him.

Well you’re clearly not happy and neither is he. You don’t even trust him, which quite frankly is game over as regards to the relationship.

There’s only a few hours of 2019 left, are you going to spend 2020 in the same cycle of distrust and unhappiness, or finish the relationship and work on yourself?

You even said he’d happily go if you said it was over. Says it all doesn’t it?

@Aminuts23 you said you wouldn't be the same or feel the same so please can you help me out and advise me how you would handle it in my position. I know deep down I'm letting it get too much and I really do appreciate the advice and opinions so knowing what you would do if you were exactly in my place finding those messages in the same time frame would help. I'm not upset with what's been said as i know people would have totally different opinions xx

@Lost87 I think you need to speak to him. Tell him why you’re upset. Apologise for looking at his phone and explain what you’ve seen and how it has made you feel. You won’t be able to move forward until this happens. At least then he’ll know what’s going on. Try to talk calmly and explain your feelings. He will be upset with you firstly for the snooping and lack of trust but you also get your point across as calmly as you can. Only then can you both decide whether this relationship can be saved. In my opinion this being annoyed and upset with him without telling him why is very unhealthy for both of you.
I don’t know if I could get past your behaviour but like I said before everyone is different and I’m not criticising you by saying that at all. Your feelings are yours. But air your views in an open and healthy way. And good luck to you, I mean that

@Aminuts23 thank you for your advice. But how would you react and feel if you were me. Would you get over it and think it's best left in the past? X

@Lost87 I probably would if the rest of the relationship was good. It was a long time ago and you’ve found nothing to suggest he’s cheated either then or now. It’s not great what he said I accept that.
I think you need to work on yourself and build up your self esteem because you can’t be living your life being suspicious. The fact he had to delete a selfie with a work colleague isn’t great (if he did that because he feared your reaction), I don’t know why he did that. I maybe delete every few weeks stuff I don’t want (photos). It’s totally normal if he was clearing his phone, otherwise not if he has to hide it.
If you do decide to put it behind you and not tell him then you absolutely have to leave it in the past, not bring it up later in a row. If you think you might do that then you need to tell him now. I don’t know you but from what you’ve said I think the temptation to store this information as a future weapon to use against him will be too great.
I think you should be open and tell him. It might be the end but that might not be a bad thing and give you space to work on your self confidence

@Lost87 also personally I would not mention it as I could forgive that conversation. You went looking for evidence of something that you didn’t find. To me that’s a sign of insecurity and an element of wanting to sabotage your relationship anyway.
I don’t think you need to consider what I’d do as we are different people. You need to think about whether you can live and be happy not mentioning this. If not then tell him sooner rather than later. I’m rambling sorry

Read ‘Love me, Don’t leave me’ it really helped me.

@Aminuts23 please dont apologise for giving me advice. I appreciate it alot. I have been trying to relax a bit more this afternoon. It will definitely take alot of time for me to either get over it or get the courage to talk to him about it. The selfie I'm a bit in two minds about as I asked him if there was any photos when he got back as I was genuinely interested in seeing them and seeing them all having fun but he said he never had any photos taken of himself and was in the background all the time. There was no accusations before I asked about the photos. I dont like being lied to or things hidden from me cos I think anyone would wonder why.

I am going to try and get some courage to talk to him this evening when he is home from work. Will have to see what mood he comes home in though as if he is tired and moody then it wont be an ideal time to talk.
I just want to be happy and know 100% that he actually wants this and isnt keeping options open as the further this goes and the more time we spend in a relationship the harder it will be if it goes wrong x

@Miniloso I looked into that book last night and the preview looks like it centres on abandonment in childhood and things like that but my childhood was a good one. We were all a close family and never had anything happen that it mentioned. All my insecurities started from late teens when I had my first serious relationship and he cheated and took all my savings to put a deposit down on a cheap, scummy flat and controlled me and told me to not go to work cos a guy worked there, would verbally and emotionally abuse me and openly kissed and flirted with his ex gf at his nephews 4th birthday day and laughed at me when I stormed out crying. Basically all started with men

Get rid, he'll only get worse.

He sounds awful!

If you're scared he'll be in a mood and refuse to converse properly that's another huge red flag. You should still be in the honeymoon phase at 17 months!