I snooped and now I'm heartbroken

[Lost87]

I had feelings all through relationship that I'm not sexy enough etc. My boyfriend always gets so annoyed and upset if I accuse him of cheating.
I snooped his phone today and I found a group of messages on Instagram to a girl he worked with. They were from back in dec 2018 and we had been together 4 months and he had told me he loved me and we had been away together and things were really good at that time. These messages said things like "was so good to see you, you looked stunning" "do you have a man in your life now" " it's a shame we arent together i miss the hugs" she said things back like "if things were were different we would of been good together" then he replied back with "if you are still single when we are 60 then you know where I am" there was no mention of me when she asked how things are going. She is absolutely stunning and he follows her on Instagram but those were the last messages they sent but I'm absolutely heartbroken as he knows how bad my last relationship was and I was cheated on. How could he of sent those messages when he had just left my place after spending a whole week with me telling me how much he loved me. 12 months on now and I feel like this relationship is all a lie. I feel absolutely sick and ugly

I understand that a lot of you would leave and I know that I should consider it, it's just getting the strength to go through another break up and heartbreak

It's not up to us whether you stay or not. Don't feel pressured but it's good you're taking the consensus on board. Get back to counselling ASAP and discuss the dilemma.

Yeh I know, but when a majority are saying dump his ass it makes you question if what you are doing is right.
I have to take responsibility for what I done

What do you think you've done OP? You're possibly traumatised from previous abuse. You're not to blame here.

The whole snooping thing. I think that has annoyed people the most. Also I stuck around for 8 years after the first signs of abuse in my marriage, I feel partly responsible for not leaving straight away.

You stayed too long in your abusive relationship, don't stay too long in another bad one. Knowing when to quit is a good thing.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. What you have found is hard and your gut told you you would find it. I feel like you could be on self destruct and looking for things you don't want to find. Though, I do NOT condone his behaviour. It sounds like you have had a really tough time.

I hope you control the outcome you would like.

You've been abused. It is hard to leave an abusive relationship. If you were abused in childhood as I was then it can be even harder to break free and hard to know what is appropriate behaviour such as the snooping. Make this your chance to get proper therapy and deal with your issues for you and your DCs sake.

The snooping... meh. Trust was gone if you were doing that.

OP - Is the current relationship abusive, too?

I did not get that from your posts? Only that you had snooped and found very old texts which impacted how you felt and that past relationships made it difficult to talk to current partner about it?

If current BF is abusive that is a different matter?

I don't know if that matters particularly. The effects of abuse can curdle even non abusive relationships. OP can't adjust her behaviour to relax and enjoy a non abusive relationship if she's traumatised.

He has never laid a finger on me and doesnt belittle me every single day like my past ones. The only time he has ever called me anything is in a argument and just called me moody arse which is true. I've been hit, pushed, stood in a corner, called ugly, useless, disgusting, stopped from going to work, threatened, forced to have sex when I didnt want to. I've been through a lot but the guy I'm with now is no way like that x x

I don't know if that matters particularly
It does to me as I had not advised her to leave. If he'd been abusive I would have said LTB.

@Lost87 - I still think you can sort with current partner irrespective of those texts. He understands you and what you've been through and why you act as you do. Letter or go back to your counselor. I'd not give up on him when he did not actually cheat and is good to you.

@Tistheseason17 Thank you. I'm hoping that will be the case where we can sort it out. I have so many thoughts going round my head about if he finds me attractive, if hes just with me cos he feels sorry for me, if he thinks of other women while being intimate with me.
We haven't had sex for a couple of weeks (we dont have sex alot, maybe once a week) and yesterday was a good day between us with lots of laughs and messing around and last night he actually starting things, we were right in the middle of the throws of passion 😂 and my daughter started crying. I went to sort her out- like 2 minutes, come back in and I go to cuddle and kiss him and hes like "its killed the mood now" I automatically put my moody face on and be like "it's been a while since we felt ok enough to be intimate again and now you will wait another 2 weeks to start anything again" I just don't engage my brain and open my mouth first.
My insecurities make me think that I'm not enough for him to want to be intimate again this weekend and will wait and will find his photos of these wrestlers or porn to masturbate again all week (he works 8pm-2am so we dont get weekday evenings together)
I always wanted to be that girl that someone cant wait to get their hands on cos she makes them feel so good. It was once like that in the beginning but not anymore.
I've got a lot of work to do to even be normal again. 😔😢

It will take time but he needs to udnerstand why you are reacting in this way or you will push him away.

Naturally, if you have a discussion and it does not feel right you may end it anyway - but at least give yourself the chance to be loved.

I told him 😢 hardest thing I have ever had to do

How did it go, OP?
Was he understanding?
Did his response indicate he had cheated? (I hope not)

Has the situaiton calmed now to a sensible conversation? The first bit can be the hardest.

He was very upset that I looked, asked me what made me decide to want to look. I explained and apologized for looking, then said how it made me feel seeing those messages but he would address them at that moment. Just kept focusing on the snooping which I knew he would do. I asked again why he sent them but he walked out cos he was a angry

Don’t let him shift the focus to your looking at the messages. That is minor compared to his trying it on with another woman.

Okay.
Let him cool down. He does have a right to be annoyed that you snooped and those messages are over a year old. However, he did send those messages and you need reassurance.
Talk again in a bit.

Dump him & let him be with her, if he's so passionate about her

Hes not passionate about her now. It's a giant mess that's built up with my paranoia, anxiety and I cant trust anyone.
Honestly I wish I could rewrite my life. I went through all that in my past. I escaped that ex boyfriend from when I was 18/19 and went on holiday with a friend cos he kept following me and calling. My parents paid for us to go for a beach break abroad and I got sexually assaulted and when I fought him off he left me with the words "take what you can get you ugly bitch cos no one will willingly shag you"
Yeh, exactly, I'm surprised I can even get up in the morning right now.

He has said he felt like shit some points after sending them, especially after all the things that i done for him and all the things I've arranged that he loves and I listen to what he is interested in.
He cant cope with the lack of trust right now and he knows that those messages will make it worse. I told him that I am struggling so much right now with my own problems and I understand if it's too much.
I explained how it made me feel like shit seeing these women that he likes from TV and this girl but he said he also feels like shit cos it seems like whatever he does I dont seem happy.
It's a vicious circle and I dont know if it will break and be able to work out but right now I'm glad I told him how I feel and he told me how he feels.
He said that he honestly wouldn't be here if he didnt love me but it's becoming increasingly harder to cope with my outbursts which I understand

OP - it is not the end of the world.
He says he loves you.
Do you still want to be with him now you have talked through the messages? If yes, then why not tell him about your counsellor and how you are going back to them to work through your trust issues - considering what you have been through you are doing really well, but you do need to finish the therapy to help you for the long term future.
Hope the chat goes wel.. I think he will see it as positive that you are getting physical help and not ignoring the issues.
Best wishes.

Yeh I told him I'm seeing someone. I saw them at when we had been together about 6 months cos I knew my insecurities would come around again but stupidly I stopped seeing them thinking I would be ok.
It's very hard at the moment as it's all gone quiet between us cos the kids are home and we refuse to talk or discuss things when they are around but they have all just gone to bed so we will sit down again and actually decide if we can work at it or need a break.

How did he address and reconcile expecting exclusivity and trustworthiness from you but then abusing your trust by crossing lines with this woman?

There will be posters who push for you to split up. Only you can decide this as it is only you that is in the relationship with him and only you who can tell whether he is truly sorry about those texts.

Don't let MN push you to make decisions that are not right for you.

Go and see your counsellor and make decisions with a clear head and real life support.