I snooped and now I'm heartbroken

[Lost87]

I had feelings all through relationship that I'm not sexy enough etc. My boyfriend always gets so annoyed and upset if I accuse him of cheating.
I snooped his phone today and I found a group of messages on Instagram to a girl he worked with. They were from back in dec 2018 and we had been together 4 months and he had told me he loved me and we had been away together and things were really good at that time. These messages said things like "was so good to see you, you looked stunning" "do you have a man in your life now" " it's a shame we arent together i miss the hugs" she said things back like "if things were were different we would of been good together" then he replied back with "if you are still single when we are 60 then you know where I am" there was no mention of me when she asked how things are going. She is absolutely stunning and he follows her on Instagram but those were the last messages they sent but I'm absolutely heartbroken as he knows how bad my last relationship was and I was cheated on. How could he of sent those messages when he had just left my place after spending a whole week with me telling me how much he loved me. 12 months on now and I feel like this relationship is all a lie. I feel absolutely sick and ugly

If I found old messages on my dh's phone from 4 months in, after we had only just met, and the relationship was very new, I would laugh them off. That is because we are now solid, established and I trust him 100%.

You were taking the relationship, with essentially someone who was a stranger, too seriously at 4 months having introduced him to your children and then later moved him in too soon, but 17 months on, if you don't feel solid or trust him by now you are better off without him and giving yourself a chance of finding someone who will make you feel secure.

The first messages are a year old and don’t indicate more than flirty chat.

The photo he’s deleted because i imagine it’s like living with the Spanish Inquisition.

There is nothing more irritating than constantly being challenged on your depth of feeling or accused of cheating when you haven’t.

Either break up with him for stop accusing him of being unfaithful. You sound like you could be turning into a nag. (Nagger?)

Brush your teeth, cheer up and give him a kiss before you drive him away with your accusations.

I'd rather be with a solid steady happy man any day than a looker.

We all look like shit when we get older anyway...

I think you should definitely confront him about it, yes you shouldn’t be snooping through his phone but if you didn’t you would have been none the wiser about what he’s been up to. Maybe he’s changed now, but that doesn’t make what he did okay, and from the messages he sent I doubt he has. Like pp have said if that woman became available and/or made a move he wouldn’t think twice about taking the opportunity. Leave his ass, you don’t need someone putting you down constantly, you know you deserve better op.

The issue is our low self esteem, OP. This can be a massive turn off long term. There are only so many times a partner can tell you that you look gorgeous but if you don;t believe them it does get extremely tiresome.

As PP advised, it is unlikely he cheated. A lot of relationships start where someone gets picked over someone else. In your case - YOU were his top choice.

Either accept this and move on or ditch him and work on your self esteem before you look to meet anyone else.

Two issues:
If you are insecure for whatever reason, then you need to fix you. Nobody else can.

Second: you shouldn't have snooped, but you did. Can you really ever trust him? Some people may be ok with his behaviour in the early days, but can YOU? What are your boundaries? If it transgressed your line of right/ wrong then it is up to you to make a decision.

Personally though, it sounds like you need to learn to love yourself a bit more.

"Brush your teeth, cheer up and give him a kiss before you drive him away" wtf are you saying

Erm, he sounds like a narcissist arsehole. Dump him, sort out your self esteem. I’m so sorry you’re going through this

And this is your first post I see.

If my husband had been messaging women 4 months in I'd dump him. That is such a lack of respect. How can someone think this is ok and laugh at it ?!
Don't be a doormat. Dump him.

The main issue is that he sounds like a crap bf who is paying on your insecurities and not making you feel worthy.

Please get rid. Don't waste time on him.

Sorry I misread your message. I thought he was telling you you weren’t good enough for him!!!

You need to sort out your self esteem. So what he wanks to female wrestlers! It’s fantasy. It’s also very unattractive to belittle yourself like that and you could creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

4 months into a relationship is nothing. I can understand it’s hurtful but unless you’ve discovered something more recent I’d let it go if you can.

The priority is your self esteem however. Do that for you and your children

I don’t get some of the responses on here at all? How is he a narcissist??? He had a conversation with this woman over a year ago. It probably was a bit inappropriate but you hadn’t been together long and he hasn’t messaged her since. If any partner of mine snooped my phone and got arsey with me about this I’d dump their arse. I’d also dump anyone behaving in such a clingy needy way who constantly accused me of cheating. I know why he deleted the photo. Because of exactly this! Poor guy.

He’s probably trying to work out why you’re in a mood with him. Expect the relationship to end when you tell him why. Do him a favour and just end things so he can be with someone who trusts him. After all he hasn’t done anything wrong!

@aminuts23 sorry I made the narcissist comment coz I’d misread the message.

@Strongmummy ahhh! Ok

Stop externalising your insecurities. You rob yourself of being able to fix them. I’m a bloke and some of my female friendships are very important to me and yes some of the women are extremely good looking (one is a mum of 4 too). I couldn’t thrive in a relationship with someone who doubted my integrity constantly. It would be a deal breaker.

Might I suggest you talk about how you feel as opposed to making accusations or blaming him for those feelings. Like as not you have these anxieties thanks to past trauma so try and open the conversation in those terms.

Drop him. Tell him to leave, give him a week and he needs to get out.

Then, do NOT get into another relationship. Book yourself some private counselling sessions and get to the cause and treat your self esteem issues. Spend some time working on yourself and giving yourself 100% and not to another person.

@LuluJakey1

Quite so. I want to hear more about the masturbation to wrestling images.

And this is your first post I see.
Why do people always say this? I name change on a weekly basis and never announce it.

Get rid! You won’t get over this, it will eat away at you and damage the relationship even more. 17 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

You need to work on your self esteem or you won’t trust anyone. These messages are a year old. He was closing off an episode in his life and has been with you since. Why are you looking for problems?

You should end it with him. But don't tell him the reason why, just make out that it isn't working for you and insinuate he "isn't enough". He deserves to feel a bit shit to be honest.

I’ve been where you are, not accusing my now ex DP of cheating on me but needing reassurance, and it killed the relationship. It would have gone that way anyway but I certainly didn’t help, saying that I don’t regret it.

Please don’t say things like “You can do better than me” as like I said, he has chosen you. I know you are in a way flattering him with that but then you accuse him, I’m not excusing his behaviour four months in but it isn’t nice for him to have to justify being with you and face accusations.

The relationship moved rather quickly and now it might be time to slow things down a bit. Do you get to go on date nights away from your DC?

It’s not a man’s job to prop up a low self esteem (and more importantly it’s not technically possible) and walk on eggshells the whole time for fear of prompting an outburst. In fact if the shoe was on the other foot this would be correctly identified on emotionally abusive behaviour.

I don’t understand why people think it’s acceptable to do these things just because they were only 4 months into their relationship, if you’re in a relationship than you’re in a relationship, there’s no ‘oh it’s early so we can cheat’ buffering days.

So what if it was only 4 months in? How far does that logic extend? Is it therefore acceptable to cheat if you're not engaged? Not married? Not married for 10 years plus? This logic negates the whole principle of cheating. He was in a relationship, he made come on comments to another woman. He's a cheat. I would end the relationship, no discussion and no wavering.

I also want to add that your constant refrain of 'you're too good for me' does nothing for you or the power imbalance in this relationship. It just serves to strike his ego and fuel any pre-existing thoughts he might have that he could do better. If you do stay with him, stop doing this.