I snooped and now I'm heartbroken

[Lost87]

I had feelings all through relationship that I'm not sexy enough etc. My boyfriend always gets so annoyed and upset if I accuse him of cheating.
I snooped his phone today and I found a group of messages on Instagram to a girl he worked with. They were from back in dec 2018 and we had been together 4 months and he had told me he loved me and we had been away together and things were really good at that time. These messages said things like "was so good to see you, you looked stunning" "do you have a man in your life now" " it's a shame we arent together i miss the hugs" she said things back like "if things were were different we would of been good together" then he replied back with "if you are still single when we are 60 then you know where I am" there was no mention of me when she asked how things are going. She is absolutely stunning and he follows her on Instagram but those were the last messages they sent but I'm absolutely heartbroken as he knows how bad my last relationship was and I was cheated on. How could he of sent those messages when he had just left my place after spending a whole week with me telling me how much he loved me. 12 months on now and I feel like this relationship is all a lie. I feel absolutely sick and ugly

You should leave him. and maybe work on your insecurities, and he should leave,as he sounds like an odd ball numpty.

Wow I’m shocked at some of these replies!

Okay you shouldn’t have gone through his phone BUT has everyone skimmed over the fact he was messaging another women whilst in a committed relationship with you?! So what if it was ‘only’ four months in? At what point does it become unacceptable to be sending those kinda messages to other woman, 6 months, 2 years?

I’m not saying breakup with him. I rarely say that on here because it’s easy for posters to say that when it’s you that has to live the reality. But what I would say is have a long hard think on whether this man is truly the right one for you?

Aside from that, I do think you’d benefit from getting help with your self esteem. My DP makes me feel loved and attractive yet I know he also finds other women attractive, some who don’t look anything like me. It’s okay for him to find other people attractive as I’m sure you do too. But I do think he crossed the line with those messages.

Sweet heavens you are putting yourself through the wars here! Please start trying to be a little kinder on yourself. I suspect you have internally and quite probably unconsciously taken on responsibility for your past partners infidelity. Please get some help, the rest of your life doesn’t have to feel like this.

I think you need to have a heart to heart and tell him you found messages. Then you have you decide whether you stay together or not. Then you need some help with your self esteem.

I can see why some people are telling me that it was 12 months ago and I should get over it but he knew exactly the things that had happened to me and he knew I didnt want to talk to or start dating anyone that wanted to play the field and we had already committed to eachother by then and were exclusive. We were planning xmas together, spending every weekend together, he had just spent a week at my house, it was only supposed to be two nights but when I took him home I got a text saying how much he missed me and he wanted to come back and stay for the rest of his week off.
We recently spoke about our relationship and my insecurities and I was trying really hard to be happier and try to be happy with myself. He started to become more affectionate and actually wanted to have sex with me and instigated it. Sex is another big issue as to me its important in a relationship to feel wanted and attractive. Our sex life dwindled and he told me its cos he is constantly tired and me always wanting it was off putting.
The past two weeks it got better and we had sex about 2-3 those weeks. Now it just feels like its going back to normal and when I tried to talk to him about not wanting it to go back to how it was and still both trying to make the effort he told me he wants to go to sleep.
I don't think he would really be bothered if we broke up. He wouldn't get upset and would just pack his stuff and find somewhere to live.
When he have come close to breaking up before it's been me who has been in tears and begging to make it work.
I dont think I'm emotionally ready for all this. I really feel broken and a mess.

You are not in the right place for a relationship. To be honest I didn’t see a huge amount wrong with the messages. They were a year ago, he didn’t pretend to be single. Not ideal but not evidence of cheating at all. He didn’t get rid of them, despite the fact he must suspect you’d snoop on his phone because he doesn’t think he’s done wrong (I agree with him).
Your reaction is not normal. You say you had a feeling something wasn’t right so you snooped. What was it that wasn’t right? NOTHING? You didn’t snoop thinking you’d find messages a year old. You snooped assuming (I believe) that you’d find him up to no good now. There’s no evidence of that at all. You’ve got to let this man go for the emotional health of both of you. He must be walking on eggshells all the time with you suspecting and accusing him when he’s not doing anything. You need to work on yourself.

@Aminuts23 how do you believe there was nothing wrong? He was calling another woman stunning and wishing that they were together. Also saying he missed her cuddles and asking if she has a man in her life (obviously hoping that she didnt) I think if she said that she wanted to see him again and not the answer he actually got then he wouldn't be sitting here next to me right now. I was second choice

Ignore the people saying that they would 'laugh' about those messages after 4 months of dating. Trust me, they wouldn't, they would be writing on here about it. It depends whether you are able to forget it or not, but it wasn't a respectful thing to do at all.
I think some people on here like to bring others down and say things just to stir.

@Aminuts23 also found the photo from his work thing that he lied about. If the photo was innocent then why delete it and lie about only being in the background of photos. He wouldn't hide stuff that he has an explanation for. He was really weird after the work party, he would go off with his phone alot more and was getting lots of WhatsApp messages and suddenly getting off his phone when I come in the room. People think I'm being paranoid but there has been some little things all through the relationship that caused me to want to snoop. I'm fighting with myself, half of me wants to just end it to save him and me from anymore arguments but half of me wants to just work it out and deal with it.

@Sorellaxox I literally dont know what to do. I know some people are finding me infuriating and annoying but this is my life. I love the bones of this man, I only ever wanted to be loved back.

I think you have made up your own mind - reading your posts - you know what you want to do so act on it. It will be devastating for a while but you are devastated now. Have a break or split up for good but you can’t pretend nothing is wrong to him.

You say you are torn between splitting and working it out but the blow back from snooping may result in him leaving.

He would definitely leave and it would be on me too. He will say that i will never trust him but nothing will be wrong with the messages, it would all be my fault. I'm hurting so much right now cos I really love him and when its good its good but it doesnt last long. We both made a big effort the past two weeks after the works party fall out but then he stops instigating sex and starts getting tired and snappy

Oh God, I can't add much more than what's been said but I really feel sad for you. I think I would have to end the relationship and 'get my house in order', so to speak, by working on my self esteem. Make time for fitness and hobbies and just enjoy the benefits of being single. I understand why you went through his phone but whether you were wrong or right to do so, you now feel like his fall back option and that's horrible. I would start afresh without him if I were you.

You seem very unhappy. What does he bring to your life? Do you work?

The photo is nothing, it could have downloaded automatically from a workmates WhatsApp message and he deleted it because he didn't like it/want to keep it. You won't do yourself any favours bringing that up, it's hardly a lie is it? Even starting with a "guilty unless proven innocent," approach, this is scraping the barrel for proof of wrongdoing. Forget that.

If the other messages really have upset you, I think it's reasonable to have a conversation. I think you could say that you feel it's unequal, you can't update your profile... he can message other women - does he think that's fair? You apologise for snooping but don't keep pointing out your perceived flaws to him - that's much more unattractive than wonky teeth.

I just feel like after our last major fight I did all the effort. I woke up every day and tried to smile and be happy. We got really close again, sex was amazing and he actually started to make an effort with making me feel wanted and worth it. It doesnt last long and that's why I looked.

he said he doesn't want to go forward with me if I'm going to play him and mess around. That was after one week of talking
This was a pretty big red flag you ignored here!!!!
Had you even met him at that time?
That's controlling behaviour right there.

You say 'the good' doesn't last long.
Why are you putting up with this kind of crap?
Does he contribute properly to household chores and finances?

It all sounds like hard work - how old are you both and how old are your 4 children OP?

@BigSandyBalls2015 I am 33, he is 35 and my children are 13,9,6 and 4.

@hellsbellsmelons no I hadn't met him when that happened. My friends made me the dating profile as they had done it before and they updated my photos as I never told them I was talking to this guy. They took a nice photo of me on a day out and they put it on. He asked me why I was doing that when we had opened up to eachother and he couldn't be played again as it's taken him 2 years to get over a horrible relationship that broke him
He pays £110 a month towards the sky TV and gas/electricity. We get universal credits to help with rent and he works 8pm-2am Monday-Friday

He doesnt really do any housework. Once in a while he will. I get really stressed with running a house with 4 children, a puppy and trying to get housework in on top of that. When I get upset he always tells me "just relax, dont stress, it's all ok" then during an argument he said " you get to sit on your arse all day while I go to work, downstairs is a mess and has been for ages" when we argue or he is tired he can get really snappy and turns into this totally different person. I dont know who the real him is.
I just wish things were like they were 2 weeks ago up till xmas. Xmas day was amazing and he cuddled me and said that seeing me happy makes him happy and he is enjoying his time with me. That he cares for me

But since 2 weeks ago you snooped his phone, you haven’t told him what you’ve done and you’re unhappy that things are not the same. He’s not stupid. He must know you’re totally hacked off with him. You can’t expect him to be affectionate when he undoubtedly feels anxious about what he’s supposed to have done now and why you’ve changed. Just tell him what you’ve done and seen and let him decide whether he can stand this any more.

You're not happy and when you try to be happy it's forced. Just end it.

He is making you unhappy.
As one of my friends always used to say to when I complained about the guys I were dating: he’s not the one.

This guy is not going to make you happy in the long run and you know it. There is someone out there for you, but you’ll never know who it is if you stay in this relationship with a guy who is making you insecure & emotionally cheating on you.