"But we took you to Stately Homes" November 2019 onwards thread

[toomuchtooold]

It's November 2019, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
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August 2013
December 2013
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May 2017 - August 2017
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December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
August-October 2019
October-November 2019
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Hi, Slippermaiden, and welcome.

I think you’d like it @SingingLily, it helps you to think about your feelings mainly, about where they might come from and what you could do with them. It helped me to think more about the different times when I shut down, go into ‘helper’ mode and when emotion kicks in.

Hi. New to this thread, Just starting to work through a few issues and found this thread.

All of which I do too, Hero. You've made my mind up. I'll have a go. I tried one of the books listed in the opening post but just found it a bit, erm, self-conscious and it had a chapter about nursing a doll which really spooked me out as I have doll-ophobia (I'm sure there's a proper word somewhere). Time to take the plunge again, I think.

Morning, andthentherewere, and welcome.

Welcome slipper and andthentherewere!

I think the book is definitely worth a read lily . It explains how many of the strong emotions we encounter are often rooted in our own childhood. Often these emotions come out when dealing with our children, but equally they can come to the surface in any encounter.

There are also sections which are useful in general in life, such as the “proper” way to argue. Obviously that’s probably not much use when dealing with a narcissistic parent!!! But with emotionally intelligent adults it’s helpful!

I’m wobbling a lot today! My mother has been sending lots of messages concerning Christmas gifts for the GC - she will no doubt bombard them with things. I’ve politely declined everything she’s suggested so far on the basis they (genuinely) already have everything she’s suggested. She’s also asked me to send some photos, which request I have ignored.

It angers me immensely that she has no genuine interest in the children yet she wants photos of them so she can make out to the few people she speaks to that she’s some wonderful GP. To recap, I live abroad and when she came to visit at the start of the year she took to her room sick for four days and didn’t come out, while I looked after a newborn and two sick children. Surely when your mother comes to visit when you’ve just had a baby she should look after you rather than expecting you to mother her. Still, I’m doubting myself as to whether I’m being awful to her in not actively contacting her at all and replying shortly, if at all, to her messages.

In a way I want her to ask what’s going on so that I can tell her that she has gone too far this time. But she knows that too well which is why she’s not asking the question.

Holy crap, 4 pages since Saturday evening!

I kept seeing posts all weekend and wanting to respond to bits and bobs but I never get enough time to actually sit down and read everything properly until the house is empty. So I hope people don't mind if I just do a massive brain dump post now, in no particular order.

First off welcome to all the new people! Shame that you have to be here but it's lovely to have you.

@Getoffmylilo I thought it was interesting what you said about the "narc" term being bandied about so much these days. I have really mixed feelings about that because on the one hand I hope that it's raised people's awareness, and I believe that a lot of the reason that it's become so common to talk about is because there are actually a shedload of people with cluster B personality disorders out there (estimates I've read put it at a few percent of the population, which doesn't sound much, but if you think that's one in maybe 30-50 people, then probably everyone knows at least one) and I think there's been a tipping point in the last few years of people becoming aware of it, and that's brilliant - but then it does become something that dickheads will use as an insult, whether it applies or not.

@LauraPalmersBodybag I like Pete Walker's line that compassion starts with self-compassion, I think that's really true, and I think that if you can practise forgiving yourself for your (perceived) parenting "failures" it will make it easier not to fly off the handle with your DD. The Philippa Perry book people are talking about it also good on this, that when we get irrationally angry at our kids it's often triggered by something that happened to us in a similar situation or a similar age. I found it very hard when my kids turned 3, it was a struggle. I think it is a hard age for a lot of us.

@Loneranger14 I agree with powkin, and would also ask whether you have any way of getting into contact with the social work department that took to do with your DD's adoption? Because they might be able to advise you. A quick google tells me that if you're in England or Wales she won't be able to get your details until she is 18 (16 in Scotland though) so there is some time. It must be bringing up a hell of a lot of feelings for you. Have you seen, that charity that powkin mentioned has groups and counselling, I wonder if it would be worth contacting them?

@ethelfleda that is a hell of a lot of stuff to be carrying around.
Like you I have seen the pattern of having absolute arseholes come into my life. What I have found really infuriating and hard to understand is that these are people who sometimes can be perfectly nice to other people, it's me that gets the shitty end of the stick. (I met someone once at a baby group who had had my boss a few years previous and I had to check we were talking about the same woman. Encouraging, helpful, inspiring... the exact opposite of how she treated me. But these fuckers see life as a totem pole. You can either be above them, then they defer to you and treat you brilliantly, or you're below them, and they treat you like shit.)
How are things with your DH normally? It can be so hard to tell whether someone is doing right by you if you've had upbringings like ours. It is hard not to be suspicious of everyone. But sometimes we are right to be suspicious as well. Do you know what I mean?

@angstinabaggyjumper without wanting to armchair diagnose your mum, have you read anything about paranoid personality disorder? I believe my mother has this, she fits all the diagnostic criteria. I think of it as NPD but without the charm. It's shares that thing of them being the centre of the universe - everything that happens sort of happens at them, they seem to believe that we all do everything in our lives with a view to how this will affect them, do you know what I mean?

@powkin it does get better, honestly. I could have written your whole post when my kids were babies, all the things about suicidal thoughts being like a sort of escape, I felt exactly the same way... I don't know if this will ring any bells for you but I had some contact with postnatal mental health services and what I found hard was that, a lot of my issues were about anxiety and doing it right and stuff, and while they were nice and the mental health nurse I saw was very down to earth, still they have a sort of professional responsibility to recommend you all the best practice stuff - breastfeeding, the frankly mental sterilising guidelines if you use formula, all the cot death guidelines, tummy time, baby led weaning, you name it... I could have really done with someone who was in a position to give me permission not to do all that stuff. A mum, in fact. I could have done with a mum. You really miss a good mum in these times.
I would also say that there is a thing, well there was for me, where I felt like when the kids were very small it was always me making the psychological weather. You don't get much off a baby in terms of the mood. It's lonely. It gets better once they get a bit older, that aspect anyway. You know what an 18 month old is feeling, they let you know I still found it nerve-wrackingly changeable at that age, but it was better than when they were teeny tiny.
I think that also gets easier if you see some adults. I bet that going back to work will help. I liked it as well when my DDs were in nursery that I felt like someone else knew them, and knew little kids, and I could see that the kids were fine and we were basically all just normal and it was OK. It's very isolating, maternity leave, and if you've had a shit childhood of your own, I think you tend to fill silence of any kind with worries.
On the money and control thing, my mother was the same. One thing I would say to you is, you don't have to feel grateful for those strings-attached gifts, and even if you do feel grateful (or guilty), you don't have to do whatever it is she tries to guilt you into as a result. And if your parents are anything like my mum, I'm guessing that turning down a gift will also give them the hump - so you can look at it like that, that you're accepting gifts to keep the peace, so no sense of obligation required...

@Jinglebells10 I also shared your childhood fear of ever marking the paintwork. I remember as a child thinking I would never buy expensive furniture (my parents did that inexplicable working class thing of replacing a three piece suite and all soft furnishings every four years or so, so it felt like The New Carpet, Don't Get It Dirty was a constant feature of my childhood) so that I didn't have to shout at my kids and then when I actually had kids I thought, I don't even want to shout at them about expensive furniture. It's not like they ruin it on purpose. I think my mother also thought she was the ideal mother. Our house was very clean. I was very clean. I know that was an improvement on how she was brought up (massive family, no money) but it wasn't much of one, you know? My mum talked a lot about how hard they had it, implying that my life was charmed in comparison. I used to think, if this life is so charmed, why do we have to be so fucking miserable?

@yellowlemon you talk about sharing some of the features of NPD. Have you ever looked at complex PTSD? Pete Walker has a good book on it. I also see myself reacting sometimes in the way that my mother did. I think we all have CPTSD. It makes us have emotional flashbacks. It makes us overreact. The difference, I would say, between us and them, is that we have insight into that and don't react, where they took great pleasure in bringing us along on the rollercoaster of their emotions (well, emotion: anger) and making us responsible for how they felt.

Poo, I want to write more, but need to pick up the kids. Will come back!

@chloechloe I understand.

You’re allowing her to dictate your response, you know you don’t have to do anything. You don’t even need to justify your reasons, but yes she was utterly ridiculous when she came to stay with you.

You can ignore her needy messages. Maybe tell her you’ll be in touch next year? The most important thing is it’s your call! Sending fortitude and good wishes your way!

Thank you hero, it’s good to know somebody understands. The thing is, I’m not even sure I want to be in touch with her next year!

chloechloe

I would maintain radio silence and furthermore do not ever acknowledge any "gifts" (I use the quote marks deliberately here because such things sent by toxic parents are never without obligation attached) but dispose of these as you see fit. Being drawn into responding to someone like your mother further opens lines of communication that should be closed down.

Just checking in and reading, although not able to contribute yet.

Right the last two things I wanted to say... yellowlemon and others were talking about hobbies etc always having to pay or be worth something. This was a big thing for me as a kid, not only with hobbies but certainly there: my mother would make a massive thing out of any hobby that required you to buy stuff upfront and I took that into adulthood, where I am terrible at feeling like I have to "earn" any hobby by doing it for ages with borrowed or second hand equipment before I can buy the good stuff. Of course the thing about that is that there are loads of hobbies that are absolutely shite when you do them with shite equipment. My family extend this to almost everything, so that when my DH did a masters that would eventually qualify him for a very good job, various members of my family asked why he was having to pay for it himself, the implication being that if you couldn't get someone to sponsor you, you must not be good enough. It's this totally sort of passive, risk avoidant way of life where any sort of investment from buying your own telly (and not renting) to learning to drive and getting a car to doing a masters was regarded with the same suspicion and lack of enthusiasm for taking responsibility if anything, ever, went wrong. It seemed to go hand in hand with the dysfunction to me - their feelings of worry about being cheated are so out of proportion to the chances of something going wrong, particularly as they were all a lot better off than they had been as children when yes, one bad buying decision would have meant not having enough money for dinner by Thursday night.

Hang on I've gone right off the subject. One last one.
@dontknowdontknow you mentioned reading in Toxic Parents that NC could be a sign that you continue to be enmeshed with your parents. I think I found the bit in the book:
^There are basically two types of enmeshment. The first involves continually giving in to your parents in order to placate them. No matter what your own needs or desires, your parents' needs and desires always come first.
The second type involves doing just the opposite. You may be just as enmeshed if you scream at, threaten or become totally alienated from your parents. In this case, contradictory as it may seem, your parents still have enormous control over how you feel and behave. As long as you continue to react so strongly to them, you give them the power to upset you, which allows them to control you^

I don't think she's saying that NC is necessarily a case of you being enmeshed, but that you can be in a state where you are still enmeshed with your parents (essentially, feeling that their feelings are your responsibility and your identity and sense of yourself as a good person depend on their approval) even though you are not in contact. I don't think that's the same as taking a conscious decision to go NC after having worked your way through your own emotions and come to a settled decision. She says as much later in the book, in chapter 13.
The way I read it, she sees NC as one possible end result of a process that involves confronting one's parents and telling them what the effect of their upbringing has been. But the confrontation can be by letter, it doesn't have to be face to face. And she acknowledges that there are some people who it will be impossible to talk to in this way.

You might wonder why I am harping on this so much. My mother is a rage addict, and her line was always " if someone has a problem with me they should have it out with me face to face." There was this sort of implication that if your complaint was justified, you had to have the guts to "stand up to her", and that if you couldn't, that was a sign that you knew you were talking shite. She often would scream at me until I cried, and then get even angrier at me for trying to manipulate her emotions by crying. I totally internalised that idea that there was something wrong with me for reacting to her with fear, and that I deserved to be bullied, by her and others, because I didn't react to their violence with violence.

Well, I think that's all shite now: I don't think I have any obligation to be able to react in a certain way to angry, violent bullies, and I find that the best way of dealing with them is, where possible, to simply increase my physical distance from them until I cannot hear the shouting any more . Their feelings are their problem. And I would hate for anyone else to come away from Susan Forward's book thinking they owed their parents a damned thing in terms of ongoing relationship or explanations or confrontation. If you want to confront them, do it for your own satisfaction, take all of Susan's advice, and don't expect too much.

Just reading & this thread is really helpful. Don’t know how to share really...I feel like others here have had it much worse, but reading about your experiences is really helpful to not feel so alone. I’ve always felt like a constant disappointment & that I have to act a certain way around my mother to avoid judgemental comments, silent treatment & to be accepted for who I am. It’s made me be in some unhealthy relationships because have a craving to be loved for me & not what I do, wear, look etc....We are in close contact but it’s a strained relationship & there is so much tension & resentment just under the surface.

In the last year or so have started to reach out to other family members & create my own relationships with them, so she isn’t controlling the narrative all the time.

OK one last thing...

Can I just say how lovely it is to see so many kind and insightful posts over the weekend from those who are suffering themselves but still took the time to offer a comforting word to our newest joiners? That's one of the hidden treasures of this thread. We take but we give too. I've learned so much on here

Me too @singinglily, I bloody love this thread. We are all experts in this stuff.

I picked up a book the other day about forgiveness, and had a real stab of guilt and regret.

I then thought about how it’s possible to forgive people for what they’ve done, but it doesn’t mean they have to be part of your daily life anymore.

So this is my first post on here, I'd looked at this thread before and wondered what the title meant!! I have always known I'd been on the receiving end of some toxic mothering, but recently it's come back to me in a big way, and I'm not sure I'm ready to tell anyone in RL. My DP knows I don't find things easy with my mum but he doesn't realise how it makes me feel even now. As far back as I can remember my mum has Christianised me and made me feel not good enough, not clever enough, not delicate enough, too tall, not pretty enough. She has always made me feel I would t be able to do something well, but when I was at school if I got poor grades or report she would withhold love and threaten to stop me seeing the horse I shared with a friend. When I had my children my parents didn't visit until they were 6 weeks old, they live less than 2 hours away. And when I told her I was pregnant she said I was doing things all wrong as I wasn't married. It has always been like this. She physically has never hurt me, always clean clothes and nice dinners and allowed friends for tea when I was small, and freedom to go out with friends as I got older. When I went to uni, parents took me to this awful halls of residence, unpacked the car and just left me there. So many other things I could say but this is long enough. But I am a parent to a 12 year old girl now and the way I was treated I could never be to her, I adore her and tell her I love her every day. I really don't want to pass on this mess to her, but it shows in me as anxiety, slight depression, and in the past I have self harmed. I still think of doing this but I really don't want to upset my partner, and I know it would make him sad. Just wanted to come on here as Christmas is coming, need to visit my parents and the anxiety is getting higher. I have a friend at work I think I can trust, I want to tell her as she knows I'm not happy, but how and where to start? !

Bloody auto correct! Criticised, not Christianised!!

Also she would regularly make me stay in my room on my own as a punishment after school. No tea, nothing. I can remember crying and crying and crying and she would just ignore me. It sounds like very little compared to other people's stories, but I was terrified of her, and it was all psychological.

Hi, I am new to this thread and was told about it after posting my own thread on the relationships board (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3750687-Did-anyone-else-have-passive-parents)

I posted a few days ago and quite a few people said my parents were emotionally neglectful so it has been quite overwhelming trying to process that. I am 22 and still live at home and get on well with my parents so feel like I don't belong here as our relationship is not necessarily strained or anything but then I guess in the OP on this thread it stresses how inclusive this thread is.

I think I am just struggling with how my parents are so unemotional and seem passive towards me and I feel like I have never been able to go to them and still can't go to them for help about anything emotional. I have resented being their eldest child so much as I have always felt like I was made to feel "too old" for any kind of support. I remember being 3 years old and crying because I didn't want to go to nursery and my DM (who had a newborn at the time to be fair to her) telling me to stop crying as she was already stressed out with my baby sister. That seems to be a pattern throughout my childhood. When I was 11 I wasn't allowed to find the transition to secondary school difficult, I wasn't allowed to be upset about anything. My parents took no interest in things like what GCSE options I would choose, what universities I would apply to, etc. It is so painful watching my younger siblings growing up and realising that at those critical stages a child needs their parents' help and advice. 11 is still a child and yet I was made to feel like an adult who had to get on with it. Now I suppress everything and hide it away from them. At university I had really bad anxiety where I would have panic attacks in the middle of the night and I never told a single person.

Another thing I hate is if any of my siblings go to my DM with a problem she will pretty much always imply "oh once they get a boyfriend/girlfriend they will be better". She just does not want to do any of the parenting but pass it off to the future partner to deal with. I hate it and it is almost comical as my parents argue constantly. My DM can't wait to have grandchildren and I resent it as it as I feel like she wants a do-over of our childhood. She is so jealous of her friend whose daughter had an unplanned pregnancy at 19 and I think she resents that I haven't had a child yet when I am only 22.

Welcome slippermaiden

Many people write comments along the lines similar to what you have posted in your writings that what they went through was small potatoes compared to some others. But the response to this is what is written at the start of all Stately Homes threads;-

"Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth".

You really do NOT have to visit your parents at Christmas time nor any other time of the year for that matter. Your parents were not good people, let alone parents, to you as their child when you were growing up and now as an adult you are blundering about in your own fear, obligation and guilt (three of many damaging legacies these abusive people gave you and ones you are still stuck with). Women like your mother also cannot do relationships and always need a willing enabler to help them; in this case this was your dad. And where was he when all this was happening?.

Would you have tolerated any of this from a friend as well; likely not. Your parents are no different.

It is NOT your fault your parents are this disordered and you did not make them that way. Their own families likely treated them as abusively in their own childhoods and they decided to mete out that to you rather than seeking the necessary help. Your mother certainly made you the scapegoat for all her inherent ills.

You also have two qualities that your parents lack; empathy and insight and these have and will serve you well. It is indeed to your credit that your 12 year old is not treated by you like you were by your parents at that age.

You may want to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point and "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride.

I would urge you to keep posting here and find a therapist without any familial bias to work with. Your friend may be helpful but I would be careful with what you tell her exactly. This is because not everyone gets this at all particularly if they are lucky enough to come from an emotionally healthy family so she may well say something trite and meaningless like "well they could not help it", "they are old now" and or" you only have one mother".

Keep posting here too and write as much or little as you want. BACP are also good and do not charge the earth. What if any help are you receiving from the GP with regards to your anxiety and ongoing depression?.

(oh and I hate autocorrect as well!)

@AttilaTheMeerkat - I expect this has been mooted before, but has anyone ever asked MNHQ whether we might have our own forum area for this topic? The thread is really hard to keep up with. I'd love to respond to all sorts of posters and issues but if they were in separate threads in a sub-forum it would be so much easier. There is a lot more traffic here than in some areas which do have their own sub-forum.

@slippermaiden Hi and welcome. Your experience feels very similar to mine and others here. You are not alone and here people will understand what you are experiencing.

When I tried to tell people in real life I usually got "well you just need to talk to her". Without realising they were pushing the blame on me. But as @AttilaTheMeerkat says none of this is your fault.

Keep posting and reading. This is a horrid time of year but remember you are not obliged to do anything that makes you unhappy.

Hi @namechange2311 very glad you’ve found your way here. Hope you find the support you need to get a better understanding of what’s going on in your life. I’m incredibly in awe of how you conduct yourself with your family. I think you will find some ideas for making some changes for your own wellbeing.

Hello everyone. I've been on some of the old threads and your support and insights have been so helpful.

My parents are currently one week into a ONE MONTH stay with me. Yes, one whole month. I live overseas.

It's challenging me in so many ways. I'm treating it as a learning experience. Frequently having to leave them to whatever they are doing as they make me want to scream!

Sending strength to everyone who is facing challenging times.

Oh my goodness @soberfabulous please feel free to unload here. Have you got strategies in place?