Why would he be ok with a baby but not an engagement?

[Underthesun99]

Just that really. My bf and I have talked for a couple of years about getting engaged. I am frustrated and hurt because he has had lots of opportunities to propose but there always seems an excuse. He says it’s too expensive or not the right time. My bf kept saying once we get engaged we can try for a baby. But he won’t propose! However, we are now trying to conceive with no ring, no engagement or marriage.

My question is, I just don’t understand why my bf would be ok with us trying for a baby but not want to get engaged to me? Or at least be honest that he doesn’t find marriage important.

He wants to have the opportunity to walk away if the relationship falls apart, without having to part with any of his goods or money. Fuck that! Why are you trying for a baby with a man that has made it plain that he doesn’t want to commit to you?

Repeating what Totally said - why on earth are you trying for a baby with this man????? Please, read the relationships forum for an insight into what your life will be like 12 years down this line if you continue like this.

He doesn't want to marry you. Marriage comes with all sorts of legal and financial commitments that it doesn't sound like he wants to be involved in. He knows that if you are the mother of his child, but unmarried, then your only claim over him would be via a baby. You could not easily have claim over any capital, property, wages etc.

The question should be 'why are you trying for a baby with a man who does not want to marry you?'. You clearly resent him already because he hasn't proposed, so imagine that continues to brew alongside the endless nappies, and sleepless nights of his baby. You may want to hold off making a baby until you have figured out if you are willing to settle for a partnership and not a marriage. This is because he may never marry you. For some people, the answer would be yes because they want a baby anyway. For others, the answer could be that the baby is made to encourage the agenda of marriage to be moved along. The latter would be a very bad move doomed for disaster.

If the marriage is that important to you you need to have a serious conversation because if he can't afford a ring now he's not going to be able to afford one once baby comes.

Best advice is to end it but if you do have a baby, use your last name and not his.

If you want to get married, why are on earth are you trying for a baby with a man who obviously doesn't want to?

Stop ttc.

Echoing what others have said. Please don’t try for a baby with this man. He will walk away further down the line. He’s not interested in commitment to you which ultimately is a reflection on how likely he’s going to remain committed as a father.

Amazingly some men think a child is less of a tie/commitment than marriage - because they know they can walk away or at the very most, make you do all the hard work and sacrifice and not change their life much.

He can pay the minimum as well (or not pay if they're unemployed/independently wealthy and can hide the money/self employed and can cook the books etc.).

Dont continue TTC with him. He's not committed.

I do agree but he is happy to have a baby with me.

My question is why would my bf be happy to ttc but not want to get engaged?

My gripe is that he isn't being honest with me. I hate him making excuses. He took me away in Aug and I thought this is it but when it didn't happen and we spoke at length about me wanting a proposal and he makes jokes about it.
I'm trying to understand his thinking

Obviously they can walk away from marriage but you'll get a claim on property, pension etc etc.

Plus in their head, they're committed and it's a big deal to end it, extract themselves etc in a way that it's not to move out/end things when just living with a gf. Even if a child is involved. In their heads they remain not fully attached/committed.

Maybe he's saying what you want to hear which is wrong but he just doesn't want to get married as not everyone wants to get married

He wants to have the opportunity to walk away if the relationship falls apart, without having to part with any of his goods or money.

This is his thinking.
No way on earth would I be trying to concieve with this man.

Maybe he wants to be a dad but not a husband. He'd like a baby but isn't sure you'll last forever. Or maybe the idea of an actual wedding scares him.

Maybe he just genuinely doesn't want to propose.

Do you want a marriage, or a big wedding?

It’s one of two things. Either he doesn’t want to commit (and doesn’t see being a father as a real commitment). Or he wants to have power over you. If he’s actively encouraging you to become a SAHM it would be the latter.

Of course he's happy to have a baby with you. Lots of barrier-free baby-making sex and if he chose he can fuck off into the blue yonder and pay minimal amounts or nothing, if he doesn't like the reality.

The woman generally takes up the lion's share of child-rearing and most often the hit to her earning potential - are you planning on a career break, reduced hours or becoming a SAHM?

stop ttc now

Please, please, do not have a child with this man. If he is that committed, he would show it. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money to get married, but I think he knows it DOES cost a lot to get divorced, you will be left literally 'holding the baby' when he moves on and provides nothing for you or your child.

The facts are:
He is happy to have a baby as you are trying.
He doesn't want to be engaged to you because he hasn't proposed.
The question is: are you happy with this?
If no then either propose to him or stop trying for a baby.
I left a great guy when I was younger as he wouldn't commit. I knew what I wanted.

I don't want a big wedding, I'd be happy to just have a few witnesses and a meal afterwards. I've even said that an expensive ring would not appeal to me. I'm not shallow and not in to spending lots of money.

I know this is a red flag but I've only met his family once - they are dysfunctional but he doesn't want me to meet them at all even though we are ttc.

Posters have answered the question already... an engagement ring costs money he is unwilling to spend, he can walk away from you unmarried. Basically YOU can have a baby and nothing has to change for him. You have to decide if this is your line in the sand op

If he is not willing to make the commitment of marriage (n.b. Marriage, not engagement), he is not sufficiently committed to become a parent. It would be irresponsible of both of you to bring a child into a situation where one parent is unwilling even to commit to try to create a stable environment

@Underthesun99 why don't you tell him you want to be married for the sake of any future children? That you don't care about the romance of a proposal or wedding, but that you need the security as a family.

don't want a big wedding, I'd be happy to just have a few witnesses and a meal afterwards. I've even said that an expensive ring would not appeal to me. I'm not shallow and not in to spending lots of money.

What does he say when you say all this?

The fact that he doesn’t want you to meet his family and also doesn’t want to marry you really doesn't really bode well for the future.

I would be using contraception unless you are independently financially secure!

However, we are now trying to conceive with no ring, no engagement or marriage.

Read any thread on here and you will see that this is a bad, bad idea.

GiveHerHellFromUs yes I've had this chat. He has said it will happen ...at first he didn't want to propose because of his ex, then it's too expensive then not the right time.

He knew I wanted to have a baby because I am not getting any younger. So I suppose I've just taken matters in to my own hands. I wish you would say he doesn't want a child if thats the case.