Why would he be ok with a baby but not an engagement?

[Underthesun99]

Just that really. My bf and I have talked for a couple of years about getting engaged. I am frustrated and hurt because he has had lots of opportunities to propose but there always seems an excuse. He says it’s too expensive or not the right time. My bf kept saying once we get engaged we can try for a baby. But he won’t propose! However, we are now trying to conceive with no ring, no engagement or marriage.

My question is, I just don’t understand why my bf would be ok with us trying for a baby but not want to get engaged to me? Or at least be honest that he doesn’t find marriage important.

Hate to be the odd one out but me and my partner have been together for almost ten years, we have two children and one on the way, I waited and waited for a proposal 😂 I eventually stopped thinking about it because I was hurting myself dreaming of a weeding I thought I'd never have! A year after the birth of my second son, my partner took me to Cyprus and proposed to me. Took me completely by surprise.
We are still not married as I've fallen pregnant, (a happy accident) but our date is set to marry four months after our baby is born. Not everything has to be traditional or the 'right way' but I do think you need to have a conversation with him to discuss his future plans, make it clear marriage is important to you and see if it is to him too.
He might just be waiting till you are financially secure or maybe he's like my partner! My partner wanted to get married with our children there :)

It's not all doom and gloom

Red flag?? I dunno what the big deal is.. maybe he just doesn't want to get married. I don't, my partner doesn't and we are happy with a nearly 2 year old. You don't need 'marriage' as proof someone is committed to you. Personally I think marriage is so overrated, it's not even taken seriously these days.

nurserymummyx

me and my partner have been together 7 years and aren't married yet, getting married next year. Its fine and always has been.

The difference is that, me and DP jointly own our house, jointly pay the mortgage and bills, jointly pay for childcare.

Neither of us is as financially vulnerable as the OP, basically because he owns their house and she doesn't.

I think people are a little frustrated because you've named some red flags and acknowledged them for what they are, and you've stated you want marriage but are going ahead with TTC despite it being clear that he's not on the same page as you. You've even said going ahead with TTC is more about what you want than him.

He doesn't want to marry you because yes, that's a bigger financial commitment than having a child. Yes you earn your own money, but will you both share the parental leave, and then both reduce your hours and earning potential to take care of that child?

Ask him how many months he plans to take off, and if he's going 80 or 60% part time after the baby is born.

Umpteen threads on here from women who have been shafted by having children but not being married.
He is forty! If he doesn’t want to marry you now he never will. Please don’t have a baby with this man, why would you want a man in your life forever who would happily get you pregnant but not marry you ?

I have two children with my OH - exactly same age and gap as you are now when we first met.
He's not the marrying type.
It doesn't bother me at all and we are 20 years down the line.
My only word of advice is make sure you get your finances in order

Personally I think marriage is so overrated, it's not even taken seriously these days.

It certainly is. Ita a legal contract.

Personally I think marriage is so overrated, it's not even taken seriously these days

Courts will take it quite seriously in case of divorce.

People aren't angry with you OP, they're worried about you based on what you've posted about your circumstances.

The relationship boards here are full of women who have been left in the lurch by men who didn't want to commit.

I don't believe you need to be married to have a baby, but, if you're not, it can leave you in a vulnerable position should the relationship not work out.

If you're not married and your name is not on the mortgage then you need to know that you can house, feed, and clothe yourself and a child on your own income in a worse case scenario. I'd ask him about going on the mortgage before having a baby together - his response will tell you everything you need to know.

We are a tad aggressive, OP because your partner makes all the excuses under the sun not wanting to marry you but you think it's ok to have a baby with him. There is nothing right about this situation at all.
Also, what's his ex got to do with you guys getting married? Was he married before?
How long have you been together?

You're paying his mortgage for him as well? Sorry but you're being a massive doormat to this guy. Read, actually read posters replies. He doesn't want to commit to you, he's happy for your career to take a hit (mat leave, going part time after baby is born, limited chances for promotion as many bosses still don't take mothers seriously) and put your body through pregnancy and all the effects they have including childbirth which carries massive risks to the mother and is happy for you to feather his nest paying for his mortgage and he doesn't have to lift a finger for all this from you! He really landed on his feet with you.

Please don't tell me you also do all/the majority of the cooking, clean his house and wash his pants as well? 🙄

Hi @Underthesun99 - I don't think people are angry with you, I think they're frustrated and worried about you because you're in a very vulnerable position . . . and I think you know that already, which is why it hurts to see it in black and white.

Because when a marriage fails, the person in the better position suffers.

The principle and the sheer enormity of what a marriage contract stands for should definitely be taught in schools.

What’s mine is yours, is such a massive decision.

Also, it's like people are saying once you're married you cannot leave people walk away from marriages too lol

I think some people are missing the point about the not being married thing. I only pointed it out as a PP that some people have children without being married.

The fact that people don't have to be married to have children is irrelevant.

The issue is OP WANTS to be married and he won't marry her.

Stop TTC!!! Why would you bring a baby into this?

He seems marriage as more of a financial commitment than a baby, clearly. He has his house and he doesnt want you to have any claim on it by the sounds of it. If you aren't on the deeds I'm surprised you've agreed to pay towards the mortgage. Without a legal agreement over ownership then he can chuck you out at any time and you're homeless.
Honestly OP if you have a baby without getting married or at least ensuring you own half the house, you are in such a vulnerable position. Having a baby puts such enormous strain on anyone. Yes you earn similar. But what if you split up after and he refuses to have anything to do with you or the baby. Can you easily afford to pay childcare on your own? Will your job work around dropping off at nursery after 8am and picking up before 6pm and taking sick days when your baby catches bugs without any impact on your earning ability? Will you want to go part time? Will you be able to do all that while paying for maternity leave, baby stuff and a deposit or rent of your own? People are not trying to be nasty it's just there are threads on here that go 'my partner is having an affair/ has become abusive / has chucked me out. We earned the same but then when I was on maternity leave he paid towards the mortgage and i used savings for maternity leave so i have no savings. The house is in his name only. He encouraged me to leave my job as he got a promotion and earned enough for both of us and I was planning to go back to work when the baby is in school. Now I am on my own with no home and no money and finding a job will be very difficult because he is refusing to help pay for childcare'. These posters usually end up back living with their parents and starting from scratch. Obviously it would still be a shit situation if they were married but at least they know that its easier to start again once you've received your share of the money from the house and the divorce settlement etc.
If he wont get married I'd at least get my name on the house and talk about how you're going to fund maternity leave and split childcare costs etc and also make sure you go back to work and not too part time so you will be protected if you split

Yes I think its possible to want a baby but not trust your partner enough to want them to have half your assets

Please please think about this. Everyday there are posters on here who are in difficult situations because men have walked away from them, unmarried, they have given up work to look after children and then left with nothing. It's a means of him controlling his assets, they come up with any excise under the sun but this is what it comes down to.

They drum out the "it's just a piece of paper"

So is a mortgage, so is a will.

I can see why a certain kind of man would think having a baby is less of a commitment.

Baby: You can leave the mother to do most of the work and society thinks nothing of it. You can have no impact on your career because women are still largely expected to be the ones taking leave. If you split up then the women tend to have the children 90% of the week. You might have to pay a bit of maintenance but meh, it's easy to get out of.

Marriage: shit, she now has a legal claim on all my money and property and if we break up I will have to pay out for a divorce and lose what I've earned. Bollocks to that.

Obviously this is not every man and I am massively generalising but can you see why he would prefer not to marry you?

people walk away from marriages too lol

At least if she’s married she’s entitled to part of the home that SHE’S helped pay for! If she gives up her job to look after THEIR baby he can’t leave her with fuck all and homeless.

Also, it's like people are saying once you're married you cannot leave people walk away from marriages too lol

no, nobody is saying that at all. Of course you can walk out of a marriage, it wont make your relationship last longer.

What you cant do is walk out of a marriage and leave the other person high and dry, which you can do when you're not married.

We're not a bunch of old romantics, its about protecting yourself financially.

How long have you been ttc?
I wouldn't rule out the reason he doesn't want you to meet his family is that they know he had a vasectomy in a previous relationship....

Just walk away. He's taking you for a mug

Do not have a baby out of marriage. The law does not protect you (unless the father is wealthy - but even then you are protected far less than if you were married). I'm a family lawyer so speak from legal experience.

Op, you are putting yourself and any future child at risk of poverty and homelessness.

You have a baby, and he goes elsewhere for his hassle-free fun and then asks you to leave. Could you survive if you have to pay rent AND full time child care AND a deposit? For the next 18 years?

And what happens when you get made redundant for having a baby like 10% of women? Do you have the savings to fight a legal case as well? On your own?

While he marries someone else within the year and can’t spare the time to share the care of his child?

All of these things happen regularly to people who fall willingly into this situation. My ex sees his son for 8 hours a week. Does maybe 35 nights a year. Complained about the 5p increase in the price of school dinners.

Please, for your own good, think first!