Why would he be ok with a baby but not an engagement?

[Underthesun99]

Just that really. My bf and I have talked for a couple of years about getting engaged. I am frustrated and hurt because he has had lots of opportunities to propose but there always seems an excuse. He says it’s too expensive or not the right time. My bf kept saying once we get engaged we can try for a baby. But he won’t propose! However, we are now trying to conceive with no ring, no engagement or marriage.

My question is, I just don’t understand why my bf would be ok with us trying for a baby but not want to get engaged to me? Or at least be honest that he doesn’t find marriage important.

He’s going along with ttc because you’re paying off HIS mortgage. He doesn’t want to rock that boat. If he married you HIS house you’re paying for would be half yours. If he kicks you and any child you have with him out of HIS house legally you wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

He doesn’t want to commit to you.

Complete nonsense! Is it really not clear that he will not be with you? Does he leave his own ways for retreat?

Marriage is a serious commitment, and a legal contract. 'Trying' for a baby is free, no-strings-attached, fun.

No ring (wedding), no baby.

But then I'm old and old-fashioned. I just hate to see young women screwed over because they have stars in their eyes.

In terms of finances, marriage IS more of a commitment that a baby.

If you are not married and you split up, he will have to pay a small amount of his salary to help support the baby.

If you are married and split up, you will take at least half of the joint assets, including the house that he views as his.

Simple. What does he have to gain from being married?

If he cant commit, then no baby

He is entitled to want a child but not a wife if he so wants!

Of course he is, just as soon as he can carry one in his own body and go through childbirth.

Nooooooooo! Because WHEN the relationship breaks down do you understand what will happen? You get left to raise his child, entirely on your own for the next —12—15— 18 years with maybe him dropping in when he feels like it or the odd token birthday present. Whilst you get lumbered with 100% of the responsibilities AND all of the costs in time, money and energy.

If he’s not willing to get engaged then he doesn’t think you’re The One.

Have you asked him?

The prevailing view on here that you need to be married to have kids is quite socially conservative. Not wanting to get married doesn't make you a bad or devious person. There are ways to get financial security without getting married.

As PP have pointed out, he is the asset rich partner and therefore stands to lose more if your marriage fails. Perhaps that is causing him pause for thought.

He's ok with it because he has all the power. He owns the property, nice of you to pay off his mortgage, good luck trying to claim anything if you split up. Don't have a baby with him

I'd just like to say I have a child and I'm not married so I don't think it's a case of all or nothing, but I'm not desperate to get engaged and am financially independent.

He says it’s too expensive or not the right time.

Children aren’t cheap.

I hope you plan to continue working after you’ve had the baby OP? Please, please don’t become a SAHM (or go part time or put your career on hold in any other way) unless you’re married.

OP

To add to what I have said. If you cannot provide financial security in your current situation the you should not be having a baby. Viewing marriage as a transactional way to tie a man down to providing you with financial security is not the way to start off a major life relationship.

Have his baby and you will soon find yourself out on your arise with nothing but a baby to feed. No home, no money, no support from him.

He's 40, he knows exactly what he's doing. He wants to hold all the power so he can dump you and kick you out any time he wants.

Don't be fool enough to have a child with him.

Don’t TTC, I had 4 kids with my ex, no marriage and he’s just upped and left without a second thought of the kids, he doesn’t see them. But a marriage would mean I’d be entitled to some things, which is a huge commitment for men. Marriage is much more of a commitment than having a child in regard to finances.

I think people are making OP's bf out to be more sinister than he probably is.

Lots of men have experience of divorce and relationship breakdown and without thinking it through, somehow think you can avoid things ever getting messy if you don't get married.

OP I'd sit down and go through the emotional meaning of marriage for you, and the financial and legal implications (right of attorney, inheritance, pension/asset rights etc). Then decide with open eyes whether you both want it. Then with open eyes decide if you want TTC based on that.

If he wants to have a baby without being married, ask what he imagines would happen in the event of breaking up or one of you dying. Make legal provision for it by transferring assets etc.

Marriage is only really useful as a protection in the event of relationship breakdown or death in my book! Romantic, I know.

Wake up and stop being such a mug OP

This comparison of rights might be helpful

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Please please - I understand we sound horrible, I understand this isn’t what you hoped to hear. Men WALK. They leave their families. They start new ones. They don’t provide money (or anything near enough) for the family life you dream of. In the majority of cases it’s the poor mug who believed all the sweet talk and promises winds up alone, caring for the kid/s. I’ve heard many many women who hoped s baby would commit him to her and in reality he’s just doing it because it keeps her ‘happy’ for now.
If he’s not comfortable committing now to YOU through thick and thin and everything ever after - please think again.

Marriage is only really useful as a protection in the event of relationship breakdown or death in my book!

Well, yes, exactly. The last thing you need if your partner drops dead of a heart attack at 42 or is killed in a car-crash is to find you have no rights or claim to the home you live in etc.

He is using you. Every month you pay his mortgage is a month you are not saving for your own.

Ask him for an equal partnership to go along with the baby....equity in the house to reflect the increase in equity while you have been there, then ongoing.... share of bills reflecting your incomes, money from his salary to you each month to make up for the drop in yours on mat leave so you both take an equal hit, life insurance to replicate the benefits of marriage and a will in your favour.

You will see whether he has your interest at heart or his. I suspect his true love is him.

Hopoindown31 but I am financially stable

To everyone getting angry at me I don't know why this is?! I came on here to get some perspective and get some opinions. Simply because I haven't said i'm dumping him this second doesn't mean I am not listening. I do find some of the post aggressive and unnecessary.
Please don't be angry at me.

Thank you to everyone who has posted constructive opinions

OP, he doesn't want to marry you.

So I wouldn't bother trying to make him because it wont work. What I WOULD do if you want to stay with him (though I personally wouldn't) is to get your name on the mortgage so that if anything does happen, half that house and its equity is yours. I would also be half tempted to see a solicitor and see if its possible to get something drawn up which almost mirrors what you would get out of a marriage legally, so that if you do split you wont get fucked over. If he doesn't agree to either of those thing, then you know why he wont marry you and its because he doesn't want you to have any claim on "his" house or "his" money.

oh and op don't become a SAHM or take an extended maternity leave or go PT - make sure after your baby if you go ahead with it, to go back to work FT.

You are financially stable?

You on your own?

Whose house is the name in?
Whats the plan for you returning to work? If not full time what's the plan for finances, pension etc?

If you split would fulltime work be available to you?

What has he agreed to in relation to this.

If you answer these honestly, it might shed some light on his reasons.