Why would he be ok with a baby but not an engagement?

[Underthesun99]

Just that really. My bf and I have talked for a couple of years about getting engaged. I am frustrated and hurt because he has had lots of opportunities to propose but there always seems an excuse. He says it’s too expensive or not the right time. My bf kept saying once we get engaged we can try for a baby. But he won’t propose! However, we are now trying to conceive with no ring, no engagement or marriage.

My question is, I just don’t understand why my bf would be ok with us trying for a baby but not want to get engaged to me? Or at least be honest that he doesn’t find marriage important.

Why are you helping him pay his mortgage - let alone trying for a baby with him - it's bizarre!

Look at it this way OP, your helping to secure his future by paying off his mortgage.

Why won't he do the same for you and offer you the same security?

OP, my husband wasn’t bothered about getting married; he didn’t seem to want to and avoided talking about it.

We started TTC when I was 31, thankfully, as we needed IVF in the end. Our child is now 3 and I’m 37. It can take a long time. We will now only have the one.

He suggested getting married when our daughter was seven months old. No “proposal”, but you just don’t need that, especially when you’ve been waiting a long time for him to actually want to get married (we’d been together 11 years at this point).

We got married a few months later. It was simple, with no guests. And he really enjoyed the day, and looks back on it very fondly.

Maybe your DP is worried about what the actual wedding might entail than the marriage itself?

I’m trying to say, that not every man is thinking what the other posters are saying. Do they think like every other woman on the planet? Do you?

Make up your own mind about him. But don’t write him off, not just yet.

If you really want a baby, as I did, it’s worth the risk of not marrying the father if you are prepared, and capable, of supporting yourselves if it all goes wrong.

I don't think he WANTS to have a baby. OP says he seems to be 'not against it' and that she's taking the things in her own hands. I believe this means she has stopped contraception but hasn't stopped having sex? Does not sound like he is eager to be a father, rather going along with it for an easy life, knowing he can walk away at any time and have nothing to do with the child. There are hundreds of threads on MN describing how easy it is to pay no maintenance, so he doesn't even have to worry about the financial side.

I’d advise against TTc with this man. My DP and i had a baby without marriage - we were pushed for time it was last go at ivf but we had talked generally about marriage one day. i’d assumed we’d get married in the future. When we moved in together it wasnt that important to me. (We’ve both been married before) but as ive got older its more important and he’s dropped the bombshell that he NEVER wants to marry....

You are paying his mortgage and he is guaranteed sex. No need for him to change a thing.

OP. Are you in a position to bring a child up on your own financially?

Because this is a very real scenario that could happen. He could walk away and just pay child maintenance.

If you can do this on your own (I did) then that's fine but please think about the very real and possible outcomes.

I was fortunate enough to have a very good career that meant I could buy my own house and afford childcare. But being a single mum is tough.

As a man, I must say this is the most toxic thread I've ever seen. Full of horrible advice, from what are clearly women who have their own relationship issues.

For anyone reading this, DO NOT LISTEN to their advice. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.

Single women, keep women single!

I would argue if YOU don't know why he hasn't asked yet, then YOU aren't ready for it. It's bugging you, and rather than discuss a personal relationship issue with him, you turn to random women on the internet? Does that really sound like marriage material, ladies? No, it doesn't.

Take some accountability, you are half of your relationship!

There are many valid reasons why a man may not wish to marry, or perhaps is hesitant. I'm sure if it was a woman saying they weren't ready, you'd all find it acceptable and provide a list of excuses.

There's likely something he wishes to see from you, which he hasn't yet. Some ongoing issue that he wants to see the pair of you handle better. Or something from his past that he hasn't opened up to you about... perhaps because you're on here, instead of talking to him!

For me personally, any time we argue over the smallest thing (think t-shirt not in the laundry level small)... she completely breaks the relationship down. Saying I'm no-longer our kids dad (he hears it), kicking me out the house, that we aren't family anymore. Then apologises DAYS later. This is obviously a huge red flag. But I love her, love the kids, and WOULD LIKE TO GET MARRIED. Just not whilst things are like that.

this thread is from 2019, pretty sure OP has sorted something out by now.

Posted because there are still women online reading it...