Why would he be ok with a baby but not an engagement?

[Underthesun99]

Just that really. My bf and I have talked for a couple of years about getting engaged. I am frustrated and hurt because he has had lots of opportunities to propose but there always seems an excuse. He says it’s too expensive or not the right time. My bf kept saying once we get engaged we can try for a baby. But he won’t propose! However, we are now trying to conceive with no ring, no engagement or marriage.

My question is, I just don’t understand why my bf would be ok with us trying for a baby but not want to get engaged to me? Or at least be honest that he doesn’t find marriage important.

He doesn’t want to be your husband.

You sound very young and naive. Seriously stop what you're doing, you're not trying to make a cake you're trying to make a baby! Also, being engaged means nothing until you're actually married he can back out and clear off anytime leaving you penniless.

He doesn't want the commitment of marriage. Having a baby and being engaged are easy enough to walk away from, if he changes his mind (my ex left when we were engaged after eight years together and a planned pregnancy, never paid maintenance or had contact with DD). Marriage is a legally binding commitment that gives both parties rights over assets etc.

I don't want a big wedding, I'd be happy to just have a few witnesses and a meal afterwards.

Oh OP

He doesn't want to marry you. He wants a child. But he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you. Stop TTC!

No, sorry but I'm old fashioned and think babies should come after marriage.
Just my opinion though.

Yeah he's definitely taking the piss and leaving the door open so it's easy for him to walk away. Please don't have a baby with him.

Don't get pregnant with this man. Unless you want to be a single parent. Men who want to get married don't make excuses.

Are you financially secure yourself OP?

If you get pregnant, decide to be a SAHM for a bit and then he decides to fuck off and leave you will have nothing. Do you understand the precarious situation you are putting yourself in by having a child when you aren't married?

It shows he is not committed to you. He can easily walk away from you and any children you have in the future.

There will be nothing good for you to come of this. Leave now and dont listen to any BS he spills out to get you to stay. He dosnt want to be tied via marriage to you, with a baby he can walk away and start again with someone else so easily no divorce. Youl then have your child part time and face a future of co parenting which can be very difficult.

Do NOT have a baby with this man.
Not until you are married anyway.
Stop TTC.
He doesn't want to commit to you properly.
He doesn't want you to have a share of what he considers to be his if you separate.
You will have no legal rights to anything if you are not married.
Stop. Really look at his actions.
No marriage. No baby. It's that simple.
How old are you?

So OP if you proceed with your current line of action, ttc without the marriage, you can look forward to taking a hit on your career with maternity leave, reducing your hours to cover childcare so losing out on your pension in the future, him deciding he is not really into this and walking away risking your living situation and facing being made homeless, him unexpectedly dropping dead without a will and anything he has in life going to his family and not you (you, as his partner, will be expected to pay to give him a good send off though) and also you will be the one taking all the physical risks of pregnancy, as well as the mental health risks (like PND) and all that for a man who makes excuses for not being married to you, as he could just not be bothered.

Bet you do all the housework, cleaning, cooking now too. We will see you back here in a year or two when he decides that actually being a dad is too tough and that new girl in accounts is giving him the eye and she is much more fun and has no baggage like kids.

So men really see marriage as more of a commitment than having a baby with their partner?
I wish he would be clear with me. but he seems enthusiastic and not against having a baby with me.

I am 32 and he is 40.

&Underthesun99....are you even reading these replies? Your updates suggest not. He doesn’t want to marry you because he doesn’t want to be tied to you. A baby is different (in his eyes) because he will get access (when it suits him), he won’t pay for baby (he will do everything to prove he can’t afford) and he will get a shiny new woman who won’t pressure him into getting married (but she will get pregnant as well). Please please give your head a wobble and walk away. Otherwise I look forward to your posts on here in about a year where he is a shit dad, off with OW, not seeing/paying for his kid etc. Don’t be that woman

I think do have a babg if you really want one (you say you're not getting any younger!) as long as you are prepared (as any mother should be, given that even in marriage 1 in 2 end in divorce) for single motherhood as a possibility.

@Underthesun99 I mean this kindly but you really need to take your head out of the sand.

He is not committed to you. He is happy ttc to keep you happy, because then you stay. But you are walking blindly into a very vulnerable situation; having a baby but with no security in terms of finances.

How will he support you when you are on maternity leave? What if he just walks away and leaves you and baby with nothing?

Because if you're not married, he can. And sorry, but when the realities of sleepless nights, relentless nappy changes and a screaming baby hit him, he probably will.

Stop ttc.

So men really see marriage as more of a commitment than having a baby with their partner?
I wish he would be clear with me. but he seems enthusiastic and not against having a baby with me.

YES!!! Because they won’t fulfil their parenting commitments! Seriously OP - get a grip.

Also - he IS being clear. You just don’t want to listen.

HE WANTS A CHILD BUT NOT A WIFE.

Guys, for all you know, OP could earn more than her partner and have her own assets! Lots of assumptions being made about him wanting to protect his assets. He may not have assets!

I am reading replies, I am taking it in. I don't need women turning on me and getting aggressive with me though.

He is entitled to want a child but not a wife if he so wants!

gypsywater thank you. I earn the same amount as my bf and have far more savings. However he has a house and I am helping him pay the mortgage....yes I know not good.

"So men really see marriage as more of a commitment than having a baby with their partner?"

Your man you're currently shackled to does but not all men think like this. Some men do not see children as a commitment at all (and he is certainly not committed to you) and having a child by this individual makes this scenario of you being left with child far more likely for you as well. Why do you want to bring a child into this relationship anyway?

You're 32; do you think he is your last chance at having a child?. You're likely wrong there too; the problem here is that you are with Mr Wrong.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. That is a question you should seriously consider.

Why is your relationship bar so very low here?. You will further become the architect of your own misery if you are frankly stupid enough to have a child by this individual.

Why don't you ask him to marry you?

@gypsywater.... you can be damn sure he wont have any when she pursues him for child maintenance - even if he is earning £££££