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Original poster

Why would he be ok with a baby but not an engagement?

210 replies

Underthesun99 · 22/11/2019 10:19

Just that really. My bf and I have talked for a couple of years about getting engaged. I am frustrated and hurt because he has had lots of opportunities to propose but there always seems an excuse. He says it’s too expensive or not the right time. My bf kept saying once we get engaged we can try for a baby. But he won’t propose! However, we are now trying to conceive with no ring, no engagement or marriage.

My question is, I just don’t understand why my bf would be ok with us trying for a baby but not want to get engaged to me? Or at least be honest that he doesn’t find marriage important.

OP posts:
Pottedtree · 22/11/2019 15:58

Oh OP. The older wiser women are trying to save you here. This has bad news written ALL over it. He's using you. You really DO need to meet the family and fine out why he's hiding them or hiding what they know about him.

Have you discussed finances post-baby? How long will you take off after he/she is born? What if the baby has disabilities and you can't work. Would he be willing to support you?

Please don't have a baby in a house you don't own with a man who won't marry you. If you can't think of yourself, think of your child. Have a child with a man who wants to commit to you. Give you child a real chance.

DBML · 22/11/2019 15:59
  1. Stop trying for a baby
  2. Stop paying towards his mortgage
  3. Explain that you’re stopping as he could simply leave you with nothing as you’re not married
abitwhiffy · 22/11/2019 16:03

....and when he gets fed up and makes you homeless you won't be able to get benefits if you've got too much in savings and you'll have to spend all your savings just to survive.

I can't believe you're also paying his mortgage. Bet he's laughing all the way to the bank.

You're making very big mistakes here OP.

PaterPower · 22/11/2019 16:11

From his perspective, what’s there to gain by marriage?

Maybe a reduced risk that you’ll not add him to the birth certificate and therefore make it more difficult to see his DC; a pitiful tax advantage; slightly less hassle with your estate if you died intestate.

Otherwise all he’s doing is exposing himself to risk - half, or maybe more, of his property, the possibility of spousal support if you divorced and the costs of the divorce itself (not to mention wedding costs).

And he could STILL, after a marriage and divorce, have a battle on his hands for access if you made it difficult, so not much of an advantage there either.

pallisers · 22/11/2019 16:12

My question is why would my bf be happy to ttc but not want to get engaged?

Because marriage is a legal commitment and he knows it. but he doesn't see a baby as much of a commitment at all - just something to shut you up and something he can leave with you if he wants to head off - as he will.

You would be mad to have a baby with him. And stop paying his mortgage for god's sake.

ChuckleBuckles · 22/11/2019 16:13

Will a piece of paper change anything in your day to day life?

I see this argument a lot, marriage is "just a piece of paper" well so is a home insurance policy when everything is going well, but it is vitally important when you house burns to the ground and nothing is left. The best you can do in this life, when all is going well, is put things in place to protect yourself when the shit hits the fan. OP think long and hard about what you want, and how you are going to protect that against worse case scenario.

Drizzzle · 22/11/2019 16:16

Could you propose to him?

Ronnie27 · 22/11/2019 16:20

You’re 32 with no house and no husband and he is wasting even more of your time. Make sure you have security before you have a baby as it’ll be so much harder afterwards.

Beau2019 · 22/11/2019 16:29

@Bollykecks *And ps. Absent fathers that don't pay will eventually just accrue an extremely large child maintenance debt that they will eventually have to pay

nope. It just gets written off in the end. My dad owes my mum thousands from 20 years ago, she wont ever see a penny of it.*

Not true. Exact same situation with my dad from over 20 years ago. Ended up with a 56k liability against his name that COULD have sent him bankrupt had my mum not accepted a final settlement figure.

MelissaCortezsPastry · 22/11/2019 16:36

There was a thread on here a while back with a woman who had an 8 week old baby (or something like that) unmarried, and her partner decided he wanted her out of the house. It was his house. She didn't know where to turn. She had no legal right to stay in his house, she was on maternity leave and her pay was massively reduced and renting anywhere was near on impossible.

I can't even remember what happened but the risks for you OP aren't just that you are unmarried, you are not on the mortgage either. You are not protecting yourself and any children that come into this.

Plenty of men walk away from their children, you see it on here all the time and in real life.

As mentioned above by PP, on your salary could you afford £1000 in childcare, plus living expenses along with any child maintenance payments you may, or may not, receive? Let's hope it's not twins.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/11/2019 16:39

Why would you even be trying to have a baby with a partner that won’t commit?

If you were my daughter I’d be telling you to leave and get yourself your own home and stability before even contemplating a child.

springydaff · 22/11/2019 16:43

It really is what it looks like op: he doesn't want to marry you and is fobbing you off.

He's 40 and wants to be a father. Doesn't really care with whom.

I can understand posters getting frustrated. You asked the question in your op, posters answered very clearly; then you said yes but... and you repeated the question that had been conclusively answered in the first few posts.

It's hard to face but there it is ☹️

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/11/2019 16:46

Not true. Exact same situation with my dad from over 20 years ago. Ended up with a 56k liability against his name that COULD have sent him bankrupt had my mum not accepted a final settlement figure

yes, but some people will never get the money back, so assuring someone they will is foolish. its not guarenteed

AngelsSins · 22/11/2019 16:50

For fuck sake woman, give your head a shake, you are behaving like a fool. I don’t mean to be nasty but for god sake, you’re not a stupid teenager.

Having a baby means you taking all the risks, the risks with your health, your career, your freedom, your money. Getting married means he has to take on some risk, and to him, you’re not worth it. Not only that, but your helping him pay a mortgage on a house that he could kick you out of tonight if he wanted. Why? Do you not value yourself at all?

Hanab · 22/11/2019 16:58

Do not have a baby When everything is up in the air please!

AngelsSins · 22/11/2019 17:00

Red flag?? I dunno what the big deal is.. maybe he just doesn't want to get married. I don't, my partner doesn't and we are happy with a nearly 2 year old. You don't need 'marriage' as proof someone is committed to you. Personally I think marriage is so overrated, it's not even taken seriously these days

You don’t know what the big deal is? Well then maybe you should educate yourself. Read some threads about unmarried women with kids who have been shafted by their partners, look up the difference in rights for married and unmarried people. Educate yourself before you dismiss very wise advice as old fashioned.

AngelsSins · 22/11/2019 17:04

And ps. Absent fathers that don't pay will eventually just accrue an extremely large child maintenance debt that they will eventually have to pay

Oh really?! Care to explain the 4 BILLION owed in this country in unpaid child support then?

dreichwinter · 22/11/2019 18:29

I don't think people are angry OP, just straight talking.

  • There are 3 options to give you housing security:
  1. Get married (that's married, not engaged)
  2. Put your name on the house deeds and mortgage
  3. Move out and buy or rent your own place*

I wouldn't be thinking of ttc until one of these three was sorted out.

If he isn't willing to help provide his future child with financial stability what else is he not going to step up and do when the time comes.

WildfirePonie · 22/11/2019 19:15

OP, why don't you put your money towards your own house and mortgage? At least you'll have security that way. You could even rent out the property whilst living with your DP. He doesn't have to know either.

Angelrocket · 22/11/2019 19:33

I'm further down the line with you on this @Underthesun99.

My DP proposed, and we got engaged and started TTC. 2 small children and 7 years of relationship later, he is delaying actually getting married.

If I was in your shoes I would walk away now, before you become fully immersed in supporting his life, at the detriment of yours, without him offering you the commitment you want via marriage.

ToBreatheAgain · 22/11/2019 19:38

If you're determined to stay and have a baby with a man that won't commit could you turn your savings into a house deposit and buy and rent out the house? And pay into that mortgage, only contribute to bills (excepting home insurance) and food at DPs house. That would at least give you and any DC a roof over your heads if things end. Don't put any more money into building his assets unless you get married. And not till after the ceremony not before.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 22/11/2019 19:41

There is anger from posters on this thread OP but its not towards you it's towards him.

There seems to be a growing army of men in this country who want to set themselves up domestically with someone to have sex with and keep house and kids for them whilst the man gets to carry on as normal. And it's always this type of man who is unfaithful, and why not, he's got absolutely nothing to lose if he is - I mean it's not like you're going to divorce him for it and talk half the asssets is it.

dontalltalkatonce · 22/11/2019 20:09

It'd depressing how many women willingly walk right into setting up house with some guy because they're desperate to have a child, then are amazed when he doesn't propose/commit/mention marriage, etc. The absolute worst you can do is to have a child with this man and then quit your job or go PT so that 'DP' can just carry on as usual - it's literally signing yourself up for penury when the relationship breaks down because 'DP' doesn't love me anymore/found someone else/blah blah.

Engagement is also totally meaningless. A lot of men use it, however, to string the woman along. SIL was 'engaged' for about 20 years. Never married.

Sunflower20 · 22/11/2019 20:18

I think you should at least stop the mortgage payments. Why would you pay someone else's mortgage?

LightDrizzle · 22/11/2019 20:21

He's just not that into you and is coming up with excuses because his life is currently nicer with you than without you. Fatherhood is a different thing that he can dip in and out of knowing you will do the hard yards, and it won't prevent him having other relationships and options.

Setting aside lots of anecdotal evidence, in the two cases I've known personally where the man dragged his feet in a very, very, similar way - the same "reasons", the relationship eventually broke down, and to my friends' absolute devastation, their ex boyfriends soon met, and swiftly married their next girlfriend.