Lying so I’m not angry at him

[Worrywart21]

My Dp continually bare faced lies to me when he thinks I don’t know the truth and to save himself from dealing with me being angry.

He can be quite convincing and unless I have evidence I would believe him 100%.

We have been over this a million times yet he still continues.

This morning he has done it again. He’s abroad working and went out last night. I know for a fact he stayed out all night. When I called him at 8am he pretended quite convincingly that I had woken him up when in fact he was just in from his night out.

I do not trust a word he says. I’m sure he wouldn’t cheat but now can not be that sure. I’m conflicted. In a way I understand why he lies as he knows I’ll be unhappy that he’s stayed out so late. But on the other hand he works so hard all week and has been in his colleagues hotel room drinking and chatting.

He’s been caught out before and I’ve told him the lies just stop. Yet they continue. We’re due to be married in 6 months with 2 children and I want to be with him I’m just so, so fed up.

Is it reasonable for me to refuse to speak to him for a week until he’s home next week? Or do I let it go and understand why he lied?

I couldn't live with a constant liar.

How do you know he was in his colleagues room all night ?

Without trust you've got nothing

Ok so last time he went abroad he went missing for a full night and continually lied. So this time I wanted to know the truth. I used the find my friends app and it shows exactly where he is. So I can see he was in the hotel, just not his room.

I watched him walk to his room as I phoned him and pretend I’d just woken him up. Yawning and everything. This was at 8am.

I think if you refuse to speak to him for a week you will think it's a punishment for him but he will think of it as a well earned break. He's never going to be the husband you want. He's a liar. He won't change his behaviour, he won't stop lying. He's proved that already. Leave him or live with it. You're both in for a miserable rest of your relationship, I'd end it tbh.

As he lies it makes me doubt his other words. Who’s in the hotel room and how can I trust that it’s just a group of male colleagues.

Lying is a huge problem. You can’t trust him about anything.

If he lies all the time how do you know he woilent cheat?

You're relationship is doomed. If you have to resort to putting a tracker app on his phone to see him wander around a hotel, then there really is no trust between you both. Cut your losses OP.

My Find my iPhone app isn’t that accurate to show different rooms within one building. Are you sure?

He’s never given me reason to think he would cheat. Never came across like that to other woman, never suspicious messages etc. We’ve been together 10 years. It’s only in the last 2 years the lying has been exposed and it’s been continual despite many threats of leaving if it continues.

I don’t go out much alone to socialise and with the wedding he thinks I won’t leave so continues.

It’s a very large hotel and I know where his room is as I’ve seen it every evening when he goes to sleep.

When I said I know for a fact you are lying he finally admitted it after many denials. So he did admit he had just walked into his hotel room. He said the reason he lied is because he knew I’d be mad.

Do you know who is on the work trip? I wouldn’t trust him from what you have said. He spent the night in someone else’s room.

Find my phone app cant show someone walking between rooms OP.....

I know it’s a colleague, I’ve met him he’s young and single however and has had one night stands whilst working abroad.

I know it’s ridiculous to follow him on an app. I just did it this one time to build trust so that when he said one thing and I could back it up with evidence then I probably wouldn’t need to do it next time.

It’s not find my phone.

It’s find my friends. And it does. If one room is one on side of a hotel, an L shaped hotel and his is on the other.

He admitted he was lying anyway but I knew because of the app.

Some of your behaviour here does seem a little odd. Watching on an app to see where his room is and watching is all night to prove he's a liar?

If you can't trust him, why be with him? This isnt healthy for you or for him tbh.

Yeah this is crazy. You will never be able to trust him.

You should end this immediately. Spending each night obsessing and checking your app is undignified and not goddess like. Be with someone who brings our your goddess or be alone! Maintain your dignity and self respect, at all times.

I’m not watching it all night. I woke up at 6am with our daughter. He texted at 2am saying he was in bed and I looked on the app and seen he wasn’t in his room.

Yes it’s not healthy but I’m really not sure what to do as without the app I’d just be continually lied to and have nothing to prove otherwise.

Dear OP, with the kindest heart I say to you, please read back what you have posted. You have been with this man 10 years and have 2 DC and are planning to marry in 6 months. But in order to trust him you need to track his phone.

You threatened to leave him if he continued with this lying but you didn't leave and so he has called your bluff.
There is no reason on earth for any of us to think he will ever change so you either accept you will marry a cheat and this is your life, or you end it now, sort out your finances and move on.
I cannot advise you as there may be financial complications if you are a SAHM and you are not married but I can only say that I would not stay in this relationship and I would advise my family and friends not to accept this kind of behaviour from a partner.

@ProfessorSillyStuff thanks needed to hear that. It’s so hard

He's never going to be the husband you want.

You didn't think he was lying until two years ago. I am not sure why you have such confidence you would know if he was capable of cheating on you.

without the app I’d just be continually lied to and have nothing to prove otherwise.

Why why why would you want to spend the rest of your life like this? How does being able to prove you're being lied to improve this miserable situation in any way?

I don’t, I just wish he was truthful and he says absolutely no more lies and I want to believe it. And it doesn’t improve this situation but it gives me proof without which I would be oblivious. I can’t live this way any more.

You can't get married to someone who lies.

I guess I’m hoping someone says, it’s ok to lie to avoid you being angry with him. It’s understandable why he’s lying. But he’s lying because he’s staying out all night until 8am. That’s not behaviour I find acceptable anyway even if he didn’t lie I guess. So it’s not just the lies that irritate me. The lies just make it worse as I’m so desperate for some truth.

How often does he go away to work?