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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lying so I’m not angry at him

217 replies

Worrywart21 · 16/11/2019 10:53

My Dp continually bare faced lies to me when he thinks I don’t know the truth and to save himself from dealing with me being angry.

He can be quite convincing and unless I have evidence I would believe him 100%.

We have been over this a million times yet he still continues.

This morning he has done it again. He’s abroad working and went out last night. I know for a fact he stayed out all night. When I called him at 8am he pretended quite convincingly that I had woken him up when in fact he was just in from his night out.

I do not trust a word he says. I’m sure he wouldn’t cheat but now can not be that sure. I’m conflicted. In a way I understand why he lies as he knows I’ll be unhappy that he’s stayed out so late. But on the other hand he works so hard all week and has been in his colleagues hotel room drinking and chatting.

He’s been caught out before and I’ve told him the lies just stop. Yet they continue. We’re due to be married in 6 months with 2 children and I want to be with him I’m just so, so fed up.

Is it reasonable for me to refuse to speak to him for a week until he’s home next week? Or do I let it go and understand why he lied?

OP posts:
skylighting · 23/11/2019 12:10

You are doing amazingly well.

JasonPollack · 23/11/2019 12:39

Well done Worrywort Flowers you're doing so amazingly well. If you have a joint account please transfer the balance to an account only you can access now.

Good on you for blocking his number. Do let us know when you're safe at your dad's, we are all rooting for you Flowers

Uptonogoodtoo · 23/11/2019 13:09

Op you are doing amazing. You can do this. We’re all rooting for you.

Original poster
Worrywart21 · 23/11/2019 15:10

He’s phoning family members. Asking why he can’t see kids tonight. I said he can see them tomorrow. He said I’m using them as a weapon as a punishment to him. I don’t know what to say?

OP posts:
ProfessorSillyStuff · 23/11/2019 15:26

Best not to reply unless you spoke with legal aid professionals I would imagine

Good luck Op, you are scared because you are doing a difficult thing but it is never good to let fear rule our choices! I know all the feels you are feeling right now. Keep calm and centred - just keep breathing and prioritising and doing!
Definitely get help from everybody you can in real life, you will need this support network in the months to come x

Sparrowlegs248 · 23/11/2019 15:29

I used to lie to stbx all the time, because he was controlling, abusive and would fly off the handle over the smallest things.

category12 · 23/11/2019 16:16

Nottalotta, you might trying RTFT when it's 9 pages long Hmm.

OP, don't engage with that kind of emotional blackmail. Just be factual "you have the opportunity to see the dc tomorrow" and give a time. "Contact will not be at random, we will need to arrange it for regular days and convenient timings."

Sparrowlegs248 · 23/11/2019 17:58

Oh bugger, sorry, i didnt see the other pages, just the first. Apologies.

Lollypop701 · 23/11/2019 20:44

Op you are amazing! Seriously amazing. Stay strong, you are not using the kids , he can see them tomorrow. He is kicking off, as previously this behaviour has brought you back in line. Remember this... you went back in line, he lied to you some more, you believed him and then he did it again. You are leaving because you can’t accept his lies, and he has proven he won’t change. stay strong op, you CAN do this x

UnderwearInfernoOfLies · 23/11/2019 21:19

OP I’m in a similar position with a chronic liar with very similar behaviours but currently biding my time past Christmas. Speak to some mediators and make an appointment. This is the best way to resolve as many issues as possible, esp children. Hopefully he’ll be willing to attend as he’s so keen to see his kids. You can also agree how you will communicate and of course with a mediator there’s no option for gaslighting or getting distracted by his lies. Good luck - you’re doing amazing.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/11/2019 22:20

If you're asked you tell the truth. Nothing for you to be ashamed of. If family members are willing to gossip about you, with him behind you're back, then they simply aren't worth worrying about and you don't communicate with them

JasonPollack · 24/11/2019 10:46

Hope you're as OK as can be Worrywort. Flowers

Aussiebean · 24/11/2019 11:24

You need to care about his feelings the same amount as he cares about yours.

Really think about that. How much does he really care about your feelings? How much does he care when you tell him how hurt you are? How much does he care when you cry? How much does he try to change to make you feel better?

Take how much he cares about you and care the same about his feelings.

Original poster
Worrywart21 · 24/11/2019 11:28

Thanks.

He’s collecting them this afternoon and taking them to the cinema to see a film I’ve really looked forward to taking DD to. It’s her favourite and she’s been so excited and now he’s booked it and just said “well you can come if you want”.

His flipping between begging to being angry and spiteful and “wanting this over as soon as possible so he can move on” and “he’s starting to think he doesn’t want to be with me anyway after how I’m acting”.

Family are being supportive but they’re saying things like “do xyz cos that’ll really scare him/show him he might lose you if he doesn’t change”.

I’ve blocked him again after nastiness about me choosing not to work and that having nothing to do with his job etc so it’s not his fault I have no income.

I’ve spent one night out of our house and already I’m crumbling. I think I really miss my house and wish I could go back but I don’t want to be near him and he won’t leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worrywart21 · 24/11/2019 11:31

He spoke to DS on the phone and said “do you want to stay with me tonight after the cinema?” And now DS is asking to stay with him.

OP posts:
Ajlaisy · 24/11/2019 11:43

I'd 100% leave him but I know sort of what it's like to be in your position living with an ex partner he would go on a night out and not return home till 11am the following day he'd promise me he was just at his mates drinking I couldn't handle his behaviour anymore after 2 years of his shit and we broke up I never once thought he'd cheated on me as he would upload pictures of just lads on to social media but told me afterwards he'd cheated 37 times on me in the 2 years we was together and fathered 2 children I was totally unaware of, it's your decision to make but from past experience I wouldn't stand for it x

JasonPollack · 24/11/2019 13:00

When is he due to go away again? I think it would be good to get a visitation agreement in place ASAP. Can you communicate by email if you've blocked him on your phone? Remember to keep any abusive messages if you can as they might be useful if a custody agreement is hard to come by.

I'm sorry you miss your house. How much stuff do you have at your dad's, can you stay there long term? You'll know better what position you're in once you've seen the solicitor, do you think your Ex/DP will want to buy you out of the house?

Try and stay calm rather than inflammatory. Even if he is being spiteful and trying to punish you.

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