Lying so I’m not angry at him

[Worrywart21]

My Dp continually bare faced lies to me when he thinks I don’t know the truth and to save himself from dealing with me being angry.

He can be quite convincing and unless I have evidence I would believe him 100%.

We have been over this a million times yet he still continues.

This morning he has done it again. He’s abroad working and went out last night. I know for a fact he stayed out all night. When I called him at 8am he pretended quite convincingly that I had woken him up when in fact he was just in from his night out.

I do not trust a word he says. I’m sure he wouldn’t cheat but now can not be that sure. I’m conflicted. In a way I understand why he lies as he knows I’ll be unhappy that he’s stayed out so late. But on the other hand he works so hard all week and has been in his colleagues hotel room drinking and chatting.

He’s been caught out before and I’ve told him the lies just stop. Yet they continue. We’re due to be married in 6 months with 2 children and I want to be with him I’m just so, so fed up.

Is it reasonable for me to refuse to speak to him for a week until he’s home next week? Or do I let it go and understand why he lied?

May be posting too late but absolutely do NOT leave the DC with him in the house. He’s the one who should be leaving, not you. The children may not be safe with him, and he may try to keep you away from them. If you’re not at the house now and he is with the children, I suggest you head straight over to the house with someone who can support you (friend or relative) and get back into the house so you are with your children. They and you are your priority.

How are you today Worrywort?

I think you should hold off breaking up, if you can, until you've spoken to the lawyer. Certainly before doing anything like leaving the family home, even if it's supposedly temporary.

He’s due home tomorrow. My dad has said I could stay with him until we sort something out. I don’t want to be here as he’s so completely overbearing and will grind me down.

He’s booked an expensive restaurant for tomorrow night and sent me the booking but I won’t be going.

He just keeps saying I can’t believe this is happening because I lied about when I came home.

Makes me so confused but in reality it’s so much more than that.

Was thinking through things last night and last year he came home from working abroad and I was getting ready to go to our sons birthday party which I’d planned and arranged. He started accusing me of possibly cheating on a night out I went on a few weeks prior and said “it’s not my fault I feel this way you can just act like such a slut”. For NO reason other than his paranoia.

We’ve been together 10 years and I spend all my life looking after him, the kids and the house. I have no time to cheat and zero desire. It makes me wonder if this was a guilty conscience. I was trying to do my make up whilst crying because I was so upset then had to face my sons birthday party.

Then there’s the countless times he’ll go out with friends and they will all go home at say 1am. He’ll tell me he’s on his way home then won’t come back til 8am. This has happened so many times I’m really not exaggerating. Chasing drugs every single time.

Then there’s taking cocaine in our bathroom whilst our kids are around and then lying about taking it.

Then taking me over to where he works and going to bed at 3am and waking up in the morning to find him gone and I’m alone. Phoning him wondering where he is and when he’ll be back.

I feel weak when he’s around and that I won’t ever get away which is why I think it’s betyer that I just go and stay strong.

Oh and the fact he’s now admitted he has cheated on me, even if it was years ago and nothing since, it makes me think about all the times he said he’d never ever cheat and it was an absolute deal breaker for him. All along knowing he did. And me knowing he’s capable of it. Even if it was years ago it still hurts.

Then there’s taking cocaine in our bathroom whilst our kids are around and then lying about taking it

I don’t even know what to say .

Please leave this man, OP. I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's so hard but this feeling is temporary and you will thank yourself in time.

@Candle1000

I know.

I didn’t know he had it in the house. He said it was left over from a night out. We were having a bbq with the kids and he had a few alcoholic drinks. He disappeared inside and was in the bathroom for a while. I heard him sniffing and when he came out he didn’t realise I was there.

I demanded to know what was going on and he said nothing! I wiped the top of the toilet and said were you taking coke??! He denied and denied before finally admitting he did.

He said he was planning on going out with friends. Even though he hadn’t told me he was going out. I was devastated and really confused. He ended up staying home & we watched a film despite him taking coke hours earlier.

Stay strong. Dont let him twist this into splitting up over one late night.
He's a liar, a cheat, a cokehead. He takes drugs when your children are around.

Be prepared for him to turn nasty when he can't manipulate you any more.

He works from home when he’s not working abroad yet said he wants the car if I leave. So I’ll have no way of getting our children to school as we share a car. He won’t need it as he can work from anywhere anyway.

You can't leave him with the dc if he is likely to take drugs. What if one came across his stash? He needs to go.

Any of those is reason enough to end it, I think you know that though. You must try your best to put it aside though and think practically if you want to leave him.

How long is he meant to be back for? Can you take the kids with you to your dad's? I don't think he is likely to take it well if you're not there so you should prepare for him behaving badly if he is upset and on a comedown. Take anything really precious and valuable with you, passports any financial information, as there is no guarantee he will let you back into the house. Arrogant men are unlikely to take being spurned well, if he is used to getting his own way I worry he would turn nasty quickly if you don't do what he wants.

Do you have a joint account? Any money of your own?

Sorry OP this is so horrible

I don’t think he is likely to take them. He won’t be drinking alcohol and I’m sure there is no drugs in the house.

He will not leave. There’s zero chance of him leaving.

Yes I can take the kids to my dads. It’s not great and I’ll miss my home and comforts as my dads isn’t exactly child friendly and I’d never ever want to stay there but there’s no other option.

And it’s my sons birthday next week, and then Christmas obviously and I can’t imagine not being home. What do I tell the kids? The oldest is old enough to know something is wrong and they both have missed him.

If you stay op, you are in the long run teaching your children that daddy’s behaviour is ok. Because if mum accepts it, then it must be ok. You need to pick him up from The airport and drop HIM at a hotel and tell him it’s done. Take charge, you absolutely can do this. You are much stronger than you think... you are effectively a single mum of two anyway! The anxious, stressed, suspicious person isn’t you... that’s a response to an abusive situation. Take charge, stand up for you and your dc. Shame him... Tell everyone he has destroyed your lives and what he’s done. I’m rooting for you op!

Thanks. I’m scared hopefully it’ll go ok.

My dad said tell him to make his own way from airport and take car and turn phone off and stay with him with the kids.

I don’t know if I can do that though. He will go absolutely crazy and probably tell everyone I took the kids away from him after not seeing them for 2 weeks and all he wants is to see them. And I’ll feel awful.

Oh dear

Op you can make him leave by using coercive control law, that's why I posted about it before, I have done it before, I locked my ex out when the current were asleep and I called the police, told them I was experiencing vo-ervive control and they helped me to get an injunction

I applied for an occupation order to secure my right to stay in the home with the children without him and you can also get preventative steps and nonmolestation orders if he harassed you or threatens to take the children away

You should not leave children with him because they are not safe with him

You should not leave children with him as this is not going to look good when you try to get residency or custody of them in court later it could be claimed that you abandoned them

Realise that he may have undermined you as a mother, undermined your attachment with your children, in order to better control you.

Your chdren need you

If he "goes crazy" Worrywort you can call the police. You can't be letting him control you with his behaviour any more. You're living in fear of his reactions if you challenge him. He can tell people what he likes, you can tell the truth to the people who matter.

I think your dad has the right idea, you should take the car if you need it to. Good luck today

OP - bloody good for you!!! I don’t think a lot of posters on here realise how much this is taking out of you. I have BEEN you, with a partner just like him. I wish someone could have punched me in the face and made me realise how much time I was wasting thinking I knew this man and that it hadn’t been me allowing my boundaries to be crossed and my bluff to be called time and again before what was glaringly obvious to everyone else became clear to me.

I will tell you outright with 100% certainty that he will have cheated on you throughout your relationship. And won’t feel one ounce of remorse. I work in the entertainment industry (musicians) and it would make your hair go grey to see how some men behave while away with work and can then be on their phones to wives at 8am on one hours’ sleep professing to be ill and exhausted from touring when they were shagging and partying all night. Peter Pan Syndrome.

I think you need to take a minute and box clever here about your future. Be savvy and start copying paperwork, get the kids passports and as much info on his earnings as you can. Start getting together your own fuck off fund. Have to dash here but I’ll post a link to that fabulous thread from last year where the lady gathered all her stuff in the storage unit...

Stay strong OP and let leaving be your focus. Look up narcissists and gaslighting and you’ll be SHOCKED at the similarities here.

He's a dick. You've put up with so much, it's no life to live. He's definitely cheating and if it were me, I'd let him get a hotel near and he can see the children but he goes back to the hotel. You shouldn't have to leave your own house when you've done nothing wrong. Good luck

Like is right, it's about justice for you but more importantly justice and the best possible outcome for your kids. Don't compromise on that!

These people use our good nature against us and then- what, we leave our homes, our children are unceremoniously uprooted, go into refuges and emergency accommodation, essentially doing time, while they carry on like nothing happened, often going straight onto another victim. This must change.

It will be hard but it will be so, so worth it.

Take all the time you need, deescalate and play nice if you have to, protect your children and collect the evidence you need. Your own internet searches, emails, messages and calls to women aid etc all are evidence.

You can do it.

It feels uncomfortable because you're not used to standing up for yourself and because he's trained you to blame yourself for his behaviour. And because you're frightened of him! Not because you're doing anything wrong - you're not. New things almost always feel awkward and uncomfortable, especially when someone has taught us to expect "punishment" for trying to change.

You are doing the right thing.

When you're wobbling think of it like having to run through a wall of flames to escape a burning building. It's scary and might hurt and you'll need some recovery time and care from others afterwards, but it's the only way you get to safety and the chance of a happy, healthy future. You can't stay in the burning building any longer.

I really think it would help you come to terms with this and hold onto your courage if you did the Freedom Programme. This is so much more than him telling you lies sometimes - there is a bigger pattern of behaviour from him that is wrong. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You deserve so much better. This is not how everyone else is living and you don't have to either. Let your dad help you so your life can get better.

I told him I’m not collecting him from the airport and as expected “why do I hate him, why am I so nasty and rude, where am I going?, he’ll drop me off and keep the car and kids”.

I have cash, cards, passports, payslips and expensive jewellery. I have suitcases packed. I’m shaking with fear.

I’ve blocked his number as he was renlentlessly calling me. He’s in the airport waiting for his next flight.

Op, do you have access to all current/savings accounts jointly? I am concerned that he may clear joint accounts to try to force you to return to him

You are doing amazingly well and we are all rooting for you. You are doing absolutely the right thing for you and your children. Whatever you do, keep the kids with you. The fact that standing up to your partner leaves you shaking with fear shows just how abusive your relationship has been, and he cannot possibly be left in charge of your children if he repeatedly drinks heavily/takes drugs/goes AWOL at the drop of a hat. Of course these next few days and weeks will be difficult - as another poster said, it's like running through the flames to leave a burning building - and it will require huge strength from you. Lean on your dad; lean on your family and friends; lean on us. This is the first step on your journey to a much safer and happier future for you and your children.