Lying so I’m not angry at him

[Worrywart21]

My Dp continually bare faced lies to me when he thinks I don’t know the truth and to save himself from dealing with me being angry.

He can be quite convincing and unless I have evidence I would believe him 100%.

We have been over this a million times yet he still continues.

This morning he has done it again. He’s abroad working and went out last night. I know for a fact he stayed out all night. When I called him at 8am he pretended quite convincingly that I had woken him up when in fact he was just in from his night out.

I do not trust a word he says. I’m sure he wouldn’t cheat but now can not be that sure. I’m conflicted. In a way I understand why he lies as he knows I’ll be unhappy that he’s stayed out so late. But on the other hand he works so hard all week and has been in his colleagues hotel room drinking and chatting.

He’s been caught out before and I’ve told him the lies just stop. Yet they continue. We’re due to be married in 6 months with 2 children and I want to be with him I’m just so, so fed up.

Is it reasonable for me to refuse to speak to him for a week until he’s home next week? Or do I let it go and understand why he lied?

Timetobegood Sat 16-Nov-19 12:39:58
What type of job is he doing where he can stay up all night taking coke and be fit for work the next day

Sales, finance, hospitality... there are loads of industries where doing coke is pretty much a way of life. And the culture is set by the management down, so when you have a senior manager who's a cokehead, the majority of employees will think "oh that's okay then" (the minority will piss off to another job - I did)

Yes he’s senior in it. Probably on more than the prime minister

Senior in IT

So I had a birthday party tonight.

I arranged a babysitter.
I went out and I’m drunk I’m feeling so good. Yay. Fuck him I can have fun and I’m not bothered.

I went out and I’m drunk I’m feeling so good. Yay. Fuck him I can have fun and I’m not bothered.

So, why can’t he? Or is that the real issue regarding him going out; that you resent him going out while you’re at home doing ‘boring’ life-stuff? The lying is unacceptable, but you are BOTH part of the problem ultimately. Either live up to the threats you’ve made to leave, or suck it up and quietly continue this cycle because currently every time you make the pointless threat that you’ll leave; you stay. So the words are empty and he knows it.

Why are you allowed out to get drunk, and he’s not?
Should he be tracking you by your phone?

It is possible that he lies because in the past he has told you the truth and you have got really angry with him?

Do you really want your kids sharing a home with a drug addict? I see a vast difference between a parent who goes out and gets tipsy with friends now and then (assuming, of course, the children are being cared for by someone else) and one who drinks plus does coke and stays out all night whilst lying about it and then blaming his partner for why he lies!

Why on earth are pp trying to make out op is in anyway at fault? She's only in the last 2 years found out she's in a relationship with a pathological liar, presumably post dc.
It's easy to sit there and advise her to leave a 10 year old relationship involving kids, so when should she have left? After the first discovered lie? 3rd?
He hasn't cheated to her knowledge, so walking out with all the uncertainty is very difficult.
The only way she can find out the truth is to keep tabs on him, I'd like to see others act differently in the same circumstances.

Oh to have the black and white lives some of the posters here have, must be grand....

For the drugs you should end it.

It won’t get any better.

@fedup21

My Find my iPhone app isn’t that accurate to show different rooms within one building. Are you sure?

I had the exact same thought. Seeing him move between rooms in a hotel?

I doubt it's the getting drunk that's the issue (wouldn't bother me if my dh was away with work and out every night) what would bother me is the lying.... although 'if' and it's a big 'if' this thread is real, and it includes drug taking he won't be employed for much longer I think

If this is real, who knows, you sound like a frigging nightmare to be honest. No wonder he is not being straight. If he does as much as takes a shit you are tracking him.

I had the exact same thought. Seeing him move between rooms in a hotel?

The OP replied to my message saying she actually had ‘find my friends’ which she said was completely different.

They aren’t different on my phone and in fact have just merged so they are both on one app!

I know a lot of military men who regularly spend a lot of time in Cyprus and Las Vegas with work. So many of them are married with kids yet think nothing of going out for all night drinking sessions, regularly ending up in bed with whatever random woman they can get. They then call their wives the next day, act loving and as if nothing has happened.
You know he is a regular liar to save his own skin with you. If he is a regular liar then cheating is an easy next step for him to take. He may or may not have already taken that step, but is this how you want to live your life?
I think you should cancel the wedding and ask him to leave your home.

I can totally understand having a night out and how much that can help you to disconnect from the emotional attachment you feel to him.

That disconnect is totally necessary for you to get through this and do the best for your children.

Hope you can remember how to maintain that disconnect without the alcohol, and I hope you realise that getting drunk isn't going to be productive.

Leaving a controlling partner is the most dangerous times for a victim of coercive control. Women are often murdered. You need to have your wits about you.

His drug taking, drinking and lying will frazzle and preoccupy his mind. Your love for your kids, sobriety and honesty are what will secure your triumph.

Please be strong OP

My husband was like this. Avoidant of responsibility and anger his whole life (abusive home).

He never gave me the impression he would cheat.

Then he did.

Either he grows up and changes or be done with it.

His drug taking, drinking and lying will frazzle and preoccupy his mind. Your love for your kids, sobriety and honesty are what will secure your triumph.

100% agree. Your DC currently only have the emotional and physical presence of one parent - but even this unsatisfactory situation is further eroded if you are then also frazzled and preoccupied with his behaviours. Your DCs are missing out from both parents - you cannot be in two emotional places at once. The stress of his behaviours will drain your finite emotional energy so that you have little left for your kids. Kick him to the kerb and focus on them.

So you’re not on the trip but you’re saying he can’t go on a night out and stay out all night?! Sorry but I think you’re being quite controlling - I could understand if you were there but you’re not. You said yourself you have no reason to believe he would cheat. Maybe he feels like he has to lie because you’re so controlling and if he says to his colleagues ‘No I can’t come on a night out with you all, my wife says I’m not allowed and has given me a strict curfew’ he would look like an absolute joke. And maybe he just wants to go on nights out when his colleagues are? Like maybe he just wants to have a few drinks and a laugh and so what? I know on Mumsnet NOBODY drinks and NOBODY goes on nights out or has fun or laughs (according to most replies to most threads) but actually in the real world people do enjoy the odd night out. I’d be utterly furious if my DH told me I couldn’t stay out until when I wanted when I was away and it wouldn’t affect him in anyway, and I’m sure if this was the other way round (you saying ‘my husband doesn’t like me staying out late and has been tracking my movements when I’m away using an app to make sure I get home at a time that he deems acceptable’) posters would be saying he sounds unhinged and controlling and that his behaviour is extremely worrying and unacceptable. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s lying because he doesn’t want to just do what you say all the time and that’s fine as he’s a grown adult and ‘I don’t like it’ isn’t a good enough reason for him not to do something occasionally. I think your behavior is very concerning and using an app to track someone is beyond shocking and awful - I’d be seriously distressed and honestly might even consider divorce if my DH did this to me. I think what you have done is far worse that what he has.

I also really think you should consider asking people in real life for advice and not on Mumsnet where posters responses are really really odd and OTT and dramatic. He lied because he wanted to go out with his mates and you won’t let him and everyone is acting like he’s committed the crime of the century. Poor guy.

He lied because he wanted to go out with his mates and you won’t let him

5 year olds lie to avoid consequences and explaining themselves not adults.

She has said numerous times that she has no intention of "stopping" him doing anything.

Even if she was BU, you do what you want to do then explain to your spouse why they are unreasonable not lie to them to avoid the consequences of doing something that is clearly going to upset them.

I buy shoes sometimes when I know my husband will be pissed off about it. I don't lie about it. I deal with my decisions and stand by them (or apologise for being a dick with money sometimes)

The OP is worried he's cheating on her as well. He's doing nothing to abate that fear by lying further.

The name of the thread suggests to me that he lies because the OP has gone berserk in the past about him going out. All that stalking his hotel room on Find my Friends and phoning deliberately when he's back in his room to catch him out? That is weird. Maybe he's cheating, but maybe he just wants to go out without being yelled at. If the sexes were switched this would be called out for what it is rather than all sympathy going to the OP.

it’s been continual despite many threats of leaving if it continues
This is why he still does it.
You have to follow through on threats or they are totally pointless.
Soooo.... are you going to follow through on this or not?
If not then you will live your life like this.
You are with a coke addict and a compulsive liar.
So what are you going to do about it?

I hope you had a good birthday night out.

Why do you want to marry him?

Seriously. Why?

As above.

Stand back from this.

Why DO you want to marry a sly sneaky liar who makes you into a paranoid person? Just why?!

You surely can't actually LIKE him, right? You must think, objectively, that he's a pretty poor excuse for a friend, if nothing else. He's shitty. He's dishonest. He's a coward.

You need someone at your side to go through life, thick and thin, to be there for the hard times.

Absolute fact: if you marry this guy, the marriage will fall aprt the very first time you have to face something hard as a couple - money worries, bereavement, job loss. Because his reaction will be to lie himself blue in the face to avoid hard conversations, and your will be to distrust, withdraw, and finally hate.

Big sunk costs here. If you go ahead, you're building a house on sand.

You would be better off finding a new relationship with a solid footing rather than trying to plug the gaps in this one.

You are also wasting precious time. I predict that in ten years you will be BITTERLY regretting that you didn't get rid of this twat now and get back into dating at THIS point in your life - rather than contemplating finding someone new a decade on, with potentially a whole complicated divorce and kids scenario.

It's not working right now - let alone for the foreseeable.

A wedding will fix nothing.