Lying so I’m not angry at him

[Worrywart21]

My Dp continually bare faced lies to me when he thinks I don’t know the truth and to save himself from dealing with me being angry.

He can be quite convincing and unless I have evidence I would believe him 100%.

We have been over this a million times yet he still continues.

This morning he has done it again. He’s abroad working and went out last night. I know for a fact he stayed out all night. When I called him at 8am he pretended quite convincingly that I had woken him up when in fact he was just in from his night out.

I do not trust a word he says. I’m sure he wouldn’t cheat but now can not be that sure. I’m conflicted. In a way I understand why he lies as he knows I’ll be unhappy that he’s stayed out so late. But on the other hand he works so hard all week and has been in his colleagues hotel room drinking and chatting.

He’s been caught out before and I’ve told him the lies just stop. Yet they continue. We’re due to be married in 6 months with 2 children and I want to be with him I’m just so, so fed up.

Is it reasonable for me to refuse to speak to him for a week until he’s home next week? Or do I let it go and understand why he lied?

Best advice I would give anyone is "Leave after the first lie"

Haven't read through but this won't end well in the long Run :(

He either has a personality disorder or he is cheating. There is no need to tell such lies unless he has something to hide or he has a physiological disorder.

It’s been continual despite many threats of leaving if it continues.
Well, of course. After all, here you still are.

Cancelling a wedding will be expensive. But not nearly as expensive as a divorce. And think of all the money you will save on partially funding his coke habit.

Of course it’s up to you if you stay in a relationship with him. I never said it wasn’t. I believe my first sentence was do not marry him.

I’m not controlling, just ask for behaviour that I find acceptable. He’s allowed to do whatever he wants

This isn’t true. You don’t sound like he’d be able to say “I stayed out all night last, and only got to bed at 6aml and you be fine with it. He’s not allowed to do whatever he wants.

You seriously don’t have to go along with anything. Cancel the wedding

What type of job is he doing where he can stay up all night taking coke and be fit for work the next day?

Is this someone you really want to marry OP?

Why does he feel the need to lie? You sound like you are stressed and unhappy. Constant threats of leaving won’t make him change if he doesn’t want too

Irrelevant really, but I use Find My Friends too, and it's not always 100% accurate.

I know it’s boring when people switch the genders, but a woman was being tracked on an app by her partner, people here would lose their minds

Yes it's hard to leave.

What's harder though, leaving or a life of this?

It doesn't really matter what he's lying about. He is a liar so you can't trust him and you know he has no respect for you. Those are the two 'outcomes' - he doesnot respect you and your relationship enough to allow you to respond as you choose to his actions, and he permanently patronises you and denies you agency in your own life.

You may not be ready to leave him but I would urge you to cancel the wedding. Cancel it and tell people why. You have the kids anyway and aren't married, it's actually better now that you don't probably if you suspect there's even a chance you'll split.

But don't tell him, of course. Not until he gets back. Then tell him a day or so later, in quite a matter of fact way - yep, all already cancelled. When he explodes, look calmly at him and say 'Well I didn't want to tell you when you were out there, you'd just be angry on the phone and there was no point.'

Then watch him tie himself in knots trying to argue that while it's just fine for him to disrespect and patronise you by lying and omitting to tell you stuff (which is why the wedding is now cancelled), it's absolutely unforgivable for you to take the same attitude to him.

Will be interesting.

By the way, does he know you can track him?

Look, you can't ever trust this man. It's no way to live.You will drive yourself bonkers.

Better alone than badly accompanied.

Please don't marry this man OP. You will never be able to trust him.

Unfortunately for him it is up to me whether he remains in a relationship with me and goes out all night whilst I stay home playing housewife looking after our two children. I don’t think it’s acceptable behaviour or a dad or married man. In my opinion there is too many opportunities in a foreign country drinking and staying out all night. The respectful thing is to come home at a decent time.

You sound very controlling. I'm suddenly starting to have some sympathy for him. Did you become controlling because he's a liar or were you like this before?

You both sound completely incompatible.

He's away with work. He's allowed to go out, get pissed, stay up all night if he wants as long as it doesn't affect his work. I know a lot of people (especially married men) who behave like this when they're away with work. I used to live in Hong Kong and it was rife there amongst visiting business people. The question is does he lie to you about it because you're so controlling and give him a hard time, or has he always been a liar? Only you know the answer to that OP. Of course if he's cheating on you as well, that's a different kettle of fish.

I don't think you'll leave him though. Instead you make empty threats about leaving or say you won't speak to him for a week (whoopy-do! are you age 12?!) What kind of relationship are you modelling to your kids? When he gets back, sit him down and have an adult conversation. Work out between yourselves if there's anyway you can get the trust back or if it's over between you. He needs to stop lying and tell the truth about his 'activities' but you need to stop stalking him, judging him and laying down the law about what he can and can't do. He's an adult. Treat him like one. And then if he continues to lie, you either leave him or you have to accept this is how your life will be with him.

But there is nothing stopping him from leaving his phone in the room forwarding the calls to another number and you would be none the wiser
Either you trust him or you don’t

You can’t trust him. You won’t be happy with him.

Leave and be happy.

If you trust him so little that you feel you need to track and check and challenge everything then I'm not sure you are going to be able to have a healthy relationship at all.

Taking out of the equation whether he is lying now or not, he has done so many times before that you'll never really be able to trust him.

I've been in this position and after a while being with a compulsive liar all you get is "well i only didn't tell you because I knew you'd go mental" etc

I think (and I mean this kindly) your behaviour has tipped over into being controlling and while I can understand why (I've been there) it will do nothing except push him further away and result in him lying more.

Regardless if he is lying or not on specific occasions, your boundaries and expectations sound incompatible and this will quickly become toxic.

Sorry OP this might have gone on too long for there to be a remotely simple solution

I’m not controlling, just ask for behaviour that I find acceptable. He’s allowed to do whatever he wants I don’t hold him to ransom.

You ARE controlling. He's not allowed to do what he wants. He has to live by your standards or face your wrath

So he's learned to lie to avoid failing to meet your standards and to avoid your anger

It's a crap relationship

If I were him I'd leave you

Honestly I’m not controlling. The reason it got to this stage for so long is because I would trust and believe him. He’d text saying he was in bed at 2am. This went on for years. No problems at all. Even he admits I was the most laid back girlfriend ever.

Only after a friend spoke about their all nighters did questions get raised. Then more lies and more and more to the point I honestly can’t believe anything any more.

Op you have 2 children do you really want them growing up seeing what you are prepared to accept as a wife and mother

Lies including taking drugs.

Really how can I be the unreasonable one? I’m sorry I honestly don’t understand

I couldn't cope with a liar and cokehead either. But I couldn't cope with such a controlling partner either. I'm an auld one but I don't see what the problem is with going out all night when he's away from you. Time apart is the perfect time for him to go out.

@Worrywart21 it’s probably his fault. It has probably all been caused by his behaviour, BUT it has made you into a controlling and smothering partner.

It’s not a sustainable relationship.

@Coyoacan

I have no problems with him going out and enjoying himself. Of course I don’t.

He leaves work at 5pm straight to the bed. I text him at 11pm saying good night have a nice night xx. He texts at 2am saying he’s in bed. I wake up at 6am and he’s still awake. Ofcourse I’m going to wonder why? Why lie?

Maybe it is my fault he lies but I don’t know many woman who would be happy with a grown man drinking from 5pm til 8am in a foreign country.

Pub not bed.

And it’s how convincing he is and how far he will go to maintain the lie despite me knowing the truth. It really does mess with my mind.