Lying so I’m not angry at him

[Worrywart21]

My Dp continually bare faced lies to me when he thinks I don’t know the truth and to save himself from dealing with me being angry.

He can be quite convincing and unless I have evidence I would believe him 100%.

We have been over this a million times yet he still continues.

This morning he has done it again. He’s abroad working and went out last night. I know for a fact he stayed out all night. When I called him at 8am he pretended quite convincingly that I had woken him up when in fact he was just in from his night out.

I do not trust a word he says. I’m sure he wouldn’t cheat but now can not be that sure. I’m conflicted. In a way I understand why he lies as he knows I’ll be unhappy that he’s stayed out so late. But on the other hand he works so hard all week and has been in his colleagues hotel room drinking and chatting.

He’s been caught out before and I’ve told him the lies just stop. Yet they continue. We’re due to be married in 6 months with 2 children and I want to be with him I’m just so, so fed up.

Is it reasonable for me to refuse to speak to him for a week until he’s home next week? Or do I let it go and understand why he lied?

I think that the lifestyle you have chosen - him working abroad for 3 out of 4 weeks or at least 50% of the time is a v tough compromise for a young family.

You might have the financial / materialist rewards but it is a v high cost to you, your DCs, your marriage and your family life.

Having to be home alone 24/7 without the emotional and physical support of another adult to deal with young children and running a house must be exhausting. You can’t even rely on him to be on the end of a phone to give sober soothing advice if anything were to go wrong. What is he like when he is home for the week? It must be a rollercoaster for you all. What’s the point? Do you really need the money / that much money? I would imagine that there are many IT jobs that would allow you a basic family life close to home. Are the baubles worth it - or does he prefer the escape from family life that this set up affords him?

This set up isn’t doesn’t often work longer term for many families.

You are effectively a single parent 24/7 with the added drama of a virtual lying, disrespectful, addict causing chaos from abroad. Cut him out and your children’s home will be calm and peaceful with a fully attentive Mum.

@Innishh Op is nowhere near being a single parent but would probably be better off if she were.

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate the ones that understand my side despite using tracking apps etc. I know it is morally wrong and I guess there is a bit of a back story or drip feed which isn’t intentional but is why I feel in my heart I’m actually not in the wrong.

So as a bit of background
-I’ve supported him 100% in his career and he moved away for 1 year to pursue his career. I’ve always sacrificed my job, life but ultimately it’s worked in both our favours financially

• it’s emerged that he’s had a problem with cocaine and I caught him secretly using it at 4pm with our kids around
• on his last work trip he stayed out til 10am and I seen on social media he was tagged in a photo of a girl sitting on his knee. Very close and I was devastated. He convinced me she’s just overly friendly. He lied about his where abouts and when he got home.
• to try to convince me there was nothing to worry about he invited me over for a weekend. I met all his colleagues. One used a prostitute whilst I was there (went missing and someone told me it was common knowledge that he does this) he’s a married man. My partner says he thinks it’s disgusting.
• we went a night out to a night club whilst over there and went back to the hotel at 3am. I woke up at 6am to find he’d snuck out to go meet his colleagues as they were still partying.
• he is the boss. He regularly takes cocaine with his colleagues whom he manages. All it takes is one person to blackmail him and he could lose his job. Or get caught with drugs. He already has a conviction for drugs (although from years ago)
• he’s recently had a promotion and has worked excessively. I Can’t tell you the last time he had dinner with us as a family, put the kids to bed, took an active role in the family. His work is absolutely his main priority which is great for him and us financially but he’s sooo disconnected from us that it almost makes it easy to imagine him cheating.
• when he works abroad he finishes at 6pm and is out for dinner and drinks every single evening. But can’t do that for us. It’s only at the weekend however that he will go for dinner and drinks and stay out til the following morning. The latest I’ve known him to stay out is 11am.

So yes whilst it may seem extreme that I tracked him, it’s because I KNEW he was going to be acting this way and I knew he was going to lie. Without proof he lies til he’s blue in the face and I have nothing to go on. But then maybe I should just allow him to act this way? To the posters that slated me, am I being controlling or unreasonable by expecting something else?

It does make me wonder whether he would or could cheat. I genuinely do not believe a word he says. If I ask him “was there any females back in the hotel room” he’ll say no. I’ll watch for clues that he’s lying but I can never tell. All the lies mean I can’t trust him but until would never have tried to catch him out until the last few months as I believed him.

For the posters that said I’m creating this problem in my head by abiding to nursery school rules etc.. do you still think so? Am I? I genuinely feel conflicted and unsure and after this thread I thought to myself “ok get a grip you’re creating this problem” but I still feel so sad and unloved.

And despite going out on Saturday night, I very very rarely go out without him. I hate hangovers and I came home at 1am and had to get up at 7am with the kids and felt awful the full day. I would never have the opportunity nor actually want it, to come home at 9am. It just would never happen as I have responsibilities and I just don’t want to.

I must admit I’ve been feeling extremely, extremely down to the point where I want to curl up under my cover and stay there or not wake up. Every day is a struggle right now.

It's really time to call it a day on the relationship. It shouldn't be like this, op. There's better out there for you, and just not having to deal with this crap will make you feel better. Holding onto something this fucked up isn't doing you any good. Let go.

That sounds like a really tough situation OP.

I think what I and others are trying to get at is at the minute you're allowing his behaviour to turn you into a worried, panicked woman who is scrutinizing his every move until he does something wrong - is it worth it?

You seem to be just waiting to have some evidence to confront him with either for lying or the drugs or potential cheating - if you feel this bad about him, why are you waiting for anything? Isnt the fact that he's made you (or allowed you to get to) paranoid, scared etc bad enough?

Is tracking your partner's phone to ensure he's not cheating and to confront him about lying the type of relationship you imagined growing up?

God I hate liars its so boring and what’s the point of ever trying to talk if it’s just lies pointless

Why would you marry him? Unless there is a financial reason to do so to secure assets or something.

Your partner takes drugs, I doubt very much if he has been faithful to you, he has most likely been with prostitutes too. You can't trust a word that comes out of his mouth and he spends no time with you and his children by his own choice.

Come on OP. you can have a better life than this. Imagine not giving a fuck where he is or what he is doing or who he is doing it with? Just going to bed and going to sleep without that worry.

He won't change.

I think what I and others are trying to get at is at the minute you're allowing his behaviour to turn you into a worried, panicked woman who is scrutinizing his every move until he does something wrong - is it worth it?

“.....until he does something wrong” !!!!

Facts:
He is an addict.
He is a liar.
He has a criminal record for drugs.
He is putting his career and liberty and the financial security of his young children at risk every weekend.
He is pissing away family money.
He is not emotionally present or supportive of his DCs and DP.
He is not even available or coherent for a phone call from his DP if his young family needed to contact him in an emergency.
His DP is distracted, abandoned and distraught by his behaviour and he does nothing to soothe her.

Are any of these not wrong?

Where are your red lines OP?

The only thing she hasn’t pinned him down on......yet.....and this seems to be her red line (but who knows maybe it isn’t) is sexual activity outside of the relationship. But anyone who knows anything about coke-heads will tell you that there will have 100% been either affairs / ONS / prostitutes or a combination of all three.

He's a liar, a drug user and a coward. That's only 3 from a long list of worrying traits. Those alone would be enough for me to run for the hills OP. Give your head a wobble. What are you doing?? It's never too late to stop a wedding right up till you say I do. Say I don't. Save your dcs and yrself from years of agony.

it’s emerged that he’s had a problem with cocaine and I caught him secretly using it at 4pm with our kids around

Sorry OP but that should have been your redline - your young children are exposed to this.
This is the real problem right in your face - this is the direct physical risk to your DCs. His affair / ONS / prostitute is a red herring and is not a direct physical “risk”’to your DCs.

You are dealing with an addict. Accept that. That’s enough. Move on - otherwise your MH will collapse even further and your DCs won’t have either parent there for them - currently they only have a fraction of you because you are drained, distracted and distraught running after the addict - to catch him for some other wrong doing.

Stop. He has done enough. You need focus on yourself and your DCs. Get some proper counselling and RL support. You are not controlling - you have been pushed to the edge.

You have tried too hard for too long.

Jeez op none of this is ok.
You need to step up and get away from this man.

Op ... you know he is a coke head, he didn’t even stop when you were there , he is doing it around your kids .

I don’t understand the tracking . You know the fact he is doing drugs . You need no more evidence

You are sending yourself crazy . The point bayou out a tracker app on his phone because you don’t trust him you are done.

He has no reason to stop because you continue to accept this situation.

I would also say the prostitute suggests lots of sex going non there . I would unlink my finance and out a claim in to cms .

Run for the hills.

@Worrywart21 just by reading everything you have every reason to worry.
I would say not to marry him as he will not change and he is not a great role model for his own children.
Your children (not sure of DS or DD) but how would you feel if this was going on in their lives, what advice as a mother would you be giving them?
Remember you are the most powerful... You are your own Boss!

What @FizzyGreenWater said. with bells on. Being married to a liar is awful.

I don't understand why you're with him. You know all these horrendous things about him, all of which are dealbreakers on an individual basis. Tracking him and proving that he lies is meaningless as he isn't going to change. You're just making yourself even more miserable by doing this. Why are you hoping will happen? He won't stop and he won't change.

You have a choice to make. You either leave him and get out, or you accept that this is the man you're choosing to be with and this is how life will be with the partying, the drugtaking, the sleeping around and the lying.

It should be an easy choice. Get out now and do not tie yourself to this man. Get your children away from him. Leaving him may be hard for you. But it will get easier. Staying with him is hard and it will only get harder. Pick your hard.

You deserve way better! You can't live with that level of anxiety in you, you'll drive yourself to distraction and make yourself sick. I can totally see why you go to the lengths you do, but it's not going to get any better. Lying comes easily to him, and he's done too many things that are way over the line. I would definitely for the sake of your sanity, and your kids, cut your losses and get out now.

Leaving him may be hard for you. But it will get easier. Staying with him is hard and it will only get harder. Pick your hard.

So true.

Thanks.

Can I just ask, what is it that tips it from me being controlling and people feeling sorry for him, to Almost being understandable why I’m acting the way I am?

I ask because I am constantly fed by him that it’s not that bad. So what he lied about what time he came home, so does every other guy over there.

So what he takes drugs, so does every other guy over there.

So what he drinks every night. It’s not a big deal.

And then I struggle to know whether I am controlling and unreasonable and whether I’m not, especially as initially people on this thread, and quite a few too, said I was controlling and they felt sorry for him and would actually leave me.

I think for me this is the reason I stay. It’s because he tells me all of this, other people do yet still deep inside it brings these feelings out every time it happens.

Sometimes I think to myself he clearly doesn’t care about our family as if he did he wouldn’t act this way and that I’m listening too much to words and not actions.

If it's 'so what' then why lie in the first place?

Whatever I do, I am straight about it with a partner. He's lying to save himself a headache,which is pure cowardice. It's also a huge sign of disrespect; I will do what I want even if you don't like it and if you catch me I'll just shrug it off.

The respectful thing to do would be to be open, and allow your partner to decide for themselves whether they want that in their lives. He's taking that from you.

Am I really going to through our life away because he came home in the early hours of the morning/because he lied about what time he came home/ because he took drugs/likes to party.

Is that really worth it?

Am in my head I think no, that’s silly.

But in my heart it’s not just those acts it’s the feeling of dishonesty, disconnect and trust which make me think, I can’t do this. He doesn’t care.

It’s been niggling me a bit too, that even when he is here it’s.... different. I look forward to him coming home so much and when he does it’s quite strange. The last time he came home the kids made banners and were very excited. I hoped we could go for a nice meal together as it was Saturday night.

He came home understandably exhausted and just wanted to lie on the couch. I was quite disappointed as I’ve been inside most weekends alone doing nothing but also sad for the kids.

What really got me was that he was just so focused on sex. He kept grabbing me in a really sexual way and putting his hands down my pants even when our kids were right there. It felt so strange after being apart for so long.

Then when we did have sex it was quite... aggressive and not at all the loving and nice way I was imagining. I guessed it was too much porn whilst he was away but it just leaves me feeling a bit disgusted.

So his response is basically “all the other boys do it”? What is he 12?

It’s hard to believe he has a responsible job when he behaves like an entitled 22 year old is his first overseas job. Except of course he has you and the DC and should grow the fuck up!I have read the thread & cannot see a single thing that makes this relationship worth saving

He wants a life where he can drink, drug & bang other women - i suggest you give that to him and LTB

I’m so angry on your behalf OP. He’s behaving appallingly and blaming you if you even vaguely suggest he’s being out of line

He has you wrapped around his fingers. He knows you won't leave him, probably believes that you are too attracted to the money he makes to dare leaving him. He is a party animal and won't give this away for you. He believe he doesn't need to anyway since you are still with him and is over the moon to be marrying him soon.

He lies because he can't deal with the grief you will give him if he tells you the truth. He thinks it doesn't matter that he lies because whether he does or not, he'll continue with the life he is choosing when he is away from home. He thinks it's harmless and if you don't trust him, it's your problem.

Really, he is who he is and he is not going to change. You either take him as he is and been for all those years, or you move on. He will NOT change.

Maybe it is my fault he lies but I don’t know many woman who would be happy with a grown man drinking from 5pm til 8am in a foreign country

Don’t be daft, he’s not out drinking all that time, he’s in bed with someone.

happens.

Sometimes I think to myself he clearly doesn’t care about our family as if he did he wouldn’t act this way and that I’m listening too much to words and not actions

You are 100% right, he doesn’t care about you at all.

You have to ask yourself these things . Do you want to be with a man who does coke ?

Do you want to be with a man drunk every night . He could spend less and afford bro be home much more.

The aggressive sex is concerning.

The lying in the sofa exhausted is not because he has been working hard . He has partied all week .

What actually are you getting from this?