Lying so I’m not angry at him

[Worrywart21]

My Dp continually bare faced lies to me when he thinks I don’t know the truth and to save himself from dealing with me being angry.

He can be quite convincing and unless I have evidence I would believe him 100%.

We have been over this a million times yet he still continues.

This morning he has done it again. He’s abroad working and went out last night. I know for a fact he stayed out all night. When I called him at 8am he pretended quite convincingly that I had woken him up when in fact he was just in from his night out.

I do not trust a word he says. I’m sure he wouldn’t cheat but now can not be that sure. I’m conflicted. In a way I understand why he lies as he knows I’ll be unhappy that he’s stayed out so late. But on the other hand he works so hard all week and has been in his colleagues hotel room drinking and chatting.

He’s been caught out before and I’ve told him the lies just stop. Yet they continue. We’re due to be married in 6 months with 2 children and I want to be with him I’m just so, so fed up.

Is it reasonable for me to refuse to speak to him for a week until he’s home next week? Or do I let it go and understand why he lied?

Dearest OP .. I have no issues of you tracking him if this would bring you peace of mind ..

However! .. this man is living a single life .. he has the freedom to cheat ( be honest with your self) he parties, sneaks off, sneaks around, uses coke .. he could not even stay in the room with you without sneaking out to party ..

He does not respect you ..

He has it good .. you bring up the family and he occasionally treats you here and there, he can put up with ‘your nagging’ because he can have his way most of the time.. he is bringing in The money is it yours? Are you financially secure?

You keep making threats to leave but have not followed through .. what happens if you tell him don’t come back?

Last scenario - one slip up from someone about his drug taking and all his hard work , promotion and income is gone .. do you have a back up plan?

Think of your kids and your future .. he is gambling on having it all .. where does that leave you?

Get your ducks in a row as the saying goes .. better to be safe than sorry 🌷

He is an addict.
He is a coke head.
With that comes sex.

Some people in this thread might be happy with him living this lifestyle, on their family money, away from home and all responsibilities. They would be the “cool wives” - so would see your worries as “controlling”.

It doesn’t sound like you are one of them - not sure I have ever met one in RL.

This is his lifestyle - you do not have the same values - so you are not compatible.

You haven’t been v successful at your “controlling” as he hasn’t complied with anything.

His bad habits are now polluting the small amount of time you have together. Disconnected from the family, disappointed children, rough sex (he learnt that from a prostitute).

What are you throwing away? Doesn’t sound like a calm, peaceful, wholesome home for your children. You sound on the right on the edge.

OP - in these threads you will get a wide range of opinion and experience. Some people come on here just to goad.

This is your life and the future of your DCs.

Re read and just pick out posts that chime with you - then ignore the rest.

All his behaviours are those of an addict. YOU can’t control it, cure it and you didn’t cause it.

It will get worse and worse and you will all suffer on that decline. His best hope of cleaning himself up is you walking away with the DCs. That might make him sit up and think - or it might not.

You need to get RL emotional support for YOU because your DCs need YOU. Their Dad isn’t present. Go to counselling, narcs Anon.

I’ve experienced certain elements of your situation before. It absolutely drains the life from you. It is no way to live.

Are you happy? Because my answer to this was no. And I knew it wouldn’t change. We get one life, don’t waste yours on someone who does not make you happy. Because you cannot make him change. And it seems as though you love who you thought he was or want him to be. And that is just not reality.

So I told someone close to me about everything. They said they don’t believe a word he says either and actually said cancel the wedding. This is someone who has been very supportive and excited about the wedding.

I told partner that it’s over unless he’s completely honest about what’s been going on over there as I feel in my gut there’s more than just excessive partying. He said there’s nothing to tell. I said ok I want a lie detector or it’s over as I don’t believe you. He agreed, he’d do anything to rebuild this and will work through anything.

I said ok I’ll book it. Suddenly a change of heart. Actually it is for the best we split. Our relationship is ruined anyway. I agree. Suddenly he says he will be honest. Years ago he did cheat on me, a girl came onto him in a house party. They kissed and she touched him but he didn’t touch her. No sexual intercourse.

As it was so long ago I feel nothing. But this is someone who has declared he would never ever cheat and cheating would be a deal breaker. Yet he did.

Now he’s back saying it’s definitely over as he’s ruined it. I deserve better. Asking what my wedding dress was like as he was so excited to see it.

He’s still abroad but he stayed out til 3am on Tuesday drinking then didn’t go to work yesterday as he was too upset. Kept phoning me, acting suicidal at points. I’m ok as he’s away I don’t want to see him or speak to him. If only he could just stay away but he’ll be back on Saturday being over bearing begging and pleading.

I’m going to collect him from the airport drop him off with the kids then I’m driving away and will go and stay in a hotel. Is that for the best?

You are a better person than me .. I would make him get a taxi or bus home tbh .. he knows he been caught .. now the guilt tripping & manipulation begins .. It will be because of you yadda yadda ..

Sorry OP .. virtual hug

He has no where to live and I don’t either really. Do I put the house on the market and walk away with half the equity and start again? We’re not married obviously so there’s nothing financially I can get except child maintenance. Obviously I need a job ASAP.

If you need your DP to take a lie detector test you should not be getting married. Doesn't matter if you're right or wrong, this is no way to start a marriage.

Yes, which is why it is over & why we are not getting married. I wouldn’t have gone through with the lie detector but I wanted to see his response and whether I could get anymore truth from him.

I think his cheating Confession is probably something that’s happened more recently than years & years ago but he’s trying to minimise by saying it was years ago. Already there are holes in his cheating confession. First he said he was sleeping in bed and woke up to a girl coming onto him (yeah, right).

Then when questioned it was on a couch. Then he did kiss her. Then she touched him but he didn’t touch her. It’s bothered him for years and he felt awful. And maybe explains his possessiveness and jealousy and declaring that he would never ever cheat.

I think you are doing the right thing in ending the relationship, it sounds miserable when I first read your posts I did think tracking him and questioning him about he spent his evenings away and him having to justify himself sounded insane but I can see how you have got to this point. You deserve better.

To be honest, I wouldn't collect him from the airport, and would tell him to find himself an hotel.

He won’t though, then I’ll need to deal with him. If I tell him I’m going to hotel he’ll try to physically stop me. If I collect him and quietly go then I won’t need to deal with it.

Are you taking your DC to the hotel?

Which came first OP: his lying or your controlling behaviour?

He doesn't care because he knows you won't bring it to a head. Bottom line is you cannot trust him and he is using your income on drugs, drinking and very likely more. Hope he is not leaving you short or getting into debt.

Before you marry him you need help to define your boundaries and stick to it. For most people his behaviour would have long since crossed the line and he'd be gone. What has happened in your life to continue to give him chances?

Just read your update - why collect him and leave him with dc?

Because otherwise I’ll be stuck in a house with him. He won’t leave so what should I do?

Tell him to go, if you must meet him do so with a packed bag and take him to parent , friend , anywhere else.

Then what? If you go back, will he let you back into the house?

And definitely his lying first. I read another thread of mine under a different name. About him lying and taking drugs. Coming home at 8:30am whilst my sons eating breakfast wondering where he’s been. Lying about his where abouts. Refusing to come home even when he says he’s on his way. There’s a massive back story here but I’m 100% sure I can’t continue anymore.

He has no family to go to, he would let me back I’m sure. We’ve been here so many times and whilst he’s acting so blasé now trying to call my bluff, out with friends and drinking every evening, once he’s home he’ll be begging and pleading and promising change.

10 years of bullshit is a loooooonnngggg time, exactly how many more happy days of your life are you going to allow this man to steal from you and your children?

Even more reason not to allow him home. He thinks he can wear you down again and all will be fine. Let him beg a bed from one of his "friends".

OP is your name on the house? I think you should speak to a lawyer before you begin separation.

I have an appointment with a family lawyer but not for 2 weeks unfortunately. My name is on the house.