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Original poster

Lying so I’m not angry at him

217 replies

Worrywart21 · 16/11/2019 10:53

My Dp continually bare faced lies to me when he thinks I don’t know the truth and to save himself from dealing with me being angry.

He can be quite convincing and unless I have evidence I would believe him 100%.

We have been over this a million times yet he still continues.

This morning he has done it again. He’s abroad working and went out last night. I know for a fact he stayed out all night. When I called him at 8am he pretended quite convincingly that I had woken him up when in fact he was just in from his night out.

I do not trust a word he says. I’m sure he wouldn’t cheat but now can not be that sure. I’m conflicted. In a way I understand why he lies as he knows I’ll be unhappy that he’s stayed out so late. But on the other hand he works so hard all week and has been in his colleagues hotel room drinking and chatting.

He’s been caught out before and I’ve told him the lies just stop. Yet they continue. We’re due to be married in 6 months with 2 children and I want to be with him I’m just so, so fed up.

Is it reasonable for me to refuse to speak to him for a week until he’s home next week? Or do I let it go and understand why he lied?

OP posts:
Original poster
Worrywart21 · 16/11/2019 11:27

He’s been away 3 weeks out of the last 4.

It varies but recently it’s been at least 50% of the month.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/11/2019 11:28

You and he should not be together. This whole relationship, let alone marriage, is an utter car crash and one you should not be in. He is lying to avoid trouble, he has probably done this as well his entire life and such is deeply ingrained.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Please do not stay with him either because of the children. What are they learning from the two of you about relationships?. Would you want them to have a relationship like this, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

81Byerley · 16/11/2019 11:29

I don't think you should marry him, because although he might not be doing anything really wrong, your life and his will be hell because you don't trust him, and you don't know when he is lying. I trust my husband, I wouldn't even think of tracking him with an app, and so life is easy and relaxed.

Original poster
Worrywart21 · 16/11/2019 11:30

Thanks for the moral support.

OP posts:
MitziK · 16/11/2019 11:34

He's lying because he can. Because you get annoyed, but then let it go. Because he thinks you want him to marry you. Because it's fun being 'the Clever One' who stays out all night with a woman and, even when he has lied about it, you still want to believe that it's the male colleague that he was with all that time.

Anotherlongdrive · 16/11/2019 11:46

He lies. You have no idea who he is with or what he is doing. Even with the app, he lies.

Solitaryradiator · 16/11/2019 11:53

Why would be stay in a room with a male colleague until 8am? I’d seriously doubt this story.

Derbee · 16/11/2019 11:53

Definitely don’t marry him.

It’s not up to you whether he goes out all night or not when he’s away. He shouldn’t have to lie about it, but obviously lies about it because you’re unreasonable.

It’s not ok to spy on him with apps either. It must feel suffocating for him, and totally stressful for you. Not a sustainable way to hold down a relationship.

Something needs to change dramatically. If i were in his position, I would leave. I couldn’t be with someone so controlling and smothering. But maybe it should be you that leaves?

SameOldShitDifferentDay · 16/11/2019 11:54

You know when he promises to stop lying? That's just another lie.

I think you should take a step back and re read your messages. I cannot for the life of me imagine why you dont think you deserve better than this. And, even if you don't, why you are prepared to tolerate it!

Original poster
Worrywart21 · 16/11/2019 11:58

@Derbee

Unfortunately for him it is up to me whether he remains in a relationship with me and goes out all night whilst I stay home playing housewife looking after our two children.

I don’t think it’s acceptable behaviour or a dad or married man. In my opinion there is too many opportunities in a foreign country drinking and staying out all night. The respectful thing is to come home at a decent time.

I’m not controlling, just ask for behaviour that I find acceptable. He’s allowed to do whatever he wants I don’t hold him to ransom. I only ask for honestly so that if he is acting disrespectful then I can make my mind up knowing all the facts.

When he lies so bare faced then I think my partner is someone he isn’t. He’s acting like a teenager not a mid 30s man with responsibilities.

OP posts:
StrictlyNameChangin · 16/11/2019 12:05

Well, you know he's a liar. You strongly suspect he could cheat.
Marry him or don't marry him, but do it for what's the practical best for you and your kid without the emotion. Emotionally detatch from him, I'm sorry to say he doesn't give a shit about you. The only rain id go ahead and marry him would be if I was financially dependent on him and it meant that a divorce in due course woulds mean I got more (some) of his money. Find outv the legal situation of various scenarios. Be smart.

Innishh · 16/11/2019 12:06

What other lies has he told?
Are they all around the same topic?
How long has this been going on?
How long has he been working abroad?
How old are your DC?

What other options do you have which involve not nagging, spying or getting angry?

Original poster
Worrywart21 · 16/11/2019 12:10

Lies who he’s been with.
Taking drugs.
When he comes home.

Those are only ones I’ve found out about.

2 years ago I first discovered that when he texted saying he was in bed, he wasn’t. This has continued on a monthly basis. He stopped going away for a period o me time & it died down. Now he’s going back over I decided to take action with app to know the truth.

I have no options except to leave or put up with it. We’re so far down the line with kids and wedding that it feels like I just need to accept everything and anything.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/11/2019 12:11

If he's staying out til 8am, he's either banging a colleague or sex worker, gambling, or doing coke.

Which is more likely?

Original poster
Worrywart21 · 16/11/2019 12:11

Coke 100%. Again I’ve asked countless times not to.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 16/11/2019 12:14

You're not so far down the line with the kids and wedding - you will slowly loose your self esteem bit by bit by bit. You are worth so much more.

AgentJohnson · 16/11/2019 12:15

When are you going to accept that this is who he is and there isn’t a more truthful version of him waiting around the corner? Oh and another thing, he doesn’t lie because you might get angry because his lies already make you angry, he lies so you won’t challenge his behaviour.

Since he’s always been like this, you’ve decided to have kids with him and plan to get married, I’m curious as to why you keep doing the same things but keep expecting a different outcome.

The balls in your court and not his.

Original poster
Worrywart21 · 16/11/2019 12:17

Because it’s so so hard to leave it honestly is. And I minimise it and convince myself a it’s not that bad.

OP posts:
Greysparkles · 16/11/2019 12:19

So not only a liar, a drug user too. Jesus OP. Why in earth do you want this man around you and your kids

worriedmumtoteen · 16/11/2019 12:21

Why would you want to marry a lying drug user, op? Really?

I’d be ending the relationship and sorting out access and CM. This is no way for you to live. Why would you even be considering marrying him? I honestly can’t get my head around that,

He will not get any better.

worriedmumtoteen · 16/11/2019 12:21

He doesn’t care what you want or think. How can you trust him? Why is it hard to leave?

Innishh · 16/11/2019 12:23

Thought so - coke is always associated with sex. Yes this is what he is doing. Get an STI check, get your ducks in a row and move on. This is no way to live - it will leave you distracted. You need to be emotionally available / strong / present for your DCs you cannot be preoccupied with this - it will drain and destroy you.

Innishh · 16/11/2019 12:25

Also tracking him - he could have has someone in his room. Is it likely to be prostitutes?

Iamallatsea · 16/11/2019 12:29

He’s not going to change, I knew someone with diagnosed borderline personality disorder who lied about everything. Big things, small things, important things, unimportant things, told convoluted lies when the truth would have been much simpler. It was just the way he was, I think he enjoyed the thrill “ of getting one over someone else” even when caught out he showed no embarrassment just kept on lying. Even when doing nothing untoward he still lied about it. It was exhausting you could not trust a thing he said, if he said it was raining I would look out of the window to check.
He’s was just a friend, a good laugh, and I couldn’t bear the constant lying. I hear through other people he’s still the same. Divorced twice now.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/11/2019 12:31

The lying is a massive problem. Not just because it erodes trust (and of course he could be lying about other women), but it's his way of not dealing with issues. So what happens if you ever had health issues, or debt or problems with the dc, if his way of dealing with conflict is to lie, then you'll never sort anything out. I bet he's one of these men who are great as long as the waters are calm, but a fucking nightmare when issues arise.

I've lived with someone like your dp and it was one of the reasons he's now and ex. It got to the point I'd question everything he said. It's no way to live. In your shoes I'd not get married and call it a day until he matures enough and deals with the issues that are causing him to lie all the time