Lying so I’m not angry at him

[Worrywart21]

My Dp continually bare faced lies to me when he thinks I don’t know the truth and to save himself from dealing with me being angry.

He can be quite convincing and unless I have evidence I would believe him 100%.

We have been over this a million times yet he still continues.

This morning he has done it again. He’s abroad working and went out last night. I know for a fact he stayed out all night. When I called him at 8am he pretended quite convincingly that I had woken him up when in fact he was just in from his night out.

I do not trust a word he says. I’m sure he wouldn’t cheat but now can not be that sure. I’m conflicted. In a way I understand why he lies as he knows I’ll be unhappy that he’s stayed out so late. But on the other hand he works so hard all week and has been in his colleagues hotel room drinking and chatting.

He’s been caught out before and I’ve told him the lies just stop. Yet they continue. We’re due to be married in 6 months with 2 children and I want to be with him I’m just so, so fed up.

Is it reasonable for me to refuse to speak to him for a week until he’s home next week? Or do I let it go and understand why he lied?

I don’t enjoy being this paranoid person either. I just feel so vulnerable and I need the truth.

Please don't marry this guy, you will have this for the rest of your life, free yourself and have a nice fear free life

He will not give it to you. You know this - and he knows that if he does, you might leave him.

You are going to have to stick your head out of the window to check if he tells you the sky is blue every day of the rest of your life, he's that untrustworthy.

And he will still lie to you.

OP, I’ve been in your relationship. Unfortunately I made the mistake of marrying him. He’s now my exH.
He was a compulsive liar and it sent me insane. Constant second guessing, checking, trying to catch him out. When I did catch him out he would still lie and lie until I would threaten something, like end the relationship. Then he would cry, say he felt smothered, had no choice, knew I would be upset with him. He’s lying to protect me.
It’s only since I left him that I learnt about gaslighting and how his constant lying was not accidental.
He made me question my own sanity.
I was checking social media like a woman obsessed trying to catch him out. But do you know what? When I did catch him out it made me feel worse because it only confirmed what I already knew. That he was a liar.
He would lie about where he had been, who was there, what time he left. One night when he didn’t come home he even made up this elaborate story about trying to get a taxi, walking, crashing at a mates house. I later discovered he stayed at an ex girlfriends house. But of course he said nothing happened and he only didn’t tell me because he know I’d be angry about it.... she was at the party although he had lied and told me she wasn’t going.
I could give you a million examples.
Once I was divorced and properly free from him I felt amazing. I finally had a chance to believe in myself. I wasn’t going insane, I wasn’t a controlling, desperate, obsessed stalker! I was a normal person. It was him who wasn’t.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. He is lowering your standard of acceptable behaviour in both yourself and him, by repeatedly disregarding your boundaries.

A pattern of behaviour such as this is in fact abuse. What separates the abuser from the abused when both practise unhealthy behaviours? The perpetrator is the one who wishes the abuse to continue.

Is it possible that he is using coercive control against you, to force you to accept this erosion of your standards in silence?

You are not controlling OP - that is a red herring. If you have been emotionally triggered to anger, spying, nagging - it is because you are distraught and in despair because of his totally unreasonable behaviour.

His drug taking, all nighters and lying are shocking, contemptuous and disrespectful enough what other red lines do you need now? Have you both sanctioned and earmarked some of your family money for his drug habit? Do you need him to be shagging a colleague, a ONS, a prostitute?

Is that your red line?

@Worrywart21 'maybe it's my fault he lies'
Just read what you wrote and give your head a wobble.
ITS NOT YOU
BUT you are enabling him and allowing him to treat you like an idiot repeatedly.
You can't control what he does. You can't stop him from lying to you.
YOU CAN CONTROL HOW YOU REACT TO HIM AND YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR BOUNDARIES.

But unfortunately you don't appear to want to. You appear to want to moan to strangers about how awful he is and then completely ignore all of the excellent advice you have received on here .

In a year you'll be back on here saying ' DH is a liar and untrustworthy why won't he change '?

You keep saying you need the truth. So here is the truth.

You are marrying a liar. You are marrying a man you do not trust, who has turned you into a paranoid person you do not like. You gave a fake ultimatum that you would leave if he carried on lying, and he is still lying. This shows that lying is more important to him than you are. You stayed, and he now knows he can continue lying and you will do nothing.

He is not going to change.

So the fact of the matter is, you either marry a liar who stays out all night, and keep on with this spiralling into paranoia until you are so unhappy you leave. Or you decide that you do not want to marry a liar who does not respect you, and you end it.

It will end anyway. Your only control is when it ends.

That is the only truth you need.

You don't need the truth you need to know he is dishonest and you have that.

Leave. He will not change nor will he feel remorse or empathy for your stress

Ok here is the link to the full government legal guidance on coercive control law:

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

If you are financially trapped in the situation, or he makes it hard for you to leave, the law can help, even if there is no physical violence.

Please read it and stop breaking the law with regards to your own controlling behaviour (if applicable). Also explain to your partner which things he must stop. If he continues, then you can also collect evidence of his coercive control, show it to a court and gain injunctions to secure your freedom from him.

@Worrywart21

You're with someone who makes you feel vulnerable. Can you explain why you want to marry someone who makes you feel like this?

What are you hoping will happen in the relationship?

I'm reading all your posts thinking Christ, hes a horrible pathetic liar with a snout full of coke, why on earth would OP, who sounds lovely, just keep letting this person stay in her life. That's my honest reaction really.

He has so clearly shown you exactly who he is, many many times over... what are you hoping is going to change, honest question?

Have you told him that you stalk him on his phone? -No?

You are also a liar, aren't you?

See how easy it is?

*Have you told him that you stalk him on his phone? -No?

You are also a liar, aren't you?

See how easy it is?*

The OP did indeed tell her DP that she has tracked him.

Is it reasonable for me to refuse to speak to him for a week until he’s home next week? Or do I let it go and understand why he lied?

I guess that's why he lies. He's an adult, he's away, if he stayed up with his friends it's his call. I don't want a DP who tries to parent me, you are infantalizing him and he is therefore behaving like a child.

You can’t fix a habitual liar. You can’t.

What he is basically telling you is, “I lie because I don’t like your reaction to the truth.” Sometimes that’s learned behaviour out of fear because the reaction they’re expecting is OTT and abusive. Mostly it’s because their lives are just easier if they don’t have to deal with you reacting negatively at all. Either way there’s no path where this turns into a good happy trust-filled relationship. Don’t marry him.

@Worrywart21 save yourself the cost of a wedding and the cost of a divorce and walk away now...

He lies to you, he stays up all night in a different hotel room, he will never ever change and it will only get worse.

The thing is that he enjoys the life he has - drug taking with his mates abroad and almost certainly shagging other women, too. If you stay with him that will remain his future and you will drive yourself crazy. You'll be convinced (by him) that you are paranoid and just plain wrong.

Fast forward the film of your life five years, OP. You'll be more financially entwined with him. You'll feel too embarrassed to divorce him because the ink will be hardly dry on the marriage licence. You will be neurotic and having panic attacks and he will lie and lie and lie.

Why put yourself through that? Why not end it now and save your mental and physical health?

I 100% understand how it got so bad that you are tracking him, but actually the fact it’s so bad means you have to leave.

DH used to lie to me about stupid shit for fear of getting in trouble. It was ingrained from childhood and a reflex action to him. However, when I actually sat him down and explained how much it was ruining our relationship/my trust in him, he went to see a therapist to talk about his lying issues and he has not lied since (and this I am sure of). If your partner gave a shit or was going to change, he would have done so. It’s outrageous that you have a baby and he is taking drugs and lying about it. It’s outrageous to be in a relationship with a man who is frequently out all night doing god knows what and lying about it.

I really, really sympathise with you. This is not a relationship, is a pisstake and you need to leave.

Don't marry him. My ex was like this it turned out it wasn't just trivial shit he was lying about.

The signs are all pointing to the exit - heed them!

It's doomed.
You shouldn't rely on location apps. He could go out and leave his phone in his room or he could put the phone in airplane mode while in his room so his location doesn't update. These are the sort of tricks that teens use when they don't want their parents knowing their true location.

With each confrontation, he learns how you're catching him out and becomes a little more adept at lying.

You've issued ultimatums but he knows they're bullshit.

The next step is, on the next trip he puts his phone in aeroplane mode so his location doesn't update and you spend the night randomly calling to check his phone isn't on aeroplane mode. Or he tells you his phone is broken. Or whatever.

And men don't spend the whole night in a male colleagues hotel room.

This night is no different to any of the others.

Don't embarrass yourself

@Haffiana there wouldn't be any issue if he were honest. She isn't trying to trip him up, she is trying to convince herself it's normal for her partner to lie to her frequently about where he is

She's struggling to accept it because it isn't acceptable.

Your posts are madness.