Friend doesn’t think I will meet someone if

[Indigogoesblue]

...I want someone who matches my salary and stability.

I’m 33 and I earn 55k, have my own house for last 6 years (mortgaged!). I want someone who matches this. She tells me it’s unreasonable because most people aren’t in this position at this age. Is she right and are my expectations way off?

I wouldn't lead with it while dating.

No. Keep your standards OP! 33 leaves you loads of time go meet someone!

Where do you live? And what's your job?

I'm in Scotland.
None of my single Male friends earn that much and only two have their own mortgaged house. But that's a really high salary for Scotland.

They are all late twenties/early thirties.

I see nothing wrong with those expectations. Just make sure they match you on moral footing too!

I was in a high earning job, mortgage free house and business owner at your age. I totally understand why you would want someone with a similar lifestyle to yourself, and income/ property circumstances. Your friend does have a point, in that many people of your age range won't be in your situation. That risks you attracting a cocklodger who sees you as a woman with money (a situation I have recently had experience of, unfortunately) or someone may be intimidated by you. I don't think it is wrong to have expectations, but I am sure you would accept a partner who hadn't quite got there, but showed promise of being in your situation a few years down the line.

Your expectations may be a bit unrealistic, but I guess it depends on the circles you find yourself in.

Certainly, when I was in my mid to late 20s, I would say the vast majority of my friends probably earned this (I was a poor postgrad student, so I certainly did not!). You couldn’t have convinced me to date any of them for all the money in the world! They were lovely fun people to be friends with but they were selfish and materialistic and had no concept of the things in life that really mattered.

When I met my dh, we were students so had no money at all. Even in our early 30s we just about scraped by. Now late 30s, we have a very comfortable life. We did that by building our careers, but we were definitely still doing the building at 33. Dh probably made about 18k a year back then trying to build a business. He’s a company director and it’s definitely over 55k now.

So I wouldn’t be too quick to assume that someone who isn’t making loads of money in their early 30s is some waffling cocklodger. But it depends what you’re looking for. If you want a guy with a big City job, yes, maybe. Be mindful that comes at a price though, long hours, poor work life balance, etc.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with your expectations. Maybe consider those who have the drive and potential in their careers to get to a certain point if they aren’t there already.

I think you’ll make it harder; I don’t know many people on that salary and able to afford a house by themselves (I’m close to your age)

You want someone with a £55k salary? How will you establish how much they earn?

Most teachers are pretty hard working, intelligent, dedicated and professional people. Almost none on that salary.

Depends where you live.

Salaries vary quite a bit all over the UK. SW obviously highest.

How will you establish how much they earn?

What they do and how long they've done it for is usually a good indicator. What people do is generally covered pretty early in conversation.

I don’t know anyone who earns 55k.

You sound superficial.

Totally reasonable expectations and very sensible to want someone who matches you in terms of salary.

It will definitely make it harder to find someone, not many people earn that much so young, then throw in all the other compatibilities and I can't image there's going to be a lot to choose from.

And although having standards is great, you may well be over looking men who would be just right for you for one who just happens to be in the same financial position as you. When I met my OH he was on minimum wage, but he is great, treats me with love and respect and is much better all round than my ex who earned a fair bit more. He isn't on min wage anymore after a career change but still doesn't earn loads, but money isn't the be all and end all, there's more to life and relationships than money.

very sensible to want someone who matches you in terms of salary

Pretty shallow to me.

Of course YANBU.

Perfectly sensible requirements.

There's a lot of qualities I'd put before the ones on your list, to be honest.

She tells me it’s unreasonable because most people aren’t in this position

Hmm, she may be right but ….. there are plenty of people who are and I assume that you're only looking for one?

It's fine if you want that. But there are perfectly decent human beings out there who aren't on that kind of money at that young age.

Depends where you live. Somewhere commutable to London that's probably totally reasonable and you're not seriously limiting your choices. In a remote village in Wales, probably quite unrealistic.

It doesn't matter if we think it's a good idea or not, if it's important to you then it is. You can't pretend you don't care if you actually do.

Is she right and are my expectations way off?

She's right that it will limit your pool of suitors, I think that's perfectly OK when something is really important to you (money, in this case).

As a PP says most caring and service professions are out, presumably you want to avoid someone who gives back to society. Being materialistic is a must, what are the other reasons that them being wealthy matters so much?

Given the limited pool I think you will need to be flexible on things like character or looks to focus on earnings.

How will you establish how much they earn?

I think this is going to need to be a first date question. No point wasting time on those with different values (and value).

Don't settle- there'll be people that meet those criteria. IDK if you want tips but you could try like an OLD dating site that specifically says it's for young professionals, or charges quite a bit, or whatever. I think meetup.com also has some groups that might include some of your target group. x

So say you meet a really lovely guy who you have loads of chemistry with but earns £35k as a teacher in the same school for 10 years. Are you really going to ditch them on grounds of salary?

I thought you were going to say a figure in the high six figures or something. The only thing I can think of is you may have left it a bit late because many people are paired off by that age and men (assuming you are heterosexual) are starting to branch off and only date younger women, but even then if you are in London the remaining pool should be big enough to find someone. 55k isn’t that much. If you are willing to date someone older/less attractive you should be able to find someone easily.

I met DH at 33 and he made 100k+ (and I was an underpaid secretary but bought an apartment young). The thing is, I didn't even know what his job was when I fell in love with him and started a relationship. He could have been bankrupt for all I knew. He could almost smell women who flirted with him for his money and hated it. Still does hate people who are interested in his/our finances. Why is the money so important to you? I could understand drive and intelligence but why money? You have your own, what do you need his for?