Friend doesn’t think I will meet someone if

[Indigogoesblue]

...I want someone who matches my salary and stability.

I’m 33 and I earn 55k, have my own house for last 6 years (mortgaged!). I want someone who matches this. She tells me it’s unreasonable because most people aren’t in this position at this age. Is she right and are my expectations way off?

My friend was in a similar position to you, didn’t want to be taken for a ride financially - and around the same age. 5 years later she is married with a child to a man who earns around the same as her so it does happen!

The funniest part of her dating criteria is that she didn’t want to meet anyone from the area I’m from and live, but I’m fine to be her friend! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fair play for not wanting to get into a cocklodger scenario, there's many on here who have been burned by that. But the magic figure of 55k is no guarantee that you'll be getting someone with the same "values". You could meet someone on 60k and their own home who had the benefit of a private education, a job obtained through parental connections and a house bought with help from their parents. Is that really more attractive than someone who is on 30 or 40k who's got there entirely on their own merit? Or you could be with a high earner who managed to service a mortgage but pissed away the rest of their salary every month, compared to someone who earns less but was saving diligently for their own home. Again, which is really the better long term prospect?

Now if you're beating away suitors and you need to have some criteria to cut down the numbers then I suppose it's more understandable. But if you're serious about meeting someone to build a life with, maybe to have children with, I don't think money or material belongings should be your primary concern. Having a job, drive, pride in their work and ambition are all things that are desirable traits, but aren't necessarily reflected in a salary of that level when someone is still at a relatively early stage in their working life.

What do you actually do, OP?

OP keep your standards. My brother is 34 earns £125k pa owns his own home

If he has the same standards as OP though, he wouldn't date her as she doesn't earn enough. He wouldn't be able to have her 'bring to the table' what he does. He wouldn't even entertain her in the dating pool because she earns so little compared to him. So she'd be off his list straight away. A complete fannylodger, if you will.

I think you sound immature and blinkered OP. What Ind of upbringing did you have to make money, not morals, such an important factor in your life?

I’m guessing the following:

1. You’re not in London
2. You talk about money a lot

Whilst I don’t disagree with your wishes to have a partner of similar standing to you (earnings, stability, ambition, all helps to be on the same page) your descriptions of the chat you’ve had on dates makes me wonder if you’re getting into money chat wayyyyyyy too early.

Money chat on first dates is unattractive and odd putting. It can be at once taken as showing off to and vetting your date all in one.

Chances are you may be unintentionally leading with money chat to your friends too hence your OP.

I think you’re expectations are to high and you seem very shallow. You may well miss out on a very happy relationship and children.

Dh earned a crap wage for our first ten years together and I earned much more.

These days he earns a six figure salary with a 70% bonus on top.

What happens if your similar earning partner has a life changing experience and loses his job. Does he automatically get dumped? What if it happens to you?

If you’re in London then you’re fine you will meet someone who matches that. Anywhere else is the UK may be more tricky!

In my own experience, the men who had the money wanted a woman with looks and flexibility that she can travel at the drop of a hat, does not have any distractions like career or children, highly attractive. They didn't care what she earned as long as she made them feel good. I'm suggesting they went for airheads or gold diggers, but financial drive in a woman wasn't a priority.

I think you have limited your pool. Yes there will be guys mid 30s earning same or more but will you click? Will they be single? Will there be attraction? Will they want a career money driven woman?

Move to a big city, look gorgeous and hang around rich folks is my advice.

Op you have been asked and i'm genuinely curious how will you know what they earn? Linked in?
Do you drop the fact that you own your home 'have to pay the mortgage..' kind of comment?

In London this sort of salary at your age is pretty normal, back then before kids I was on a similar wage and had a nice life. It's about the circle you keep .. forget online dating because that could potentially throw up the odd red herring looking to free load. Don't disclose your earnings, don't flaunt your money and place of work business. I never told anyone outside work colleagues where I worked - it was a giveaway and always attracted the wrong type of attention! No reason why you can't set your standards high, good for you!

Given that women mature earlier than men and now have the equal access to education and opportunities it is going to be common that many of them will earn more. My DD and many of her friends out-earn their lovely, well qualified male partners ( unless the men are in IT and then they are well paid but a little nerdy).

I think it’s best to look at the man’s personality, his qualifications, his morals, attitude and drive as well as his salary. As others have pointed out, there are many male teachers, for example, who are lovely people but who will not be on anything like £55,000.

But generally, YANBU, OP. Nothing has changed since Jane Austen’s day, really, where it was not right to marry for money but foolish to marry without it. A decent income indicates an ability to work, responsibility, aspiration and other positive and necessary characteristics. You do not want a lazy, useless so and so who wants to live off your earnings.

Sorry i meant
I'm not suggesting they went for airheads or gold diggers, but financial drive in a woman wasn't a priority.

A man can be ambitious and still not earn as much as you. What if they have just started a new career path, but in 5 year times are earning double what you make?

You do sound shallow & imagine this will put a lot of men off. Making more money does not make a person better, which is what you clearly think. So imagine the men who do make more then you will see this and stay clear of you.

I agree with PaulHollywood. When I was OLD I would have been massively put off by any kind of money talk right at the beginning. And having divorced an abusive alcoholic I know that there are far more important things in life than money. I fortunately met a man with good values, who is kind and funny, who I find very attractive - all of which are far more important! He earns a huge amount more than me - I had no clue when I met him as he's not money-obsessed or showy.

You are certainly cutting down your pool of people... depends what’s important to you and how big your pool of suitors is.

If kids are important then it might be worth not having so many barriers as although 33 gives you time, usually with fertility you don’t know if there are problems until you try and if there are problems being younger would help. I don’t know how accurate fertility assessments are... but it is an idea

I have a colleague who is like this, she’s now in her mid 40’s, still hasn’t met anyone who meets her earnings criteria and is on the verge of a nervous breakdown as she wants children but it is now realising it is very very unlikely she would be able to become pregnant naturally or via fertility treatment.

My boyfriend doesn’t earn anywhere near what I earn, I only know approximately what he earns as he is a trainee in a very similar field to mine. I don’t care what he earns, I love him, not his bank balance.

Ex 1 was essentially unemployed due to a career that was fairly irregular work with short contracts. When our relationship ended (no hard feelings, still best friends), he had 7 figures in the bank two years later as his career gamble paid off. I loved him just as much when he had -£’s in the bank.

I think you are being too prescriptive. Whilst I could understand you looking for someone with ambition and a secure full time job, your need for him to earn the same as you or more is arbitrary and pointless, since it tells you precisely nothing important about a person.

Imagine you went on a date with a man and really hit it off. There's a huge spark between you and you talk all evening about your shared values and similar interests. You share the same sense of humour and fancy the pants off each other. Afterwards you receive a text from him saying that he's not interested because he earns £65k and has a portfolio of houses, and won't date someone who can't bring the same, or more, to the table.

You'd be thinking he was being a ridiculous, blinkered dickhead and you'd be right.

I think I agree with your friend.

To me in many ways you sound immature and lacking life experience. It would bother you if someone earned 50k a whole 5k less than you? What if you got made redundant and ended up on slightly less yourself? What if someone earned less but was wealthier than you? What if someone was a registrar doctor who in the future will way overtake you?

DH and I are financially secure, our house is not mortgaged by the way. We have had periods of time where I've earned more and periods of time when he's earned more. That is real equality surely? Financial security is more about how you manage money (ie you spend less than you earn) rather than your salary.

You need to stop seeing this as a mathematical calculation and instead look for someone with the same attitude to life and money who you click with. Small differences in salary are not relevant to anything.

You cant help what turns you on OP

BUT I don't think it's shallow to want someone similar to you with similar attitudes to money. Money causes problems in relationships if people have different attitudes to it. Some like to spend some like to save and be secure the two are highly incompatible.

All the people saying teachers can’t earn £55,000- they can in (inner) London. I’m 28, a teacher in London and I earn £52,000.

£55,000 isn’t at all unusual in London, out of all my university friends I get paid the least. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP, but it does depend on where you’re looking. In your area is it unusual to be on that money or more/ have property etc? If it is, then your dating pool is probably going to be quite small. If you move somewhere like London, your dating pool will be much larger.

If those are your standards and you’re sure about them, don’t lower them just because of your friend!

All the people saying teachers can’t earn £55,000- they can in (inner) London. I’m 28, a teacher in London and I earn £52,000.
You're a normal classroom teacher with 6 years experience max on over £50k?
Or do you have a TLR/leadership spine role?
Inner London classroom teacher salary for U3 after 11/12 years of teaching is £49,571.

£52,000 in most areas of England would be senior leadership in a reasonable sized secondary school. Some smaller secondary schools and primaries would have people on SLT in the £40ks.

I'm not really sure what "I'm a teacher in the capital and earn X which is clearly not the norm at all, so other teachers totally can earn lots" offers

I do think you are possibly excluding a lot of potential men with this wage bracket! Why is massively important that they need to match it?
If a man was asking this of a woman we would think he was a bit of a twat lets be honest!

You could meet someone who earns 55k and treats you badly and makes your life miserable?

I would personally rather be with someone on an average income who treats me like a princess and loves me unconditionally.

@LolaSmiles

Classroom teacher + TLR.

I’m just pointing out it’s not impossible for a late 20s, early 30s teacher (in London) to earn over £50,000.

It's sensible to be looking for a partner with similar earning potential and drive. Then you're less likely to have the financial issues later on that some MNetters do.

You'd be best talking about people's jobs and plans than their actual salary though.

DH is younger than me and I earned considerably more than him initially. A few years later he'd overtaken me and has kept on going.

OP I would also say keep your standards, they are not unrealistic at all and whilst on the surface may appear materialistic to some, I feel points to a deeper life view you want to share with your partner. I am getting mightily fed up of women being told to lower their standards or end up alone. You are 33 and have plenty of time but at the end of the day I'd rather be alone than with a man who thinks women have to put up with their subpar behaviour. For what it's worth I say that as the main earner but when DH and I met it was level peggings. Since then I have overtaken him by some way but I couldn't have done it without his significant help and support although he doesn't see it that way at all. I feel as if we did it together and am enormously grateful to him. However I would feel resentment very quickly if we came into our relationship on the salaries we earn now and I was providing a financial benefit to a person that had not built that financial security with me, one way or another.