Friend doesn’t think I will meet someone if

[Indigogoesblue]

...I want someone who matches my salary and stability.

I’m 33 and I earn 55k, have my own house for last 6 years (mortgaged!). I want someone who matches this. She tells me it’s unreasonable because most people aren’t in this position at this age. Is she right and are my expectations way off?

It's not unreasonable but I wouldn't let it be a deal breaker. But then I'm an old romantic and I don't really believe in tick boxes. I think you like who you like.

Not sure what the point of this thread is OP. You're entitled to have whatever standards you want, but you must know that this limits the amount of men who will meet them. Your friend is not being unreasonable and I don't know why you'd be surprised by this.

I mean it’s totally your choice! I spent my early 30s dating and men discounted me for lots of reasons: I had kids, I was too tall, I had dark hair. Their choice.

For me, I didn’t look for someone earning the same as me, I looked for someone with similar values. Work ethic was one of those values. I met the most wonderful man who earns 25k less than me. Genuinely the happiest I have ever been.

Good luck, I hope you find someone who suits you and makes you happy.

I don’t see how it’s shallow.
I hope to get a pay rise and I would hope someone else my age would too!!
So what if you get your pay rise and he doesn't?
You end up on £75k and he remains on "only" £55k? Are you going to ditch him because you've decided he should have had a pay rise and not getting it is some slight or failing of his personality?

You sound very shallow because there is a world of difference between:
A) I'm successful in my career. I'm looking for a partner who is equally successful because I admire drive and ambition in a partner.
B) I earn £55 and expect a potential partner to be bringing that to the table. I work hard and would expect them to too. I'd expect to get a pay rise and would also be expecting them to get pay rises too

One is about finding someone who aligns with your values and where you have similar outlooks on life and finances. The other is quite crudely financially driven and suggests someone who rates other people's worth and drive by their pay check.

I think it's reasonable to want a partner with a good work ethic with aspirations and drive and a decent job. I think it's weird to have a specific figure.

But I met my partner at 2 when we were poor students. Now at 34 we are still pretty poor, but hey ho.

I think you are too fixated on an actual amount to be honest. Financially secure, decent job, totally fine. But by saying it has to be the same as or above yours, you are limiting the pool quite a lot. Some men will already be partnered, others divorced or with children etc.

I dated someone who earned more than you. I am now married to someone who earns minimum wage. I know which one I will be growing old with. The one who is kind, loving and reliable. His job always came first with my ex, which is fine in theory, but does become wearing when things happen.

I didn’t look for someone earning the same as me, I looked for someone with similar values.

But I think that is what OP wants. She sees money as defining the value of a person and wants someone who feels the same.

Them 'bringing to the table' a pot of cash is how OP measures worth, so far better to be honest about it than waste time on attributes like kindness or decency don't add value in this transaction.

P.S. Welcome to MN, OP. Interesting first post.

You’re not unusual, OP. Try a six figure salary when trying to date men who earn a quarter of that, and then we’ll talk.

I am a bit older than you and now married but when I was single I was working hard, had a decent salary and my own flat and I had the same expectations as you, perfectly reasonable for many reasons. I am talking from experience.

Sonata is that you? If so do you find it hard?

Yes, and yes. In fact, I find it so impossible I’ve given up and resolved to enjoy what my wealth can buy me.

I would give up everything tomorrow for a husband and family (obviously not realistic, which I fully realise!) but it doesn’t work like that.

Depends where you live. A lot of people would be on that at your age in London (I was and so was dp.)

I do get you though. I used to live with someone who didn't earn well and then he quit his job and let me support him. That pissed me off. I felt like we weren't working towards the same future.

If they were a professional and enjoyed their job, and worked hard, I don't think I would get too hung up on the actual salary though.

If you are willing to date someone older/less attractive you should be able to find someone easily.

LOL. You sound like they're on a shelf in the local supermarket!

I wouldn’t not date someone on 40k or 50k. But it would bother me and I would need to understand whether they wanted to do something about it. So it’s just easier if they earn the same or more.

I don't think there is anything shallow about looking for a partner who shares your values, ambitions, drive, work ethic.

Would you consider either -
A person who is career driven and on track for success but not quite where you are yet?
Someone a bit older?

But it would bother me and I would need to understand whether they wanted to do something about it.

I would spend some time thinking about why is bothers you so much.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting someone to earn the same or similar salary
However I think you might be single for a long time if you have such a particular amount as a cut of point
All my friends who have put certain restrictions on guys they want to date are still single years later and quite bitter with it

I’m in the SE (London commuter) and your salary is not unusual or high. Many of my friends bought houses or property before the crash and as such, have a good investment in their property. Someone like you could rule them out for only being on £50k without looking at their bonuses, additional perks (cars, mobiles, expenses and allowances etc) and also the fact they have many times your salary in equity.

I don’t see a problem with it if you find someone I’d thr dame intelligence level they are going to be in the higher income bracket - why would you want to carry someone I wouldn’t

I find it very odd (and shallow) that you are looking at earnings and property ownership. That's not the stuff relationships are made of.

Wanting someone with similar personality traits - ambitious, career focused (if you are - depends where you live, in London that salary is pretty average for your age), wants stability etc, is fine. But I would think they would also be alongside a dozen or more other things, many of which are more important - honesty, sense of humour, intelligence, etc.

I don’t think you’re shallow. DH and I both earn around the same amount as you and it is helpful that we don’t have to stress about me wanting expensive holidays and him not being able to afford it etc etc. We pool our money but I would worry about resentment if one of us was contributing disproportionately.

I also don’t think £55k is much, I’m in London aged 30, DH is 33, I don’t know many people earning less than that. The only ones I do know are in managerial roles in the charities sector, but even then they’re doing well within their sector, bright and ambitious.

I do think you’re narrowing your options by leading with it but frankly you hear so much about cocklodgers on here it’s a risk I’d be willing to take.

Id say you perhaps need to be more targeted/strategic about where you look for men though, so that you’re in a situation where it’s very unlikely you wouldn’t meet someone who fits that criteria. Where are you looking? Back when I was single I did the Lovestruck London dating site where you dated based on your work and home locations, my work postcode being in the city meant I was unlikely to match with anyone who didn’t do something similarly professional so usually earning at least the same as me.

I don’t see a problem with it if you find someone I’d thr dame intelligence level they are going to be in the higher income bracket

Not if they have chosen to use their intelligence in a profession that doesn’t attract a high salary, such as teaching.

I wouldn’t not date someone on 40k or 50k. But it would bother me and I would need to understand whether they wanted to do something about it. So it’s just easier if they earn the same or more.

I take it you'd also end the relationship if you were made redundant? Or they were made redundant? Because money is everything.
What about long term illness? Would you leave your partner of 15 years because they needed to leave their job?

Interesting thread, it reminds of the one not so long ago where a poster argued for pages and pages about setting earning thresholds for future partners because they are a high earner but if they had children she'd expect to be kept in her chosen lifestyle

No if something happened or they were redundant that’s a different situation!