Friend doesn’t think I will meet someone if

[Indigogoesblue]

...I want someone who matches my salary and stability.

I’m 33 and I earn 55k, have my own house for last 6 years (mortgaged!). I want someone who matches this. She tells me it’s unreasonable because most people aren’t in this position at this age. Is she right and are my expectations way off?

You and your friend are both right. There’s nothing wrong with your expectations but it will limit the pool from which you fish.

Stick to your guns OP. Don’t accept second best.

Basically you want someone ambitious and aspirational like you which is absolutely fine. I think some areas of the uk have a higher concentration of people like that so depending on where you live, it might just limit your options. Go out to expensive places to find your people!

I do think it’s wise to look for a partner that’s an equal, it makes for less disparity in a relationship. For me, it’s not about the salary amount but a work ethic and being able to pay their share of bills. I wouldn’t want a work shy partner even though I can supply myself.

I think you could be missing out on someone special to be honest. A good salary means nothing bar money.
I used to work in high end IT job, earning extremely well. Due to family circumstances, I gave it up, and now work in the charity sector. Moneys not comparable but the job satisfaction is amazing. That's my priority right now, not the money. In still the same person, and in some ways better. My other half knew me in both jobs (friends in the previous job and got together later) and thank god didnt take the same view as you. The answer is in the individual not the job role.

Have to say as well, in the higher end job, alot of the men were arses. They think they are a good catch and can buy happiness on the meantime.
I'd suggest keeping your eyes on the ideal but dont discount anyone

Are you in London op? That makes a big difference.

Stick to your guns OP. Don’t accept second best.

FWIW I don’t think choosing a partner based on who they are rather than the contents of their wallet (if they’re financially secure) is settling for second best. Maybe it’s because I know lots of lovely people earning far less than that doing things like teaching disabled children.

When I met my husband at 31 I earned over £10,000 more than him, this was 1997, now he earns 3x more than me due to him having better prospects, at the time he was studying and gaining experience in his field.

Sounds like you are viewing it as a potential business arrangement not a loving relationship. It's seems sad and yes will be limiting your choices

In Birmingham, hospital doctor.

I think part of it is to do with wanting to work. I’ve met so many people who are indifferent to their job or just do it to pay bills and consistently looking for other ways to cut cost so they can basically buy time to do nothing. I find that so unattractive. Yes there are teachers earning less but working hard. Generally though there’s plenty of men wanting to be taken care of financially, alongside taking no interest in a career. Not always, but often, career passion and money come together

I just think it will be a bit harder but my best friend met someone who also earnt similar (100K), no house though, but it definitely is possible. Most I know have partners who earn much less and find it frustrating at times.

I guess you have completely different ideas about life to other people, and that’s okay. Some people do view marriage as a business / life agreement where it’s more about being some sort of business partnership than a romance.

And that’s great whilst you’re young, fit and healthy. But as you get older priorities and expectations do change. There’s nothing wrong with people wanting to work less / stop work altogether- it’s a very western concept to judge your life and your achievements based on your career and earning potential.

I married my husband 20 years ago when we were both earning £20k ish ... I admired his drive and knew he would be successful although I didn't marry him because of this , I do sort of get where the OP@Indigogoesblue is coming from .. you want someone with similar work ethics and ambition and you equate this to a monetary value .. go for it , don't settle if you don't want to.. it's up to you .. I guess your friend and others are saying you may not find it but def worth looking .

I kind of get what you mean but for me salary can fluctuate so I wouldn't be too rigid. So long as their ambitions and pro-activity matched mine I wouldn't be too concerned if salary wasn't as high as mine, 33 is still quite young and different career paths have different trajectories.

You could be limiting yourself if you're too rigid, personality and values are more important, but there's nothing wrong prioritising values such as ambition and financial independence! I just wouldn't put numbers to it.

You're looking for someone driven and ambitious - have you thought about how hard it is to actually form a relationship with someone like that? How they are never in the same time zone for long enough to date you, how they put work before your birthday or Christmas? That they HAVE to be like this because it's who they are, they aren't suddenly going to change because they are with you?

It's fine when you are both working individuals. It's bloody rough when you're at home with a baby that won't sleep and he's in Japan for the third time this month and will only be back - and jet lagged - for four days before he's off again and you will 'just have to manage'.

I don't think it's wrong but I think it's narrow minded and limiting, i.e. not working in your favour.

Do you have a submissive streak perhaps, sexually? That would explain it, to a degree.

Would you date someone in a vastly different financial position as an fwb at least? You could be waiting for your prince in shining armour a long time!

@Zaphodsotherhead you have a very specific expectation of what an ambitious person does. Not all ambitious people wear suits, go on business trips to japan and are incapable of maintaining relationships

It's just an example @OrangeTeal! Of course not everyone is like this, but if OP is dead set on dating an ambitious driven high earner, then she's going to come up against a fair few of these!

And a lot of them are like this.

Find a train driver, they will earn much more than 55k usually.

Don't drop your standards OP. If you don't find ambitionless men attractive then don't settle for one. I think it's entirely reasonable to expect that your life DP will bring the same as you to the relationship. Values are very important IMO and if a good work ethic is one of your values then I wouldn't try to change simply in order to meet someone. Who you are and what you value in life are essential to your well-being and it's not like you're expecting someone to earn a ridiculous amount - you want someone professional and ambitious like yourself. Stick to your guns.

have you thought about how hard it is to actually form a relationship with someone like that? How they are never in the same time zone for long enough to date you

And this is utter nonsense! Plenty of medics, lawyers, bankers, IT professionals and business people make £55k and don't spend their lives flying around the globe. I sometimes wonder what planet a lot of people on MN inhabit where this would be the norm. If the OP was saying she wanted to meet a millionaire, then fine, but she's mentioned a perfectly reasonably salary for a 30-something professional in the second largest city in the UK.

While I can’t speak for how I’d feel ‘alone at home with a baby’ I can say with absolute certainty I have no problem with someone working late, working overseas every now and then or missing my birthday!!! We’d just celebrate another time surely? That’s exactly the sort of man I want! Hardworking, ambitious and supportive of each other in doing that.

This can't be real, surely?

When I met DH he was unemployed, I was 30 and in a fairly shit job. He borrowed money from his best mate for our first date. You can tell when someone is hard working, it's nothing to do with the figure on their payslip either. It's innate in their personality. He is also kind, funny, generous, lots of friends, a good person etc etc. It's worrying that none of that is on your list tbh.

Anyway, ten years down the line we both earn decent money. Point is, money is such a small thing to be bothered about at the early stages of a relationship.

To be fair, OP has dated 2 men who have openly admitted to wanting an easy ride, it’s more the attitude that comes with the salary.

I think the difficulty is that as soon as the OP says she is a doctor, people will know straight away she's on a good salary, especially outside London. It will attract a certain type of freeloader.

Oh and men travelling incessantly isn't limited to real high flyers. Salesmen can do a lot of travel for a salary not too dissimilar to the OPs.