Friend doesn’t think I will meet someone if

[Indigogoesblue]

...I want someone who matches my salary and stability.

I’m 33 and I earn 55k, have my own house for last 6 years (mortgaged!). I want someone who matches this. She tells me it’s unreasonable because most people aren’t in this position at this age. Is she right and are my expectations way off?

It’s very hard to make it work on a practical level when the man earns much less. You end up subsidising him or leaving him out of nice experiences if he can’t afford him. Like others on this thread, I’ve dated men who seemed like they could handle a successful woman but it quickly became clear they couldn’t. It’s all very well focusing on a love match but how do you make it work day to day?

*if he can’t afford them

I totally agree with you OP! I’m not so bothered about the salary figure specifically but certainly I’d want to be with someone who is financially independent with their own home and some drive and ambition and passion. These are important values to me. I’ve been skint, I’ve been in serious debt, I got myself out of it into a secure financial position now. It wasn’t easy and I will never go back there.
I think it comes down to core values. I’m a big believer in working hard and playing hard. Everything I have is mine and whilst I may one day meet someone I’d be happy to share with, id prefer that we started on a relatively equal footing

I could give someone a very easy ride indeed if I wanted to, but obviously I’m not going to do that and I’m very wary of ending up in that situation unintentionally.

To all those saying that 55k isn't a high salary - it really is outside London. (And a person on 55k in London would be unlikely to own a house).

Only about 20% of the tax paying population earn over 50k. And even fewer of these will be as young as mid 30s.

She will most likely be able to find that salary in an older man. But he will be more likely to have children and be paying 20% of his income in child maintenance, so still won't match her spending power.

So yes she's limiting her options. It's up to her if she thinks it's worth it.

Jobs come and go though. Also when you meet someone you have no idea if you’ll marry them. When I met now DH he was unemployed. He was also kind, caring and good fun. I didn’t find it out for many months but he had made some money and paid off his mortgage and didn’t need to work. Later he got jobs earning 4 or 5 times what I earned. He was the main earner by miles. Last year he was unexpectedly made redundant and cannot find a job. Thankfully my skills are now in demand and I’m about to double my salary in a new job. He has no job on the horizon. I could not have got here without his support. He has essentially paid for the house, school fees etc for years. Now it is my turn to take on the main earner role. Imagine if he had said at the outset he couldn’t date me as I earned little or I had dismissed him as he was unemployed. I don’t think relationships are about finances. They are about shared values and drive.

The thing is, you're entitled to want what you want OP, but the way you're expressing it isn't very attractive.

It's all very well to stick to a criteria when dating, but you also need to find somebody who likes you, and this fixation on a very specific earning potential isn't necessarily that likeable.

So you might find a man who earns 55k and owns his own home at 33, but finding a single one who likes you and isn't put off by your attitude might be a different matter.

I struggled with this as a high earner, my advice to talk about job aspirations early on

Oh dear.

There's nothing wrong with wanting someone with the same desire in terms of ambition and drive. But you're basing that on pure financial information. It won't serve you long term. I was probably a bit like that when I was younger.

As it happens my exh was sleeping on a mates floor when I met him, I had a decent job, my own house. By the last couple of years of our marriage he was earning 3x what I was. Current Partner wasn't earning big either, but had so many qualities that I knew were important (and lacking in my exh), he's now also out earning me.

You're writing people off before you know what they're capable of.

Why don't you just look for someone who works in medicine, like you?

Come on now, £55k is not a high salary, even here in bonny Scotland where according to Mumsnet everyone earns 10p and every property costs 20p. It's a good professional salary for someone in their early 30s but I don't think you can say more than that.

I think it's entirely reasonable to want to date someone on a similar career trajectory to you.

If I was re-marrying to be perfectly honest I wouldn't be interested in anyone who didn't earn a lot more than £55k. That includes most of my colleagues and DHs colleagues (law and finance in Edinburgh).

I agree 55 isn’t that high I think people are getting too caught up on the money aspect the OP just wants someone in a similar position to her and who is career is going somewhere. For all the warnings of ‘cocklodgers’ on here you would think Mn would support that.

It's never unreasonable to have whatever criteria you want when dating, but you do of course have to be aware that the more specific you make it, the more people you're ruling out. Some of the people you're ruling out might not earn the same as you, but could be your perfect partner in every other way.

Money isn't everything, but then again it's up to you. You have plenty of time to meet someone.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If you mix in educated circles then most people will have a decent salary or be well on their way to earning a decent salary by their early 30's. I'm sure that you will have some flexibility in the figure that they earn depending on their individual circumstances etc eg if they have just taken a year sebatical to do something charitable or studying to improve their long-term prospects.
I certainly wouldn't have ever considered a long term relationship with someone who couldn't afford for me to be a SAHM for a few years after having babies without it having a negative impact on our standard of living. That's not because I was a gold digger but because I consider it to be important for children to have their mum around when they are pre school age. Now my youngest is at school, I am back working and actually making considerably more than I was pre-babies thanks to having retrained around being a SAHM. Nobody can afford to plough head first into a relationship without considering the financial implications, who will be providing if you should have children in the future and also without considering any resentment caused by unequal incomes.

Earning more than 80% of the population is a very good salary. It's not anywhere near rich of course, but it still means the OP has eliminated more than 80% of men her own age ( as the numbers earning this amount will be skewed to older age groups).
But then, I live in Wales where a salary of 30k is considered good. 🤷‍♀️

If you want a partner that has an ambitious job amd travels and you work shifts as a hospital doctor, who is going to take care of that child that you want? Because men like that don't care how the childcare is planbed, that will be left to you. And as you are a hospital doctor that could be challenging. Basically you have to be prepared to be a single mum practically, can you do that?

It’s just a bit mad really. I just met a guy and loved him for who he was. Granted we don’t have anywhere near 55k. But your limiting your choices I think. Loads of nice guys will be earning loads less than u.

I’ve seen so many threads on mumsnet in the last few days saying salaries in the 50s upwards aren’t “high”. Sorry but unless you live in the centre of London of course they bloody are! We live in South Norfolk and if anyone sees a job advertised for more than £25k people are and think it’s a lot of money. Whereas when I lived in London even an entry level job was very near to that. I used to work in recruitment and some of the chief executive positions (in Norfolk) we recruited for had salaries of about £80k but most of the mid management salaries were about £25-30k across lots of different fields. I think the whole “high salary” thing is so area dependent.

My dh works in a very niche field with lots of specialised training and he has a senior job title and works full time for .... £18k. Which is more than a lot of others in his office earn...!

It’s all relative isn’t it.

When I worked as a senior marketing manager I was earning £45k and didn’t work half as hard as my dh.

When I met DP he was unemployed. We're married now and he earns 60k. I wouldn't judge a book by it's cover.

@Indigogoesblue I’ve worked alongside many junior doctors and registrars and they tend to date or get into relationships with people in the same profession funnily enough. I don’t think it’s wrong for you to expect to be with someone with the same work ethic. Maybe look at earning potential and a good work ethic though rather than initial salary. Some junior doctors will be registrars within 5 years earning considerably more for example.

When I met DP he was unemployed. We're married now and he earns 60k. I wouldn't judge a book by it's cover

Conversely, my PILs were delighted when SIL married a bank manager, but shortly afterwards he threw in the job and went tree planting.

Your friend is right. Unless you mix with a lot of men with high incomes - I don't, but suppose it depends on your background. If you know lots of men that are loaded then you might be right. To me, 55k a year is a very high earner.

Depends op. Are you unusual in your circles - do you earn significantly more than all of your friends / social circle. Are you on a high salary for your job / location (where I am that would be distinctly mediocre - I was earning twice that a decade ago so on your reasoning if I was a man I wouldn't have touched you with a barge pole).

I sort of get where you are coming from but think you have it all wrong. What you are looking for is someone with similar life goals. My husband was earning about what you do when I met him. He now runs his own business with my support and earns significantly more than me. We had similar ambitions. I totally get you don't want a cocklodger but ruling someone out because the currently earn £5k less than you is ridiculous and you'll probably miss the one for you.

Sorry op just read the full thread. I would say your biggest issue will be finding someone that matches with you intellectually. Plenty of lawyers, accountants and doctors in Birmingham. You'll be fine.