Friend doesn’t think I will meet someone if

[Indigogoesblue]

...I want someone who matches my salary and stability.

I’m 33 and I earn 55k, have my own house for last 6 years (mortgaged!). I want someone who matches this. She tells me it’s unreasonable because most people aren’t in this position at this age. Is she right and are my expectations way off?

In fairness @LolaSmiles there’s stacks of stuff I wouldn’t go into out of choice but would support my husband through, and I say that as someone who has watched my dad become chronically disabled with MS. My mum married a fit healthy man, she’s now a carer. She’d never leave him - or tell me to leave DH if he became very ill - but she’d caution me strongly against going into that scenario from the get go. I’m not sure you can compare what you’d do when in a LTR compared to what you accept on date 1.

If thats important to you then thats your choice. What if you met someone earning 75k though? Would that be acceptable?
Or someone on 40k who has paid off their mortgage?
The most important thing to me though is work ethic and ambition.

Dollywilde
But the OP is fixated on the money and views even £5k difference as an unacceptable difference where she'd want to know what they'd do about it, and she'd expect him to be getting pay rises because she will etc.

Unfortunately that sort of money obsession makes the questions about redundancy etc valid because someone that fixated on someone's pay slip is probably someone who'd end up resenting a partner who got made redundant (probably also someone who thinks that high pay is a sign of hard work too).

What if the guy earns £60k and thinks you're a slacker on your paltry 55? Why should he be wasting his time with you?

@lolasmiles

Fair point, but I think it’s less about the amount than using it for a shortcut to working out what kind of person they are. Maybe I’m projecting but it’s easier to discern salary/job title than values on a first date.

Personally I love that DH and I are both on salaries in that region as we’re both planning to go down to 4 days when we have a DC and that makes me feel less worried about getting shafted in the way I (sadly) see many on here be.

I definitely don’t work as hard as my friends in the charity sector so don’t believe hard work and money are the same thing but I do believe being paid a similar amount makes life SO much easier.

Dolly that’s exactly what I mean

I definitely wouldn’t associate money with hard work, I’m not stupid enough to think less money means less intelligence!

I think it’s limiting quite a bit. I’m 31 and earn around £5000 a month after tax but I’m only part time (I work around child care hours for my dd) my maximum working hours are 30 per week and I only generally work term time (I occasionally work some days during summer holidays as business requires but always have Christmas and Easter off). According to some I lack ambition career wise as I am happy where I am (less responsibility than I could have for less pay but I like my work life balance as it is and don’t feel the need to develop further skills)

My DH brings home around £1600 a month. He works for the nhs in a higher stress job and works around 40 hours a week. He arguably has the harder job to be honest as lives will depend on him doing his job correctly. He doesn’t have Christmas off or summer due to staffing issues these times of year. He is constantly trying to go for career advancements and training but usually gets knocked back which is heartbreaking for me to see.

Looking at our salaries according to your specification he wouldn’t be suitable (due to his salary) however he is a kind man and passionate about the service he provides. He’s never going to earn my wage in his career, even full time but that’s okay for me as we are a team. I don’t see his wage in any different light to mine at all and we share everything completely. I think you need to focus less on their actual wage and more on the person they are

I think what your friend is kindly trying to say to you is stop being such a cold fish as it’s attracting some right pricks.

Other than earning over 55k and having a house, what do you want in a man? Focus on those aspects first and you might find someone a bit nicer.

I definitely wouldn’t associate money with hard work, I’m not stupid enough to think less money means less intelligence!
And yet you say it would bother you if someone earns a little less than you.

Are you likely to have any promotions in future or have you peaked ? That could make a difference .
I think you’ll naturally gravitate to someone with similar ideals and salary scale .
Don’t see anything intrinsically wrong with wanting a partner who earns the same or similar salary to you . It’s all about achievement and ambition after all . It’s easier to be happy with enough money than none .

It’s more about meeting someone who’s right for you ... ffs someone who salary matches.. you need to stop and think what you emotionally want ... best mate ... someone who makes u laugh until it hurts... someone you love to see them when u get home from work even 20 years down the line
I earn more - do I care NO! I want to be with someone I want to grow old with, have laughs with, and love to the bare bones. Omg I mix with people in a range of jobs and salaries - do I care what they earn?
Start living in the real world and meet a real person.. warts and all stop being so superficial.

It’s a tricky situation.
How would you know what they earn after the initial date? It’s not something you would talk about.
I’m a single mum and work, at the moment I don’t know what I want. I can provide for my children and don’t want to rely on anyone.
How many children do you have?

How did you get your own home? Savings? The bank of parents?

I have a friend who has had a lot of negative reactions from men she has met dating about her earning more and being a home owner. They made it quite obvious they were uncomfortable about being the lower earners. Maybe that’s something the OP is familiar with/has experienced?

Most men can’t handle it. It makes them feel emasculated. Sad but true!

I am glad to see a younger woman who is very clear that she will not be taking on a male dependant (i.e "cocklodger" in MN terms).
I was a woman with my own home and car. I met a man who had his own business. I can't remember what my income was at that time but I had two-thirds equity in my house. This man moved into my house and after a short time, we got married and had a baby. He was useless with the baby, he kept taking my car, I was back at work within weeks of the birth because he was going bankrupt once again. I put him out and he was very nasty about having lost his comfy spot.
Baby is an adult now and he has never paid a penny in all these years for the child but is now claiming that he did.
OP really does not want to have a partner or husband like this. I think she is very sensible to be clear on what she wants and that she will not put up with some man living off her

I completely understand this OP.
Have been married 2x
Of course I didn't start out a high earner but with more education and promotions, my career took off and DH1 became very resentful and jealous of it and deliberately tried to sabotage me.
It was quite hurtful as I was with him because I loved him. He worked hard and made a good average income so he had nothing to be ashamed of for sure.

DH2 he knew from the beginning about my career and he always said he admired my intelligence, etc. I truly thought I had found someone who accepted me for me. He also worked hard and the job didn't pay all that much but I thought his job was pretty awesome. It was a bit creative. 2 years into the marriage, he was made redundant and after that, refused to find another job. He would sit around and play video games do fuck all. He became an psychologically abusive cocklodger. He told me he didn't need to look for work as I made plenty.
When we separated he told me he was resentful and felt beneath me because of my career.

So, if you're female and a decent earner, it's risky to be with a man earning less. Many men can't deal with a woman who earns more or is more intelligent. I'm sure there are some out there, but not in my experience. Other women in my career have experienced similar.

I earned much more than that when I was 23. It seemed important at the time.
Now I am nearer twice that age (so much more than that was a big deal over 20 years ago, at 23 years of age)

Now, with life experience and some real maturity behind me, I can tell you it’s all bollocks.

Find someone who makes you feel good, makes you laugh, who makes you want to do nice things for them because that would make you feel happy.

I earn similar to op and wouldn’t dream of expecting a partner to earn the same

DH earns less but still a very good wage in my opinion and he’s so happy and hard working I wouldn’t dream of expecting him to move jobs just for a jump in salary just in the same way that I don’t plan on jumping ship in my comfortable job for a £20k payrise when they come about

Forgot to mention - my exh earned double what I did. But he was an emotionally abusive bully.

Money doesn’t make a good husband

Ok. So his on £60K, Your together 2 years.
He then gets made redundant,
What then?
He has no money, struggles to find a job

Or

He gets sick, and cant earn.

What then? Finish with him?

Very shallow

And its not different in any way....

Money is that important to you....

But he now earns none....

OP keep your standards. My brother is 34 earns £125k pa owns his own home (since 26) and has an overseas property portfolio. Most of our friends are mutual, similar age, similar careers and on similar incomes (+£60k range). We are in the South-east though

Money isn't everything but sadly that's how some people see it. I put happiness first. The person should be the reason for your happiness not their wage.

What are your other priorities, OP?

Do you also want them to be physically attractive? intelligent? kind? funny? a good cook?

Personally I'd take a kind man with a good sense of humour, even he were poor.