Friend doesn’t think I will meet someone if

[Indigogoesblue]

...I want someone who matches my salary and stability.

I’m 33 and I earn 55k, have my own house for last 6 years (mortgaged!). I want someone who matches this. She tells me it’s unreasonable because most people aren’t in this position at this age. Is she right and are my expectations way off?

I get that you want a partner with similar ambitions and things as you, but you are writing off a hell of a lot of nice guys if your main criteria is that their salary 'matches' yours. I actually think that's a bit odd.

Why do you want them to match your salary?

'As a PP says most caring and service professions are out, presumably you want to avoid someone who gives back to society.'

Aww that's a bit harsh. 55k would include a lot of doctors etc, senior medical professionals, whatever, all sorts of people. Lots of people on a good salary deliberately give back to society in some way.

'Being materialistic is a must, what are the other reasons that them being wealthy matters so much?''

Being ambitious, hard working, relatively emotionally 'together,' with a mind able to problem solve etc, able to take on responsibility.

I'm not saying people on lower salaries can't do that of course, but having achievements might be a sign of it, rather than just chancing that someone has these qualities.

Someone that successful would be unlikely to go out with me long term lol as I'm disabled and can't work, but I can definitely see the appeal and it's not just money.

Because I’ve recently been on dates where I’ve been asked if I’d be the breadwinner in the relationship and one who said they wanted to retire at 52 and would that be ok with me.

And no I hadn’t said how much I earned!

That’s clearly unacceptable. Why does that mean you need your own salary cut off?

Because I want someone with similar ambitions and who wants financial security. I’m aware I have my own security and I’d not stop working but I want someone who shares that approach

Because I want someone with similar ambitions and who wants financial security.

So people in professionals that don’t attract a high salary can’t be ambitious or financially secure? We are on much less than your salary.

Yes of course but I want it to match my own

How far up your list of criteria does it sit in importance? What characteristics would to say were more important or is that a number one “ must have”? . ( financially astute and sensible being different from “ must earn at least £55k”).

You sound like a gold digger. That’s not an attractive quality. Maybe that’s why you’re meeting men like you’ve described above.

Hmm I am probably in the minority on mumsnet but I think you are limiting yourself by going by salary etc. Surely you want to fall in love with the person not their earning potential/ income? I’ve been married twice and shafted royally in a divorce but I still believe in the idea of loving someone because you love “them”.

When I met now Dh 10 years ago I was a divorced mum of one with a house I owned outright and I was in a position not to have to work due to having a previously very high income. He was back living with his mum on her sofa after leaving university. (There is an age gap between us). I gave him a chance because I liked him, his personality, he made me laugh and seemed genuinely lovely.

10 years on, 7 years married, we are very happy, he is a wonderful step dad to dd now aged 17 and we have a young son together. Dh has a good work ethic - although not a high earner at all, and works full time and I don’t work. We share all our income and have a nice life together. If I had waited and waited to meet someone who could “match” me financially etc I would never have met dh.

What would you say to a guy who wouldn’t date you because your salary didn’t match his?

I'm in a similar position to you. I think the difficulty is that if you meet someone who earns much less they might not be with you for the right reasons. The strategy I ended up opting for was to find someone who matched my personality first and then someone who had a bit of ambition to achieve for themselves. I don't talk about my financial position with my current partner (although as time goes on and I'm more sure of him I have dropped hints) and I deliberately lead a low maintenance lifestyle. I think you're right to wait. Be assured, that there are men out there who earn comparable incomes.

A gold digger is someone who wants someone else to provide a lifestyle for them.

I work hard. I would never rely on a man financially. I just want someone who brings the same to the table...

I work hard. I would never rely on a man financially. I just want someone who brings the same to the table...

They can’t do that “only” earning £40k?

33 is an ok age but you might have to lower your standards by 35 or 36 as you’ll have to settle by your late thirties if you do want kids. I think your best bet is to go for an older man. Also a man with a good salary and assets maybe looking for other things in a partner like attractiveness, he may not actually want or need someone to match him financially.

Purple I’m not sure if you’re trying to be deliberately difficult?

40k isn’t bringing what I bring to the table.

I’m not being deliberately difficult. I’m surprised you can’t see it’s pretty shallow to ditch someone solely on the grounds they don’t earn your magic number. How close would they have to get? £50k? £52.5k? Or will only £55k do? What if you get a pay rise?

So someone on 40k who will earn £60k in another 5 years is no interest to you? I get that you want someone with a strong work ethic and good potential earnings but the specifying of same figure is very limiting.

A friend of mine at similar age wanted someone taller than her 5ft 10, blonde, brown eyed, slim build, earning more than her (part time GP), into sport and looking after himself. Wouldn't consider anything else.
We worked out how many men in a thousand would be like that... Very few...single.. Even less... And then they had to be looking for someone like her... Might prefer men or short, brunette with totally different figure that wants to be a SAHM.

It saddened me to think that her list didn't include: legit, non violent, kind, faithful, supportive, fun etc.

She is still single 10 years later.

It seems peculiarly unromantic and pragmatic. You could have loads of fun with a bloke on a much higher or lower salary than you.

I don’t see how it’s shallow.

I hope to get a pay rise and I would hope someone else my age would too!!

So what about a man who earns a lot more than you do?

How will you feel in ten years time if you are alone because of your need for an equal salary to yours?

I’ll probably wish I had been more open minded. But I can’t seem to form attraction where men aren’t hugely ambitious, including financially. (And not so I can give up work!)