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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Splitting Up - daughter, oh, what a mess

302 replies

bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:38

I was hoping for some advice. I don't know where to start.

I live with my partner and we have been together 4 years. I want to split up but he makes me think I am being unreasonable.

I have a son and a daughter ( not his ) he is generally good with them and gets on well with my son. He seems to think my daughter manipulates me and tells us all this. We had a huge row last night where he got my son on side and told my DD this situation is all her fault, she is a bully etc. To me she is a normal 13 year old - he tells me I can't see it.

He is now saying he won't leave unless I give him some money. To be fair he pays rent and I can give him this months back and I stupidly said I would give him more just to get rid of him. He is now saying if I pay it he is gone....and won't take any less. Half of me thinks just to do it to get rid of him ( he has no money of his own) and half of me thinks not.

I feel so confused if he does have a point about my daughter, but surely as an adult he souldn't be saying those things to her ( even if they do have an element of truth).

OP posts:
Elbeagle · 08/11/2019 09:40

He sounds a right charmer Hmm. Whose name is on the lease? How are your finances organised? I wouldn’t be paying him to leave.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:44

It's my house only and it's mortgaged.

He normally pays me a set amount each month towards the bills etc which I have offered to give him back this month ( plus the extra which I said just to get rid of him). Legally I don't think I have to but he does pay his way and has paid extra over the years for things so I do feel it's fair in a way.

He was screaming last night and told DD it's all your fault this is happening, he tells my son the same. He can be so nasty to her. he just says I am in denial about what she is like.

It's hard as my son would be distraught about him leaving and would blame me for this, they get on very well.

I just feel so sad and upset about the whole situation.

OP posts:
Sistercharlie · 08/11/2019 09:45

He won't leave until you give him money? Shock

I think that tells you all you need to know op . Good luck.

Elbeagle · 08/11/2019 09:46

Your son may be distraught, but look at what sort of example he is setting to your son. Screaming and shouting at a 13 year old girl? Plus he’s obviously not that bothered about staying if he’s not asking to sort things out... he just wants the cash.
Give him his ‘rent’ back if you feel you need to and send him on his way.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:48

He won't leave until I give him money as he has no money but that's a different thread.

I just feel so unhappy in my own house....is he right though? is what he is saying about her true and I just can't see it? I find him so over bearing.

OP posts:
PaterPower · 08/11/2019 09:49

If you’re not married and he’s not on the mortgage then tell him you’ll be making him leave immediately (with Police assistance if necessary) unless he stops with the blame game.

Give him the month’s rent back if you can afford to but tell him the rest - if you still want to honour that - will come when you can afford it. He’s burning his bridges and you need to protect your DC.

Sistercharlie · 08/11/2019 09:49

Just read your update. That is despicable behaviour! Pay him the rest of the month's rent back and put his belongings on the front step.

PinkMonkeyBird · 08/11/2019 09:49

It's your house - pack his bags and tell him to fuck right off!

Ratbagratty · 08/11/2019 09:52

If he refuses to leave, call the police. Protect your children.

aweedropofsancerre · 08/11/2019 09:53

How awful for your poor DD. This arsehole is using her own DB as a tool to prove he is right and being truly dreadful to your DC. Why are you asking if he is right? Give him his money and tell him to FO. Your going to have to undo the damage he has already caused to both your DC

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:53

He's calling me a coward for not sorting my daughter out. I think I may just have to pay him for peace of mind, It's going to be awful though he will be packing his stuff and upsetting the kids as he goes.

OP posts:
notallrainbows · 08/11/2019 09:53

Your poor daughter is all I have to say, stand up for her and get this man out of your home

catspyjamas123 · 08/11/2019 09:54

Get rid ASAP. One month’s money is a small price to pay because next he will be coming after half the house. Please be careful!! How dare he blame your DD. A child is not to blame for the problems between you two. Who comes first? Your DD or this bloke? You know what the right answer is.

Thank your lucky stars you are not married. I had to give my ex an extremely large amount to go away. Don’t fall into this trap. He’s not worth it.

aweedropofsancerre · 08/11/2019 09:54

Are your DC not at school?

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:54

and yes my son had a right go about it to me this morning....saying he is right, and slating his sister. I don't know how it's got to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:54

They are at school yes, he is at work so won't be able to go until later on.

OP posts:
ArkAtEee · 08/11/2019 09:55

Support your daughter. Your soon-to-be ex is pursuing a divide and rule strategy between her and your son that needs sorting out, maybe through counselling or family therapy, so it doesn't affect their relationship in the future.

aweedropofsancerre · 08/11/2019 09:55

Well I would suggest you pack his bags while he is at work and arrange for your DC to be elsewhere after school. Maybe get a friend over to be with you too

Mrsjayy · 08/11/2019 09:56

My step dad did this with me as a teenager it was horrible not having anybody on my side I was probably a moody kid but I was a kid. Your DD has nobody be her somebody.

goadyficker · 08/11/2019 09:57

He's at work?

Get an emergency locksmith out and change the locks now.

Put his stuff in bin bags on the lawn.

Sorted.

WestSideSnorey · 08/11/2019 09:57

is what he is saying about her true and I just can't see it?

It doesn't matter if it's true OP. You will need to work it out but right now it just isn't important, what is important is that he has been disgusting to your daughter, tried to create friction between you all as a family and is now refusing to leave your home.

He is there at your invitation, he does not get to dictate his departure and any suggestion otherwise and I'd suggest that you have him forcefully removed either by a friend/family member or by the Police.

I would personally give him the rent he has paid for this month back just to smooth the departure but you are by no means obliged to do so. He's overstepped the mark here, it's your home and it's your family, pack his stuff up as best you can and tell him to get to fuck.

Drum2018 · 08/11/2019 09:59

You want this man out of your house, he won't leave because he is trying to extort money from you - call the police.

BertrandRussell · 08/11/2019 10:00

Pack his stuff. Get a friend/sister/mother- someone to be with you. Tell him that he can collect his stuff at a set time. Be ready to call the police if he threatens you.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 10:01

I agree with all the above.

My son is going to be so upset by this I'm sure, I do think he is trying to divide us up, he uses him as his backup to support him.

OP posts:
Sistercharlie · 08/11/2019 10:01

Your son is following his example.

We can't know what your teen dd's behaviour is like - like lots of teens it may not be great all of the time - but that is immaterial. Why are you wondering whether or not to believe the word of a man who interferes in your relationship with your sc (when he should be supporting you), shouts at your dd, and wants you to pay him to leave? Those things alone tell you what you need to know and what you need to do.

Personally, I would pay him as little as possible.