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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Splitting Up - daughter, oh, what a mess

302 replies

bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:38

I was hoping for some advice. I don't know where to start.

I live with my partner and we have been together 4 years. I want to split up but he makes me think I am being unreasonable.

I have a son and a daughter ( not his ) he is generally good with them and gets on well with my son. He seems to think my daughter manipulates me and tells us all this. We had a huge row last night where he got my son on side and told my DD this situation is all her fault, she is a bully etc. To me she is a normal 13 year old - he tells me I can't see it.

He is now saying he won't leave unless I give him some money. To be fair he pays rent and I can give him this months back and I stupidly said I would give him more just to get rid of him. He is now saying if I pay it he is gone....and won't take any less. Half of me thinks just to do it to get rid of him ( he has no money of his own) and half of me thinks not.

I feel so confused if he does have a point about my daughter, but surely as an adult he souldn't be saying those things to her ( even if they do have an element of truth).

OP posts:
Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 09/11/2019 20:56

My son is a nice kid, he just sees the good in everybody. He has been helping dd with get homework today and told her he loves her.

Because he's so kind he has been asking about the ex, said he might call him. I really don't feel I can tell him no, he just has to make his own mind up I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 09/11/2019 21:00

To make things harder for the kids their nan on their bio dads side has had a stroke today so looks like they may lose their nan, it's not looking good for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 09/11/2019 21:13

And when we went he said I'm not a looker...and that I will never find anyone else.

The more I type the more I know it's right

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 09/11/2019 21:21

What a pig he is. Have you told your son that he's said that to you? It is just his nastiness, I hope you know.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 09/11/2019 22:07

No, I've not told anyone what he said.

It has knocked my confidence a bit, but I can see his tactics I guess.

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 09/11/2019 22:59

What horrible thing to say to you🤬
I bet you're gorgeous 😍 (and I bet he ain't no oil painting 🤭)
i wouldn't worry about him too much, sounds like he's manipulative enough to find someone to put him up for a while!
it's great that your boy is like that.... sees the good in everyone, you're obviously a fab mum 😊

sarahstanley · 09/11/2019 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatherineJaneway · 10/11/2019 07:02

Your son should not have contact with this man. A very unhealthy relationship that would be.

billybagpuss · 10/11/2019 07:45

If he’s only staying with a mate, be strong this week he may try to come back. Perhaps spend today bagging his stuff up so it’s ready for him

SeaEagleFeather · 10/11/2019 09:24

OP, please, don't let him contact your son.

Don't stick your head in the ground here, for your son's sake. You need to explain to him what's being going on.

Lies and manipulations - and this man's behaviour has been full of both - are terribly destructive, more so with a child/young adult. You owe it to your son to stop protecting him and start educating him on how manipulative some people can be.

Branleuse · 10/11/2019 10:07

I dont understand why you couldnt ask your son to not respond/contact him?
I am pretty sure if I asked my 18 year old not to contact someone, he would listen to me and I could explain why.

As an adult, at one point my mum asked me to not speak to her ex husband as it was upsetting her to think he could be getting information on her. I didnt like it much, but I did it for my mum.

Why on earth couldnt you tell your 15 year old that there are really important reasons he mustnt contact him, for the sake of his sister and his mum.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 10/11/2019 12:19

Ok I will speak to my son.

Haven't heard thing from him...he would be stupid to try and come back. I have his stuff but will wait for him to ask about it.

Feeling really odd today, and more real that he isn't here. Feel a little sad, about the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 10/11/2019 12:20

And thanks Rhino...he is no oil painting!

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 10/11/2019 12:37

he says you'll never find someone else because he knows it will be hard for him to find someone else who will tolerate his abusive ways!
He's trying to dress himself up as a 'catch' but you can't polish a turd 🤭

bluebella4 · 10/11/2019 12:47

He sounds like he has alot of issues going on and projecting his crap onto your daughter! Your children is your top piority-not him. If he doesn't leave then I'd be ringing the police. You don't want a relationship with him any longer therefore he needs to respect that and leave. Im sure you have made that clear but he is trying his hand to stay- manipulating you while traumatising your children along the way! Did he become your 3rd child?

SeaEagleFeather · 10/11/2019 17:28

Did he become your 3rd child?

No, he was the enemy within. Thankfully gone now.

Take it easy, banghead. It's a big change which will take time to get used to, and the loss of some dreams. Keep hold that you've done the right thing.

patm99 · 10/11/2019 18:27

I would hve a chat to your son about relationships. While he is not totally an adult he is at that age were he will be able to get ideals about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in a relationship.
If you have a son nearing adulthood he needs to be taught about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in a relationship and why you decided to break it off.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 14/11/2019 10:41

Hello everyone! It's been nearly a week now and he hasn't made contact with me. I believe he is staying with a friend whilst he looks for something permanent, I still have his stuff but he can get that another time.

To be honest I am stressing...more about the financial side of things, and keeping up with everything at home on my own.

I am not missing him as a person at all, which must be a good thing? It's hard to know someone isn't there to rely on, but I do feel more relaxed in my house. I'm kind of waiting for it to hit me, and it hasn't!

DD hasn't even asked about him once which says a lot.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 14/11/2019 10:44

It sounds such an emotional relief that he isn't there you can breath.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/11/2019 10:46

And when we went he said I'm not a looker...and that I will never find anyone else.

Kind of insulting himself there too, isn't he? But if you ever start to miss him, remember that comment. Asshole

Innishh · 14/11/2019 11:18

Well done OP. You have 2 strapping teens who can help you keep up with the home - you are a functioning, supportive, team now. The financial stuff will just have to make some adjustments.

The most important thing is that your young daughter isn’t being screamed at by a vile abusive adult male.

What do you think it says that she hasn’t asked about him?

Has he and your son had contact?

Really important to focus on love and joy amongst the 3 of you now as a lot to make up for from the 4 years he polluted your family relationships. Your DCs will be up and left before you know it (even if they don’t actually leave home they get deep in their friendships and other RS) so would be good to ensure they have some insight and resolution from this ordeal and it doesn’t become “normal” for them. Their emotional health, self esteem and clear firm boundaries is the most valuable gift you can give to them. That is also a priceless gift to yourself as well.

Blobby10 · 14/11/2019 13:22

@bangheadhere40 when I split up from my H one of the hardest things was being the sole adult in the house and having to remember absolutely everything - from paying the bills to putting the bins out to learning how to use a screwdriver properly! I knew HOW to do this stuff but it was so much easier when I didn't HAVE to do it alongside all my usual chores and work! However 4 years on and I'm so much happier.

I'm sure your children will help out - mine responded well to a rota of chores - with daily and weekly jobs. The rest you can just muddle through and work out as you go along. Someone said to me "You are taking the first steps of the journey to the rest of your life - you don't have to be able to do everything perfectly straight away."

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 14/11/2019 14:09

The more I think about it the more I think about abusive traits. He used to be very paranoid about me and other men....that stopped about 2 years ago. In the last year though I've been accused of being a lesbian! I have a bi-sexual friend, so obviously by me hanging out with her means I am too!! CRAZY

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Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 14/11/2019 14:10

and yes that's the hardest bit, being the sole adult! I don't even feel like an adult half the time....I'm not great at adulting.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 14/11/2019 15:55

You are doing brilliany OP. Keep it up

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