Splitting Up - daughter, oh, what a mess

[bangheadhere40]

I was hoping for some advice. I don't know where to start.

I live with my partner and we have been together 4 years. I want to split up but he makes me think I am being unreasonable.

I have a son and a daughter ( not his ) he is generally good with them and gets on well with my son. He seems to think my daughter manipulates me and tells us all this. We had a huge row last night where he got my son on side and told my DD this situation is all her fault, she is a bully etc. To me she is a normal 13 year old - he tells me I can't see it.

He is now saying he won't leave unless I give him some money. To be fair he pays rent and I can give him this months back and I stupidly said I would give him more just to get rid of him. He is now saying if I pay it he is gone....and won't take any less. Half of me thinks just to do it to get rid of him ( he has no money of his own) and half of me thinks not.

I feel so confused if he does have a point about my daughter, but surely as an adult he souldn't be saying those things to her ( even if they do have an element of truth).

It’s a shame that you’ve moved an abuser money quicker than you’ve acted to protect your daughter.

What a dickish thing to say

It’ll have just validated to him now that he is owed something from you and I will be very surprised if this is the end of him asking for money.

Not really @AryaStarkWolf I can understand op putting up with this projection to herself but to her daughter and son? No. It’s not good at all and is teaching them that this behaviour is ok.

Chuckles I'm so sorry for the horrendous time you had😔
you were treated appallingly😔

His needs have come first again unfortunately.

Yes I want him gone with no fuss and he has no excuse now, £600 is a lot plus he buys food on top of that sometimes.

I am counting down the hours until later and hope I can report back later with good news.

I won't have him being so mean to my daughter , no matter how nice he is to my son.

@Jellybeansincognito Yes it is, does it make you feel better about yourself to kick someone while they're down?

Good op.
I’m sorry for being so harsh but my fathers ex wife was like this towards me and he behaved like you are now.
I’ve never fully forgiven him.

Well done for making the right decision and asking this man to leave.

I agree with the others saying that you should change the locks. Please do that this evening as a priority.

Your son and daughter are lucky to have a mum who is strong enough to get rid of a nasty toxic man. Good for you!

I promise you he won’t be on the streets. He will be on a mates sofa or spare room and within days he will rent somewhere.

Jellybean it's not that you don't have a point it's more that you're being unfair to the OP, she has been the victim of a con man and you're blaming her for not understanding the con, in other words you are blaming the victim.

OP he sounds absolutely horrific.
Get rid of him.
Surely changing the locks and putting his stuff outside is acceptable, you don't owe him anything.

Not really no- I’m down also.
I wish my problems were as easy to fix as OPs.

It makes me upset that yet another man gets to behave like this and gets away with it.

I can handle being abused but god, I’d never sit back and let someone do it to my kids. Never in a million years would they get what they wanted.

Please don't give him the money until he has taken his stuff - he could easily just keep stringing things out...

Do NOT pay him!

Use some money to get the locks changed and pack his stuff and put it outside. Have someone with you as back up when he comes.

Good luck, he sounds awful.

Have you packed his stuff?

he's nice to your son because that's the only way he can get away with being abusive towards your daughter ....a bit like jimmy saville doing work for charity

I have emailed a locksmith but they have huge call out fees for evenings, and I am not at home now.

He doesn't have a back door key, I will get the front door key from him later, I don't think he would be stupid enough to come back.

I hope that he does stay on a sofa somewhere and get himself something.

Op he can easily go and get copies of his key today. It only takes an hour and there’s shops scattered everywhere that do it.

It’s too late now but please keep your cards close to your chest in future when it comes to him.

And the fee to get the locks changed is invaluable- he could come back in the night and do all sorts.

I have told him he needs to be gone by 7pm and I want my key back, he has agreed.

@bangheadhere40 - I am sorry to be stern with you, but you are just not getting this.

It is NOT GOOD ENOUGH to rely on him to 'agree' to return his key.
How do you know he doesn't already have a spare?
Change the locks. Today. Now.

Chucklebuckles, your post is quite heartbreaking.

There’s nothing to say he will come back later and demand more money before leaving.

He shouldn’t be allowed to step foot in your house again, you can’t action this until your house is secure and you know there’s no other keys for your door.

It got to it because you let it.

No man who treated my child like that would darken my doorstep again. Fuck no.

Pay him. Tell him to fuck along.

We have split once before a couple of years back temporarily and he moved out then. He never tried to come back then so I don't think he would do so this time. If he does then I will call the police.

@bangheadhere40
Before he comes round later you need to

• get your locks changed (he could easily get a key cut)
• pack all his stuff up then just hand it to him at the door. Do not let him in, no discussion, no conversation. Here’s your stuff, good-bye. Do not contact me or my family ever again. Shows you mean business.

Of course you can cope.
You also need to have a chat with your son if he gets arsey and explain that whatever knobface may have said, your daughter categorically was not to blame for the relationship breakdown, knobface’s behaviour was.