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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Splitting Up - daughter, oh, what a mess

302 replies

bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:38

I was hoping for some advice. I don't know where to start.

I live with my partner and we have been together 4 years. I want to split up but he makes me think I am being unreasonable.

I have a son and a daughter ( not his ) he is generally good with them and gets on well with my son. He seems to think my daughter manipulates me and tells us all this. We had a huge row last night where he got my son on side and told my DD this situation is all her fault, she is a bully etc. To me she is a normal 13 year old - he tells me I can't see it.

He is now saying he won't leave unless I give him some money. To be fair he pays rent and I can give him this months back and I stupidly said I would give him more just to get rid of him. He is now saying if I pay it he is gone....and won't take any less. Half of me thinks just to do it to get rid of him ( he has no money of his own) and half of me thinks not.

I feel so confused if he does have a point about my daughter, but surely as an adult he souldn't be saying those things to her ( even if they do have an element of truth).

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2019 10:38

That is because he is bitter; as I write before such types hate women, all of them (starting with their own mother). He is abusive and I daresay upped the power and control antes against you all particularly after he moved in to your home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2019 10:40

I would not give him any money and certainly no more than the £600 if you did. The money he put in towards shopping and the like is non returnable in law.

Wilberforcethecat · 08/11/2019 10:41

Seriously OP don't let him back in the house. He will cause so much trouble with your son. Get a locksmith out and change the locks now. Pack his stuff up and put it in the garage. Transfer the money and tell him he is gone now. Don't let him say when he will leave, take control back now for the sake of your kids

RhinoskinhaveI · 08/11/2019 10:43

This man understood very well that the best way to get his feet under your table was to 'court' your son, he knew that this would make you feel as if he genuinely cared about and wanted to be a good role model for your son.
It's very easy for an adult man to flatter and impress a 15-year old lad and made the lad feel special, what's really happening is that he is using your son and your daughter as separate levers that he can pull to manipulate and control you so that he gets what he wants out of your family.

Of course he's bitter that you have a house and money, these things give you power and status, things which he feels are rightfully his.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/11/2019 10:44

then told her it's all her fault about us breaking up
What a horrible fucking prick he is.
How dare he blame her.
Make sure you have a good long chats with both your DC tonight.
Make sure they both understand that this absolutely is nothing that they have done.
They are not to blame at all for any of this.
It is all on HIM and HE is the one who is manipulative!

Oh, and the kids come first!?
Yes you knob-head (STBEx), that's how it works.
He really doesn't like being bottom of the pecking order does he!?
Reminds me of my ExH.
Well done on asking him to leave.
Now follow through properly later.
Don't listen to his bullshit.
You know it's all crap.

Do not get drawn into any conversations with him at all.

HIM - It's all your DD fault.
YOU - yes, I understand that is what you believe.
HIM - DS knows that DD rules the roost.
YOU - yes, I understand that is what you believe.
HIM - None of this my fault you know!?
YOU - yes, I understand that is what you believe.
HIM - I can't believe you are kicking me out.
YOU - Yes, I am putting my DC first.
If it all gets too much then walk away from it. Leave him to pack his shit up (unless you can do that now so you don't have watch all that unravel as well) and just remove yourself for the situation until he has gone.
Then get a Pizza in for the DC and have a nice movie night snuggled up on the couch with them.

CottonHeadedNinyMuggins · 08/11/2019 10:44

He also got the benefit of your home for a smaller amount then he would be paying for rent and bills elsewhere. It's his own fault that he's in such a position and didn't save. Not yours. It's likely why he's so angry now because he's lost his gravy train but can't /won't blame himself.

What about if / when he decides it's not enough money to make him leave? He won't leave until you give him more or won't leave over the weekend cos nothing is open etc etc.

Please pack his belongings whilst you have time to do so and whilst you know what's going in the bags too.

Original poster

bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 10:44

Thanks for all your support ladies....I really need it. I am not at home at the moment. I have told him he can leave tonight and then get his stuff at an agreed time and I want my key back.

I originally offered 1k last night but I have told him he's not getting that now I have had a chance to think about it and £800 is fair. I know shopping isn't refundable but I also accidentally broke something of his that is worth a lot that was never replaced so I think it's fair considering.

OP posts:

SureTry · 08/11/2019 10:45

Change your locks.
Pack his stuff and leave them outside.
Simple!

I'm sorry but there are so many threads on here where women are trapped in horrible relationships, no name on the home they live in, no job and have kids with nasty men. You are ahead of the game here, please remember that. Don't let him make demands about money, take your power back. If you really want to give him back this month's rent, that's fine but you tell him he gets it once he's taken his stuff from outside your house and not before. Who is he to tell you send me the money then he goes?!

RhinoskinhaveI · 08/11/2019 10:45

I think it could be worth making some sort of financial settlement with him if it feels fair to you and would allow you both to draw a line under this and move on (?)

AdoraBell · 08/11/2019 10:45

It’s him that is manipulating, not your daughter.

Do what hells suggested.

Johnsonsfiat · 08/11/2019 10:46

This man is poison. Put aside the childish nonsense he's spouting about your daughter and think about his behaviour: asking to be paid to leave, manipulating your son, abusive to your daughter.
He needs to be away from the children as soon as possible.

Original poster

bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 10:47

This is so true and word for word what he says! He says DD is top in our house and she knows it and tells my son I put him bottom. What is with these power games with men like that.

OP posts:

SureTry · 08/11/2019 10:48

My god your poor DD. The man is poison.

Sistercharlie · 08/11/2019 10:48

Good luck tonight op; keep strong

Tell your son that you ou love him and don't expect him to understand this now but you made a decision based in what is best for the whole family. Tell him that real men don't scream at teenage girls and don't blame dc for their own inadequacies.

Bluerussian · 08/11/2019 10:49

Oh banheadhere, what a horrible situation. I do feel very sorry for you and for both your children whom he has obviously manipulated. Your daughter sounds quite normal for a thirteen year old but, anyway, she is almost still a child and your son is only fifteen. Sheesh!

In your position, I would tell him you'll give him the money in cash as soon as his stuff is in his car (I'm presuming he has a car, or else he'll borrow one or have a friend with a big estate car or van to help him). Go to the bank and draw the cash.

When he's gone, arrange some nice family things, having people over for a few drinks and'nibbles' (loaded word there) and if any of them have teenage children, invite them too.

Perhaps go out with them and one or two others, have a Christmas party and allow them to have friends over, which I expect you do already.

I think your childrens' relationship will sort itself out, especially if you try to carry on in a fairly 'normal' fashion, however your son needs a mentor other than yourself; if you have a male friend or relative - or even a grandad - whom your son respects, he may be able to gently guide the boy's thoughts. Bless him. When the three of you are on your own he will gradually see things for what they are.

Well done to you. You're a fair, kind person and that counts for a lot. I'm glad you have your own home and not too badly off.

RhinoskinhaveI · 08/11/2019 10:49

I think the reason he wants money is because he has invested time and money trying to get everyone under his control trying to get everything set up just the way he wants it, this has failed and he wants to be compensated for his wasted effort.
So looking at things like that this is a con man who wants to be compensated because his con didn't work out....?

Lifeisabeach09 · 08/11/2019 10:50

Agree with PP.
Change locks, pack up his stuff and leave outside the door. Give him one months rent back.
You are putting up with a lot of crap for someone who isn't the father of your children.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/11/2019 10:52

Get him out for the sake of both your DC, and for your own sake. Then talk to your DC about why you got rid of him (he is not their father, so none of you need ever have anything to do with him again.)
Explain to them that you have got rid of him because he was setting them both up for trouble in later life - your DD was more at risk of falling for an abusive misogynist and your son was at risk of becoming one. tell them he was a bigot and a liar and a bully, and that people like that sometimes only show what they really are after time. Remind your DC that you love them and that none of you need that prick in your lives.
Good luck.

Felford · 08/11/2019 10:53

Be careful OP - he could claim to have a beneficial interest in the property if he's been paying more than just household bills and has contributed towards improving the house.

ifonly4 · 08/11/2019 10:54

You need to get rid of him. Easier said that done, but I'd get the locks changed and leave his clothes/personal items on the doorstep. As said, if you have a friend who can stay for a couple of days for support. Ask other Mums if they can have your kids, so they're not present when he turns up. If you have joint finances get sole ones set up for yourself and get your income transferred into that.

SureTry · 08/11/2019 10:55

You're right Rhino, there's something very calculating and con man like, saying pay me and I'm gone. He doesn't seem upset or remorseful about the relationship or whether he loves the OP just about getting paid and trying to do maximum damage to the OP's relationship with her children.

angstridden2 · 08/11/2019 10:55

Second those saying ASAP get the locks changed...he may give you his key but who is to say he hasn’t had another copy cut? Not a lawyer but suspect that if he tries entry when locks changed it is illegal entry.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 08/11/2019 10:56

OP,
Call a locksmith. Don’t rely on him giving his key back.
When are you home? You really need to stop waffling on about feelings and get some practical stuff done.
Call 101, just to let them know what is happening in case it gets ugly.
Good luck.

Original poster

bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 10:56

ok, I am going to move the money. He says he needs it now so he can book something for tonight.

I guess I feel so useless and worn down by him telling me I can't cope. It's been so long since I was on my own with the kids.

OP posts:

RhinoskinhaveI · 08/11/2019 10:58

When he complains that your daughter is at the top of the household what he means is she has more status than he thinks a 'mere' female child ought to have, he means that because she's 'just' a girl any status is too much status
He is teaching your son that it's ok to slap down any woman or girl who dares to think of herself as equal to a man or a boy

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