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Original poster

Splitting Up - daughter, oh, what a mess

302 replies

bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:38

I was hoping for some advice. I don't know where to start.

I live with my partner and we have been together 4 years. I want to split up but he makes me think I am being unreasonable.

I have a son and a daughter ( not his ) he is generally good with them and gets on well with my son. He seems to think my daughter manipulates me and tells us all this. We had a huge row last night where he got my son on side and told my DD this situation is all her fault, she is a bully etc. To me she is a normal 13 year old - he tells me I can't see it.

He is now saying he won't leave unless I give him some money. To be fair he pays rent and I can give him this months back and I stupidly said I would give him more just to get rid of him. He is now saying if I pay it he is gone....and won't take any less. Half of me thinks just to do it to get rid of him ( he has no money of his own) and half of me thinks not.

I feel so confused if he does have a point about my daughter, but surely as an adult he souldn't be saying those things to her ( even if they do have an element of truth).

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 08/11/2019 10:59

I'd just give him the money and get him out tbh. Money well spent by the sounds of it. Don't let some man bully your daughter

Jellybeansincognito · 08/11/2019 11:02

Pack his stuff up and leave it in the garden, get the locks changed and take your kids out tonight for a meal.
You all need a calm chat, abuse is never ok- you don’t want your son thinking it’s ok to treat women like this.
Your poor daughter

AryaStarkWolf · 08/11/2019 11:03

I guess I feel so useless and worn down by him telling me I can't cope. It's been so long since I was on my own with the kids.

It's going to be great enjoy it. He sounds awful

SpringFan · 08/11/2019 11:03

I think you are being generous to him, however change the locks.
It might be worth changing your son's phone number so they can't be in contact. I think you need some family therapy- he has really done a numbt on all of you.
I agree with PP abut his view of women, and his lack of concern about your breakup. I bet he has someone else lined up who is giving him a better deal.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/11/2019 11:03

Don’t give him a penny.

What’s he going to do?

Get someone to help you get him out and call the police if he refuses.

SpringFan · 08/11/2019 11:04

sorry posted too soon. Tell him he must not speak to either of your children while he is packing up his stuff.

messolini9 · 08/11/2019 11:06

Don't give this manipulative shit a penny.

Really. Why ON EARTH would you? Think of the fun you could have spending it on your kids instead.

Tell him to get out now, & if he is not gone in X hours, you will be calling the police to dislodge him.

He is a disgraceful, cocklodging, manipulative fucker.
Why are you not angrier, on behalf of your DD?

Jellybeansincognito · 08/11/2019 11:07

If someone treated my DD like this they be begging for their stuff back.

Not manipulating me for more money and abusing my daughter in front of me.

Shocking tbh. Op.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/11/2019 11:07

You will be fab with your kids.
You will now have time to bond as a family of 3.
You will be your own team of 3.
The 3 musketeers (although they may be a bit old for that now)
You can have each others backs with no outside interference.
YOU can parent how you want to parent with no-one telling you that you are doing it wrong.
You can spend 1-on-1 time with each of them as well.
Start to build a proper bond with them together and individually.
Well done - it's a huge step for you OP and you should be extremely proud of yourself for taking back control of yours and your DC lives!
You go girl - you got this!

ChuckleBuckles · 08/11/2019 11:07

OP you are doing the right thing getting rid of this man, and in time when the fog of his influence clears your son will know this too.

When I was your daughters age my mother died, had no dad on the scene and older married brother moved back into our home with his wife and kids, I was part of the deal and came with the house as fixtures and fittings. His wife HATED me, she blamed me for everything wrong in their life, she resented me in HER home, she blamed me (then a teenager) for the things their toddler aged children did (crayons on walls sort of thing) eventually things got so toxic my brother met me from the school bus and told me that I could no longer live in the house, I was made homeless when trying to do my exams for college.

I couch surfed for a bit and life was shit for a very long time, ended up being a target for abusive men and life ground me down, never really having a chance to do well at anything as I was always starting at a lower point that everyone else and at nearly 40 years old still feel the impact of those years. This is the future you daughter faces with a person who hates her in her home, a person who is trying to isolate her from her family and make her the one at fault. With kindness get your head out of your arse and fight for that girl, change the locks now, bag up his stuff and put it on the step, ring the police to be rid of him if you must, also block him on the kids phones so he cannot contact them to drip more poison from a distance. Now is the time to come out swinging for all your sakes.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/11/2019 11:08

You’re doing your daughter an injustice giving him money and allowing him to behave like this towards her.

You’re meant to protect her and you haven’t and still continue to portray that this behaviour is acceptable by paying him off.

Don’t do it. Your daughter deserves better.

theboxfamilytree · 08/11/2019 11:08

Get him out then get yourself on the Freedom Programme so you have the knowledge to undo the damage he's caused.

messolini9 · 08/11/2019 11:09

It's hard as my son would be distraught about him leaving and would blame me for this, they get on very well.

Sweetheart, this is not hard.
Can you not see how very easy & simple it is?
Your cocklodger does not like women/girls. He is latching on to precisely nothing about your DD, & blowing it up to demean her, diminish you, & control the household.

Do you want DS to grow up to be a cocklodger just like your exDP?
You need this nasty twat away from BOTH of your children asap.

Collaborate · 08/11/2019 11:10

Change the locks. He has no recourse in law.

scoobydoo1971 · 08/11/2019 11:12
  1. Do not give this man money in cash. If you are going to do this, do bank transfer so you have proof of the settlement. He will come back when he burns his way through your payment, and say he wants more. As you are not married and the property is yours, then he has no claim over residence. You can evict him anytime without having to pay him back. He may threaten you with a small claims court application but if he is broke and homeless, he won't attempt it and he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on as you are not married.
  2. Do not pay him anything until he has left the property. Carefully identify any security weakness in your property, like doors and windows. He will have knowledge and people behave badly when they get desperate for money/ revenge.
  3. If you have a UPVC door then you can change the lock yourself easily. Look it up on youtube, buy a new lock today from a key or DIY shop - five min changeover with a screwdriver. Locksmiths cost a lot for a emergency callout.
  4. He is a child protection risk to your children, and is verbally abusing your girl. If he refuses to go, call the police and tell them he is threatening you and your children. They will attend if there are children at risk.
  5. Life with the children will get better without this man around stirring the pot. Teenagers can easily pick up and play the tension of adults. Show your kids that you are a strong woman and won't take no rubbish from a man who abuses them or you.
LittlePaintBox · 08/11/2019 11:12

You need to act as a parent and get this controlling man out of your children's lives. He's setting up your son to be just the same as him, and your daughter is a teenager who needs solid support from the adults in her life, not blame and criticism. If I was her I think I'd want to leave home asap if this man appeared to be a permanent fixture.

Get the locks changed, and get legal advice before you give him a penny. I wouldn't be surprised if his next move was an attempt to grab the house or half the house from you. Don't do or say anything that implies he has any rights other than as a lodger. Giving him money won't get rid of him, it will just encourage him to come back for more. You need to make it clear if you do give him anything that this is generosity on your part and a clean break.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 11:15

I have moved him the money - I know I could keep it but then he would be on the streets. I don't want that and I do think it's fair to pay his rent back and extra for what I broke and never replaced.

I have told him he needs to be gone by 7pm and I want my key back, he has agreed.

I am scared for later but I feel relieved and just hope to hell he goes tonight.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 08/11/2019 11:16

Have you packed his stuff?

Jiggles101 · 08/11/2019 11:16

£600 for bills/food is shit loads, my cocklodger partner pays half the bills (£170) plus food (about £250).

Do you think he could say he's been contributing to the mortgage and has an interest in the house? Hopefully he's too dense to make this connection but it might be worth getting some legal advice just in case?

You're definitely doing the right thing getting rid of him, my kids are the same age as yours and it's an important age for gender roles/expectations. Your son may strop about for a bit but he'll get over it and your daughter will be ok if you reassure her enough.

RhinoskinhaveI · 08/11/2019 11:17

On the subject of the money could you perhaps give him half upfront and half after he vacates?
if it feels hard to cope with your children I would say that it's because he has been busily manipulating them so that he can 'divide and conquer'

Grannybags · 08/11/2019 11:17

Can you ask your DC’s friends parents to help out this evening? Just to have them for tea maybe, while you sort things out. Do your DC have a relationship with their Dad or a grandfather/uncle who could be a better male role for them both?

Jellybeansincognito · 08/11/2019 11:18

It’s a shame that you’ve moved an abuser money quicker than you’ve acted to protect your daughter.

Op I hope for your daughter you see the error of your ways.

blablablabla123 · 08/11/2019 11:19

This guy is projecting his own issues onto your daughter, he is using divide and conquer to attempt to line your son up on his side, to a) pull you and daughter in to line, or b) ensure that if he has to leave your home, he leaves you with a divided family.

Daughter scapegoated and son golden child. My family has this dynamic, scapegoating me. This destroyed my mental health for over 40 years.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/11/2019 11:19

@bangheadhere40 I get why people are saying not to give him a penny but I think you're right to if he's paid you rent for the month etc and it will just make it easier on you and your kids if he leaves without kicking up a fuss

messolini9 · 08/11/2019 11:19

He has text and said as long as I move the money over today he will leave tonight.
FUCKSAKE do not let him call the shots like this!
Text back & say "you are leaving tonight, it is not your decision, & the police are already aware that you are demanding money & refusing to leave my home. You may collect your belongings at Xpm."

My son is out for an hour later but my daughter will be home, I don't really have anyone I could ask to come over.
Yeah, you do.

  1. locksmith. TODAY.
  2. police.