Splitting Up - daughter, oh, what a mess

[bangheadhere40]

I was hoping for some advice. I don't know where to start.

I live with my partner and we have been together 4 years. I want to split up but he makes me think I am being unreasonable.

I have a son and a daughter ( not his ) he is generally good with them and gets on well with my son. He seems to think my daughter manipulates me and tells us all this. We had a huge row last night where he got my son on side and told my DD this situation is all her fault, she is a bully etc. To me she is a normal 13 year old - he tells me I can't see it.

He is now saying he won't leave unless I give him some money. To be fair he pays rent and I can give him this months back and I stupidly said I would give him more just to get rid of him. He is now saying if I pay it he is gone....and won't take any less. Half of me thinks just to do it to get rid of him ( he has no money of his own) and half of me thinks not.

I feel so confused if he does have a point about my daughter, but surely as an adult he souldn't be saying those things to her ( even if they do have an element of truth).

We can't tell you if its true or not all we can say is this isn't a good environment and you'd all be better off with him going.

Any adult who blames a child for his own unhappiness is not worth your time.

You need to show your daughter you are on her side not his. Chuck him out. Give him the money you fairly owe him and if you can afford to give him a bit more because he has paid for stuff over the four years which he is leaving behind, then do so. But get rid of him. Men who scream at teenage girls, blaming them for their own inadequacies and unhappiness, are beneath contempt.

I just feel so unhappy in my own house....is he right though? is what he is saying about her true and I just can't see it? I find him so over bearing

Well how would we know if it’s true or not?
Even if he is, screaming at your daughter and turning your son against you both isn’t the correct way to go about rectifying the situation is it?
Get rid of him, then deal with any potential issues with your daughter.

I feel torn between my son and my daughter, it's going to cause huge issues between them now too. I can't believe his behaviour, I feel stuck in it at the moment and quite scared of coping.

I feel torn between my son and my daughter

This is the wrong way to look at it. If you let him stay, your son may be happy in the short term. But what example is he setting to your son? How will it impact your son in the long term? Teaching him that he can get his own way by belittling and screaming at a woman? A child?

@ goadyficker has said it . You need to protect your daughter .

I wouldn't give him anything apart from a size 5 boot up the back Side out the door. What a vile creature he sounds. It is NOT your responsibility or fault he has no money of his own. He sounds absolutely VILE and I wouldn't let him within 2 foot of my Daughter. It sounds very much like he is manipulating your son also.

You are splitting with this man for both of your children you just think you are torn but you really are not look at how your son is treating you and his sister

How old is your son

For goodness sake will you listen to yourself.

Kick this man out. Do not pay him a penny. Ring the police if he refuses to leave. He has no rights as it is your home and your name on the mortgage.

Change the locks and leave his things outside.
Once you're calmer you can look at how you're parenting your son and daughter and do what YOU think is right.
It's not his business and he's power tripping horribly.

I don't know how it's got to this
Yes you do - this asshole has orchestrated the whole thing and you have allowed it to happen.
Get him gone.
He is at work.
Pack up all his shit and put it outside.
Like right now!
You do NOT owe him any money,
Do not allow him to blackmail you.
Please call 101 and tell them what is happening today.
They will put your number on a priority list and if he kicks off you call 999 and they will get there fast.
Protect your DD.

You can unpick the damage he has done once he has gone.
But get him gone TODAY!!!!!!!
You have the opportunity to do it so do it!

He has no rights to remain in your home and its not your fault he has no money. Employ all necessary legal means to get him out of your home asap. Police if necessary if he becomes threatening.

You need to protect all of you from this man who inveigled his way into your lives by stealth and manipulation of you all. Your son is certainly now being manipulated by this bloke to be like him and this man is also treating your DD appallingly; see the correlation between she and you?. Such men hate women, all of them.

Please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid going forward as it will help you. Your boundaries, already lowered by such an individual, need revising upwards and urgently.

What exactly is the problem with your daughter? Is it her behaviour in general he has a problem with or how you parent?

I think it's only fair to pay him the rent back, and he has paid lots of extras over the last few years. I have told him he can have the rent back and a little more ( but not as much as I offered last night).

I've told him I want him gone this evening, he says that is ok.

I am absolutely dreading this evening now...and I am sad. He has a way of making everything seem like it's my fault, or my daughters, nothing is his fault ever.

I would bag up all his stuff today and change the locks particularly if this property does not have his named attached to it in terms of he being on a mortgage.

He targeted you OP, of that I have no doubts whatsoever. This is why I also mention you doing the Freedom Programme.

Jesus. I agree with PPs who have said pack up and eject his stuff then change the locks. Call the police if he makes a fuss. Do not give him any money. You will set a precedent and he will 100% ask for more at a future date.

Your priority should be getting him away from your children as soon as possible. He is dripping poison in your son's ear and abusing your daughter. Don't let it go on another minute!

Re my daughter - he says she is manipulative, controls me, everything in the house is on her terms, doesn't tidy up after herself and is rude.

To me she is a little messy yes, but does well at school, always does her homework, is a kind girl ( I have strangers telling me this), and is just a normal kid. I don't know what he expects from her.

She was just in the kitchen last night and walked past him and he told her to go away, then told her it's all her fault about us breaking up, and that she knows exactly what she is doing.

Son is 15.

I think he has deliberately made your son a golden child and made your daughter the scapegoat, he does this so that he can manipulate and control the household
He's a piece of shit, get rid of him

This is but one in a myriad of ways of how abusive men behave towards others. Its never their fault OP in their head; its always the "fault" of others. He would have gone onto make your son a carbon copy of his own abusive self if he stayed in your home.

Make after he has gone a brighter future for your own self and your children. Work on your own self in terms of self worth, boundaries and seeing red flags in relationships through counselling. Teach your children positive and good lessons about relationships.

I think it's worth paying the money to get rid of him. Even how he has been I wouldn't want him on the streets, he has always paid his way.

He is a calculating toe rag.
Change the locks, pack up his stuff, refund this month's rent if you feel you must.
No more!
He is trying to isolate you from both your children. Family therapy may be a good idea, but it sounds like he had brainwashed your son . The danger is that your son is modelling his behaviour. Do the school have any pastoral support that you can ask for advice.

It is not your daughter.

It is HIM. and he's using your son as back up against her.

Your poor poor daughter.

It's HIS fault that you're splitting, his behaviour, his treatment, his abuse.

He is abusing your daughter AND your son as well as yourself. You will all be a thousand times better without him.

Please seriously consider either throwing his things out now whilst he is out or at least packing them up so all he has to do is go.

Do not do this without a support person if possible - a friend, a family member or a neighbour. Someone as a witness and as emotional support . I'd wonder if he'd not leave a bit easier with a seperate adult witness around too.