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Original poster

Splitting Up - daughter, oh, what a mess

302 replies

bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 09:38

I was hoping for some advice. I don't know where to start.

I live with my partner and we have been together 4 years. I want to split up but he makes me think I am being unreasonable.

I have a son and a daughter ( not his ) he is generally good with them and gets on well with my son. He seems to think my daughter manipulates me and tells us all this. We had a huge row last night where he got my son on side and told my DD this situation is all her fault, she is a bully etc. To me she is a normal 13 year old - he tells me I can't see it.

He is now saying he won't leave unless I give him some money. To be fair he pays rent and I can give him this months back and I stupidly said I would give him more just to get rid of him. He is now saying if I pay it he is gone....and won't take any less. Half of me thinks just to do it to get rid of him ( he has no money of his own) and half of me thinks not.

I feel so confused if he does have a point about my daughter, but surely as an adult he souldn't be saying those things to her ( even if they do have an element of truth).

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 08/11/2019 10:24

Get him out reassure your daughter its not her most importantly and dont ever let her think it is her fault please...she is a child and needs to be protected from his malice and tell your son to shut up too ...family comes first ...

aneedtochange · 08/11/2019 10:24

It is pefectly normal for brother and sister not to get on in their Teenage years. However your OH Is playing on this and manipulating your son. Don't allow this to go on any longer and get rid of bad rubbish and concentrate on being the best example to your children as you can be.

BarbourellaTheCoatzilla · 08/11/2019 10:26

Maybe use that money to treat your children to apologise you introduced them to suck a cocklodging arsehole and mend bridges with your flesh and blood. Don't pay money to some wanker who has upset your children and tried to undermine your parenting. He's entitled to nothing but a boot up the arse out the door. Why are you putting him over your children still?

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 10:27

He's saying now that I am controlled by her and sod anyone else....and that my son knows this and can see how she is top and he is at the bottom.

What an absolute prick!

OP posts:
sausagepastapot · 08/11/2019 10:28

Kick him the fuck out, life's too short to put up with this shit

Drum2018 · 08/11/2019 10:28

You don't owe him anything that he may have contributed in the past. He has had the use of your home - that's his compensation. If he has paid rent up to the end of November then give that back. But don't bother giving any more than that. Please change the locks today if possible. Have his things packed up so he doesn't get to hang around this evening.

As for the kids, you need to sit them down and have a serious talk about how this man has manipulated you all. You need to make your Ds understand that it is not ok for anyone to do this and make your dd understand that this is not her fault. Your dd will probably be delighted. Your Ds may be annoyed. But they need to learn that a relationship cannot continue based on manipulation, threats, verbal and emotional abuse. You are protecting them both by getting rid of that vile man. If possible have another adult with you when he gets home this evening. If he does kick off don't hesitate to call the police.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 10:29

I'm not putting him above them, I think morally he shouldn't be left with nothing. Also if he had some money I would know he would have somewhere so is less likely to come back.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2019 10:29

Get him out of your house asap; call the police to have him removed if needs be. He has poisoned the very heart of your household by his weaselly words and abusive presence.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 08/11/2019 10:29

OP, is there anyone else - family? - who could have your DS and DD stay this evening so that you can get this man out of your house without them around?

HiHoToffee · 08/11/2019 10:29

If you don't kick him out you will allow him and your son to bully DD. You will lose her. Your son will be ok and hopefully his attitude can changed.
Protect your children, get rid.

Blobby10 · 08/11/2019 10:30

@bangheadhere40 I don't believe for one minute that your daughter is the monster this person is making her out to be. And he is despicable for manipulating things and coming between you, your son and your daughter .

May I suggest that if you go down the route of paying him to go away, get something in writing? It doesn't have to be a solicitors letter but something where you agree x amount on condition that he leaves on x date, hands over all keys and doesn't contact you, your son or daughter again. Get him to sign it too.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 10:30

Yes my son is too far gone to understand I think, and will blame me and his sister for this I imagine.

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 08/11/2019 10:30

Can you please pack his stuff and get it outside. Get the locks changed and go out with your kids later, for dinner, cinema, anywhere not home.

Tell him to get his stuff and be gone by whatever time suits you. Then if you want to give him half the rent or whatever back just bank transfer it to him.

After that you start working on your relationship with your children and in turn their relationship with each other.

YOU need some help, counselling and sounds like the teens do too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2019 10:31

If not your fault if he leaves with nothing; morals do not come into it. As an unmarried partner he has no rights in law either if the relationship breaks down. He will soon find another sucker of a woman (and that is also what he thinks of you because these men really do hate women) to leech from and otherwise sponge off.

Your main priorities going forward are your own self to rebuild you and your children because they will need rebuilding as well. He has done a lot of emotional harm to you all in the time he has been in your home.

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2019 10:32

If you can afford it, some family therapy might be in order so that your son can see that he and his sister come first and that you've done the right thing

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 10:32

He has text and said as long as I move the money over today he will leave tonight.

My son is out for an hour later but my daughter will be home, I don't really have anyone I could ask to come over.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2019 10:33

No, I disagree that your son is too far gone and family therapy could well help you all recover from your so called partner's abuses of you all. Your son and daughter needs to unlearn the crap lessons that he has been taught to date by this man and you about relationships.

UdderMilkWood · 08/11/2019 10:34

Bloody hell @bangheadhere40; what a piece of work he is.

Well done making the initial moves to get him out.

How dare he interfere in your and your kids' relationships like this. He is entirely wrong, and how he's treating your daughter AND your son is entirely wrong.

You've asked him to leave, so he must leave.
Paying him back this month's rent is generous, but reasonable.
Paying him any more is basically robbing your children - when you spend money in a relationship you do not get that back when the relationship ends. As others say, get the police involved if need be. Be firm. Show your kids that this is happening. Be supportive and understanding that they will find it hard, but you have NO need to apologise for getting rid of this man.
Good luck, and well done.

Coolwinter · 08/11/2019 10:34

He was screaming last night and told DD it's all your fault this is happening, he tells my son the same. He can be so nasty to her. he just says I am in denial about what she is like.

He shouldn’t be screaming at anyone. To be honest if it’s not a huge amount of money I’d give him in and see him gone and change the locks. It’s your home isn’t it.

Separating is not a time to be thinking clearly it’s way too emotional and volatile. So not a time to be then arguing over kids - they are probably being used to vent his anger. Not good.

You can contact women’s aid now as he is screaming at your children. That is not okay. But really I’d pay him and get him out of the house and then get to women’s aid anyway for guidance over how to deal with access arrangements. If he’s pulling these emotional stunts now he will afterwards too.

Reallybadidea · 08/11/2019 10:35

Jesus Christ don't give him any extra money, use it to get your daughter (and son) some therapy cos God knows they're going to need it after this!

Take both kids out to the cinema/dinner/whatever while he's packing. Or pack his stuff up while he's out. Please protect them from witnessesing any more of his nasty, manipulative shit. This kind of stuff damages kids.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 10:35

He also seems very bitter that I have some savings and a house.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 08/11/2019 10:36

Pack his stuff while the children are out so he doesn’t have to come into the house. Say you will pay the money when he leaves and not before.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 08/11/2019 10:37

How old is your son? As soon as your partner moves out, change the locks. If possible, take your DD and DS away to visit a friend or stay with a relative whilst your partner packs his stuff. Your relationship is over. They don't need to see him again especially when he's trying to drive a wedge between them.
If there's another family member or family friend that your DS respects, get them to speak to him and explain that it isn't fair to blame his DSIS for your relationship ending.

LemonBreeland · 08/11/2019 10:38

Please listen to the people telling you to bag up his stuff and leave it outside. Don't let him create more drama tonight. If you decide to give him money (I don't think you should) do it by bank transfer.

Then hole up with your kids and spend some time apologising to them about bringing this man into their lives. Sit your son down and explain that it is not his sisters fault and that this man is abusive and you don't want him to think this is normal.

But seriously, do not let him back into the house. It will only make things worse.

Original poster
bangheadhere40 · 08/11/2019 10:38

I was going to give him his rent back for this month ( £600) plus an extra couple of hundred, and he has put money in over the years and bought extra shopping, stuff for the house etc

OP posts:
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