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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’d do anything for her

221 replies

Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 21:14

I was with my partner for 5 years , we have 2 amazing boys , without going into details I was a complete dickhead , I never cheated and was never violent towards her , but I was constantly stoned , emotionally unavailable I am guilty of Gas lighting , communication broke down , I wasn’t supportive when she needed me , I acted like some kind of Peter Pan and didn’t want to grow up , I started smoking weed when I was 12 , I’m 39 now .
We initially split in December , and to cut a long story short we decided to give it another go , I had stopped smoking for a couple of months but started again shortly after we reconciled, she never really committed to giving it another try , although I understand why , so we separated again at the beginning of August, she hasn’t spoken to me since , she’s not let me see the boys and refuses to speak to me at all , I haven’t smoked since that day , I have been attending support groups for the smoking , I started going to the gym regularly I now have 2 jobs I have been to the doctors for help , I’m doing everything in my power to change the behaviour that ended our relationship, she still refuses to speak to me , I have texted and asked her to tell me to give up , she hasn’t even said it’s over , what do I do ?? I don’t want to give up on her or us being a family !!
Any advice would be appropriated , I have the c100 form ready because I need to see my kids , but I still love her ... is it a lost cause ?

OP posts:
pictish · 08/10/2019 21:17

She doesn’t owe you another chance even if you have done all of those things to sort yourself out.

Shoxfordian · 08/10/2019 21:19

She's entitled to decide she doesn't want to be with you after all this. Its good that you're improving yourself and you're doing better but she's done and you should accept it. Maybe next time you meet someone, it'll go better

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 21:20

How many chances do you think she should take? Only to get fucked over per usual. If you were her, would you risk going through all that bullshit yet again? Sometimes the damage you do cannot be undone.

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 21:21

She doesn’t owe me anything, if anything I owe her , I have to earn her trust , I just want a chance to prove myself

OP posts:
pictish · 08/10/2019 21:21

You didn’t do the thing that would have prevented the relationship from breaking down in the first place...and that’s to sort yourself out before she got sick of your shit.

Sorry to be blunt but there it is.

fikel · 08/10/2019 21:22

But you didn’t do anything for her though!
Let her move on

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 21:23

I just want a chance to prove myself

You had a chance. Probably more chances than you know. But you blew it. You need to accept that and allow her to move on.

Shoxfordian · 08/10/2019 21:23

Not to be harsh but you had 5 years to prove yourself and prioritised weed over her the whole time

expatinspain · 08/10/2019 21:25

She doesn't need to give you anymore chances with her, but she should let you see your children.

pictish · 08/10/2019 21:26

And let’s not kid yourself here...none of this is ‘for her’ it’s for you. You don’t want the relationship to be over so you’re pulling out all the stops to get things back to how you want them.

There’s absolutely no benefit or sense in her taking you back from her perspective is there?

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 21:28

It wasn’t always bad , I got hurt in the process too, people make mistakes

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 08/10/2019 21:28

It might be. If I were you I would continue doing what you are doing but you have to do it for yourself in the first instance. Stay away from drugs, get fit and healthy and don't harass your partner.

If you can show you are clean living you will be able to see your kids again.

You do have to accept though that your partner may never want to be with you again. Gaslighting is an awful thing to do and something a lot of people would find very difficult to forgive.

Do everything you can to live a better life and just hope for the best without any expectations of your partner.

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 21:29

Pic tish that’s not the case at all , I want her to be happy with me or without me

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 21:30

People make mistakes

Yes, they do. Your ex made one taking you back the first time. She clearly doesn't want to make that mistake again. Her, unlike you, has actually learned something from this disaster.

pictish · 08/10/2019 21:31

So stop gushing about doing anything, earning her trust and needing a chance to prove yourself...just accept you blew it and work on yourself in dignified quiet.

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 21:32

Idontwanttotalk thank you for being civil , when I say gaslighting it was really in regards to the weed , I was an addict and so I manipulated situations so that I could continue to smoke , thank you for the advice .

OP posts:
Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 21:34

Wow there’s a lot of hostility here , I was genuinely hoping for advice and it feels a lot like a verbal attack !

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 08/10/2019 21:35

Stop focusing on trying to get the relationship back, it's over. Get the court application in and focus on seeing your children.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 21:35

Wow there’s a lot of hostility here , I was genuinely hoping for advice and it feels a lot like a verbal attack !

We're not being hostile, we're being truthful. You're offended because the truth isn't what you want to hear.

CodenameVillanelle · 08/10/2019 21:36

You've had advice.
You're also asking a group of mostly women many of whom have been in shitty relationships like you describe and been victims to drug addicted or generally crappy men. So maybe this isn't your target market?

pictish · 08/10/2019 21:40

I don’t know what you were hoping for or expecting.
By your own admission you were a dreadful partner and she doesn’t want you back. If you’re looking for ideas on how to convince her, you have come to the wrong place.

Raphael34 · 08/10/2019 21:41

This wasn’t a mistake. It was 5 years of hell. You’ve had enough chances. Now she’s desperately trying to protect her children from your toxicity and bullshit. Good luck in court

user1481840227 · 08/10/2019 21:42

She needs to let you see your boys so just focus on that.

AuntyElle · 08/10/2019 21:42

I have texted and asked her to tell me to give up

Take responsibility for the end of the relationship yourself. You ended it with your behaviour, by the sounds of it.

I need to see my kids

Nowhere do you express concern about your kids’ needs. They should be central. But you’re post is all about you.

category12 · 08/10/2019 21:45

You blew it when you got back with her and more or less immediately started smoking again. She'd be a fool to take you back.

You need to sort yourself out for your children's sake, be a good engaged father and not a fuck-up. When you get access, be reliable, be consistent, turn up everytime, don't let them down.

Pay child support, on time, the right amount everytime.

None of the above would mean she needs to give a second thought to trying agaiin with you - again, she'd be a fool to - but you can look yourself in the mirror at least.

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