I’d do anything for her

[Granadella1]

I was with my partner for 5 years , we have 2 amazing boys , without going into details I was a complete dickhead , I never cheated and was never violent towards her , but I was constantly stoned , emotionally unavailable I am guilty of Gas lighting , communication broke down , I wasn’t supportive when she needed me , I acted like some kind of Peter Pan and didn’t want to grow up , I started smoking weed when I was 12 , I’m 39 now .
We initially split in December , and to cut a long story short we decided to give it another go , I had stopped smoking for a couple of months but started again shortly after we reconciled, she never really committed to giving it another try , although I understand why , so we separated again at the beginning of August, she hasn’t spoken to me since , she’s not let me see the boys and refuses to speak to me at all , I haven’t smoked since that day , I have been attending support groups for the smoking , I started going to the gym regularly I now have 2 jobs I have been to the doctors for help , I’m doing everything in my power to change the behaviour that ended our relationship, she still refuses to speak to me , I have texted and asked her to tell me to give up , she hasn’t even said it’s over , what do I do ?? I don’t want to give up on her or us being a family !!
Any advice would be appropriated , I have the c100 form ready because I need to see my kids , but I still love her ... is it a lost cause ?

You mention your ex a lot but not your children. Maybe you should focus on them?

please can you stop commenting on my thread , with all due respect I wanted constructive advice , not to feel like I’m being attacked , you’ve mocked me on every comment. I was an addict but I played an active role in the upbringing of my kids , I already know my faults I don’t need you to further highlight them. Thanks

Indeed there is a noticeable lack of talk about your children.

What advice? How to coerce your ex into taking you back? We are not going to do that.

I have not mentioned the kids because I was asking for advice about my relationship, I’m trying to separate one relationship from the other.

Good for you for making changes. Whatever your drive that won't have been easy and you deserve credit for that.

However, in relation to your relationship if I'm reading what you're saying right you feel you blew it when you started smoking again when you got back together? I doubt that. You will have been killing your relationship slowly the whole time. Her love for you probably very slowly died and would take a long time and a lot of hard work to get back. I think you said you felt like she didnt really try herself then? She probably didn't. I imagine she felt beaten down by it all and was giving it one last shot because you had demonstrated some change and she felt she owed it to your kids rather than you, or her. When you went back to your old ways she probably thought you'd never change.

I suspect what she has done in the time since you split the last time is realise she's doing just fine without you and all the hard work living with an addict brings. I expect she realises that she doesn't have to live a life on pins, waiting to see if you fall off the wagon and let her and your children down again. I expect, and I'm sorry to say it, she has realised life without you is better than the life she knew with you.

As you acknowledge, she owes you nothing. She will likely (justifiably) feel she has done the right thing by her and your children. She has no evidence from your relationship to suggest you can provide a stable home for them as a couple.

Your best bet now is to keep doing what you're doing for now. Make self improvements. Stop asking her to give you a chance. She knows you want to try again, simply because she hasn't said the words doesn't mean her actions haven't told you. You know what impresses a woman who is a mother more than anything? A man who puts the kids first. Who steps up and owns that. Sadly, I think there is no hope for your relationship with her, focus on you, and your children.

I think people are just trying to tell you that, as you suspect, this sounds like a lost cause. You could try to win her back but, if you do, you should really commit to not messing her around any further and you need to respect her decision if she doesn’t want to go there.

Don't post if you don't want honest replies. I, along with everyone else, have given you the same exact advice - leave your ex alone and be man enough to let her move on. Your fragile little ego speaks volumes.

I’m not disagreeing with you possibly I am but does trying to be better and trying to be the person that she needs make me self indulgent?

Tough love from me OP - the person she needs you to be is a reliable, calming and proactive co-parent. That's it at the moment, any other expectations about your relationship with her absolutely need to be off the table for now.

It's great you've recognised past mistakes and yes everyone makes them but (and this is not an attack, you asked for opinions) it feels like you've started making necessary changes but have immediately romanticised this.

She has been let down by you not following through on promises before so now, as rubbish as it feels for you, you're starting from a step further back for every time you haven't made good on your previous promises.

She has to put your boys first and even putting on her "just tell me it's over" is unfair at the moment I'm afraid. You need to carry on making positive changes and let this play out.

But the positive changes are to be done for your boys - getting back with her may or may not happen but the changes you've said you are making are ones you absolutely should be making for your boys sake regardless of your relationship with their mum.

I've had a couple of exes who have pulled out all the stops when I've finally been done with the relationship and I've always found it quite hurtful that they only did that when they lost me. So their positive changes were made in reaction to their loss, but my previous crying and begging and supporting and being hurt wasn't enough for them to change - only them being hurt was.

Please try not to feel victimised OP people are just being honest with you and some of the messages on here may be in line with your ex's feelings so it's useful for you to be aware of.

Like I said, onwards and upwards for your boys. The other stuff can wait but they need you to be your best self as soon as possible.

Try to respect that for whatever reason she doesn't want to discuss your relationship and show her that your focus is on your boys, everything else can wait.

Self-indulgent... Well your posts are really all about you and what you’ve lost and what you want - and plenty of what she has not done and will not do. Whilst casting yourself in the role of a flawed but reawakened and remorseful man. There is no real understanding of the impact your shit behaviour has had. Over years. Over the most crucial time for your kids and their mum. Yes, self-indulgent.
That’s why I posted an example of just one of the stages of genuine self-examination (as opposed to self-indulgence) many addicts choose and need to go through.

I've had a couple of exes who have pulled out all the stops when I've finally been done with the relationship and I've always found it quite hurtful that they only did that when they lost me. So their positive changes were made in reaction to their loss, but my previous crying and begging and supporting and being hurt wasn't enough for them to change - only them being hurt was.

This ^

It’s not my intention to be hostile or aggressive. I’ve offered my opinion and I’ll leave it there.

And the fact that you post about trying to regain the relationship with your ex, rather than with your children, says it all. Your priority - if you had integrity - would be how to be a decent father to your kids.

Thank you thatcurlygirl and needsomebottle , i will never go back to being who I was , I am focused on the boys , they are my priority , I appreciate your insight .

If you have smoked weed for over 25 years you will be in recovery for a long time.

Can you do recovery alone? Will you really be able to face difficult times without relapsing? What support do you have? Do you have friends who are non drug users?

Focus on your boys and getting clean. People who smoke weed don't know how awful they are to be around so your priority must be to keep off the drugs.

1 year clean will feel better than now, 2 years will be much better...

You had probably thousands of chances and blew them all spectacularly. It's good that you realise that you really need to change and it sometimes takes hitting rock bottom to reach that place. But you can't lash out defensively at people here giving you solid truths and good, honest advice. Read the comments back a few times, and try to do it calmly. It's not pleasant reading awful things about yourself, and things you don't want to hear but I think you should. Then try to take it on board. Use it to help motivate yourself to change. The relationship sounds dead in the water, and I can see why given the honest account you've given of it. You need to now concentrate on being a better person and a good dad. Set an example for your DC. And leave the poor woman in peace, it sounds like she's been through the mill being in a relationship with you. You can maybe redeem yourself by being a proper grown up, and a good coparent from now on. It's doubtful she'll take you back (I wouldn't!) but you owe it to her and your DC to start making their lives easier, not harder. Who knows what the future may hold? But you can't do it based on this hope. You have to change for you. And your DC. Pay your way. Turn up when you say you will. Quit the weed. Take an interest in the DC's lives. Don't argue. Resolve to be the best version of yourself you can be.

Just to be clear I purposely haven’t mentioned my kids too much because I have always had a good relationship with them , it’s her love I lost not theirs , please dont assume that because I haven’t posted in this group about them that I don’t in others , I asked about my relationship with their mother because I thought it was a relevant place to ask !

“I've had a couple of exes who have pulled out all the stops when I've finally been done with the relationship and I've always found it quite hurtful that they only did that when they lost me. So their positive changes were made in reaction to their loss, but my previous crying and begging and supporting and being hurt wasn't enough for them to change - only them being hurt was.”

This is why I said it’s not ‘for her’ it’s for you. The grand gestures after the split are often entirely self-serving. Your partner’s pain and upset held no water before you found yourself on the other side of the door.

When you can recognise that, then maybe you will have a chink of insight going forward.

And with that, I really am out.

I’ve got a horrible feeling that what you are taking from thatcurlygirl and needsomebottle‘s posts is that to get back into your ex’s life you need to prioritise the kids, or at least appear to. That wasn’t their intention, but...

But try to see OP that while they may not love you less, this is again romanticising the situation.

The reality is that your previous behaviour has meant their mum has had a lack of day to day support, had to shoulder a massive amount of responsibility and be even more constant and present and engaged with them because you weren't there either physically or mentally due to your previous addiction. You can be somewhere but not be somewhere.

They don't love you less of course but they did need you to be a more active co-parent than you were.

Love isn't enough unfortunately and I know it's shit to hear but the things they need from you are things they can't articulate yet but are so important. For example a 5 year old isn't going to ask for stability and a strong role model but they really need them.

The good news is there is never a better time to change than today - keep focused on your boys and your self improvement, just be conscious not to rely on the concept of love and longing when it's the boring nuts and bolts stuff that really show love.

I’ve got a horrible feeling that what you are taking from thatcurlygirl and needsomebottle‘s posts is that to get back into your ex’s life you need to prioritise the kids, or at least appear to. That wasn’t their intention, but...

Argh @AuntyElle I hope you aren't right. Just to clarify OP as I said previously I think you have to take the relationship side of things totally off the table.

What everyone in the situation needs is for you to be a fully functioning, reliable and active father. No more romanticising or lamenting - time for action and not words.

A dad who’s been stoned much of the time has not “always had a good relationship” with his kids. Not from their point of view. Of course they love you, they’re only little, they have no choice. Doesn’t mean you haven’t upset them, neglected them, driven their mum to despair (which impacts on them).
If you can believe that then you are still seriously in denial.

I wasn’t romanticising anything I just appreciated words that didn’t make me feel like I was being attacked , but ok I get it you have all made it very clear I should give up on the idea of being a happy family again because no matter what I do I will never be able fix the mess I made .

I know, ThatCurlyGirl... but looking at the replies he responded to, it did occur to me.

See that right there is self-indulgent, ‘poor, poor me’ shite. And you can’t even see it.

12 steps isn’t for everyone, but you need it, OP.