I’d do anything for her

[Granadella1]

I was with my partner for 5 years , we have 2 amazing boys , without going into details I was a complete dickhead , I never cheated and was never violent towards her , but I was constantly stoned , emotionally unavailable I am guilty of Gas lighting , communication broke down , I wasn’t supportive when she needed me , I acted like some kind of Peter Pan and didn’t want to grow up , I started smoking weed when I was 12 , I’m 39 now .
We initially split in December , and to cut a long story short we decided to give it another go , I had stopped smoking for a couple of months but started again shortly after we reconciled, she never really committed to giving it another try , although I understand why , so we separated again at the beginning of August, she hasn’t spoken to me since , she’s not let me see the boys and refuses to speak to me at all , I haven’t smoked since that day , I have been attending support groups for the smoking , I started going to the gym regularly I now have 2 jobs I have been to the doctors for help , I’m doing everything in my power to change the behaviour that ended our relationship, she still refuses to speak to me , I have texted and asked her to tell me to give up , she hasn’t even said it’s over , what do I do ?? I don’t want to give up on her or us being a family !!
Any advice would be appropriated , I have the c100 form ready because I need to see my kids , but I still love her ... is it a lost cause ?

@Egghead68 God I hope she is so she can see him getting called out. Gave me a chuckle!

Granadella, welcome to Mumsnet!! 😂

I'm going to annoy them all now by apologising for all the smug, superior, ungenerous and judgemental comments. There are some people on here who just mouth off and attack others who've come on and been honest and asked for advice and support. You're quite right - that's not what the site is supposed to be for.

Consider yourself as having landed in Mad Max world and been attacked by crazy psycho hyenas and I've just driven up beside you in a mad machine and given you a hand up.☺️

Firstly: so well done for every single moment you've been clean. Every minute is another achievement and a step away from all the rubbish behind you. Beating an addiction is an immense personal challenge and you are nailing it, so WELL DONE. You're on a good road now. Feel good. Be happy.

Next: it's a great road, because it will eventually mean you can be the best dad you really are for your children. What you're doing now is, more than anything, a gift to them. You're going to give them yourself, a proper dad.

To understand: this is all going to take time. Every moment down your road, you're rebuilding yourself and your credit with others. That's another big achievement. And a hopeful journey. But you've got, by the sounds of it, quite a bit to make up for.

Your partner has made her decision I would think as much to protect the kids as for herself or anything else. She may even, somewhere deep inside, have also realised it was the only way to help you.

My advice is:
Don't expect anything from her. You effectively messed up her life, her kids' lives and her family by not being able to cope, by the addiction, unfortunately (another good reason to have kicked that shxt). You have most likely fxxxed it up with her for at least the foreseeable future, and maybe permanently. BUT you are co-parents. You are not going out of each other's lives.

So: accept the effect of how you were (I think I know this and have). Don't expect anything. Work on your freedom from that past, and enjoy being yourself again. Get strong. For your kids.

Put the relationship with your partner on hold for now in your mind, and concentrate on getting solidly better and good for your kids. They need you. (Not you chemically altered - just pure you)

You are obviously going to have to keep on diligently and hope that in time (and plan for it to take a long time), you will be given a hearing. Don't expect a chance at a relationship for now. Work on deserving a chance to be normally in your children's lives.

She's had to be both parents. You've really put her in a situation where she couldn't rely on you at all, and she finally realised it would be a lot easier without you. You have to earn the trust back. I think you get that.

Ask nothing. Do your job of getting stronger every moment. Be there for your kids. Get ready for the day when she finally begins at least to see you as someone who is taking this seriously. And never let them down again. It's not an option. You know that, too.

Ok I’m going to withdraw from this conversation, it seems like it’s become an opportunity for some of you to be spiteful , I have no problem with constructive criticism and I thank those of you that have tried to be helpful , I am taking responsibility for my actions , if you spend your life blaming others for your mistakes you rob yourself of the chance to change .

Typo:
Accept the effect of how you were (I think you know this).

Thank you lottelupin

You're very welcome!

And of course you're totally right that the only way forwards is, having honestly assessed where you've gone wrong, to try not to get freaked out by it and instead to move on in a better, stronger way. Which is what you're doing. Perfect.

And you have to do it. Not for you (both), but for your (shared) children. For your kids.

Do the very best job of it you can, and they'll have a dad to be proud of.

You’re a man OP. You will not receive very good advice on here from all these perfect posters who have never done anything wrong

Well done for making changes. Continue doing this. You need to respect her decision either way and just concentrate on being a good father.

lottielupin you can't apologise on behalf of people ffs. Who made you the official voice of mumsnet?! Fuck off mate.

I think you've done really well to get to this point. Could you try to write her a letter? Sometimes they are a really good way to explain your feelings and situation now and an apology. It will be hard for her to believe you so just take any positive as a great thing. She should be letting you see the kids. 🤞 for you.

^what @Clayplease said. But make the letter a genuine apology, not justifying yourself or trying to make her feel bad. Well done on what you have done for you so far, focus on getting it right for you and your children.

You could suggest mediation as a way of sorting out contact with the children, I expect she will want some reassurance that you will not relapse. As for your relationship with her, that has probably gone forever. If she ever gives you another chance (from what you have said it seems unlikely) it will take far more than staying clean to put it right.

You will have broken her heart and her trust, perhaps forever. It might be that too much has happened for you to ever get back what you had, it will never be the same. I think you should make your peace with this and put that energy into your boys and supporting her as the father of her children.

Well done for acknowledging what went wrong in your relationship and trying to put it right.
You could have done nothing and continued weed smoking and lying.
But you are evolving into someone better and stronger and realising the error of your ways.
Just be a good father and role model for your boys.

Lottelupin wins dickpanderer of the week! 🏆

Indeed, @Codename. The OP has in fact had excellent advice on here. It's just that the majority are also calling him on his self-absorption, self-righteousness and self-congratulatory tendencies.

If trying to change yourself to be a better person , accepting your mistakes and trying to rectify them and not wanting to give up on Being a family makes me self absorbed then I guess I am , the self righteous don’t ask for advice , if you can explain what you mean with an example it may be more helpful

Not wanting to give up on being a family IS Self absorbed because you're only looking at the situation from your perspective and not respecting her wishes and what she has said.
She has told you the relationship is over. You need to listen to her and accept her decision. None of this is about you and what you want anymore.

ODFOD lottelupin

You speak for yourself. Nobody else.

You've given exactly the same advice as most of the posters on this thread. But you, uniquely, felt the need to insult ALL of us, by calling us crazy psycho hyenas.

Who is making smug, superior, ungenerous and judgemental comments here? You are lottelupin

Hi OP

I've read your posts. I'm going to ask you why you think she should give you another chance?

Not from your perspective - not from the perspective that you've realised the error of your ways and are making changes, but from her perspective.

She spent 5 years being gaslighted by you. 5 years of sadness, frustration, anger, hurt and betrayal. She already gave you a second chance.

Her friends will support the break up; her family will support the break up. Your children will now be living in a healthier environment.

What possible benefit would there be to her in giving you another chance?

I think the kindest thing you could do would be to be the best dad you can be for your children and to walk away from her.

You've messed with her head enough over the years, don't put ending the relationship onto her too (eg telling her you'll leave her alone if she tells you to).

If she has already told you it is over, them you need to listen to that.

I understand that you want another chance. But that does not mean that she owes you one. Or yet another one as it were.

I'm happy that you're taking steps to get rid of your bad habits OP, well done for that. Hopefully you continue to refrain from smoking and remain gainfully employed.

Having said that, the absence of vices and bad habits doesn't mean a person is suddenly doing well - it means they are operating on a minimum default level. It is the presence of good habits that make someone a good person.

You're still in a relatively fragile stage. Take the time to work on yourself and develop as a person. Join a gym. Remain present in the lives of your children. Provide assitance to the mother of your children without expectation. Become comfortable being this new version of you.

Who knows, it might lead to reconciliation, it might not. But at least when you are truly ready for a relationship you'll be able to be a physically and emotionally healthy partner, to whomever that may be.

Best of luck.

@TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower

"If she has already told you it is over, them you need to listen to that."

It doesn't sound as if she has though as in his first post the OP stated:
"I have texted and asked her to tell me to give up, she hasn’t even said it’s over"

That is probably why he still has hope. She may well be hoping he can sort his life out and be a family again if she hasn't told him anything to the contrary, despite him asking.

OP, keep on with what you are doing. I think @lottelupin's advice is good and I wish you well. Come back when you have been clean for a year and let us know how well you are doing.

Idontwanttotalk but if she were receptive to him, she would be giving him that chance.

She's given you many chances and you blew every one of them. There's no coming back from that so you may as well just accept it.

If you ever loved her you would respect her decision to end the relationship and stop searching for ways to undermine it.

If this is how you are in real life, no wonder she's checked out. You've done nothing but pay lip service. Frankly you had years of chances more than you should have.
And, just to clarify, the moment that anyone puts themselves above their child (as you did with smoking) they cease to be a good parent. So your "good father" claim is irrelevant here.
You are still making excuses and refusing to acknowledge that your ex partner absolutely deserves freedom from you and your shit treatment of her. I hope she's much happier.

@Idontwanttotalk if she's stopped having contact with him or letting him have contact with the kids for months that's a pretty clear indication that she doesn't want to be with him.

we decided to give it another go , I had stopped smoking for a couple of months but started again shortly after we reconciled, she never really committed to giving it another try

Did you manage to type that with a straight face, by the way?

You were the one who never committed. That was a blatant piss take on your part - promising to change to manipulate her into taking you back and then as soon as she did throwing it all back in her face and reverting to your previous behaviour.

What's the difference between you stopping for a couple of months then to manipulate her into taking you back, and you stopping for a couple of months now as you continue trying to manipulate her into taking you back?

But you don't like being challenged so I expect you'll announce you're leaving the thread again.