Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’d do anything for her

221 replies

Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 21:14

I was with my partner for 5 years , we have 2 amazing boys , without going into details I was a complete dickhead , I never cheated and was never violent towards her , but I was constantly stoned , emotionally unavailable I am guilty of Gas lighting , communication broke down , I wasn’t supportive when she needed me , I acted like some kind of Peter Pan and didn’t want to grow up , I started smoking weed when I was 12 , I’m 39 now .
We initially split in December , and to cut a long story short we decided to give it another go , I had stopped smoking for a couple of months but started again shortly after we reconciled, she never really committed to giving it another try , although I understand why , so we separated again at the beginning of August, she hasn’t spoken to me since , she’s not let me see the boys and refuses to speak to me at all , I haven’t smoked since that day , I have been attending support groups for the smoking , I started going to the gym regularly I now have 2 jobs I have been to the doctors for help , I’m doing everything in my power to change the behaviour that ended our relationship, she still refuses to speak to me , I have texted and asked her to tell me to give up , she hasn’t even said it’s over , what do I do ?? I don’t want to give up on her or us being a family !!
Any advice would be appropriated , I have the c100 form ready because I need to see my kids , but I still love her ... is it a lost cause ?

OP posts:
Grimbles · 10/10/2019 11:48

You're an emotionally unavailable, constantly stoned dickhead who lied and gaslighted her. You were given a chance but reverted back to your previous behaviour.

Now you are surprised that she doesn't believe you have changed just yet and is keeping the 2 young boys away from you (both under the age of 5)?

Why should she believe that you are no longer permanently stoned, or wont slip back into being a stoner when you have your boys with you?

Her job is to protect her boys, any contact is for the benefit of the boys, not you.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 12:03

I think the best thing you can do is concentrate on getting your life on track so you can have a good relationship with your boys. I think after what you put your ex through, it would be unfair of you to try to pressure her into taking you back. She's looking after herself. If you would do anything for her, then do what she wants and allow her to move on with her life

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 12:16

Dione ? Um ... That I'm abused and need to do the Freedom programme? That I'm operating on received/conditioned 'truths' and can't see beyond that? That I'm (unwittingly - hence need to do FP) co-operating/coping to survive? And that when I encounter an explicitly abusive OP (arguable), I replay my own situation and validate his wheedling strategy to get back into the life of his partner?

? Just a few. What I've said on here wouldn't suggest that. Am beginning to wonder who you are.

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/10/2019 12:30

Lotte, you wrote that you have been abused: "Trust me, I could play no trumps in abuse. I've got pretty much all the top cards in every suit. I know about it." Your responses to the abuser on this thread are operating on received/conditioned 'truths' and can't see beyond that. An example being that you dont consider the OP to be very abusive, based on nothing.

Am beginning to wonder who you are.
Huh?Confused I am DionetheDiabolist.

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 12:37

Just because I said I'd experienced abuse, doesn't mean to say I was the one directly abused, or that I or whoever I know is still in that situation.

Read his posts. I am completely aware that we can't know exactly how he behaved, but I don't see any explicit information that he was an abusive character - more that he was a dysfunctional parter and father due to drug addiction. I was commenting on that basis.

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/10/2019 13:41

Then what did you mean when you said Trust me, I could play no trumps in abuse. I've got pretty much all the top cards in every suit.

ThatCurlyGirl · 10/10/2019 14:05

I think many of you are right , she will probably never want me again and I will accept that , but hey only she knows that really so I won’t stop trying to better myself and be the person that she and my kids needs in whatever capacity because of some negative comments.

OP nobody has really argued otherwise. Even people who have upset you have said you need to take the relationship off the table other than being co-parents. And you agree with them as you said the above.

Nobody is trying to make you fail or stop trying to be better I think they (like me) are pointing out that conflating being with her and being with the kids is complicating things for you because they are totally separate issues.

I'm a former addict. I'm embarrassed about some of my past behaviour. I've lost friends along the way and I don't blame them at all, it was me who fucked up.

But me saying to them "tell me to stop trying and I'll stop" would be manipulative - it's yet again placing all of the responsibility in her hands when she doesn't want it, she's done with it.

I'm glad to hear you're working on yourself and it's tough (I've been through it coming off a class a drug and it was fucking awful!) but being able to accept criticism without anger / well I may as well fucking give up then / yeah thats right I'm just a shit person etc is so so important.

I'm sure you'll learn that along your recovery and I hope you can be the best dad possible for your kids.

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 14:14

Dione I meant there are many manifestations of abuse and I've had experience of seemingly a whole load of them (whether as subject, observer, friend) - and my comment was in response to someone saying I knew f all about abuse (a groundless assumption).

Actually the most striking example of abuse I've seen is that of a female sociopath/possibly psychopath. Extraordinary, and although v disturbing, also interesting to catalogue. I may, it's true, he a bit wary of women assuming their superiority over other women, for that reason. That's probably more where my responses come from when defending OPs who are under attack.

Sorry. :(

lottiegarbanzo · 10/10/2019 14:22

Weird, then, that asserting YOUR superiority over other women is EXACTLY what you did in your post of Wed 09-Oct-19 00:41:05 then, lottelupin

Who needs psycopaths when we have sycophants, eh?

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/10/2019 14:56

So you have been a victim of abuse Lotte. And you are minimising abuse and placating abusers who come here. I do hope you get the help and support you need.Flowers

Pollaidh · 10/10/2019 14:58

I think there comes a point in any troubled relationship, where the other person is just 'done'. I came so close to it myself, when my DH was being an idiot, in the early years of our relationship, that I could feel myself falling out of love with him. He sorted himself out, and is now absolutely wonderful, but honestly, 1 more week, and I know I would have been 'done' and once that point was hit, there was no going back.

When you first fall for someone, you tend to put them on a pedestal, although as you get to know them better, you realise they are not perfect. But even when you love them 'warts and all' there should always be a little awe, a feeling that you are lucky to have them. Once that feeling has gone, I'm not sure it can ever come back.

I think you have to accept that you changed too late, and you've lost your chance with your ex, and she was probably wise to finish the relationship. You can't change that, but what you can do now is continue with the progress you've made on yourself, and do that for your kids, and yourself. One day you may meet someone new, and hopefully the next time, having worked on yourself, you won't mess that relationship up.

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/10/2019 15:04

lottiegarbanzo, abusers often tell their victims that they are "special and not like those other women".Hmm This distances the victim from support networks and bonds them even more closely to their abuser.Sad

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 17:46

Dione and Lottiegarb, what is this madness?! You guys are putting 2 and 1.5 together and coming up with 5,000! 😅

It must be my tone. I'm sorry. Not not a victim, and no not being superior over others. Am an observer. And dislike negativity in any form, so people telling someone attempting to clean his life up that he's beyond hope felt mean to me.

But now you (plural) are in gaslighting mode, nothing I say is being taken as intended.

And I'm afraid LottieGarbo has that kind of attack instinct that I really don't like on MN.

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 17:58

Only person abusing me right now is on this 'forum' 😂

sorrythisusernameisinuse · 10/10/2019 18:05

The title of this post is a red flag tbh

forumdonkey · 10/10/2019 18:07

FFS with all this abuse. It's really simple.... you can't can't make somebody love you. If OP's partner doesn't want to be with him, she shouldn't/ won't and nothing he does will change that. Given the background of the relationship it's fair to say it's over. Advice given to OP, whether he liked it or not was there is nothing he can do other than move on

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/10/2019 18:10

Lottelupin you said I could play no trumps in abuse. I've got pretty much all the top cards in every suit, you also said that you have had been the subject of abuse as well as an observer and friend.

Are you now saying that you have never been abused?

lottiegarbanzo · 10/10/2019 18:39

Lottelupin I'm angry with you because you've been shockingly rude to every woman on this thread. You've been pulled up on it. You haven't apologised.

You've positioned yourself as superior to every sensible, disinterested advice-giver here, myself included.

When challenged, rather than apologise, you presented yourself as special and beyond reproach.

You told us how much you dislike women 'assuming their superiority over other women' yet this is EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

Now, you're telling us how much you dislike people attacking other people - by attacking me and another poster!

I don't know you, of course but your posts on this thread are rude, arrogant and hypocritical.

I'm just 'calling it out', to use your phrase.

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 18:43

Yup Dione I most specifically said 'I've seen' or 'I'm an observer', etc. And that's the end of my convo with you because

Yup Forum ffs it's not the topic here and

Yup Sorrynameinuse the same thought struck me. 'I'd do anything for her' .... because .........

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 18:45

Lottegarbo im not interested and also not reading or responding. Not sure where your anger comes from and sorry you feel bad. I'm a total stranger so probably best you get some perspective. And the thread isn't about this. Also not fair to hijack it. Personal vendetta - please stop. My last on it

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/10/2019 18:52

You said that you were the subject of abuse Lotte and having AS'd you, you have said you were in an abusive relationship in the past and it looks like you're in one now.Sad

None of this is a surprise to me. Your rush to "rescue" the abusive OP of this thread. Your collusion with his denial. Your minimization of abuse. Your internalised misogyny. And now your denial of your own lived experience.Sad

forumdonkey · 10/10/2019 19:09

@DioneTheDiabolist and @lottelupin why not start a new thread to argue between yourselves?

lottiegarbanzo · 10/10/2019 19:26

Of course you're not responding. I've pulled you up on your rudeness and hypocrisy.

You've insulted me and every poster on this thread. I've drawn this to your attention.

So... apologise, or flounce, apologise, or flounce...

lottiegarbanzo · 10/10/2019 19:44

Oh, you've flounced. There's a surprise.

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 21:18

(Nope - as I said - removed myself from abusive situation!)

Swipe left for the next trending thread