I’d do anything for her

[Granadella1]

I was with my partner for 5 years , we have 2 amazing boys , without going into details I was a complete dickhead , I never cheated and was never violent towards her , but I was constantly stoned , emotionally unavailable I am guilty of Gas lighting , communication broke down , I wasn’t supportive when she needed me , I acted like some kind of Peter Pan and didn’t want to grow up , I started smoking weed when I was 12 , I’m 39 now .
We initially split in December , and to cut a long story short we decided to give it another go , I had stopped smoking for a couple of months but started again shortly after we reconciled, she never really committed to giving it another try , although I understand why , so we separated again at the beginning of August, she hasn’t spoken to me since , she’s not let me see the boys and refuses to speak to me at all , I haven’t smoked since that day , I have been attending support groups for the smoking , I started going to the gym regularly I now have 2 jobs I have been to the doctors for help , I’m doing everything in my power to change the behaviour that ended our relationship, she still refuses to speak to me , I have texted and asked her to tell me to give up , she hasn’t even said it’s over , what do I do ?? I don’t want to give up on her or us being a family !!
Any advice would be appropriated , I have the c100 form ready because I need to see my kids , but I still love her ... is it a lost cause ?

What abusive situation?

It’s only been a couple of months. If she really means that much to you then she’s going to need more time and more concrete reassurance that you have made a permanent change.
Rather than expect to come back, write to her, acknowledge what you’ve done and how it must have been for her and your boys. Tell her you accept that you do not deserve another chance, but would really appreciate her giving some thought to some contact with the boys. Suggest small contact at first to build her trust but keep it about the boys to start with. Appreciate she’s protecting her children and herself.
This should be about you doing what’s right for you and your boys and respecting their mum.

Maybe in time she’ll see you’ve changed and open up to you again. You have to earn it, not ask for it. Be patient. She has been with you up until August.

Wise words @Ozziewozzie

(Dione - the situation of you and Lottegarbo going in at me, unsolicited and a bit relentless! This isn't the thread!)

Ozzie I thought the same about time, and letter a v good idea for communicating without pressure. And shows seriousness.

That's utter bollocks Lottelupin. All I've done is reflect your hypocrisy back to you and draw attention to your sycophancy towards OP (which does make uncomfortable reading).

You solicited a response from everyone here with your post of Wed 09-Oct-19 00:41:05

To quote you: I'm going to annoy them all now by apologising for all the smug, superior, ungenerous and judgemental comments...

Consider yourself as having landed in Mad Max world and been attacked by crazy psycho hyenas and I've just driven up beside you in a mad machine and given you a hand up.

Then I may, it's true, he a bit wary of women assuming their superiority over other women

I responded becuase I'd had enough of being insulted by you. You are right though, that there was no need for it. Your words speak for themselves.

To OP, if by any chance you're still reading. The usual MN descent into intra-poster snippiness may not appear helpful to you. Actually though, what the thread as a whole has given you, is a really helpful illustration of the sort of advice, and advisor, that is going to be useful to you, and not so, if you're serious about getting your life back on track.

What was it that made realise you needed to change?

I'd say she's done with second chances. Think of those 5 years she has give you- you cant get that back within a few months of good behaviour. Especially when kids are involved- what have they seen? What questions have they been asking? Your behaviour is much more bigger than I think you realise.

Give her space, prove you are trying. I'm afraid you need to do serious work.

Good for you for stopping and doing something about it!

No one went in at you, solicited or otherwise Lotte. You were pulled on your arrogance, idiocy and lies/gaslighting on this thread.

Interesting that you cry abuse when Mnetters pull you up on things you said on a thread in the net, yet were so quick to minimise the OP's abuse of his Ex in the home they shared with their children.

Hi yes I have been reading , tbh it has been really helpful, I have given a lot of thought to all the comments , positive and negative, I have written the ones down that I feel are relevant so I can further understand how my actions and behaviour have got me into this situation and take full responsibility for them. I feel more focused , and have had to re-evaluate my motivation for doing what I am , the best part about sobriety is you get your feelings and emotions back , that is also the worst part . I have had to face up to how my actions have affected the people I care about most , so I have decided to continue working on myself , I want to be an example for my children, I want to be the best dad I possibly can be and hopefully in time I will get another chance to be with them all as a father and husband as a family , if not I will be there to help and Co parent to the best of my abilities.
I am putting in the court papers today because I can’t continue hoping and waiting for something that may never happen , not out of spite or anger but because it will be beneficial for the boys to have me in their life .
Some of the comments on here have been hurtful . Some constructive , some I feel we’re me being judged by someone else’s failure , I will succeed.
I really didn’t appreciate the negative comments about my recovery, addiction is a complex issue and you should never put someone down who is making an attempt to break a life long habit , thank you to those who have been supportive of that and to those who mocked you should really keep that to yourself.

Sounds like you are taking responsibility for yourself. Which is what I'm currently trying to do myself....it's bloody painful realizing your own mistakes, but all part of the process. We are all only human! Have you heard of Jordan Peterson? Might not be your thing, but he has some cool self help videos on YouTube. Been quite inspired by some of his ideas. Hope all goes well for you and your children

More power to you!! I hope your story continues to be successful and little ones eventually have you back in their life!

Well done.
Great up date.
You sound very intelligent and self aware.
Some of the strongest people have come through the darkest night and whatever happens I've got a feeling you're going to be ok.

I'm especially glad you are sorting out visitation with the boys.

Good luck

Very best of luck and yes I too think it sounds like you're on a great track now. Well done and I hope things work out for you all.

Dione you are a very disturbed individual - seeking to get raise after raise after raise. You've hijacked the thread, gown massively righteous and made all sorts of aspersions. You're pissed because Lottie won't rise. We are all of us entitled to our views including the view ' some of the respondents here are deeply damaged aggressive women with major issues' which is my response.

Ditto@lottiegarbanzo @DioneTheDiabolist

Get off your high horse. I don't feel disrespected by Lottie because I am not one of the psychotic harpy hyenas. If you aren't one you would not be offended.

@forumdonkey good call.

Angliski 🙏☺️💐** thanks for seeing what I meant, and that it was slightly tongue in cheek, of course, but not entirely unfounded. (I won't say more as not here to stoke fires!)

@Angliski
@lottelupin
Second that - your maturity and insight.

Can’t see it’s in the best interests of the dcs to see their DF who is still on the road to recovery from drug taking. Get yourself fully clean, and stay that was for a few months op, and then your ex will feel it’s safe for you to resume contact with them.

I've never been called a psychotic harpy hyena before.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

But I've had years experience working with abused women, survivors of domestic abuse and addicts to know what I see on this thread.