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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’d do anything for her

221 replies

Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 21:14

I was with my partner for 5 years , we have 2 amazing boys , without going into details I was a complete dickhead , I never cheated and was never violent towards her , but I was constantly stoned , emotionally unavailable I am guilty of Gas lighting , communication broke down , I wasn’t supportive when she needed me , I acted like some kind of Peter Pan and didn’t want to grow up , I started smoking weed when I was 12 , I’m 39 now .
We initially split in December , and to cut a long story short we decided to give it another go , I had stopped smoking for a couple of months but started again shortly after we reconciled, she never really committed to giving it another try , although I understand why , so we separated again at the beginning of August, she hasn’t spoken to me since , she’s not let me see the boys and refuses to speak to me at all , I haven’t smoked since that day , I have been attending support groups for the smoking , I started going to the gym regularly I now have 2 jobs I have been to the doctors for help , I’m doing everything in my power to change the behaviour that ended our relationship, she still refuses to speak to me , I have texted and asked her to tell me to give up , she hasn’t even said it’s over , what do I do ?? I don’t want to give up on her or us being a family !!
Any advice would be appropriated , I have the c100 form ready because I need to see my kids , but I still love her ... is it a lost cause ?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 23:11

Op, you have definitely made MANY positive steps forward, but you have got to stop looking at the past and trying to rewrite it. Your relationship with your ex is over because it should be. Your children and your own healthy future should be the only concerns you focus on.

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 23:14

Techway the first time I stopped I was arrogant enough to think that I could do it Alone , this time round I have been attending smart meetings , na meetings and have a good support network around me , I will have been completely clean for 3 months/90 day so. The 27th of this month.

OP posts:
AuntyElle · 08/10/2019 23:15

Seriously Granadella, be careful, as that “no matter what I do I will never be able fix the mess I made“ is the kind of self-indulgent thinking that can be used as an excuse to start using again.

ThatCurlyGirl · 08/10/2019 23:16

@Granadella1

I wasn’t romanticising anything I just appreciated words that didn’t make me feel like I was being attacked , but ok I get it you have all made it very clear I should give up on the idea of being a happy family again because no matter what I do I will never be able fix the mess I made

Eh? Assume that was to me as I used the word romanticised. That's a shame as I just tried to share some (what I thought was) carefully considered opinions on the situation.

I tried to be as kind as possible and absolutely haven't said you should give up any chance of having a happy family whatsoever.

Family doesn't mean being in a relationship with their mum though, it means co parenting for the boys best interest.

Anyway I tried to be kind and surprised you felt otherwise.

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 23:23

Auntelle I’m sorry but that shite right there is not self indulgent, I don’t feel sorry for myself , I regret my awful behaviour and was hoping that there may be a way I can be the man that my kids and my partner need , I didn’t expect praise , but I didn’t expect everyone to tell me I should just give up , I opened myself up for criticism and was expecting that because I DO recognise my mistakes at no point have I blamed anyone else for this situation I take full responsibility .

OP posts:
ShagMeRiggins · 08/10/2019 23:25

I should give up on the idea of being a happy family again because no matter what I do I will never be able fix the mess I made

Not everyone is saying this.

No one knows if you can be a happy family again.

Continue your changes for you, because you need to. Don’t cave because three whole months of sobriety (congratulations, honestly) haven’t undone the past.

Wounds can take a long time to heal. Yours and hers. People are very quick to judge others by the worst (or best) things they’ve done, but I hope I’m not judged that way, and don’t judge others that way.

Best of luck.

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 23:26

No thatcurlygirl that wasn’t aimed at you

OP posts:
Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 23:29

AuntyElle

I’ve got a horrible feeling that what you are taking from thatcurlygirl and needsomebottle‘s posts is that to get back into your ex’s life you need to prioritise the kids, or at least appear to. That wasn’t their intention, but...

It was supposed to be a response to this

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 08/10/2019 23:43

What have you done to see your boys? Have you offered to let someone else collect them or your ex to just drop them at your house so that she doesn't need to see you? or would it seem like you are using them to try to see her?

I just find it unusual that you're not angry at her if you haven't seen your boys since August? Is there anything that you haven't told us in this situation? Even if you take full responsibility for the relationship breaking down it's unusual that you wouldn't be furious by now that you haven't seen your children

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2019 23:45

90 days clean is bugger all. You need a year clear of substances before you think about another relationship. You're still in the weeds, navel gazing and self indulgent. Which is fine in early recovery. Making new habits, working your shit out takes time.

What you don't do is get back into relationships where you made those shit habits. You were using, she was enabling. Or codependent. Or whatever she was to get through those years.

And if you think this thread was hostile, many you should see what residential rehab is like. Nothing like a room full of people in recovery to tear your bullshit apart. Try to actually hear it, it will help. It hurts but it will help.

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 23:53

I am angry that I haven’t seen them yes , but I feel it’s my fault I’m in this situation, it’s hard not to be angry , but I feel that wouldn’t help in any way , I caused her enough stress without being hostile , there’s nothing I haven’t mentioned, I’ve never shouted at the kids , I recognise that I needed to make changes to the way I was living , but it pisses me off because they don’t know why I’m not there , they are still young

OP posts:
AuntyElle · 08/10/2019 23:53

MrsTerryPratchet talks sense and truth.

Interestedwoman · 08/10/2019 23:58

'there’s nothing I haven’t mentioned, I’ve never shouted at the kids ,'

Hmmm- maybe I'm misinterpreting this, but it comes across as implying you -did- shout at your wife?

madcatladyforever · 09/10/2019 00:01

You've had chance after chance and keep fucking it up. Women get sick of fuck ups very quicold. You need to grow up fast.

Original poster
Granadella1 · 09/10/2019 00:05

We have shouted at each other

OP posts:
midcenturylegs · 09/10/2019 00:05

A trite comment I know but I've not managed to warm to the poster due to his comma placements 🤫

@MrsTerryPratchett - great post

Original poster
Granadella1 · 09/10/2019 00:06

Madcatladyforever I’m not a fuck up , i fucked up

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/10/2019 00:06

You haven't smoked since early August eh, Granadella1? And you want your Ex to take you back on the strength of just over two months clean? Are you barking?

That's nothing in terms of sobriety. You'd be doing well if she takes you seriously once you're a year clean and sober.

How are you staying clean? Are you in a 12 step programme like NA? What support have you got? Because addicts almost never sort themselves out single handed.

Reading your posts I get the feeling you're trying to do it alone, because if you were going to meetings or getting decent advice they'd have told you that trying to get your Ex back at this stage is totally unrealistic.

1forAll74 · 09/10/2019 00:06

I am not judging you at all,, as you know the score so to speak.
Maybe in time,you can see your children,and maybe your partner will become amicable with you,given time.But no doubt she is just wanting to get some peace.and head space for a while.

It doesn't matter what you are doing to improve yourself, the ball is in your partners court now so to speak..

user1481840227 · 09/10/2019 00:07

Ok, in that case is it true then that because you still want to get back with her that you just are not pushing to see your children in case you make the situation with her worse?

Yes it's your fault that you're in this situation, but there's a huge amount of single mothers out there where the relationship broke down because of the mans behaviour, but yet those mothers don't claim complete ownership of the kids and stop their dad from seeing them. We don't have the right to, and also it's not in the best interests of the kids.

What reason did she give you for not letting you see them?

Mermaidsinthesand · 09/10/2019 00:09

Amazing you make these changes for your ex but not for your children

gostiwooz · 09/10/2019 00:14

It is still only weeks. If a year had gone by and you'd come on here asking the question, then some of the replies may not have been so harsh. OP, I think you have done well staying clean so far, and admitting to yourself that the failure of the relationship is squarely in your court.

Now you need to stay clean for you and for your children - don't do it for the sole reason of getting her back. You need to fix yourself. You can then have a proper relationship with your children. In time, maybe your dp may decide that she might give you another chance, maybe she won't, but ultimately that decision would be hers, and you can't influence that in any way.
You need to stay off the drugs. Permanently this time.

Egghead68 · 09/10/2019 00:17

Is your ex on Mumsnet?

Chloe9 · 09/10/2019 00:19

I wouldn't waste your time trying to get this woman back, and so early in recovery you should be focusing on that not a relationship at all. I have heard this script so many times the "I just want my ex back, and to see my kids!" Y'know what? She doesn't want you back. You fucked that relationship up. Now move on and do the work you need to be to be a good stable father, employee, neighbour, friend, etc.

She's going to need her own recovery, from that shitty relationship. Trauma recovery from the abusive tactics you utilised in order to not have to behave like a decent father and partner for 5 years. You've got some making up to do, you're right there, but your wrong about that ever looking like a reunion with ex. You can't smash all the plates and then sellotape them back together again. They're broken now.

Original poster
Granadella1 · 09/10/2019 00:29

Mermaidsinthesand can you please stop implying that I don’t care about my children. I’m making these changes for all of them.

OP posts:
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