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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’d do anything for her

221 replies

Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 21:14

I was with my partner for 5 years , we have 2 amazing boys , without going into details I was a complete dickhead , I never cheated and was never violent towards her , but I was constantly stoned , emotionally unavailable I am guilty of Gas lighting , communication broke down , I wasn’t supportive when she needed me , I acted like some kind of Peter Pan and didn’t want to grow up , I started smoking weed when I was 12 , I’m 39 now .
We initially split in December , and to cut a long story short we decided to give it another go , I had stopped smoking for a couple of months but started again shortly after we reconciled, she never really committed to giving it another try , although I understand why , so we separated again at the beginning of August, she hasn’t spoken to me since , she’s not let me see the boys and refuses to speak to me at all , I haven’t smoked since that day , I have been attending support groups for the smoking , I started going to the gym regularly I now have 2 jobs I have been to the doctors for help , I’m doing everything in my power to change the behaviour that ended our relationship, she still refuses to speak to me , I have texted and asked her to tell me to give up , she hasn’t even said it’s over , what do I do ?? I don’t want to give up on her or us being a family !!
Any advice would be appropriated , I have the c100 form ready because I need to see my kids , but I still love her ... is it a lost cause ?

OP posts:
namechange4052 · 08/10/2019 21:46

Having a job and not smoking weed - I don't see this as being anything groundbreaking. I mean, it's pretty basic stuff.

Jingers5 · 08/10/2019 21:49

You are still an addict in recovery. What happens if you got back together and had a crisis? You may be a little too late or she may take you back when/if you prove yourself. It's difficult to say, only you know what what you put her through. What kind of example to you want to show your son's?

popsadaisy · 08/10/2019 21:50

I think people are being a little harsh to you. Unless you are a danger to your children then really she has no right in stopping you from seeing them so do make sure you sort out access to see your children again. In regards to your relationship it sounds like it's over and you need to come to terms with that as hard as that may be. Stop messaging her unless it's about the children and continue to work on yourself like you have been doing. Good luck.

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 21:51

It’s not easy to admit when your wrong , and it’s not easy to change , at least I am trying , with all due respect you don’t know me , I’m not a bad person , I am a man who has recognised his mistakes and is willing to do whatever it takes to correct them , maybe we won’t be able to salvage our family, but I’m trying, I came on here because I genuinely thought that It would help me understand this situation a little better , none of us are perfect , most of us have suffered , I lost the person I loved and it was my fault , a lot of the replies have been hostile, everyone is different , i wish you the best for the future.

OP posts:
Mum2Girls90 · 08/10/2019 21:54

From a woman who’s tried to forgive & forget multiple times. One being a 3 year separation which took us through courts etc.. he did clean up his act and I did take him back.
2 years down the line we’ve split.
You see, change is good if you’re doing it for yourself. When you change yourself for others, when your actions aren’t validated any longer or feet are under the table, habits creep back in.

Your ex partner is done, finished.
Accept that and allow her to move on. Don’t make it harder than it needs to be.
Get better for you. To be a better father. A better partner for the next one.

Sometimes no amount of fixing, chances, changes can do anything. It’s just done.
I was very much like your ex, I never went back in whole heartedly. Always one foot out, so when shit hit the fan second time (and it did) I could walk away unnerved and strong.

Jingers5 · 08/10/2019 21:55

All you can do is work on yourself and try to be a better person. I wish you luck with it. It's good that you have seen the error of your ways.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/10/2019 21:58

Focus on being reliable, getting to see your boys and being a good father to them. That will be its own reward (however corny that phrase sounds).

She owes you nothing though. She is not part of you. She is her own person.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 21:59

Your only focus should be your children and having a civil relationship with their mother. Hounding her to rekindle a romantic relationship she doesn't want is the worst thing you can do. For once, and completely, make this about them, not you.

pictish · 08/10/2019 22:01

“Sometimes no amount of fixing, chances, changes can do anything. It’s just done.“

Yep.

I’m not trying to be hostile, just straight with you.

AuntyElle · 08/10/2019 22:01

You sound very self-indulgent, and not as far through recovery as you perhaps think you are. Are you doing a 12-step program? As you sound like you need to do the ‘take a full and fearless inventory of yourself’ step. Urgently.

Sron · 08/10/2019 22:02

What were you expecting, OP? This relationship is over. Focus on starting legal proceedings to have contact with your children, which will doubtless involve you having to convince a family court that you’re no longer a feckless weed smoker. But the last time, as soon as you had what you wanted (your partner back) you went right back to smoking weed, so don’t expect anyone to be impressed that you’re still clean at this point.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/10/2019 22:03

Oh and suffering is not a currency. It buys you nothing.

Likewise, you are not owed anything because yourself to be 'deserving'. That would require there to be people with pre-existing obligations towards you. That applies only to the parents of children.

If you prove yourself a good person, you may be able to convince someone else to love you one day.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/10/2019 22:04

Sorry, 'because you believe yourself to be deserving'.

AuntyElle · 08/10/2019 22:06

Worth reading this to see just how much effort and honesty is involved. Are you willing and able?
www.na.org/admin/include/spaw2/uploads/pdf/litfiles/us_english/IP/EN3110.pdf

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 22:08

In my initial post I highlighted all of the negative things that I have recognised, there was a time when we were genuinely happy, it wasn’t 5 years of hell like some have suggested, and we had some amazing times together , your right she owes me nothing at all , I will continue to do what I m doing and I am doing it for myself , I have accepted that we may never be together again , that won’t change what I’m doing , and I have always been a good father , I have an amazing relationship with both my boys , a lot of these comments make me feel like I’m wrong for wanting to work things out , and I do appreciate that the majority of people in this thread are women who have had bad relationships, I’m sorry if my situation has upset you.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 08/10/2019 22:12

No terrible relationships here. No, you were quite brave to post here, it is a great place to come for straightforward, no-nonsense insight.

I think being a reliable father will be the thing most likely to re-gain you her respect, as well as being the best thing for you and the boys. Win, win, win.

category12 · 08/10/2019 22:15

Are you paying child support?

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 22:17

Yes every week

OP posts:
AuntyElle · 08/10/2019 22:18

I haven’t had bad relationships, but my dad was an addict. Trust me, the fact that there were some good times means jack shit.

You have prioritised getting stoned over your children and your partner. You need to do some serious work on yourself, and that doesn’t mean further navel-gazing and finding more justifications for yourself.

At the moment you are clearly self-indulgent and unable to truly see beyond your own wants. That’s why you’re getting a hard time.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 22:20

I have always been a good father

Oh please. A "good father" isn't a pot head who gaslights their mother and refuses to support her. Yet again, you are delusional.

pictish · 08/10/2019 22:20

You haven’t upset me. I’m over 20 years married to the same man. I’m simply coming from a pragmatic perspective, not an emotional one.
You say you want to try to understand the situation. We’re explaining it to you.

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 22:23

Could you explain what you mean by self indulgent, ultimately I want for her and the children to be happy even if that means us not being together , I’m not disagreeing with you possibly I am but does trying to be better and trying to be the person that she needs make me self indulgent?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 22:26

You are self indulgent because you care more about what YOU want than what she needs. You have made this abundantly clear.

Original poster
Granadella1 · 08/10/2019 22:28

I have asked for help and advice and your comments have been really counter productive and hostile , every thing you have said seems aggressive .

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 22:28

If you had a shred of self-awareness about the damage you have done you would know she DOESN'T NEED YOU. She's been down this road before and now she knows better.