I’d do anything for her

[Granadella1]

I was with my partner for 5 years , we have 2 amazing boys , without going into details I was a complete dickhead , I never cheated and was never violent towards her , but I was constantly stoned , emotionally unavailable I am guilty of Gas lighting , communication broke down , I wasn’t supportive when she needed me , I acted like some kind of Peter Pan and didn’t want to grow up , I started smoking weed when I was 12 , I’m 39 now .
We initially split in December , and to cut a long story short we decided to give it another go , I had stopped smoking for a couple of months but started again shortly after we reconciled, she never really committed to giving it another try , although I understand why , so we separated again at the beginning of August, she hasn’t spoken to me since , she’s not let me see the boys and refuses to speak to me at all , I haven’t smoked since that day , I have been attending support groups for the smoking , I started going to the gym regularly I now have 2 jobs I have been to the doctors for help , I’m doing everything in my power to change the behaviour that ended our relationship, she still refuses to speak to me , I have texted and asked her to tell me to give up , she hasn’t even said it’s over , what do I do ?? I don’t want to give up on her or us being a family !!
Any advice would be appropriated , I have the c100 form ready because I need to see my kids , but I still love her ... is it a lost cause ?

OP reading your posts, they're all about you. I'd love to read the reality of your relationship and behaviour on your partner and DC's from their point of view. You say that you were a great dad but you also say that you were constantly stoned. How having your kids seeing you stoned makes you a good dad? Could you afford your weed or did it come out of the family money, which could have bought your son's clothes or took them on a day out? Do you drive, did you drive stoned? Did you work? Did your DC's go to school with their coats and book bags smelling of weed?

This isn't about you it's about your DC's and being a good father, which isn't being stoned and never shouting at them.

Your partner gave you a chance and you went back to exactly how you had been so you can't blame her for not wanting to do it again. Ask yourself, in your relationship, what did you do for her to make her happy.

You're taking offence because poster's are being honest. It's time to be honest with yourself and move forward with your life and treat it as a life lesson

If a woman told me she was 3 months clean, recently left an abusive relationship and wanted to see her kids despite her previous drug use and bad behaviour, I would recommend her these 4 things. 1. Stay clean. 2. Don't go back to that relationship and be single for a while. 3. Make amends to the kids through being a positive, stable, responsible parent and not repeating the past. 4. No, really, you do not want to go back to him no matter who did or did not hit who, if you were gaslighting him it was abusive.

Flip it and reverse it, and I hope you understand that this advice is un-gendered.

Great dad stoned for most of their lives
They weren’t enough when born for you not to be an arsehole stoner who gaslighted his wife, and subjected his kids to misery watching it all! No wonder she won’t speak to you, have you another chance then you start smoking weed again. Pathetic
Sorry but do your wife and kids a favour and stay away

Hi OP,
Sorry to hear about the break up of your family, it's easy to get lost in a cloud of smoke and many here seem to miss the part where you've mentioned been a smoker since your early teens. Essentially you were groomed into drugs as is so common these days. Yes you've had chances to break free but it's not that easy for everyone and some people need to hit "rock bottom" with any vice never mind a drug dependency. Many commenters here probably have little to no experience of this sort of thing so don't expect empathy from them.

It sounds to me like your partner has fully checked out of the relationship and is keeping a distance as a protective measure for both herself and your children. That's understandable however difficult it is to live.

In respect to winning her back, I'm really sorry but I don't think it will happen. That's not to say that it won't but it probably shouldn't be your focus regardless.
I'd focus on remaining in work, on keeping up maintenance payments and if possible throwing her some extra for presents etc, expecially with Christmas around the corner. In fact Christmas could be a good opportunity to try and bring the family back together for a day but if you are wanting to arrange something like that then I think it's a good idea to talk about spending time with the children. Leave trying to work on the relationship and if it's meant to happen and she can put the past behind you then it will happen. Pushing at this stage won't help.

Best of luck staying off the weed. I know how easy it is to go back and just hide behind it as it's great at masking the pain that yo uare no doubt suffering. But the pain is what helps us heal.

I want to clarify a couple of things , it’s been mentioned several times that I have put her through 5 years of hell and had Several chances quite a few times , we were together for 5 years and the first 3 were amazing , we had our ups and downs but we were happy , so five years of hell has not been the case , when I referred to Gas lighting that is very much a part of being an addict and manipulating situations in order to sustain a habit , I am not some dead beat who sat in a room expecting to be waited on hand and foot , I have run my own business successfully for years , I have competed semi professionally in sport in 3 countries and I have never taken money from my family to support my smoking , if you have a question about my relationship I will answer it honestly, I took a second job because I now have a void in my life that I need to fill and I’m not the type to sit around feeling sorry for myself , I think many of you are right , she will probably never want me again and I will accept that , but hey only she knows that really so I won’t stop trying to better myself and be the person that she and my kids needs in whatever capacity because of some negative comments.

Many commenters here probably have little to no experience of this sort of thing so don't expect empathy from them.

In fact, I'd estimate that many posters on here have experience of addiction from the perspective of trying to cope with being married to an addict and to shield their children from the consequences of having a parent to whom drugs are more important than his children. The children, and the OP's ex don't have the time to waste empathising and waiting for the OP to 'hit rock bottom' and get clean. They gave him five years. How much longer does the OP get?

Many commenters here probably have little to no experience of this sort of thing so don't expect empathy from them.

I celebrated 30 years sober in April, SellmeyourMLMcrap, so I know of what I speak. And I'm not impressed by what I'm hearing.

The OP is less than 90 days clean. From the POV of his Ex or any potential partner he's still a very bad bet. I can't believe he thinks it's reasonable to try to get her back after such a short time. A year clean and he'd have something to talk about. She might possibly be interested.

But I doubt he'll stay clean. He hasn't shared anything about how he's staying clean. No mention of meetings or counselling. If he's going it alone it's highly unlikely to last and tbh I doubt his seriousness.

I've got an addicted ex and I'm also a social worker with many years of working with addicted parents. I have plenty of relevant experience.

I had to give up my job when my ex couldn't promise not to smoke weed while watching the kids. Unsurprisingly we are no longer together. So not from the perspective of somebody that doesn't know or has no experience, just form the other side of the story. I'm sure he would describe himself as a good Dad too, because he could separate his behaviour and his parenting, not realising they are never separate. Being a drug addict and being a good parent are incompatible, and being clean does not automatically mean you are now a good parent. There is a lot of work to be done and bridges to be built, and I am sure if you endeavour to now put your children first in all you do you can make a living amends to them and be a good parent to them BUT there are no short cuts or quick fixes, there is going to be a lot of work on your part. Work on yourself, primarily. And part of that is self awareness and humility which you're earlier posts sadly lack in. I certainly would not want to discourage you from self improvement and being a better father and man, but that needs to be separated from your hope of a reunion and with your ex. Letting her move on now would be a kindness. Nobody gets unlimited second chances.

Yes am attending support meetings , stated in my original post ,

You're the one who said you were constantly stoned, OP. Can you not see how that is incompatible with your vision of yourself as a good father and partner, go-getter and athlete? From the outside it sounds very much like you're still minimising the affect of your addiction on your family.

Kind of like the cocaine user who thinks they're better and more on it when they're using, but to people around them they're just hyped up and tongue-sucking.

She gave you a second chance... why did you start smoking again?!

Even parents who can do the basics of parenting while stoned/drunk are emotionally absent. That's really damaging for children. If you were constantly stoned, you weren't a good parent.

And yes, yet another poster here with professional and personal experience. I've heard the bullshit literally hundreds of times. The successful recovery is one that acknowledges and gets rid of the bullshit. You aren't there yet OP so don't inflict it on others.

Many commenters here probably have little to no experience of this sort of thing so don't expect empathy from them

Ex MH and addiction support worker here. Addicts become self absorbed, as evidenced here.

Lottiegarb of course I didn't mean everyone. But some people have been so aggressive towards a person who came in here to be honest and genuinely thought he'd get a fair hearing. He's been verbally abused and it's not just him - there's an indefensible trend/habit in Mumsnet where people just get ripped to shreds. It's bollocks. Sorry but I just called it.

You are still an addict OP. Stop being an addict, then see what you want to do.

Lottiegarb of course I didn't mean everyone. But some people have been so aggressive towards a person who came in here to be honest and genuinely thought he'd get a fair hearing. He's been verbally abused

Let's pick this apart. You implied everyone or at least most of us. And apologized, which is just horrible. You don't get to decide what we think and feel.

Aggression is overstated. Honest appraisal is more like it. And if you don't want to hear from the women who have been treated badly by addicted men, don't come to Mumsnet. There is the 90% of the internet by and for men to choose from.

Why do you assume honesty? Early recovery is really unlikely to involve much honesty. That develops with time AND listening to people who are being honest with you. It's hard to listen to.

And he wasn't verbally abused. Because this is written.

You've been minimizing, patronizing, ignorant and gullible. You have fed his denial so well done there.

@lottelupin

Frankly you have no idea what the women posting here have experience of and it's certainly not your place to assume.or question.

I have no sympathy, nor empathy, for any man who abuses a woman (or has lost something as a result) - no excuses or mitigating factors exist for that sort of disgusting behaviour.
There has been no verbal abuse here, only honesty (which a self-centred addict is taking personally instead of assuming responsibility for his actions so clearly not much personal growth going on there).

Aren't you feeling a tad light headed up there on your high horse??

*A trite comment I know but I've not managed to warm to the poster due to his comma placements
*
Is this fair? Isn't it mocking his grammar? Is that cool?

Cherry pick much?

And she called herself trite!

@lottelupin
Thank you fir your input.
People do change.
Me for one.

There is always hope , no matter how small.

Keep going forward op.

Not give up and never give in.
The best is yet to come.

We all have obstacles to get over thorough life.

Some people have a few and others have a mountain but you can do it

Work on yourself and whatever happens will work out.

*Frankly you have no idea what the women posting in here have experience of
*
Ditto. You haven't the foggiest what I've seen, either.

I stand by my point: every OP should get a fair hearing. Very few people gave him any credit for being in a programme to kick the addiction he had. Many said he was a loser and some even mocked him for 'only' having done 91 days. How is that supportive?

Ok, yes, sure, at present he's out. But he is a father and he's trying to make himself one worthy of his kids, and at least viable as a co parent.

Don't kick a dog when he's down. If you REALLY care about the children and mother (as you clearly think the poster doesn't deserve care) then you'd be supporting him to be clean and be a better adult.

This thread has been turned into him being an abusive drug-addict partner. We have no evidence of him being abusive. The general implication is that he was just rubbish and there were arguments.

Trust me, I could play no trumps in abuse. I've got pretty much all the top cards in every suit. I know about it. He is asking us if we think he'll ever get a hearing again, if he gets clean. He hadn't been chucked out for being abusive. Yes been chucked out for being an addict. Plus non-specified behaviour.

If he was violent, persistently abusive, aggressive to his children - of course I would defend him fir a moment. Maybe he is? We don't know. But on what he's said, he's someone trying hard to get better. So he deserves encouragent, in my book.

Typo
Meant if he was that bad I wouldn't defend him for a moment

Yes Robin. Of course he can change his life and he's making progress all the time. OP keep your spirits up and keep doing what you know is right.